[ErinBear]

Hi,

I saw the therapist yesterday. I brought up concerns again, and tried to figure out ways to make the working relationship seem safer when we have a meeting. I tried to figure things out for making things safer and better. He doesn't really like to talk about issues that are difficult within the working relationship, it seems, and changes the subject. It doesn't seem okay to talk about them. It doesn't seem okay to talk about much of anything. I feel very discouraged.

I see him again today and I guess the best idea I have is either to take a long break in the working relationship or just stop. I wish I had better ideas of what to do.

It is very hard to try to talk with people and trust people and even bring up problems when they occur. It is hard to try to talk aloud. So many things are difficult. It seems like it is better to never even open one's mouth, to remember to keep one's mouth shut 100% of the time. To remember that I am nothing and nobody and I do not exist. That I am not here. I should not be on the planet, never should have been on the planet in the first place, and I am a mistake. I am wrong, I am bad, I am stupid. stupid stupid stupid stupid

Take care,
ErinBear

[Perna]

ErinBear, there are no guarantees :-( You can't make talking to another person "seem safer" you have to experience it and see whether it is safe or not within yourself. The poor therapist can't help you there, can't let you tie him up and limit who he "is."

Start out a little less difficult? Talk about easier things for a bit before you talk about what scares you. If he asks a scary question, think about it and say something like, "that's too scary for me to talk about right now."

I don't think your therapist was not liking talking about the therapy relationship issues but you can't set up a relationship "in advance." You have to have a relationship and mold it as you go along. I think he may just feel you're trying to cross bridges before you get to them?

I don't think you're stupid or must shut up or anything. Tell your therapist next time that you feel his redirecting the conversation implies you're wrong/bad/mustn't talk about those subjects that worry you. The situation reminds me a little of Microsoft Windows and how one can rearrange one's desktop all day, get different colors, resolution, backgrounds, screen savers, etc. all day long without cracking open Word or Excel and actually getting any work done :-)

[ErinBear]

Thanks, Perna. I appreciate your input. Yes, I know he is his own person and such, as we all are. Of course that is true. I also think within the context of a working relationship, we can talk together about difficulties once in awhile as they arise (hopefully) and at least talk about them together, and sometimes make adjustments as necessary. This doesn't seem to be okay in this context.

I have indeed talked about what issues and subjects are too scary, and what things are not working out okay. I have brought up ways I wish we could work/talk otherwise. He feels strongly about following his own path of working, which has safety ramifications for me, both in and out of session. He doesn't want to adapt his course of working and feels strongly about following his own therapy path.

Thanks for your input.

Take care,
ErinBear

Erin, I took felt I shouldn't be on this planet. Especially as I was given away at birth a "mistake" but I have to find my own reasons for being here within myself. I remember my T once trying to help me with this and out of desparation she said "ok why that sperm, that egg?" you know when I think about it like that it seems that I am indeed a "winner" a "survivor" I don't know why my life was like it was,, but I know it is mine, it made me who I am today. SOmeone I use to detest, but I believe my journey can be used to help others. It is helping me raise my kids much better then if I had had a "cosy" life.

[Perna]

ErinBear, thanks for explaining your situation more. I felt what I think you are describing, that "my" way would be better and came up against my T wanting "her" way. I was finally able to reconcile myself as she's done therapy with so many people before and kind of knows the route through the maze and how it's supposed to come out whereas I'd never done that. What path looked good from my perspective from within the maze might have been a dead end? I finally decided to go along and do things "her" way, even if they were longer and harder as I either had to trust that she knew what she was doing or why was I seeing her?

I finally thought of my T as my "guide" and we having a disagreement and I could either let her continue to guide me or I could go it alone. I liked the companionship and she hadn't led me wrong yet :-) so I took her route. It didn't make as much sense to take my route as she wouldn't know that one so what would be her purpose?

It reminds me of my husband and me and taking out the trash :-) He use to not do it enough to suit me and I'd get bent out of shape but then I would remember living alone when I was on my own and "poor". So, I could either live alone living hand-to-mouth and take out the trash or I could live with the love of my life, have plenty/fewer worries, and take out the trash; my choice :-) A no-brainer!

[sunrise]

ErinBear, I'm really sorry for your difficulties in therapy. ((((hugs)))) It sounds like your T has one approach and it is not comfortable for you and he is not willing to try something else. I guess you can either try his/her way a while or seek a new therapist. He seems to have made it clear that what you want is not what he can provide, so you either have to bend or leave. In my therapy sessions, I have responsibility for what we talk about. All the topics and the direction are of my own choosing, because I know best what I need to heal. That can be challenging, but it is also empowering, and I am grateful my T has given me that responsibility.

Once I was having difficulty feeling safe in therapy and my T asked me "what would make it safer for you here?" He was certainly willing to help make things safer, if he could, so I could trust him. I remember the only thing I could come up with was to turn out some of the lights. I felt too exposed in the light of his office and felt more comfortable in dimmer light. He obliged and turned out some of the lights. We did this for a few sessions until I felt safe enough to tolerate the normal lights. We have to ask for what we need so that the T's have a chance to provide it. I'm sorry that you may not have this option available to you in therapy.

TC, EB.
sunny

((( Erinbear )))

Maybe it's time to look for a new T?

I know that's hard, given your travel limitations, but it doesn't sound like you'll get what you need if you stay with this new T.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( ErinBear )))))))))))))))

I agree with the flower......

It sounds to me like some of your last paragraph is OTHER PEOPLE's garbage and not yours! "to remember......"

You are not stupid, a nobody or any of those things. The abusers wanted you to think that

[ErinBear]

Dear Mouse,

Thank you so much for your note. It was so kind and brave to tell me about your experience. I'm glad you are on the planet, and I think you are definitely meant to be here! I'm sorry it felt otherwise at times through your history of adoption - I know that can be hard for so many people. I am thinking of you and sending caring thoughts your way....

Take care,
ErinBear

[ErinBear]

Hi Perna,

Thanks for your message. Yes, I've had that experience with counselors in the past, too, where I learned from sort of "going with the flow" in the process, and have seen valuable results with that. I had one particular counselor with whom that really turned out well, and we had an excellent working relationship. This relationship now is different, and I've come to realize that it's counterproductive in my case - I'm just the wrong match for this particular kind of therapy process. It might work for someone else, but for me, I am getting dramatically worse and am not safe working in this situation and dealing with it, in and out of sessions. I need to listen to that.

Thanks for your input, and for sharing. I appreciate it.

Take care,
ErinBear

[ErinBear]

Dear Sunrise,

Thank you for your note. I'm glad your T offers you the option of choosing the course of therapy, and the topics. This was the way things went with the main therapist I had in the past, and that seemed to be a good way for me to work in counseling/therapy. I think I did better in that sort of format somehow. I know everyone is different, and maybe other people do better when the therapist is choosing the topics, and doing most of the talking, and such. It can get confusing to me. I end up feeling like I'm disappearing. I think I might just be the wrong sort of person for that kind of working format.

I really appreciate your note - thanks a bunch - thanks, Sunrise.

Take care,
ErinBear

[ErinBear]

Dear Petunia,

Thanks...yes...not sure about looking for a new T yet....but stopping this relationship, yes. I think that is in order.

Thank you, flower friend.

Take care,
ErinBear

[ErinBear]

Thank you Fuzzybear....thank you....hard time here. Thank you for the kind words. I think it is hard to keep things straight in my head with this T, and I feel worse every time I go. I don't think it should be this way. Thanks for saying such kind things. Yes, you're right, those are things abuser people would say. I get mixed up.

(((((Fuzzybear)))))) thank you hugs, if okay

Take care,
ErinBear

[Perna]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
ErinBear said:
I'm just the wrong match for this particular kind of therapy process.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
You're the right size, it's the pants that don't fit! Turn it around; the therapy process has a problem, not YOU! It is supposed to help you, not you, it. If your therapist is blindly trying to apply something that doesn't fit you, that's the therapist at fault.

I hope you can find something you can afford and that works well for you, ErinBear.

Don't forget that we're here for you Erin.

[ErinBear]

Thanks Perna.

I appreciate it.

Take care,
ErinBear

[ErinBear]

Thank you, Petunia. This is hard. Hard time here. Thanks for listening.

((((Petunia)))) hugs if okay

Take care,
ErinBear