[SoupDragon]

We have had a rough road and I had started to think maybe therapy was helping me.

Yesterday I had to email about needing to change my appointment. I felt completely OK about it. There was no big crisis, I didn't need anything from T at that point.

But back down that slippery slope of my reaction to not having a response from T. This was happening a lot previously and I stopped emailing and therefore didn't have these swings.

I felt OK yesterday, but today I can hardly contain myself. It is literally driving me insane.

I'm trying all the strategies I know, but they are not working. I so hate when I get like this. I have never told me T and know that I just can't, it feels too frightening, I have no idea why, but it just does.

I am wondering about transference stuff, being ignored was a familiar thing for me as a child, but at the moment I don't see the point into entering into a therapeutic relationship, that just gives me those same experiences.

I have just been for a long walk with my ipod and felt more peaceful.

But my question now is why on earth am I putting myself through this, yes back with the I quit mentality, I guess right now I have lost faith in the process.

I think your hurt at not getting a response, is human. That's not therapy failing, that's an untheraputic action from your T.

A very insightful and supportive member of PC said this on another thread: "I think we can often learn more through staying than through running away from it. " (Quote from SoupDragon)

I'm with SoupDragon's wise advice. I hope you stick it out a bit longer.

[SoupDragon]

Thank-you Mouse. I have just written a letter to me T saying that I will not be coming anymore. I know my T has always told me to keep coming and how important it is to end "properly", but I do not feel in a place where I can end things properly. I know I am not fixed and have more work to do, but right now I am tired of being what I feel is a difficult client and I am trying to reflect before sending the letter. I know for me there will be no going back after I send and am trying to untangle my head to make sure that I am doing the right thing.

Many T's don't allow email between sessions and I know that in the past I have been allowed to and had fairly quick responses, I get that it is better to talk in sessions rather than emailing, but I just can't deal with the feeling of being ignored or unimportant.

Ergh, I hate this place in my head.

Perhaps your T doesn't know herself the best way to deal with email exchange.
Perhaps she too struggles with not replying.
I say this not for one upmanship, but my T knows how to balance replying without turning it into an online session. She understands how to balance it.
Perhaps your T just doesn't and it's not you that she choose to 'ignore' but just simple lacks the knowledge and how to reply and keep the line steady?

Until you jump to the conclusion that your T didn't respond because you are a bother, you might find out if there was some reason for not responding first. You know there may be some logical reason she didn't respond that has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with something else, so it might be important to check your facts first.

You used to have a very predictable pattern of wanting to quit therapy. It used to be about once a month. I haven't been aware that pattern has been going on lately, but is this a return to that pattern? Or are you really wanting to end therapy or go to a different therapist? Just think it through is all I'm saying.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by Jaybird57

A very insightful and supportive member of PC said this on another thread: "I think we can often learn more through staying than through running away from it. " (Quote from SoupDragon)

I'm with SoupDragon's wise advice. I hope you stick it out a bit longer.

Hi Jaybird, good point! see my head knows all the theory, but I feel totally paralysed by this overwhelm at the moment.

I am sitting here on the internet researching other T's and find myself so picky when reading their websites - spelling mistakes mostly - am I being shallow or am I picking up on lack of attention to detail which I perceive will be transferred to me and they will not notice me, or miss things?

You are right of course, we can learn more from staying than running, but I just can't bear feeling like this until I see my T next.

[unaluna]

Im confused. I would probably call and text and email if i had to change an appointment. It wouldnt be something i would feel ignored over? Its just info i need to get to my t asap.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

You used to have a very predictable pattern of wanting to quit therapy. It used to be about once a month. I haven't been aware that pattern has been going on lately, but is this a return to that pattern? Or are you really wanting to end therapy or go to a different therapist? Just think it through is all I'm saying.

Ha ha, yes you are right I did, was it as frequent as once per month?

Boundaries got changed which stopped my escape strategies and I haven't sent an I quit email for about a year. How do I untangle whether this is that pattern again or whether I need to listen to how I feel right now.

And Hankster I completely agree with you, I am totally confused about my reaction to this - I was absolutely fine yesterday, went to work and had a good day, felt calm and cool about everything. I am not sure what happened overnight, but I have been totally paralysed for most of today and still can't beat JD's high score in Mahjong Connect in the arcade

[ragsnfeathers]

I would be worrying about whether the T got my email and knew that I changed the appointment and, without acknowledgement, when my next appointment actually was.

FYI: A few years ago ex T emailed me about something administrative (changing the appointment time or something) and I never received the email, either in my inbox or in spam. There is a small possibility this happened.

[guilloche]

(((Soup Dragon)))

We've bumped into each other in a few other threads, so you know, I find therapy extremely ridiculously hard too, and am about ready to quit as well. (Ha - and since misery loves company, I kind of want to run around telling everyone else to quit - I have to watch that, maybe it's projection? )

Am I understanding correctly - you emailed your T a simple request to change your appointment, and she didn't respond, and that's what's making you feel bad?

I feel really awful too when my T doesn't respond to emails. To the point that I just do not email him, unless it's something like administrative, like schedule changes. There's just no point in putting myself through that!

But in this case, I can't understand why she wouldn't respond? There was nothing else in your email, right? This is administrative, and she *should* respond so that you guys can get your schedules straightened out. There's not really a good (therapeutic) reason for her not to respond (it's not something you really need to "sit with your feelings" about! )

So, that makes me wonder, like others have mentioned, if something could have happened. Sometimes emails don't make it through to the recipient (weird, I know, but true!). Sometimes people see them but can't respond right away, and then they get buried by other emails. Sometimes people have emergencies, or their computers break, or something else happens so that they can't get to their emails.

How long has it been since you sent it? Is it urgent (i.e. rescheduling your next appointment, versus one in a couple weeks)?

If it's urgent, and it's been more than a few days, could you resend it? What I do is... go to my "Sent" folder, forward the message that I sent to the person, then add a note at the top saying something like, "I'm not sure if this made it through and I haven't received a response from you, so I'm resending. Is it possible to reschedule next week's meeting? My boss is sending me to Timbuktu, and I won't be in the country on Thursday. Thanks!"

Good luck, and try to hang in there... this seems like a very "fixable" thing. Not to say it doesn't hurt, I think anytime it feels like someone we like/need/count on/care about doesn't respond - it feels like we're being ignored and *hurts*.

But hopefully it was an honest mistake on the part of your T!

[ThisWayOut]

something you said about the transference struck me... you mentioned growing up feeling ignored. I would say that is being activated with this lack of immediate response from T. Chances are, she missed the email or has not had a chance to respond. As someone else stated, there's no therapeutic value to her "not engaging" in this email exchange, since it's a logistical matter.
Can you either try her again (perhaps leave a message instead of email), or wait some more for a response?
I would also bring this up with T at the next appointment...

[SoupDragon]

Thanks for your replies.

I know the "adult" thing to do, is to be cool about this, as you suggest send T a reminder, maybe they missed it, too busy, etc. That T is probably not prioritising replying because they have other stuff going on and I will get a reply in good time (the next session was supposed to be in 4 days time).

But what I am sitting with just now, is if this is something that is being triggered from my childhood, why can't I conclude that this is just not helping me and quit. If my interactions with T are feeling confusing and at this point feel damaging, what is the point in continuing? How is continuing going to help this issue?

I am also wondering if my feelings are in response to something that was said in session this week, that if I am struggling (we talked about some heavyish stuff) that T would be around and would respond to any emails asap. What if this email wasn't just a rescheduling one, what if I was needing support? To wait like this would be torturous.

Are insecure attachment issues (someone once said this is what I am) cured by putting the client in the position where they feel really insecure and to discover that it is no big deal, nothing will happen, T will still be there eventually, or is it about re-living that childhood with a T and having real consistency, solid support, "re-parenting" until that development has been re-booted.

Maybe I am expecting the impossible, but I am wondering whether my life would be better, just working (I usually function OK in that area of my life), being with my dogs and not looking for deeper relationships with anyone.

When do we say this is as good as it is going to get?

I really still do not understand my (over) reaction to this. I can sit with it, but I certainly am not enjoying feeling it.

I have been in relationships in the past, which were abusive but I stayed in them, part of me is wondering if I am just repeating that pattern or is that also transference? Ahhh! So confused right now.