[laxer12]

I have some attachment issues stemming from my (lack of) relationship with my parents growing up. I've talked about attachment a lot with my T in regards to how I've attached to friends and former coaches and teachers. However, I think I'm starting to get attached to T...She sets some good boundaries that really help but I think about her all the time and I'm constantly holding back the urge to contact her outside of sessions.

I'm not sure how or if I should bring this up to her...I've seen some unfortunate stories on here about T's leaving their clients if the client tells them they are attached. I highly doubt my T would do that but I really don't know how she would respond...

Have you told your T that you're attached to him/her and how did he/she respond?

[Soccer mom]

I can't remember who said it first but knowing my T I probably admitted it. I read a letter to her that I had told a friend she probably doesn't want me attached to her. In that letter I said there I go assuming you wouldn't want me or something like that. Several sessions later she asked how I felt at the end of the session and I said sad. I said I'm not sure why. Oh yeah, I don't want to leave. I said stupid attachment. She smiled and repeated it.

Another time she said attachment in relationships can be hard. So we haven't had an in depth talk about it but she knows I have maternal transference so I guess it's assumed anyway.

I think the attachment or lack of tells a T a lot. What you DO with it might change the relationship. I don't try to contact my T all the time but perhaps certain behaviors would worry them. I've told her I think about her a lot, wonder about her and her family and that kind of thing. I think the only problem would be crossing boundaries.

[Crescent Moon]

Mine told me I had attachment issues. She explained it all to me, and it rang very true. Not at the very beginning, but not too long into therapy she told me that it would help me to get attached to her. I fought it like the plague. I had no idea what she was even talking about. What does attachment look like? Feel like? Sounded pretty gross to me. Anyway, It was probably a year and a half into therapy when she finally diagnosed me as attached to her It definitely snuck up on me when I wasn't looking.

[stopdog]

The first one has said I fight the process more than any other client she has had. Since she refuses to define or clarify what she means by process, I am clueless as to what the woman is talking about.

[Bipolarchic14]

She may already know, especially since you brought up attachment in other relationships. It is not uncommon for patients to become attached.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by stopdog

The first one has said I fight the process more than any other client she has had. Since she refuses to define or clarify what she means by process, I am clueless as to what the woman is talking about.

At least mine was really good at explaining and clarifying that "process." In fact, during the entire period of time that I actively resisted, she kept wanting to talk about it. Made me so squeamish. I guess I finally got conditioned to it, and I think that must be when it snuck up on me. One day she told me she was going out of the country for a couple of weeks and she saw an "oh MAN!" look on my face. That's when she told me with a satisfied smile on her face "That looks like attachment to me."

[stopdog]

What is the reason you want to tell a therapist such a thing? Is telling the therapist going to help you?

[laxer12]

I've talked to T extensively about my attachment to a few other people in my life and how I don't want to be attached to them. The way I attach myself is unhealthy and it generally leads to disappointment so I want to avoid it if possible. I'm okay attaching to T right now because I trust that she isn't going to leave me but, at some point, the relationship is going to have to end and if I'm attached, it's going to hurt, a lot.

I worry about this a lot so I feel like it is worth talking about. I'm just nervous to bring it up because I don't know what her response will be.

My T has never talked about attachment as such - thankfully he has never brought up attachment theory and types of attachment. I have told him about my feelings about him, which are varied but in general positive. It has been very difficult for me to do, but the outcome has been entirely positive. Since therapy is the only place where it is possible for me to discuss my feelings, positive or negative, for the other person in the room, it is kind of a nice experience. My T's response has been validating, respectful and interested.

[nicoleflynn]

It is normal to become attached to someone who is kind and listens to us.

[precaryous]

My T and I are discussing this again now. Quite frankly, I am confused by this whole deal. I know how I feel. I feel some bonding or attachment for her. She seems to encourage it. Last week I mentioned something about our bond maybe increasing over time...(not meaning anything bad or counter therapeutic)...and she seemed to discourage this idea.
I have emailed her asking if she feels attachments are bad....and what did she mean?

Months and months ago, PreviousT said this: "Your attachment will grow…and you and she will negotiate the direction of growth…that is what attachments are…"

So, yes, I am with you ....confused.

[stopdog]

The first one I see talked about it and tried to get me to do it with her when I first started going. Fortunately she has stopped bringing it up. The second has never mentioned it.
I would find it odd that a therapist would react badly to such a declaration. It is quite different, in my understanding, from the declarations of love, which reportedly, some therapists handle very badly indeed.

[ragsnfeathers]

I've been going to this t for about 3 months. For context, his approach is psychodynamic and he's training to be a psychoanalyst. From previous posts here it appears that a t's treatment modality sometime affects how much importance they place on attachment.

Last session divided itself into two parts. In the first, biggest part, I was intensely trying to understand each part of a test I took many years ago and what it says about my brain. He answered all my questions as well as he could and had some good insights but seemed annoyed by my micro-focus on it. In the second part of the session I started talking about attachment and my fears around it. As he was asking clarifying questions you could just see him doing handstands inside his head. So, he would not be put off if I started feeling more attachment and talking about it with him.

Originally Posted by precaryous

Months and months ago, PreviousT said this: "Your attachment will grow…and you and she will negotiate the direction of growth…that is what attachments are…"

May I respectfully say that PreviousT seems to be overly sure of what reality is like for other people? I don't think I would be comfortable with that in a therapist.

I don't even understand what "negotiate the direction of growth" is supposed to mean - it's not something that applies to attachments I form.

[precaryous]

Absolutely, thank you for the input.

I have told PrevT quite a lot about my therapy with CurrentT, so she may be making assumptions based on that. I admit with this latest confusion PrevT may be wrong.

What does she mean about "negotiate the direction of growth?"
I take it to mean CurrentT and I will decide what the boundaries of this attachment or bond are...together....what I feel is helpful..as well as what CurrentT feels is helpful.

I have found that flare ups like this with CurrentT usually happen because I have heard something incorrectly..as in, not understood what she meant. I will be talking to CurrentT about this very soon.

i told my T last session, and it was a major step for me. she told me she cared and she'd never abandon or drop me, and that she was glad i could trust her but wanted to focus on making it so i could trust some more people as well as her.

[laxer12]

Originally Posted by Annaflower

i told my T last session, and it was a major step for me. she told me she cared and she'd never abandon or drop me, and that she was glad i could trust her but wanted to focus on making it so i could trust some more people as well as her.

That's the exact response I would want from my T if I told her! I want her to tell me that should would never drop me so I can stop worrying about it and know that she will be there.

[laxer12]

Originally Posted by Bipolarchic14

She may already know, especially since you brought up attachment in other relationships. It is not uncommon for patients to become attached.

You've got a good point. We've talked about attachment so much that she probably expects it to happen with her. I try really hard to respect her boundaries by not contacting her outside of sessions and not asking her personal questions which would be the only reason why maybe she wouldn't think I was attached to her.

Originally Posted by laxer12

That's the exact response I would want from my T if I told her! I want her to tell me that should would never drop me so I can stop worrying about it and know that she will be there.

i hope you get that response.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

It is normal to become attached to someone who is kind and listens to us.

Yes, I think so too. I don't understand the negative connotations around this. And if the T offers you real attunement and mirroring, perhaps greater than what you experienced as a child, then I can say from experience this can have a major impact.

And if one does form an attachment with T, even if it borders on dependence, it is not as if you did something wrong. The process can induce this, if you the sort of history that makes it possible. And it can be dangerous, but i would imagine if handled properly could also be reparative.

I would also say be wary of deferring too much to a T's "diagnosis" or labels or assertions about what is wrong or right with you. There is little science or solid evidence behind any of this. Trust your own insights and gut feelings. Just my opinions...

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by Annaflower

i told my T last session, and it was a major step for me. she told me she cared and she'd never abandon or drop me, and that she was glad i could trust her but wanted to focus on making it so i could trust some more people as well as her.

This is what happened with my ex T. She correctly sensed that much of what was driving my behavior was the need to know if she was still there, between sessions, or even during sessions. Early childhood patterns no doubt.

And so she said don't worry I am not going anywhere. And she was quite amazing for a while, always coming thru for me.

And then we terminated in the middle of the ***** because she felt we weren't progressing, and she probably felt like a failure and couldn't face it. And I am still picking thru the rubble of the emotional devastation that resulted, 6 months later.

[laxer12]

Anyone have good advice on how to bring it up? Is it best to just be direct and say "I think I am attached to you." I don't know if I could get those words out...I think I would feel more comfortable if I am more indirect and ask her if she would ever leave me or tell her that I'm afraid of her leaving me.

I realize being direct is probably the best way but I honestly think I would sit there for 10 minutes before I was able to say it.

I didnt have to tell her... She could tell

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by laxer12

Anyone have good advice on how to bring it up? Is it best to just be direct and say "I think I am attached to you." I don't know if I could get those words out...I think I would feel more comfortable if I am more indirect and ask her if she would ever leave me or tell her that I'm afraid of her leaving me.

I realize being direct is probably the best way but I honestly think I would sit there for 10 minutes before I was able to say it.

You could start by saying there's something you want to discuss but you are afraid. Or, you could ask her thoughts on attachment. Both of those avenues will probably tip her off. easy to say but hard to do - don't be scared I'm sure she's seen it before. it would be good to talk about.