feeling abandoned...need to talk to T.

I've been having issues with my therapist for the last months.

Yesterday I asked the question that I feared the most. I asked my T if she still wanted to be my therapist or not. She was kinda surprised, and answered yes, willing to continue.

Then I brought up the issue (again) that I felt she was being very distant, and that I was always afraid she didn't care anymore.

She said that focusing on that (her attitude, or what I percive as her attitude) was paying attention to something which wasn't important. Not as far as treatment goes.

We ended the session with me telling her that maybe HER feelings about the relationship were not important to discuss, but MY feelings about the relationship were important and interfering with my treatment. She agreed that we discuss it further.

Last night I was feeling really bad. So I emailed her, and told her that my dependence and suceptibility towards her is a big deal for me. That I understand the whole transference thingy, and that probably my feelings were not really about the way she was acting, but related to my own issues.
But I also made a strong point: MY feelings of rejection and abandonment are real for me. I cry, feel like I'm gonna go crazy, that I can't take it any longer, that I desperatly need to talk to her. (It was the first time I was so honest and open about this issue that bothers me so much).

She didn't answer. Neither did she emailed me to schedule our next session, which was supposed to be today. (she told me in session that she would email me at night).

I feel terrible. Totally abandoned and scared.

ps:deep down I still trust her, think she cares, and wants to do the best for me. But she might be wrong this time.

((((((((((((((((ashley)))))))))))))))))))

I am sooooooooo sorry about this. I know how much it hurts to feel abandoned. I wish I could be there for you, but you definately deserve to have someone attentive to your needs.

Im really "tuned in" to my therapists to. I think it comes from having to always having to pick up on even the subtle changes to protect myself as kid so now out of that I can take one look at my therapists and know "she's had a hard day" "she's not all here today is it me or what?" "she's on edge or upset about something was it me?" All this used to drive me nuts into thinking my therapists didn't care or weren't interested or weren't paying attention.

Well this time when I got stuck in therapy by DHS I decided I was going do things differently this time.I wasn't going to immediately assume it was me doing something wrong or the therapist didn't care and was going to drop me or leave me hanging.

EVERY time I picked up on something the minute I did I'd say something. She would walk in my door or Id walk in hers and she's say hi bla bla bla and I would ignore what she asked me and say "rough day huh?" or "ok someone p*s**d you off today?" or even a light joke of "Okay who's in la laland now?" to get her to see the distance in herself that I was picking up on.

after enough times of doing this to her she would walk in my house and say "since you pick up on things anyway yes I have had a rough day what kinds of things do you do on those rough days?" and I showed her some of my activites and we brainstormed for more coping tools for the rough days. In the process I was telling her about certain situations that are harder then others and we work on how to handle those situations.

By my being direct and pointing out right away in the moment that I notice a change in her she could see where I was getting the feelings from (instead of assuming I was transferring my fear of abandonment on to her meaning the problem was her not me this time) and could take care of it right away. That she was all there for me during our time together.

Therapists are trained to see things as the problem stems from the clients fears but the problems are not always from transferance. Therapists are human and though they are trained to remain objective and so on sometimes their work day or personal life does get picked up on during sessions (at least I pick up on them like a magnet to metal). So I wouldn't be surprised if she tells you the next time you see her that the problem was indeed her.

Way to go with being honest with her

being honest scares me too but I have found that therapist and I worked together so much better when I was honest about it

Hi Ashley,

I'm sorry your T has been out of touch...I've gone through things like this, too, and know it can be really hard. I hope somehow your T has been in touch with you by now, and scheduled another appointment too.

Sometimes when things like this have happened with my counselor, something has come up in his own life.....either he has been sick, or maybe a family emergency came up, or some other kind of urgent situation.....and he wasn't able to get back to me as quickly as we both would have liked. Sometimes there were other problems, like his computer wasn't working, too. So it may be some different sort of problem behind the delay in communication. Can you try sending another email, or even making a phone call to your T if that is allowed, even to ask about setting up your next appointment?

Thinking of you, Ashley, and hoping your T will be in contact with you soon....please take gentle care of yourself in the meantime...

Take care,
ErinBear

Thank you guys so much. My T did contact me, and we had session today. She said she had a very busy morning and that the computer at her workplace was not working, so she could not email me sooner.

The actual session sucked. I was very upset and demanding. She was very firm and not very friendly.

But something good came up...we were able to talk about me isolating myself and just focusing on her and my therapy. Disconnecting from my friends and boyfriend. This was hard to hear. Because it's my weakest point.

But it also made me realize thar maybe she is not being as caring and compassionate so that I look for healthy relationships outside therapy.

I really think that she is trying to help. But it can be very frustrating at times. By the time the session was over I felt so much impotence, abandonment, and anger.

She said I could email her, but explained she wouldn't necesarily respond. She knows that it helps to vent out my feelings. And it also helps me feel she is there, even though she doesn't answer right away.

I'm still worried about being so obsessed with her and therapy. It's just that sometimes it's the only place where I feel safe. Life can be scary sometimes. It feels scary right now.

Wow, you're so honest about how you feel. It's amazing. I feel lots of things but have a hard time expressing how I feel. Wish I could make you feel better right now.
Praying that you receive comfort.
(((((((Ashley)))))))
Estee

hey ashley,

I think your T has a point. Its all too easy to focus on Therapy and your therapist to the exclusion of all else. God knows im struggling with it. But if you can try and cast your net a little wider to take in some other things then you will find that the focus shifts.

I suppose, as hard as it is to accept, we cant get everything we need and want from one person. Its not wrong to feel like you do, or to want what you want, the hard part is trying to work on it and resolve it. The only other option is to stay in the same place and I know, from expereince, its not a good place to be in.

Audrey

I struggle with this issue all the time too. Abandonment issues are HUGE!

My best to you, ashley!

Thanks guys for all your support. I feel safe here, too

Things are still not very ok with my T. I will do my best to work things out.

Last time she said if I don't trust her or expect more than she can give, then I should consider if I want to stay in therapy with her or not. Ouch! That hurt

Anyways, I have session today, so I will let you know how things go.

Thanks again for taking the time to write her. It really means a lot to me.

Love 2 all