[MindfulMoment]

Did I have these needs before therapy, or did therapy create these needs.?

My T is lovely. She seems to be completely in synch with me and is warm without being overbearing. Since being in therapy I find myself yearning for these things, when before I didn't (at least not consciously). I feel as if I've regressed in some ways since being in therapy; I seem to be desperately trying to seek support. I think at its core I want to be taken care of. I think therapy has made me realise how emotionally neglected I have been; that's not to say my parents didn't love me, just that they weren't always emotionally in tune with me.

How do I get these needs met outside of therapy? Is there any way I can go about trying to meet them alone? I don't want to need support from others. Any ideas guys?

MM

I had to learn to be my own best support, to find places in my life that nurtured my interests and emotional well-being, and within those places, as a natural off-shoot, I have also found like-minded people and have found mutually supportive relationships. But I had to start with me: finding the confidence and taking the risks to get out of my safety-zone and develop a fulfilling life for myself. I didn't go out with the intent of finding support from others; that has just been the natural result of being my own support.

[unaluna]

Think about what was getting in the way of you getting your needs met before. I was always getting into relationships with the "wrong" people. So why was i seeking them out? To try to fulfill unfilled needs from childhood - a fool's errand. Get those unfilled needs repaired (not just 'met' or 'filled' - going without kinda stunts your growth) in therapy and then you can move on with your life. Easy-peasy

That's the point of therapy.
It's in therapy where I learn to meet my needs.
I then take that and apply it to life outside.

[MindfulMoment]

Originally Posted by hankster

Think about what was getting in the way of you getting your needs met before.

I seem to have the opposite problem, I have a real fear of committing wholeheartedly to any relationship, I'm not a cheater or anything, I'm just emotionally distant, which is just as bad. I felt independent, like I had no needs and was able to take care of myself before therapy, now I realise I was just too terrified to have needs because I've never that them met by anyone.

Originally Posted by _Mouse

That's the point of therapy.
It's in therapy where I learn to meet my needs.
I then take that and apply it to life outside.

But what about when therapy ends? That is what I am afraid of. How do you apply it to life outside without becoming clingy and dependant?

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by MindfulMoment

But what about when therapy ends? That is what I am afraid of. How do you apply it to life outside without becoming clingy and dependant?

That's why you don't end therapy before you're good and ready. I know I put myself under pressure to get things done. I feel like I shouldn't need to be I therapy much longer, and then I project those feelings and feel like my T is judging me because I'm taking too long. I really should talk about this with him...
Anyhoo, tangent aside, therapy isn't over until you can walk away with confidence in your own ability to live your life on your own. If you're still frozen with fear, and feeling desperate need, you're not done yet.

[unaluna]

No man is an island. Unless you are gonna live as a hermit, you are going to depend on other people. Where do you get your gas / water / electric / food / transportation from? But you dont want to have to give up too much to get what you need. Sometimes parents made us give up too much, and that makes us fearful as adults to depend on others. That is certainly the story of my life. Therapy teaches us it can be safe.

[Soccer mom]

I could have written part of your post. Not only have I figured out all my unmet needs, my T can't give them either. And I don't think I need them from friends. My needs have been to feel like someone is always there for me, cares for me, will tell me I'll be ok, etc. I'm happily married and have supportive friends but I seem to want this from a motherly figure. But when it's been offered, I put up a wall. My T thinks I fear that if I'm vulnerable, I'll lose this person so I don't allow it. It's so weird to reject the one thing you want so badly.

I also remember cringing when my T asked me what my needs are. "Need" was a 4 letter word for me. Have you read Running On Empty or the Emotionally Distant Mother? They were very eye opening for me. My parents also loved me but were not emotionally available and then my mom had drug and alcohol issues. I had absolutely no clue how it affected me until I entered therapy after my moms death.

[laxer12]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

My needs have been to feel like someone is always there for me, cares for me, will tell me I'll be ok, etc. I'm happily married and have supportive friends but I seem to want this from a motherly figure.

I'm right there with you! I've been talking a lot with my T on how to love myself and fill those needs myself so that I don't rely on others to do it for me. Once I feel like I trust someone and let them in, I want them to always be there and always validate me and make me feel cared for.

I think the biggest think is to learn how to love ourselves first and have self-compassion so that we don't need others to fill that void and those needs. It's not easy to learn self-compassion when these feelings of inadequacy are so ingrained in us but it is possible. It takes more patience than I am willing to have sometimes but the effort is what really matters.

[Suraya]

I seem to have the opposite problem, I have a real fear of committing wholeheartedly to any relationship, I'm not a cheater or anything, I'm just emotionally distant, which is just as bad. I felt independent, like I had no needs and was able to take care of myself before therapy, now I realise I was just too terrified to have needs because I've never that them met by anyone.

This. Exactly.

[Partless]

The relationship one has with a therapist is not "real" in the sense that it's never going to have its equal in real life. There is a narcissism to it, a one-sidedness, it's enveloped in a cocoon of legal and ethical and professional issues.

Real life relationships are messier, more unpredictable, more give-and-take, and also involve relating with people who are not necessarily self-aware when it comes to forces in their emotional past or present. On the plus side, they're free. Or at least, less blatantly financial, as a guy once said about the difference between buying gifts for a date versus going to a prostitute.

[stopdog]

I can't imagine trying to recreate the situation with the therapist outside of the appointment. That sounds horrible to me. If you like it, then fine - but not for me.

Originally Posted by MindfulMoment

But what about when therapy ends? That is what I am afraid of. How do you apply it to life outside without becoming clingy and dependant?

Than your therapy isn't finshed

[Coco3]

I don't think therapy creates these needs, I think you've always had them and now you're confonted with them. We all need other people for validation and we need to know we're loved and cared for. People are built that way. But foremost, we need to love ourselves. You have to be happy with yourself and feel worthy. It makes you stronger and less dependent.

I can relate to your story. My parents love me too, but they weren't (and aren't) emotionally available. I never felt I could talk too them nor did I feel their support. So it became very hard for me to open up to people and to really connect. I've struggled with this all my life. I've always felt really alone even though I had nice friends. But I just didn't know how to really connect to them and reach out to them. My husband says I was very clingy in our early relationship. Maybe I still am too dependent on him, I'm trying to figure that out now. In therapy I've learned to open up more to friends and connect more with them. I'm very thankful for that. But my H is the only one I'm really close with. I'm still working on getting closer with my friends, it may take a while but I need it to happen. My support system isn't what I want and need it to be yet.

My T is the second person in my life that was really there for me. The second person I've learned to really trust and open up to. It's really hard letting him go now that I'm ending therapy. Also, the ending really triggers the feelings I had when I just started to open up to my T, about a year ago. I need his validation too much, I feel clingy, I want to say: please let me stay, please love me. Even though I'm the one that initiated it. Even though I've become so much stronger and I really feel like a different person. It scares me that these fears appear on the surface again.

[MindfulMoment]

The problem is my therapy is time-bound and so I know eventually it will have to end, which for me is probably a good thing, as I think I'd become very dependant on therapy otherwise (although I'm already more dependant than I wanted to be). I recognise that it has to come from within, but it's hard, very very hard. When it all ends it will be immensely painful.

[Bill3]

When does it end?

[MindfulMoment]

Originally Posted by Bill3

When does it end?

In just over 6 months! Is that enough time to fix me, I'm not sure

[Bill3]

Maybe you could discuss your concerns with T now or soon.