[lauren_helene]

I called my T's office and tried to see him today. He doesn't have anything according to his Assistant. I mentioned that my uncle died and that I wanted to clear something up before I left.

The Assistant was real sweet as usual but my T apparently could give a damn. I'm telling you, I might be done with this process. I still have my Tuesday appt because I am coming back on Monday now.

He can't even call for 10 minutes? I'm sure his Assistant told him. Whatever. I think if I knew then what I know now, I'd never have started therapy.

I have enough people in my life casting me to the side. I was about to mention that I would pay for the session but I wanted to see first if one was open. I am not the type of person to just start crying and freaking out to say that I need someone. But when I do reach out I am told "it's so much better to feel the pain"...

I feel betrayed at this point. I also feel very stupid for opening up to him, trusting him with all of my dark secrets of abuse to get treated this way by him.

We just talked about this the other day so he knows what he is doing to me now. I think this is the first time that I feel like I have hit the bottom like I have today.

I'm so sorry this is a bad post but I just needed to get this out. I am amazed at the bravery of all of you on here. I just don't think I can continue with therapy anymore.

I'm not canceling Tuesday just yet incase I get some clarity on this that changes my mind. I'm just wondering though, how can he treat me like this knowing exactly now how it makes me feel?

I know, he has other patients and I do understand if he doesn't have anything open. But the Assistant didn't even say I'll have him call you. I'm sure he was told not to say that to me of all people. You know, the one with the unhealthy dependence.

I'll keep reading and chatting on here and live through the progress you are all making...

[SecretGarden]

Have not read it all but I am getting the jist... and am empathetic to your cause... you certainly know that. ;-)

I will respond in a bit... when I have more time. Will you have internet while away?

Regardless will answer in a bit. when do you leave?

[(JD)]

Please call the Ts office back and ask to have him return your call. Don't give the assistant any other information, ok?

((((hugs)))) Hang in there.

almeda24fan,

I'm so sorry you lost your uncle that you were close to.

please call back and tell T's assistant that you want T to call you today. the assistant might not have considered that as an option if you called to see him but didn't ask if he could call you.

the assistant is speaking for him at this point. remember that he hasn't said or done anything, just the assistant. so be angry with the assistant, but not the T.

I'm sorry and of course you're angry and hurt and feeling uncared for by T. And this on top of your grief.

Hang on. We're here for you!

Almeda, "Its better too feel the pain" That maybe so but Its also better to feel we have our T's there to support us as we feel the pain. I mean why are we in therapy if not for this???

[lauren_helene]

Thanks everyone! I just can't call him today. He doesn't want me to contact him between sessions. Even if he did call me, I feel stupid now. The Assistant has said to me in the past, should I have him call you?

So, this is yet another one of those lessons to learn from him. But what I am starting to learn is that I don't need this kind of treatment. This isn't therapy anymore, it's torture

[SecretGarden]

Afraid I understad... but the assistant has been wrong before...yes?

I hate the idea of offices that have more than just the T and me as I know.....generally....what I am getting. I am sorry for your angst.... really. I am.

[lauren_helene]

No the assistant is the front desk person who does appts and such. There is another therapist in the office but I don't know his name and he just rents space...

I'm trying very hard to think that maybe the assistant either never told him I called or might not have mentioned that I said I wanted to clear something up.

I do have email but the assistant reads it and forwards it on to my T. So it isn't private....

[SecretGarden]

Sorry... all of that sucks.... I think you need to have direct access.... but JMO... and lol... I suppose it is not helping me now... At least I know what I have.

[lauren_helene]

Okay well, I just sent him an email. I just focused on myself regarding last session. I agree Secret that if I really need to see him again or communicate with him that he should be open to it. But if he did this with all of his patients he'd be on the phone all day?

I'm over the whole 'I'm done with therapy thing'...I notice that mornings I get more doubtful and angry after taking the Prozac. It was recently increased. I feel much different now about the whole thing. Off to the drug board to see if I'm alone in this.

[sidony]

Hey Almeda. Glad you sent him an email. I tried to respond to you earlier, but my keyboard suddenly spazzed (I have a wireless keyboard at work and it gets interference occasionally) and I had to reboot. Sucks that you have to go through an assistant, but you should be able to have at least occasional access (obviously you can't call him every five minutes, but I should think it would be acceptable for a crisis!). I hope you can explain how you feel. Let us know how it goes! Hear what he has to say about why he hasn't responded yet. Maybe he just hasn't had a chance to go through his messages. Okay I hope you're feeling better soon and let us know how things go.

Sidony

[SecretGarden]

Good that you are able to see this and monitor this.

I did not believe you were done..... but welcomed the vent.

Well yes I think that being on the phone everyday could be a concern and there are therapeutic reasons for certain actions but.... how often do you actually call?

[lauren_helene]

Actually, I've only called a few times over the past year and three months. Maybe three calls? He always responded to those. I send emails, those never get a response.

But he did say that was not the best way to get to him quickly. So, I made sure I called his assistant and asked him to expect the email and forward it to him for me. I know he'll do that.

Oh and I faxed him once too. He didn't respond to that but I didn't ask him to either.

One session he said that he wanted to respond but felt that 'feeling the pain between sessions is necessary'...you know that little phrase I keep repeating over and over on here. Giggle

It would be wonderful if he did call me before I leave at least to say that he got my email and all but my guess is he won't.

It's just something I needed to do before I fly. If not for the trip, I wouldn't have needed the extra visit in the first place.

Part of me really hopes he does respond in some fashion...

[SecretGarden]

I understand about the needing to feel the pain... but not totally...

I also understand... I hope you hear something....

[nothemama8]

is it possible that he had an appoinment of his own, I know my T has appointments and Dr appointments from time to time

[MissCharlotte]

Oh Almeda, I think you are so brave to have sent the e-mail. I don't think I would have had the guts. You take care of yourself and do something that makes you feel good. You know what's best for you.

[lauren_helene]

Last update before I leave tomorrow. I didn't get any sort of confirmation that the email was received nor did he respond.

I'd like to say that I am not jumping to conclusions and making some assumptions but I am. Oh well, I tried. I have read receipt on all my emails and I didn't get one. But then again, a user has the option to not send one back to me and it looks like they didn't. I guess he could've been out of the office or didn't have time to read his email. I'll try to focus on that.

Am I making too much out of this? He knows that I need constant reassurance during times like this. I can't even get a 'hey got your email, sorry about your uncle, have a nice trip and see you next time' just a common courtesy thing? I'm not looking for a novel or a long phone call. But I have been with him for well over a year.

I can't help but feel sad and hurt...again...

I'll check in with you all when I get to Pa...have a wonderful weekend!

[sunrise]

(((almedafan)))

Hope your uncles' funeral goes well. I went to a memorial service for a friend last weekend and actually found it very healing to be with his family and friends. First time I have ever felt that way when someone died.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I notice that mornings I get more doubtful and angry after taking the Prozac. It was recently increased.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Wow, sounds like taking this drug is making things worse not better. Hope you can get that straightened out.

amelda...

i haven't known what to say...

my condolances. i'm sorry sweetie.

me n you can hang out together so we don't feel tooooooo abandoned.

k?

((((amelda))))

[dalila]

<font color="green">My therapist is usually amazing about returning calls, but there have been a couple of times that she didn't. Once the office person quit shortly after taking my message, another time her dad had just died and I was not aware of that. and the only other time she was terribly sick herself. I understood but I hated it anyway. It is so hard when you become so dependant on them and for whatever reason they are not there. I have fears that my therapist will burn out or get sick of me [huge abandonment issues here] so I tell myself I am glad she takes care of herself. Besides if she doesn't take care of herself who will take care of me???

Anyway my point, and I do have one, is that perhaps your therapist just is not able to contact you at the moment and will as soon as he is able to.

Safe hugs if you want them.</font>

I'm waiting for you in PA, Almeda!!!

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you.

I hope your T is, too. I bet he is.