[justdesserts]

I hear a lot about being attached to our therapists, but I wonder what that means. Do our therapists become attached to us, too? What is the difference between attachment and caring?

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by justdesserts

I hear a lot about being attached to our therapists, but I wonder what that means. Do our therapists become attached to us, too? What is the difference between attachment and caring?

I think Ts do get attached to us too. I think attachment has a more negative connotation, at least in this forum, than caring, but attachment means that you feel close to a person. It's a good thing unless you get overly attached, which could mean that you're neglecting your real life relationships.

Caring about someone seems to me to be always positive. My T has told me she cares deeply for me but I don't think she would say she feels attached to me. There are attachment styles; you can find information about them online. The goal would be to have a secure attachment to your T rather than an insecure one. In that use of the term, attachment is positive.

I'm sure you'll get more explanations, probably better than mine.

[stopdog]

When that first one was trying to get me to be all attached to her, she kept saying it would be a good thing if I did. She would never explain the reasoning behind such an outrageous suggestion. And while I suppose it not impossible for a therapist to become attached to clients - it sounds horrible to me if it were to happen. I seriously doubt either of the ones I see are attached to me. I can not imagine why they would do such a thing.

[rainbow8]

stopdog, just wondering. Do you feel the same way about a T caring about you, that it would be horrible? Or feel connected to you? My T said we all need to feel connected to others and she feels connected to me. Now I'm wondering about the difference between being attached and being connected.

We get attached to many things in life. It's how that attachment makes us feel that us important.
I have no problem to feeling attached. It's part of living. Well unless you are a psychopath I guess.
It's not a show of strengh to deny attachment, that us a weakness. A wound.
I am secure enough within me to allow myself to acknowledge my attachments.

[Coco3]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I think Ts do get attached to us too. I think attachment has a more negative connotation, at least in this forum, than caring, but attachment means that you feel close to a person. It's a good thing unless you get overly attached, which could mean that you're neglecting your real life relationships.

Caring about someone seems to me to be always positive. My T has told me she cares deeply for me but I don't think she would say she feels attached to me. There are attachment styles; you can find information about them online. The goal would be to have a secure attachment to your T rather than an insecure one. In that use of the term, attachment is positive.

I'm sure you'll get more explanations, probably better than mine.

I think that is a very good explanation Rainbow8.

I think so too that therapists can get attached to their clients. It could be because they treat them for a long time, because there's a click, because they're moved or touched (emotionally, not fysically) by them.

They won't be attached to every one of them, but I think they care for every client. I think a T has to care to make therapy work. It's in their nature to want to help people, that's why they became therapists. They see our struggle, they hear our shocking and painful stories. I think it's only human to start caring in that kind of situation.

My T gave me a long hug at the end of our final session. It was the one and only time we hugged. He didn't pull back after a while, in fact, it was him who squeezed me tighter and held on for another while. I loved it and I felt loved by him. I don't know if he's attached to me, but based on that hug, I think he at least really appreciates me and maybe it was hard for him as well to say goodbye. I don't think he only did that for me. Long hugs are a two way street.

Until I came on the forum, I had never heard the word "attachment" in the therapy-sense, and it had never come up in any form in any of my therapy. In this forum, people seem to hate it, fear it, love it, avoid it, long for it, etc. It kind of baffles me because for me, attachment it just what a person does when they get to know someone and care about them. Completely natural. Completely harmless. It doesn't scare me.

It's just relationships as far as I'm concerned.

So, yes, relationships come and go. Relationships have their ups and down. Relationships have their good days and bad days. People can get hurt in relationships, can find great joy, can learn about themselves, can grow.

Relationships have specific purposes that vary from type to type. I know if I try to force the wrong kind of relationship role onto a relationship, it's like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Good relationships have respectful and have appropriate boundaries tailored to that relationship.

Relationships will end, and endings can be painful, but I've learned that I can survive endings and find new beginnings.

Attachment isn't something I fear or hate or avoid. It is just the relationships I have with people I care about. The alternative to attachment is being alone (perhaps in the figurative sense); I prefer to be with people and experience the relationships I encounter as I accept that this "attachment" thing, while sometimes messy and occasionally painful and always limited in purpose and time, is worth the life experience.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

stopdog, just wondering. Do you feel the same way about a T caring about you, that it would be horrible? Or feel connected to you? My T said we all need to feel connected to others and she feels connected to me. Now I'm wondering about the difference between being attached and being connected.

I am not big on a therapist caring at me. If they can do it and keep it to themselves, have at it. I doubt either of the ones I see now care, and I don't know what caring one way or the other would have to do with why I go. I feel no connection to the therapist. I do not see the point. I doubt they are connected to me -I have not seen it if they are. I am not connected or attached to the dentist or electrician or plumber I hire either. Therapists, for me, are just people I hire for a specific purpose- like the dentist and so on. Therapists are not part of my actual life.
In my real life, connection and attachment are both there and is fine. I do think there is a difference between attachment and connection.

[Creamsickle]

Attachment may mean a kind of closeness, reliance upon, need for...
Caring, a genuine feeling of concern for another individual's well being.

I think both can be had by the T for the client and vice versa. I know I am attached and care very much for my T. We've been together a long time and have shared a lot of pain.

[NowhereUSA]

I mean it in the regular everyday sense. I mean, I'm attached to my friends, for example, and they're attached to me.

I think people here sometimes mean it in a different way.

I'm attached to my T and I know he's attached to me. That only has a negative thing because in recent years, I've preferred to not be attached to people. I have isolation issues :P

So it's not the actual attachment that bothers me per se. It's just being attached to people in general. But I have a crazy life so. That's why I'm in therapy

[PinkFlamingo99]

I kind of feel like "support" is the only benefit of therapy I believe in. Beyond that I do kind of consider it pseudoscience. I think that for the "support" to actually benefit you need a real connection and that means attachment (I don't beloeve in transference either). The problem is that, I know for me, I am vulnerable, and get hurt very easily... So I feel like attachment is bad.

[rainbow8]

I still don't understand how attachment can be a choice. I didn't consciously choose to become attached to all of my Ts. It just happened and I have to live with the positives and negatives of the attachment. Thinking back, as a child I didn't attach to a lot of people because I had selective mutism. Again, it wasn't a conscious choice. My T says I have attachment difficulties and that the way I attach to her indicates how it was for me throughout my life.

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Relationships have specific purposes that vary from type to type. I know if I try to force the wrong kind of relationship role onto a relationship, it's like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Good relationships have respectful and have appropriate boundaries tailored to that relationship.

[stopdog]

I don't think the ones I see are particularly supportive in any way. Not that I recognize at any rate and it is not something I desire from them. The one does stay back so I say things there I don't tell others. I tell the second one things that the first is terrible with.

[divine1966]

I think there has to be amount of caring in any type of job that deal with people and not machinery. I care about kids or I can't imagine doing my job at all! I would assume good therapists do care of their clients well being. It doesn't imply attachment though, one can care and not be attached

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Caring doesn't really mean much. I care about people I see in news stories, but it means nothing to them. It doesn't do them any good at all.

I'm not really sure attachment means much either and it means different things to different people.

[ScarletPimpernel]

The problem with caring, connection, and attachment is that there's different levels and each person has their own definition. Same with defining love.

So from my understanding:

Caring is sympathy, empathy, kindness, doing something positive for the other person. But there's different levels. The way I care about my dogs is different from my fiance, is different from my family, is different from people here, etc. I guess it's more effort towards doing positive things? Idk.

Connection is being able to relate to another and a feeling of belonging? You can have it on a small level when you meet someone who has something in common with you. On a deeper level, you feel like this person has a place in your life. It can be a feeling that you've known this person your whole life even if you've only known them a little while.

Attachment is an emotional bond. In the negative aspect, attachment is clingy, needy, and dependent. In the positive aspect, healthy attachment is more like an interdependent relationship. You are each your own independent person, but when you come together, you have a strong emotional bond/connection. Just attachment can be one sided.

Then there's transference. That is when you see and treat someone like someone else from your present or past. It can be negative or positive.

[magicalprince]

T and I are definitely mutually attached and we have recognized that.

[Partless]

Attachment does not mean dependence. Attachment is good, it is connection, it means you emotionally open to the other person. It is necessary for emotional and more lasting change in how we relate to people in general. Sometimes attachment becomes dependence and we can't get out of it and that's when it starts becoming troublesome.

I used to believe that attachment was something positive. Then I found PC

[always_wondering]

The definition of attachment to me means I cannot let go. I feel connected to my T as I do with some others, but the huge difference is I do not miss the others as much as I miss my T when I have not seen him in awhile. If it's been a few weeks, the longing is painful.

Attachment can be negative or positive I think.

Aren't we attached to this forum???

I just find it odd that All the people who deny needing attachments.or even having one, Post in a forum that they obviously have an attachment too.
I suggest, get some therapy lol.

Originally Posted by _Mouse

I just find it odd that All the people who deny needing attachments.or even having one, Post in a forum that they obviously have an attachment too.
I suggest, get some therapy lol.

. . . I know you are saying this tongue-in-cheek (sort of), but attachment is not the only reason people might need or desire therapy, nor are attachment issues the only reason someone might read and post on a forum about psychotherapy. . .