[scorpiosis37]

I know a lot of people on here write about ET for their therapists, but how often in RL do you experience attraction to someone new? I suppose this is probably a more relevant question for those who are single. I so rarely find myself attracted to anyone, and I wished it happened more often. I probably come across someone I find attractive maybe once a year. Is that really low? I've talked about this topic in therapy, but my T doesn't really have any advice to offer. I don't suppose you can "make" yourself attracted to a wider variety of people, so I'm not sure that there is anything to "work on." Is this something anyone else has experienced or discussed in therapy? (Just for clarification, I don't have ET for my current therapist. I did for a previous T years ago, but never for current T).

ETA: I am referring to how often you feel attraction for people in RL (not Ts).

[stopdog]

I jave never been attracted to a therapist I was paying to be the therapist. I am not attracted to many people at all. And all attraction, for me, does not become sexual attraction.

[feralkittymom]

This was something I talked about with my T, too. Like you, I just found I wasn't erotically attracted to many people. There were lots of people I was attracted to in other ways, however, so we decided that there were 2 explanations and 'remedies." The first was that it wasn't a situation of some sort of broad disorder of relationship, since I had many friendships/working relationships of varying levels of intimacy--so no remedy of that sort indicated. The second was that my trauma experiences accounted for my not recognizing those for whom I might develop erotic feelings--a kind of unconscious defense: if I didn't feel attraction, then I didn't have to contend with the negative feelings the attraction would stir up. So often it would only be in situations in which the other person revealed attraction to me that I would have to confront these uncomfortable feelings. The remedy was to become more conscious of stirrings and to reframe them from negative to positive. I wish I could say that it was all a resounding success, but it hasn't fully worked out that way over the years. It's certainly less upsetting to me, and that is good; but I also think stage of life and natural drives are part of the picture, too, and so it's just become less of a priority for me.

[scorpiosis37]

Thanks for your response feralkittymom.

In my case, I have no history of sexual trauma and I have had long-term relationships. Currently, I've been single for a few years but I'm 30 now and at the stage in life where I would like to get married (to a woman) and have children. There just hasn't been anyone I am interested in. I gave it a shot and went on 3 dates with women who approached me this month, but I wasn't ultimately interested in any of them-- physically, emotionally, or otherwise. They were perfectly nice, I just didn't feel any attraction. In fact, I was crossing my fingers at the end of each date that they wouldn't try to hug/kiss/touch me in any way. My friends think that I'm "picky," but I would rather be single than date the wrong person. Been there, done that. I guess I just wish I found people I was attracted to more often, like my friends do. They go on dates, and tend to like the person afterwards. I tend not to. I WANT to like more of them-- I just don't.

[stopdog]

I never went on what I would consider dates with anyone who became my lover until at least 6-8 months into knowing them. I certainly never kissed anyone that quickly. It might make one wonder how my lovers have been that patient - but since I have had several over my lifetime and am partnered up now, it seems to have not been an entirely unsuccessful way of being. I also never set out to have being partnered up as a specific goal. That seems like an enormous amount of pressure.

[scorpiosis37]

Stopdog, did you find these women attractive initially or did they only become so to you after you got to know them? I wish that I could meet people the way you have. I really do think that it is preferable to know people first, in a platonic capacity. It just so happens that there isn't anyone I know in that way that is 1) lesbian and 2) even marginally attractive to me. The last time I did meet a woman naturally-- as part of an academic group-- after 2 dates, she had some personal issues and I ended up quitting the group because she was behaving do weirdly around me afterwards. So, then I was out a date and a group. Other than her, it's been years since I found anyone in my circle attractive in a romantic way. You're also right that it is a lot of pressure to have being in a relationship as a "goal." I try not to think of it that way. It's really that I never was part of a "family" growing up and have always wanted to be part of a "family." I really want kids, and I think it would be much easier to do so if I had a partner. I would also like the companionship. I don't need it, but it would be nice.

I have not felt myself very sexually attracted to people in my life, even my husband. After a couple of months in therapy my therapy kind of opened up my emotions that I have probably kept a lid on all my life, it also kind of opened up sexual feelings. I never saw these as being directed to my T. My thought is that, for women especially, sexual feelings can be related to our emotions, so if we unconsciously close down our emotions, sexual feelings can be closed down too.

[stopdog]

Usually not until after I got to know them.

[musinglizzy]

I've wondered this about myself too. Firstly, I AM married. But we have had our issues, and as the years passed, I've found I have no desire, definitely not attracted to him anymore (his hygiene has gone out the window), nor am I attracted to anyone else. Nor have I been. I have no desire for sex. I've talked to my T about all of this, and I've also told her in my dream world, I would be single, with a bunch of animals, maybe a same sex roommate or two.

My T does not believe me when I say I would be totally ok with never having sex again. I quit trying to justify myself.... but I'm just not a sexual being anymore...and could take it or leave it. She says I haven't met the right person. I told her I'd never go looking. As it is, hubby and I live together but apart. We don't share a bedroom. We also typically get along ok...

Wow...I can't believe I am saying all of this....but I have wondered myself if there's "something wrong with me," that I have no desire for sex. I DO have the desire for companionship, whether it be a partner (not likely) or friend(s). A friend of mine (also not in an ideal marriage) and I have joked about becoming roomies if we ever found ourselves single, because surprisingly, she feels the same way I do on everything. We would make great room mates. In fact, we have lived together.....she stayed with us for 6-8 months during a rough patch in her life.

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

I've wondered this about myself too. Firstly, I AM married. But we have had our issues, and as the years passed, I've found I have no desire, definitely not attracted to him anymore (his hygiene has gone out the window), nor am I attracted to anyone else. Nor have I been. I have no desire for sex. I've talked to my T about all of this, and I've also told her in my dream world, I would be single, with a bunch of animals, maybe a same sex roommate or two.

My T does not believe me when I say I would be totally ok with never having sex again. I quit trying to justify myself.... but I'm just not a sexual being anymore...and could take it or leave it. She says I haven't met the right person. I told her I'd never go looking. As it is, hubby and I live together but apart. We don't share a bedroom. We also typically get along ok...

Wow...I can't believe I am saying all of this....but I have wondered myself if there's "something wrong with me," that I have no desire for sex. I DO have the desire for companionship, whether it be a partner (not likely) or friend(s). A friend of mine (also not in an ideal marriage) and I have joked about becoming roomies if we ever found ourselves single, because surprisingly, she feels the same way I do on everything. We would make great room mates. In fact, we have lived together.....she stayed with us for 6-8 months during a rough patch in her life.

That doesn't sound good that your T doesn't believe you. Thanks for sharing all this, it's not always easy sharing our stuff, even here on PC to a bunch of faceless friends.

[musinglizzy]

I think she thinks if circumstances change down the road, my thoughts/needs will also. Who knows. Honestly, I really don't care! Maybe she's right....but my thoughts now don't bother me at all. I only started questioning it when she did.

[iheartjacques]

Current T is the only one I've been attracted to. I probably only find one or two people out of a thousand to be attractive at first sight

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

Thanks for your response feralkittymom.

In my case, I have no history of sexual trauma and I have had long-term relationships. Currently, I've been single for a few years but I'm 30 now and at the stage in life where I would like to get married (to a woman) and have children. There just hasn't been anyone I am interested in. I gave it a shot and went on 3 dates with women who approached me this month, but I wasn't ultimately interested in any of them-- physically, emotionally, or otherwise. They were perfectly nice, I just didn't feel any attraction. In fact, I was crossing my fingers at the end of each date that they wouldn't try to hug/kiss/touch me in any way. My friends think that I'm "picky," but I would rather be single than date the wrong person. Been there, done that. I guess I just wish I found people I was attracted to more often, like my friends do. They go on dates, and tend to like the person afterwards. I tend not to. I WANT to like more of them-- I just don't.

I could have written this word for word.
This is making me think I should definitely bring it up with my therapist!
I think there is nothing wrong with being picky.

But also, could it be possible that you have a specific type?
I'm asking because as gay women, we tend to have less choices in general and when you are looking for a certain "type" well it's gets even trickier.

I'm a femme and I'm only attracted to femme lesbians. There aren't a lot of feminine lesbians to begin with.

Then you add the fact that I'm looking for someone who is smart, educated, well-read and the pool gets smaller and smaller.

Sometimes I feel shallow because I just recently went on a date with someone who was perfectly nice and smart and we had talked for three weeks (online) before meeting up. But there was nothing. No attraction in real life. I wanted to like her, I just couldn't.
All of this to say that I relate.

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

I've wondered this about myself too. Firstly, I AM married. But we have had our issues, and as the years passed, I've found I have no desire, definitely not attracted to him anymore (his hygiene has gone out the window), nor am I attracted to anyone else. Nor have I been. I have no desire for sex. I've talked to my T about all of this, and I've also told her in my dream world, I would be single, with a bunch of animals, maybe a same sex roommate or two.

My T does not believe me when I say I would be totally ok with never having sex again. I quit trying to justify myself.... but I'm just not a sexual being anymore...and could take it or leave it. She says I haven't met the right person. I told her I'd never go looking. As it is, hubby and I live together but apart. We don't share a bedroom. We also typically get along ok...

Wow...I can't believe I am saying all of this....but I have wondered myself if there's "something wrong with me," that I have no desire for sex. I DO have the desire for companionship, whether it be a partner (not likely) or friend(s). A friend of mine (also not in an ideal marriage) and I have joked about becoming roomies if we ever found ourselves single, because surprisingly, she feels the same way I do on everything. We would make great room mates. In fact, we have lived together.....she stayed with us for 6-8 months during a rough patch in her life.

You know, I've often thought that the ideal partnership would living with someone else with separate bathrooms and separate bedrooms. And I think sex can be nice so.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by Myrto

I could have written this word for word.
This is making me think I should definitely bring it up with my therapist!
I think there is nothing wrong with being picky.

But also, could it be possible that you have a specific type?
I'm asking because as gay women, we tend to have less choices in general and when you are looking for a certain "type" well it's gets even trickier.

I'm a femme and I'm only attracted to femme lesbians. There aren't a lot of feminine lesbians to begin with.

Then you add the fact that I'm looking for someone who is smart, educated, well-read and the pool gets smaller and smaller.

Sometimes I feel shallow because I just recently went on a date with someone who was perfectly nice and smart and we had talked for three weeks (online) before meeting up. But there was nothing. No attraction in real life. I wanted to like her, I just couldn't.
All of this to say that I relate.

I could have written your post word for word as well! Yes, I do have a specific type. I'm also a femme lesbian who is only attracted to other femme lesbians. Add to that educated, financially stable, similar interests-- and yes, I realize my pool is small. But I keep thinking that there must be women out there who fit the bill, right?

I think online dating can be disappointing because it feels like I invest a fair amount of time and energy into getting to know someone, learning about their background, seeing if we have similar values and goals, scheduling a "date" to meet in person-- and then nothing. No attraction whatsoever. Even worse though is that the other person often does feel something, so then I have to be the "bad guy" and let her know that I'm not interested. I've gone through this whole scenario quite a few times, and wish I knew of a better way to meet people. But, in RL, there is no way to spot a femme lesbian-- so I tend to go back to online dating in the absence of better alternatives. I just end end up feeling bad or guilty for meeting people who seem perfectly nice and who want to pursue something with me-- but I just don't becsuse there is zero attraction. I wish there was. There just isn't.

i don't get attracted to many people. i'm not attracted to my T. i do love her like a mother though.

[StressedMess]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

I've wondered this about myself too. Firstly, I AM married. But we have had our issues, and as the years passed, I've found I have no desire, definitely not attracted to him anymore (his hygiene has gone out the window), nor am I attracted to anyone else. Nor have I been. I have no desire for sex. I've talked to my T about all of this, and I've also told her in my dream world, I would be single, with a bunch of animals, maybe a same sex roommate or two.

My T does not believe me when I say I would be totally ok with never having sex again. I quit trying to justify myself.... but I'm just not a sexual being anymore...and could take it or leave it. She says I haven't met the right person. I told her I'd never go looking. As it is, hubby and I live together but apart. We don't share a bedroom. We also typically get along ok...

Wow...I can't believe I am saying all of this....but I have wondered myself if there's "something wrong with me," that I have no desire for sex. I DO have the desire for companionship, whether it be a partner (not likely) or friend(s). A friend of mine (also not in an ideal marriage) and I have joked about becoming roomies if we ever found ourselves single, because surprisingly, she feels the same way I do on everything. We would make great room mates. In fact, we have lived together.....she stayed with us for 6-8 months during a rough patch in her life.

This! I have been single for the last 2 years, but for the last 10 years or more I have had no interest in sex, no desire for sex, I feel like I've lost the biological drive for sex. I fondly remember that I used to enjoy sex, seek it out, even initiate once in a while. At some point in my 30's I just lost that (I'm 41 now) and I can't say I miss it.

My T also says things like, "You'll meet the right man someday," or "you really need a social life," that make me roll my eyes. I'm really happy with my very complicated un-coupled-up life right now. I don't see a need to change that. If I become desperately lonely or suddenly find myself overcome with desire, then I will re-evaluate the situation.

It makes me sorta angry that T doesn't believe us!

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by Myrto

You know, I've often thought that the ideal partnership would living with someone else with separate bathrooms and separate bedrooms. And I think sex can be nice so.

LOL...well, we have separate bedrooms and separate bathrooms (on separate floors), but there's no sex in the mix!

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by StressedMess

This! I have been single for the last 2 years, but for the last 10 years or more I have had no interest in sex, no desire for sex, I feel like I've lost the biological drive for sex. I fondly remember that I used to enjoy sex, seek it out, even initiate once in a while. At some point in my 30's I just lost that (I'm 41 now) and I can't say I miss it.

My T also says things like, "You'll meet the right man someday," or "you really need a social life," that make me roll my eyes. I'm really happy with my very complicated un-coupled-up life right now. I don't see a need to change that. If I become desperately lonely or suddenly find myself overcome with desire, then I will re-evaluate the situation.

It makes me sorta angry that T doesn't believe us!

Interesting we're the same age too, I'll be 41 this year.

[Chummy]

When I was younger I was easily attracted to other people, but now. I haven't been attracted to a guy for the whole of 2014. And then I got a pdoc. I feel so attracted to him. I don't know why him, other than that he's kind of my type. Maybe I just don't really look around. Maybe I'm just not that interested in guys at the moment. And pdoc, I just had to see him and talk to him.

[divine1966]

I definitely get attracted to men. I like men lol A lot lol
I am either attracted to one I am with or if I am single I do get attracted to some other men. They don't have to look particularly hot I am attracted to something within. No not attracted to my t. She is a woman. I like company of women but not attracted to them



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[Myrto]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

I could have written your post word for word as well! Yes, I do have a specific type. I'm also a femme lesbian who is only attracted to other femme lesbians. Add to that educated, financially stable, similar interests-- and yes, I realize my pool is small. But I keep thinking that there must be women out there who fit the bill, right?

I think online dating can be disappointing because it feels like I invest a fair amount of time and energy into getting to know someone, learning about their background, seeing if we have similar values and goals, scheduling a "date" to meet in person-- and then nothing. No attraction whatsoever. Even worse though is that the other person often does feel something, so then I have to be the "bad guy" and let her know that I'm not interested. I've gone through this whole scenario quite a few times, and wish I knew of a better way to meet people. But, in RL, there is no way to spot a femme lesbian-- so I tend to go back to online dating in the absence of better alternatives. I just end end up feeling bad or guilty for meeting people who seem perfectly nice and who want to pursue something with me-- but I just don't becsuse there is zero attraction. I wish there was. There just isn't.

Completely agree about online dating but there are no other ways to find lesbians in my experience, even though I live in a big European city, the "scene" isn't actually diverse. It's not my thing either. So I'm stuck with online dating.
I've tried explaining this to my therapist (the very small pool) and she's empathetic but she doesn't really get it I'm afraid. Sigh.

Like you, I feel bad and guilty and I've even pursued a sort of relationship with one woman just because I thought attraction would eventually arise.
Of course it didn't and I wasted both my time and hers.

Sometimes I wonder if this is an unconscious way for me to not be in a relationship? Even though I crave intimacy, I'm also afraid of being hurt and I get closed off pretty quickly (anxious avoidant). I don't know.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Myrto

Completely agree about online dating but there are no other ways to find lesbians in my experience, even though I live in a big European city, the "scene" isn't actually diverse. It's not my thing either. So I'm stuck with online dating.

I've tried explaining this to my therapist (the very small pool) and she's empathetic but she doesn't really get it I'm afraid. Sigh.


Like you, I feel bad and guilty and I've even pursued a sort of relationship with one woman just because I thought attraction would eventually arise.

Of course it didn't and I wasted both my time and hers.


Sometimes I wonder if this is an unconscious way for me to not be in a relationship? Even though I crave intimacy, I'm also afraid of being hurt and I get closed off pretty quickly (anxious avoidant). I don't know.

My t doesn't seem to understand logistics of dating at older age. I am 49, nice looking and fairly social yet it isn't always easy to find a decent man. I am dating someone now and she says in order to not get involved with wrong man I should date more than one.

I told her that it is difficult to meet more than one decent man. She says you can meet them at parties. ?????what parties.

Then she says doesn't your brother have single friends? He us 47 and married with 3 kids all their friends are married couples etc

I asked her if she even understands how hard it is to meet single available nice people when you are getting older. And she is like oh I didn't know that. What the? I start getting so annoyed with her lately

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[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Myrto

Completely agree about online dating but there are no other ways to find lesbians in my experience, even though I live in a big European city, the "scene" isn't actually diverse. It's not my thing either. So I'm stuck with online dating.

I've tried explaining this to my therapist (the very small pool) and she's empathetic but she doesn't really get it I'm afraid. Sigh.


Like you, I feel bad and guilty and I've even pursued a sort of relationship with one woman just because I thought attraction would eventually arise.

Of course it didn't and I wasted both my time and hers.


Sometimes I wonder if this is an unconscious way for me to not be in a relationship? Even though I crave intimacy, I'm also afraid of being hurt and I get closed off pretty quickly (anxious avoidant). I don't know.

My t also told me I should be dating men regardless if attracted just go on dates. I understand few dates but I think it is unkind to keep going out with guys if I feel no connection. I told her id rather spend time with friends then.

She kept pushing. I ended up crying at last session as not only I can't find more than one man at the time but also I won't date guys I don't like! I can't do that!

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[ScarletPimpernel]

I'm a mess when it comes to attractions. I am emotionally attracted to women. I find women more physically attractive than men. But I'm only sexually attracted to men....

My dating experiences have been sad. I have very low self-esteem, so I don't think anyone I would be attracted to would want me. When I dated online, I actually rejected all the guys I was attracted to because I didn't want them to reject me. I mean, who would want an overweight girl with a ton of baggage??? So I dated people I thought was more my level? And even that failed.

Actually, how I wound up with my fiance is pathetic. We had a great date, but I didn't feel a connection. We had sex anyways. I was going to end it the next day, but instead he calls me and ends it. That set off my fear of rejection, so I begged him to take me back. How messed up is that?

So even though I can't relate to having no attraction, I can relate to having some "quirks" when it comes to dating.