Do conversations with your T "blossom"?

Sorry for the goofy word, but I wasn't sure of a better, less silly, way to say it.

Do conversations with your T "blossom"? I've noticed that with some people in my life, conversations just... blossom. They have a lot of interesting things to add, the things they say spark more thoughts for me, I talk, they talk, and an hour goes by very quickly because we both spark ideas for each other. It's fun, and it feels very "connecting" to me. It feels like we understand each other and are coming from a shared place, even if we're actually disagreeing and trying to explain our points of view.

I don't get this with T. And it's frustrating. Sometimes I feel like I toss him the conversational ball, and he just takes it and puts it in a drawer behind him. There's no... well, blossoming or sparking.

An example. Soccer Mom made an interesting comment on one of my threads, that her T had said that it's really hard to keep people who have a history of childhood emotional neglect in therapy. Well, that's me! And that sort of fascinated me!

So, I told T. And, I was a bit nervous telling him, but I did... and asked him if that was his experience. His response was, "yes."

That's it. "Yes." Ummm. I guess I was expecting some discussion, maybe some information on *why*, on how people with neglect background perceive things, or why therapy is harder for them than others, or even ways that I, as someone with this type of background, can feel better about therapy and deal with my feelings of wanting to quit. (I've told him, and think that I did again in this session, that I want to quit after every other session. Maybe he thinks I'm exaggerating? He clearly does not read this forum !)

Does that make sense, that it feels like a "miss"? I think this happens kind of a lot, and is maybe one of the reasons that I end up feeling like we're not on the same page, and that he's not understanding me. It's kind of a subtle thing, but it sort of takes the wind out of my sails, so to speak, and feels like something that makes me less eager to be open and share.

Thanks...

No - I do not experience blossoming with the woman in usual appointments. There may be blossoming around the pets but that is it.

Sometimes I feel my T. is short but I've always thought she wanted me to talk more about it. For example, instead of just saying it's hard to keep you in therapy, tell him WHY you feel that way. Also, did you get the books I mentioned? They will give you a lot of insight.

I have a habit of spitting something out (especially if it's difficult) and then waiting for T's response. But, I don't think she knows exactly what to say because I'm not telling her what I'm thinking - reasons I want to quit, that I want her to encourage me to keep coming, that maybe I'm going to quit so she can't abandon me, etc.

So, maybe next time you can revisit it and even tell him you were hoping he would say more. Give him all the reasons you find therapy difficult and want to leave and then see if you get more of an answer?

Mine are rewarding & enlightening.

If the therapist wants one to tell them more about something - then they should say so. Making or expecting a client to guess what is supposed to be happening is one of the things that sets me off most about those guys.

Blossoming can occur, but mostly it is hard slog as I struggle to express my meaning and comprehend hers.

No one said it would be easy.

i wouldn't say 'blossom' but i would say its easy to talk to her, although i'm a shy and socially anxious person.

Thanks, everyone.

Soccer Mom... It's just so weird to me... it almost feels like they way he reacts with stuff like that makes me *less* likely to go into more detail. It's not the type of response that says, "tell me more", it's the type of response that says, "Yes, and this isn't an issue worth discussion. What else do you have?" It's like it conveys no interest at all to me.

And, I don't even know what I want to say! I don't have anything planned out - with this, it literally was that what you wrote *resonated* with me, and I didn't have a well-thought out response. It was just "oh that sounds right/important."

I feel like this, right now, us writing back and forth, is more "blossoming" than I get from T. When people write here with their experiences and questions about things to think about it... it gets me thinking, and writing, which eventually (sometimes!) leads to *insight*.

Why can't T do that?

If he didn't know where I wanted to go with it, why couldn't he say that? Why not just say, "Yes, I've noticed that too. Was there something specific you were thinking about?" or "Yeah, I've noticed that - how do you think your parent's neglect is influencing you in here?"

Or if he was smart and putting together the big picture, "Yeah, that's true. So, are you still struggling with wanting to quit after every other session?" That would show me that he was actually paying attention, and getting the big picture!

Bah. (Sorry I'm still in "therapy sucks" mode!)

*Thanks*

I know how you feel. This week I told my T. that I feel stuck when I start talking about grieving my mom. I said I try to talk about it and then I go blank along with feeling a heaviness in my chest. I said I don't know what to say next and need help. I don't remember her saying one thing about it which seems would be very important. But, I may have kept talking and switched subjects. Sometimes she doesn't want to say anything to see where my thought process goes.

You definitely need to talk to him about the conversation (or lack thereof) between the two of you. Because, if it doesn't get better it might not be a good fit.

Pets? Do you mean in therapy?

Thanks so much for this, Guilloche! Maybe you can pretend that your therapist is the client when he gives you a one-word answer and ask if he could expand on that.

It sounds like tough going.

someimes T's have given me answers like that. It can be really frustrating, especially when I don't know where to go with it and hope they can provide some direction. In the past when that happened, I would try to go back at another time and re-visit the topic, or tell the T (usually in writing) that I really needed and wanted to talk about X, but that I felt they were not interested. Sometimes the T told me they were waiting to see where I took it, other times they didn't realize it was something I wanted to persue further...

I too have friends with whom conversations blossom - I wonder if those specific friends have a talent and make all their conversations blossom? Or if it is together? With my ex-t I noticed that she never probed - if I brought something up she never asked questions to clarify or probe. I don't know if that is a therapy style?
I was also very struck by soccer moms comment that it is hard to keep people in therapy who had emotional neglect and have been mulling it over.

I'm almost positive it was the book "Running On Empty". The author also has a webpage which you can find by googling Childhood Emotional Neglect. She somewhat came up with the phrase. People have posted comments on there so you might find it interesting.

There's a chapter specifically for therapists and one part said something like "you may hear your client say 'I don't want to need you'". Whatever it was, it was EXACTLY what I had told my therapist early on. I read it once last summer and again about a month ago - at different times in my therapy.

Conversations with my t seem to be easy most of the time, but it's often because I'm dying to talk to someone about things going on in my life. He often fascillates further discussion by asking good, probing questions as well as noticing when I'm having a hard time talking and understanding and helping me work through those hard feelings.

It does sound like a bad fit. He sounds like a dullard. This is not on you. Have you tried seeing other ts? Is he an analyst snd trying to play hardball, or is this just his personality? I would ask him, then make my decision. Maybe theres a method to his boringness.

Maybe there is something in his technique though? Maybe it makes you have to - I'm not sure the right word - makes you have to initiate something - gives you space to be you rather than simply bouncing off him? Gives you space to find the real you?

It happened sometimes, depending on the topic. I really liked in when that happened! Sometimes it was the other way around because all I could say was "yes", "no", "I don't know" or even "Um, what was the question again?". Most of the time we had "normal" conversations.

Maybe your T gives those short answers because he thinks its off topic and he wants you to go back to your own story?

I could be there's no click between you two. Then I'd suggest you'd find another T. That click is really important to make therapy work.

My conversations with t are almost always of the blossoming variety. One of the things I am going to miss about talking with her.

This..^^^
He said it better than I could.

Often they do, though not every session. The best is when we both seem to land on the same conversational wavelength, get into our groove, and continuously build off of what each other previously said. Like, more conversational pieces are added, some get taken away, others are clarified, and in the end we have a superb melange of ideas and emotions that I get to take home with me, in a figurative sense.

This definitely does not happen at every session. Many sessions are spent just covering what's urgent or rehashing other topics. But those non-blossoming days kind of lay the foundation for the ones that do blossom.

I would definitely say that our conversations "blossom". I'll start the conversation with something I've been thinking about or one thing that happened and the rest of the hour flies by. At the end we've either ended up in a completely different place or we've expanded so much on the topic that I finally "get it". I don't always have a response to what she says unless it's a question but T gives me the time to think it over and process before pushing me further. She will also often ask me to expand on a thought so she understands it better or asks me to "paint her a picture" of what is going on for me in a certain situation. Only once has our conversation died out during session and I brought up something else that we talked about until the end. It takes a lot of pressure off of me to come up with a list of topic every week. Usually one thought/event/idea will do the trick.

... should I ever actually manage to break away from her. At the moment this does not seem like it will ever happen. Meh.

Thanks everyone. It bugs me. I don't know, it just feels like there's something *missing*. Especially the feeling that there are interesting, useful things to talk about... but when I try to toss him the ball, he misses. If I knew what those things were, I'd be happy to lead the conversation - I'm not consciously trying to force him to do all the work and pull it out of me. It's just that, without that back and forth, I'm not sure how you ever figure any of it out? Like here, part of what helps me is having people react and ask questions - it forces me to think about different points of view and to really dig to figure out my answers, sometimes, and that helps me get some clarity!

Soccer Mom - thanks. I do have the book (Running on Empty) - but haven't finished it yet. I started it, and liked it, but got distracted (work stress, travel) and now have a pile of psych books that I haven't finished . My brain seems to be rejecting them. Or I'm depressed, ignoring them, and instead binge-watching DVDs of old TV shows .

Thanks for the tip about talking to him. I agree, but I'm also starting to think maybe it really isn't a good fit. It sucks, because I've started to get attached, and there are things I like. And really, I'm not up for T-shopping again. It was *so hard* to get started with this one, and he's the first that I've managed to tell some of my stuff to. I don't want to go through that again!

I'm still considering quitting altogether, and just re-stabilizing myself. It's frustrating to see how much worse off I am when I'm in therapy.

Jo Thorne - love the idea to pretend he's the client. Next time I'm definitely going to pipe up with, "could you tell me more about that?"

Brown Owl - I bet that it's the combination of you and the friend. I can't believe that there are people out there that are so naturally gifted with conversations that they can blossom up any conversation, with any person! It's got to be the chemistry between two people, don't you think?

I'm not sure if it's a technique, I really hope not. If so, I think he would have noticed by now that it tends to shut me down, not make me talk more... he's pretty good, usually, about adjusting... so I'm thinking it's not a technique.

Ha, thanks Hankster! Maybe... but I think he's an OK person. I don't dislike him. He actually can be quite emphatic at time, and even sometimes makes faces (which makes me happy, faces I can deal with). Plus he comments when I make faces back, even though they're usually faces that say, "ewwwww are you kidding me? You will never convince me that sitting in a room full of strangers talking about my problems is a good idea, not in this lifetime buddy!"

Thanks Coco3 - I like him OK, but I don't know about the click. I've seen alot of therapists, and am pretty unclickable with all of them, sadly. That's part of what makes it hard (thinking about quitting) - is there's a lot that's done better than any of the others. I think he's a bit more real, and he's really good at staying non-defensive. But I wish he remembered things better, and wish he'd do a better job at understanding and reflecting back things for me.

Thanks everybody - sorry for not responding more... I'm about to fall over, have to get cleaned up and to bed, it's late here and I have to drive into the office tomorrow Yuck. Wish I could just spend all my time here, and figuring out my life!

Sometimes. Sometimes they fall on the ground.