i've done something terrible, please help me

thank you everyone trying to help you are all so kind,

i don't think i can get through tonight. when i was in hospital they suggested i may have BPD bc of the abandonmnt and emotional instability and impulsivity, i don't know if i have it but the impulse is just to go out when my parents are in bed and do something stupid, i can't get through tonight, i literally cannot bear this

You dont have to say what happened initially........you just say something has happened and I need help. I am feeling like ...... and I am scared and need you help. Please can you help.

Sweetie that is all you need to do......please just call and leave a message. Or text or email.

And you are right.......you cant think straight right now.....understandably. You can and will get through this, just let your T help. Please. Send a message and then sleep on it, wait until the morning and let her help you.

You can do this 8. You do matter, to her, to us. Ok?

If it is so bad you can't get through tonight can you go to A&E? I know it's not ideal, but I hate to think of you being at risk of harming yourself. You said yourself that you are too blinded to see straight, so you know that the sui thoughts aren't part of straight thinking. They are not the kind of thoughts you can trust and act on. If you are not safe, please don't take a chance with your life.
Remember the Samaritans number above could be a first step

If you are feeling unsafe, then you need to go to the hospital. Do what you need to do to STAY SAFE.

Hi - You are caught up in powerful emotions. Lots of good and caring advice here. One more little thing. Breathe. Just let the emotion sit there and try to take some good breaths. You can be safe, you can get through this, you can breathe. And of course you could talk to your T about this if you choose. I think emailing her is a great idea, as someone else said above. But breathe, please breathe.

How you doing, 8?

I just read through your thread and I am really worried about you..I know I don't know you but really see you're in so much pain and feel worry. You should not be alone right now. PLEASE reach out to someone you can be with right now. Please let us know you are okay.

(((((8888an8888)))))

I'm worried about you too... please hang in there! You're not bad, what you did is perfectly normal. And, as others have said... even if she has kids, it's not going to change how she feels for you.

Please, please if you can, give your T a call. I know it sounds overwhelming and impossible, but really, just take it one small tiny step at a time. Just leave her a message that something happened and you're having trouble coping and need help.

As others have said, even if you haven't talked about transference, she should know what it is... she should have learned all about it in T school. It's VERY NORMAL - transference is completely normal, and most Ts expect it, even if they don't talk to you about it. It's part of being in therapy.

But you don't even have to get into all that. You just need to tell her that something happened, you're upset, you're not coping well, and you need help. That's it. Just that you need help now, and are having suicidal thoughts.

Please, please, let her help you. Everything you've said sounds like she cares a great deal about you, and we all do.

Other ideas - I 1000% agree on getting out for a walk or run if you can, or doing something physical (exercise video? jumping jacks? dancing to loud music?) to help burn off some of the stress chemicals that you're body is releasing. It should help somewhat with all the urges to hurt yourself, even if it sounds crazy... you wear yourself out with something that is healthier and less damaging...

And, again, if you're still feeling out of control - please consider going to the hospital. I just want you to stay safe... you really do deserve that.

Hang in there, and be safe, please.

Are you okay today?
I guess for me the opposite is true. I am glad when my T's are married and have children, then they understand the difficulties of marriage and parenthood. And the fears I have of screwing up my kids the way I was screwed up as a kid.
Your T hasn't abandoned your, or her responsibilities towards you. I hope you can feel that?

8 how are you doing sweetie?

I do hope you have been able to reach out for some support. Come back and let us all know how you are when you can. You can and will get through this.

Sorry I didn't read this sooner! Been stuck in my own little world.

((((((((8888an8888))))))))

Parental responsibility could have so many meaning. It could be the husband's kid. It could even be pets!

Why do you think she would care about you any less if she does have children? People can love more than one thing/person at a time.

I have had a TON of mother-figures (i.e. maternal transference) over the years. I have actually foumd that the women who already were mothers were more motherly.

Do talk to your T, please. Just simply ask her if she's married and has children. Then see where the conversation takes you.

Btw, I was shocked as hell when I found out my Pdoc was pregnant. I didn't think she was married or had kids, and for the reason I thought she might be gay. Wrong on all accounts

Please stay safe.

Hope you managed to get through last night, 8. Please let us know if you can.

thank you so much everyone.

i fell asleep and managed to get through the night. i'm feeling a bit different now its the morning. the kids in the pictures weren't hers, they were her niece and nephew.

i suppose when her husband said 'parental responsibilities' he could've meant HIS kids or their dog. but i don't think so. i'm going to ask her if she has kids on Friday.

i was too embarrassed to reach out. if i feel as awful tonight, i think i will. i'm just utterly heartbroken. thank you guys for saying that she can still be a mother figure though.

it just sucks because i'd really told myself that she was childless, it was my only comfort. i don't know how i can even see her again. it will never be the same.

it's knocked me back massively. i'm considering telling my mother about the discovery because i think she might understand. i just can't bear this. i can't see any way out. i'm just devastated, completely, devastated.

I'm glad you got some sleep 8.

It is understandable to feel overwhelmed and sad about this. I think it would be great though if you could talk about it with your T sweetie. She is in the best place to support you through this. Don't say 'never' just yet to seeing her again. These feelings will lessen and can be worked through if you want to give it a chance.

And if you think your Mum may understand, and be supportive, then that sounds like a great idea to share this with her too.

I remember when my T put a photo in his room of his wife and son. It HURT! Not because I wanted to be in his family, but for me it was because he appeared to have everything that I dearly wanted, and had lost. These things really impact us hun, it is normal. It hurts. Eventually, I told him and he acknowledged the hurt. He actually said it took a lot of deep thinking before he put it there, because he knew it may impact us....his clients. T's expect this sort of thing.

Take good kind care of yourself 8

"my wife and i have set aside our careers and parental responsibilities"

THIS is the only evidence i have. please could someone tell me if this suggests she has children???

i just tried to talk to my mum but it was useless, i couldn't explain anything and her unhelpful response was: "well of course she has children, she probably does. She has a LIFE. she looks like the kind of person who would have a GOOD LIFE too"
so that just knocked me even further. i knew she wouldn't understand. no one ****ing does.

Bring jealous of siblings is a very young feeling.
Discovering info about your T that reinforces her separate Ness is also a very young feeling.
These are painful emotions to work through, hence why we should have got through them during childhood.
You can either run and live life afraid, or face the issues and reach a level if maturity where you can fully enjoy life.

i don't have any siblings myself but i can see what you mean, i should've resolved all of it when i was a kid but i didn't. i just feel insanely jealous of her children, and i feel like i don't matter.

it's like my T just used me and strung me along, just like my abuser did, and i trusted her and genuinely believed she loved me, just like my abuser. but she doesn't. she's just another therapist. she doesn't care about me.

god, this is torturous

You couldn't have trusted her as you were Googling her. Perhaps you want the outside to match your insides than you can say, see, I told you no one cares about me.
No she probably doesn't care about you in the way you think someone should, but that doesn't mean there isn't some level if caring there.
Separating fantasy and reality us tough. But it's not an either, or thing.
I've been there, it's painful. I prefer reality.

You're overly attached.

This can't be healthy for your healing.

She's not teaching you about proper boundaries.

Best to move on.

she has really, really helped me. i can't let go of her, she is my rock. we've never talked about boundaries. i suppose now would be a good time to do it. i'm desperately trying to pick myself back up. it was just a shock finding that she has kids, it was a massive shock i didn't expect.

You haven't ruined anything, 888. Can you try to get hold of her today? There is no reason to think that she does not care about you. That is your own self-doubt talking, not your T. Don't ascribe feelings and opinions to her - give her a chance to help you through this.

I have never seen anything in 888's posts that hint at poor boundaries from the therapist's side.

Please call someone either your or doctor or crisis line. Please don't suffer alone and don't harm yourself.

I am sorry you were abused. But from my understanding you aren't a child no more right? No one will abuse you. Do you still live with your abusers?

Talk to t when you see her tell her how you feel, no shame googling her name or being upset.

I am wondering how long she has been your therapist. It seems such common knowledge if they have kids. I am not that close to my t and we never talk about her yet I know she is married and has two adult sons.

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Yes it means children but it could he his

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thank you. i am going to talk to her about it next session, particularly the feeling of being betrayed or abandoned. she has been my therapist for a year.

i'm feeling a bit better now. i suppose that if she does have kids, they're grown up. which doesn't hurt quite as much. and i guess she could still care about me, and i could still love her. it just hurts.