[Yearning0723]

I think she's right, and I've thought for awhile now that I really like her as person, but I haven't been getting even a little bit better in over a year of therapy and sometimes I have considered that a more experienced therapist might be better suited to my needs. And most of all, I think a T saying that she doesn't have confidence in her own ability to meet my needs is a deal breaker for me, because how can I have confidence in her if she doesn't have confidence in herself?

But I'm sad. I've lost way too many people lately, and she was the last person in my life I thought I could trust, and starting over just seems so overwhelming. I thought about taking a break from therapy altogether, and I discussed it with T, but she thinks I really need some therapy right now to get myself stabilized, and if it's going to take a long time for them to get to know me enough to help me anyway, it's better to start now rather than later. I know that this is the right thing, and T didn't actually say she was terminating me, but I know we need to anyway...we have a session booked for Monday that will probably be our last session and I will just miss her a lot...

And it also feels sort of like she's telling me my needs are too big. I know it's not that; it's that her skills/experience are too limited, but at the same time, she is the seventh therapist I've seen in twelve years (including a family therapist, a therapist to help me with my ED, and one that I saw when I was eight who I sometimes forget to count). So it feels like my needs ARE too big, because it's been so many years of therapy and I haven't gotten much better; in many ways I've gotten worse. And because T realized she couldn't handle me just because of the situation with taking too many pills...I feel like I failed and I just screwed everything up once again.

It's just like a flashback with my old T telling me she couldn't handle me either, or various mother figures in my life (including my real mother) saying the same thing. I know it's NOT the same thing, because I know for awhile I'd been wondering if the fit was "just right," but just because it's happening right now and because T brought it up herself, it feels like I screwed up so bad...and I feel so alone, because literally T is the last person left in my life who understands me, and now she's gone too.

I've found some Ts with a lot more experience and I'm going to contact them and ask for a consult...I am just so tired and not sure I have the energy to do this all over again...and maybe a new T wouldn't help either...maybe I'm just too messed up. And I will miss current T so much too...

On a practical note, though, does anyone have a list of questions to ask potential new Ts? I have a few already, but more would be helpful. Also, things I should let them know in the first session, other than basically the issues I have? Should I tell them that my past few Ts all decided that my needs were too big for them, or is that like jinxing myself?

[Apathy123]

I know moving on from a t can be tough but I'm proud of you for recognizing you might need to meet with someone different. You can always remember your current T. I still miss my T from 2 years ago and think about her sometimes.

[ThisWayOut]

I'm sorry it's happened again. It can be so hard to hear, especially when the consequences of hearing that triggers old wounds.
I'm glad she admited it though... It sucks a lot to go through rupture after rupture just to find that you and T should have parted ways long ago. :/
I know you had said you think Monday will be it, but can T carry you through until you find a new T? That way you guys can terminate and she can support you in the search... just a thought.
All the questions I ask in first session tend to be specific to my issues (ex: how do they handle self-harm & chronic suicidal ideation, how available are they, what are the specific bounds of confidentiality arund sh & si... that kind of stuff). It might be beneficial to mention that you have switched T's often because their expertise was not sufficient, but maybe if you can get a better idea from T what prompted her decision, you could ask specifically how they feel they could work with a client who presents as "x"...?
Good luck in your search. Switching T's is always so hard.

[Yearning0723]

I will probably have decided on a new T within the next week or two...I sent out emails to four potential Ts asking for consults, and they usually schedule within the week. Part of me wants to keep seeing my current T until I get comfortable with the new T, just because I appreciate all the care and support and empathy that I get from my current T and I really need that right now, and I think a new T won't know me well enough to provide it in the same way...but it's not really fair to current T (or the new one) to keep seeing her just to get some empathy and active listening when I know I'm going to stop seeing her soon...I think one or very possibly two more sessions to terminate amicably is probably the right thing to do, even if it's hard. More than that might just make it harder to leave.

[Yearning0723]

It feels like I'm back in the same place I was a year ago when my previous T terminated with me and I was so sad, it hurt for months after...and this is why I hate getting attached to Ts. It just makes it harder to leave...even when you know leaving is the right thing for both of you...

would you consider seeing another T?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Annaflower

would you consider seeing another T?

He just said in a previous post that he is sending emails to potential new therapists

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by divine1966

He just said in a previous post that he is sending emails to potential new therapists

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Yes, I emailed four different ones and booked consult #1 for early next week. I hate consults, but I'm going to suck it up...

[lostwonder]

I can only imagine how badly this hurts. Blessing in disguise?

[QUOTE=Yearning0723;4400552]I think she's right, and I've thought for awhile now that I really like her as person, but I haven't been getting even a little bit better in over a year of therapy and sometimes I have considered that a more experienced therapist might be better suited to my needs. And most of all, I think a T saying that she doesn't have confidence in her own ability to meet my needs is a deal breaker for me, because how can I have confidence in her if she doesn't have confidence in herself?

But I'm sad. I've lost way too many people lately, and she was the last person in my life I thought I could trust, and starting over just seems so overwhelming. I thought about taking a break from.............

How upsetting. Can u use her as a check-in T until u find another? Can she recommend a T? She seems to know what u need perhaps she can give u a couple names of Ts who have the skills. That way all u would have to decide is which one u can best work with. I had a T do that when she had to close her practice. I gave them permission to talk together so new T could have a heads up. It wasn't like a cold call when I first went in. He knew some of my history. She seems to really want you to get better. A question for new T: how many clients w my dx have u worked with? Hoping u can make a fast, smooth transition.

[Yearning0723]

[QUOTE=cavaliers;4401676]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

I think she's right, and I've thought for awhile now that I really like her as person, but I haven't been getting even a little bit better in over a year of therapy and sometimes I have considered that a more experienced therapist might be better suited to my needs. And most of all, I think a T saying that she doesn't have confidence in her own ability to meet my needs is a deal breaker for me, because how can I have confidence in her if she doesn't have confidence in herself?

But I'm sad. I've lost way too many people lately, and she was the last person in my life I thought I could trust, and starting over just seems so overwhelming. I thought about taking a break from.............

How upsetting. Can u use her as a check-in T until u find another? Can she recommend a T? She seems to know what u need perhaps she can give u a couple names of Ts who have the skills. That way all u would have to decide is which one u can best work with. I had a T do that when she had to close her practice. I gave them permission to talk together so new T could have a heads up. It wasn't like a cold call when I first went in. He knew some of my history. She seems to really want you to get better. A question for new T: how many clients w my dx have u worked with? Hoping u can make a fast, smooth transition.

I've already emailed some Ts and have two consults lined up...but now I'm not so sure...I just saw pdoc (who incidentally gave me more sleeping pills, thought I was mad at him because the other sleeping pills hadn't worked, which I wasn't, and told me how sad it made him when his patients overdosed on pills he had just prescribed). Pdoc thinks T and I have a really good relationship and that this is something we can work through. He said he would talk to her about it. I think I want to work through this if we can instead of switching Ts, but I don't know if that's because I know staying with this T is the right thing to do or if I just don't want to lose her like I've lost everyone else...maybe I will do the consults and see if I really click with anyone and then decide? When I stopped seeing my previous T, I felt really good about current T during the consult...I just don't know now. Pdoc seems really confident in my ability to work things out with T...but how can I work with someone who isn't confident they can work well with me?

[rainbow8]

It seems a little odd that your pdoc would support your continuing with a T who stated that she doesn't have the skills to help you anymore. I would definitely see the potential new Ts and see how they plan to treat you. I would tell them what your T said, and ask if they believe have the skills/knowledge to help you now. Then you can make your decision. It also depends on what your current T decides and what she is willing and able to do differently. Good luck. I'm sorry this is such a difficult time for you.

[Yearning0723]

[QUOTE=cavaliers;4401676]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

I think she's right, and I've thought for awhile now that I really like her as person, but I haven't been getting even a little bit better in over a year of therapy and sometimes I have considered that a more experienced therapist might be better suited to my needs. And most of all, I think a T saying that she doesn't have confidence in her own ability to meet my needs is a deal breaker for me, because how can I have confidence in her if she doesn't have confidence in herself?

But I'm sad. I've lost way too many people lately, and she was the last person in my life I thought I could trust, and starting over just seems so overwhelming. I thought about taking a break from.............

How upsetting. Can u use her as a check-in T until u find another? Can she recommend a T? She seems to know what u need perhaps she can give u a couple names of Ts who have the skills. That way all u would have to decide is which one u can best work with. I had a T do that when she had to close her practice. I gave them permission to talk together so new T could have a heads up. It wasn't like a cold call when I first went in. He knew some of my history. She seems to really want you to get better. A question for new T: how many clients w my dx have u worked with? Hoping u can make a fast, smooth transition.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

It seems a little odd that your pdoc would support your continuing with a T who stated that she doesn't have the skills to help you anymore. I would definitely see the potential new Ts and see how they plan to treat you. I would tell them what your T said, and ask if they believe have the skills/knowledge to help you now. Then you can make your decision. It also depends on what your current T decides and what she is willing and able to do differently. Good luck. I'm sorry this is such a difficult time for you.

I think it's because current T and pdoc have spoken and they think quite highly of each other. Also, T and I DO have a very good relationship.

Also, funnily enough, current T thinks I need DBT, and former T did too. Except I don't know how seriously I should take either of them, since former T was fairly obsessed with DBT (she was training in it) and current T's reasoning for recommending a DBT therapist is that a therapist who specializes in DBT will have a higher threshold for what kind of self-harm they take seriously enough to call 911 (I have never self-harmed before in my life). I asked pdoc if he thought DBT would be good for me. He said he didn't think so, but if at some point I feel like it might be, he can refer me to the DBT group at my school, but he didn't think that's what I need right now. I hate getting contradictory advice from people I trust.

Sounds like a plan. U may c another T + be impressed + want to work w them. Hope so. Let us know.

[unaluna]

I thought your current t was a good match too when you first found her. Somehow you just got lost over the past year. If you go to another t, i guess you wouldnt have to talk about what happened. But it sounds like there was some kind of rupture or something that your pdoc thinks the two of you need to process together. Instead of just writing each other off and acting out whatever it was again.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by hankster

I thought your current t was a good match too when you first found her. Somehow you just got lost over the past year. If you go to another t, i guess you wouldnt have to talk about what happened. But it sounds like there was some kind of rupture or something that your pdoc thinks the two of you need to process together. Instead of just writing each other off and acting out whatever it was again.

I would very much like to work through this, or at least process it...it just feels like she's not willing to consider how to help me feel safe in that relationship again, and if she isn't willing to even consider it, then I don't know how to deal with that...I can't be in a relationship where I feel unsafe (even if that feeling of not being safe is irrational). I think she was and probably still is, in some ways, a really good fit for me...she was definitely exactly what I needed a year ago, and probably still is now, in a lot of ways. I think the incident that happened with the meds just scared her a lot so SHE isn't sure she can cope with that kind of thing and maybe that's just her boundary or something she's not comfortable with. I don't know.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

I will probably have decided on a new T within the next week or two...I sent out emails to four potential Ts asking for consults, and they usually schedule within the week. Part of me wants to keep seeing my current T until I get comfortable with the new T, just because I appreciate all the care and support and empathy that I get from my current T and I really need that right now, and I think a new T won't know me well enough to provide it in the same way...but it's not really fair to current T (or the new one) to keep seeing her just to get some empathy and active listening when I know I'm going to stop seeing her soon...I think one or very possibly two more sessions to terminate amicably is probably the right thing to do, even if it's hard. More than that might just make it harder to leave.

Sorry you are facing this. It is hard. I would do as many more sessions as you need to feel grounded enough to leave.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

On a practical note, though, does anyone have a list of questions to ask potential new Ts? I have a few already, but more would be helpful. Also, things I should let them know in the first session, other than basically the issues I have? Should I tell them that my past few Ts all decided that my needs were too big for them, or is that like jinxing myself?

Here's some questions I came up with for myself:

How will you help, what is your specific plan, method, etc?
What exactly is your role?
What is your emotional involvement style?
What is your approach to reviewing previous therapy experiences, especially negative or problematic ones?
Position on psych meds (for me a general barometer)?
How many sessions before determining if it's good fit?

[ScarletPimpernel]

I told my new T that my ex-T's excuse for termination was lack of experience. I asked her about working with people with BPD (not saying that's your diagnosis, but what my ex-T said she lacked experience in). My new T reassured me that she has worked with a full range of people with BPD. But she is very concerned about the SI and SUI. I can understand though. She's not a full DBT T who gives 24/7 access, she's only part time T. So she just wants to make sure I'm safe even when she's not available.

Some questions you might want to ask new T are about termination, processing current termination, boundaries, out-of-session contact, and a crisis plan.