i've done something terrible, please help me

no, i don't live with my abuser. he was my uncle, but he was also a therapist, which may be the reason why i'm feeling so awful.

That's awful. No children should be abused ever. Sorry

I still find hard to imagine not know if t has kids. After a year it never came out?

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My completely unscientific impression, based on my selective reading of these forums, is that it is more common for therapists in North America to tell their clients such details about themselves. Not to say that it doesn't happen elsewhere, but it might not be quite as common. (I have never had a T tell me whether they have a partner and/or children, and I would not want them to. I have seen my current T for about three years at this point.)

^ yes i agree with this. i live in England and over here the therapists don't tend to reveal much about themselves.

i am feeling better though. i'm going to try to put it behind me. i feel bad about SI-ing but it's over now. if she has kids, it doesn't affect our relationship.

Interesting! So it is not the same in other places?

I and my t never discuss her and don't have attachments but it comes out in general just as a quick comment like if she says she will be out of town (when we are scheduling) because she is visiting her son. Or that she goes on vacation with her husband, just casual remarks. It is not like she starts going in details.

Sometimes it could be important. I want my t to have children as she can relate to me more in my opinion

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I didn't know you are in UK. My daughter now lives in UK, got married there. Great that you going better and you are right it won't effect your relationship with her

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thank you

I'm glad to hear this. And you are right, it doesn't affect your relationship. It might still be a good subject for you to discuss with her, though.

divine1966 - a lot of it is probably simply individual differences between Ts, but I'm sure that there are also significant differences in terms of guidelines and customs between Ts in different countries.

Please please definitely talk to her about the transference. It will open up a whole new part of your relationship and you will find out SO much about yourself and where these feelings come from.

I have maternal transference with my T. and it took me a long time to tell her and I was SOOOOO embarrassed. I too knew the word and told her I had a lot of feelings towards her. It really probably took me the entire session to peep out that my feelings are strong like towards a mother. She asked if I had heard of transference and I said yes. She asked me 4 times over the next few sessions how I knew that word. LOL I told her it comes up when you google "feelings for your therapist". The transference has been the core of my therapy for the past 10 months. My brother is a psychologist and he told me once "hasn't she told you that means the therapy is working". I said NO! When I told her this she said my brother probably doesn't tell his patients either. Most T's know it's happening before the client.

Once I got that out, we've discussed my needs (ugh, I used to hate that word since it made me feel 7 years old), how they weren't met when I was younger and I treat/interact with my T. just like I did my mom. So, she's getting to see my incorrect thought/behavior patterns when I think it's all about my T.

My transference is less but it comes in waves. As I get closer to difficult subjects, it gets more intense and my needs come up more.

I can't stress enough how important it is to tell her. You will feel so much better and then you can tell her that you don't like that she has children. The two of you will explore why and it might even cause her to tell you how it doesn't matter that she does - she still cares about you.

Also, maybe you can get an earlier appointment with her?
oh, and if you think you might have a hard time telling her, then write it down for either you to read or for her to read. You can do it!!!!

And, unfortunately with maternal transference, it will be hard for others (other than here on PC) to understand unless you also explain what transference is. I've explained to 3 friends and they have found it fascinating and they help me realize when I'm treating my T. like my mom and not like her. I always think my T. doesn't care about me which is one big issue.

I am sorry to be so late to this thread. What comes to mind right now is how in the midst of everything you just posted in an extremely supportive way on another thread that I also posted on. To express such support and compassion during such a crisis is remarkable and so admirable. Keep on hanging in there!

(((((8888n8888)))))

thank you so much guys. Soccer mom, i'm going to tell her that i feel abandoned and scared she doesn't care for me. i'm hoping this will be a way to start getting my feelings out about her, since i'm too embarrassed to say 'maternal transference' directly. but i hope she will catch on.

Bill, i'm feeling a bit better so glad i can be of help, i'm trying hard not to be stuck in my own head and think about others too

I also think you should read the quote at the bottom of your post - I'm pretty sure your T. is by your side watching you work hard and willing to help you in any way.

thank you, i really needed that

I'm really glad to hear that you're feeling a bit better 8888an8888... and glad you're going to get the chance to talk to your therapist about all this!

thank you

8888an8888, Thank you so much for letting us know that you're doing better. You have alot of people here who care about you.

thank you. that is so comforting and nice to know. i honestly don't know what i would do without you guys.

Maternal transference and dependency type attachment can be healthy if utilized appropriately. I learned a lot from not only the women, but from the transference itself. And attachment is beneficial to me because it allows me to go deeper faster. I depend on my T to get me out of the attachment at some point (termination is not the appropriate way to do that though).

I'm glad you're doing better. And I do understand.

There's 4 things I hope for you right now:
1. Continue to take care of yourself.
2. Talk to your T about this.
3. Try to look at the positives; change your perspective.
4. Know that you're cared about.

You can make it through this. It hurts. You feel betrayed. And it's a huge shock. But it might be a good thing.

Thank you Scarlet, i'm going to try to do those 4 things. i'm seeing that her having kids has nothing to do with us. and it hurts a little less knowing that if she has kids, they're grown up. i don't know why, but it does.

Because if they're grown up, then they already received a lot of love and affection and don't need as much as a child does. And emotionally right now, you're like a child and need a lot of love.

you hit the nail on the head.