For me the connection with a T feels fundamental, the T needs to have relationship skills for this to happen. And the T needs to have some fundamental non judgemental attitude to life whereby they truly like people in general, are curious about them and consider that any way of being is ok. I think I put the curious bit in as my ex-T seemed to lack an interest in things I tried to say to her. I think she lacked this non judgemental attitude too, but I can't be sure.

I suppose knowledge of psychological theories is helpful too.

Any views?

[stopdog]

I think it is because they are paid to not care and to stay back. They don't get a stake in the client's life.

[JustShakey]

I think curiosity is fundamental. Who would want to listen to other people talk about themselves all day if they weren't curious about people in general

I don't necessarily think they are paid to not care. I think caring about people is what makes someone go into that field in the first place. But you know, I do agree somewhat that they are paid to stay back - I mean, in that they aren't supposed to come chasing after us when we take a break or whatever, and to keep "their stuff" out of the room, and to not get emotionally involved with clients. I only realize this now from the vantage point of being in the process of ending my therapy, of course. My t did a very good job of all of the above, at least while we were still doing therapy. Apparently lately she's been more of a mentor or life coach than a therapist, as I worked through getting ready to let her go. Sorry to get off track there. I think curiosity about what makes people tick is important too.

[feralkittymom]

Intelligence, empathy, self-awareness, and humility.

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

Intelligence, empathy, self-awareness, and humility.

Exactly!!

[NowhereUSA]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

Intelligence, empathy, self-awareness, and humility.

Yes!

I don't think they're paid not to care. My T cares about me in a very genuine way. It's not my job to take care of him though and so yes, his stuff is kept out of the room although it comes in at relevant times and because I'm nosy

Either way, I think what makes an ideal therapist are the characteristics above, plus training and accountability. My T has all of those. He's not perfect but six years in, he's demonstrated an competency in his field that leads me to trust him.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Remembering things you tell them. In a similar vein, remembering things they tell you and not changing that weekly. Not changing boundaries extremely much without explaining it.

My old pdoc used to call me the wrong name about half the time... It would be good if your therapist didn't do that because it was insulting even from a pdoc.

Ideally, honesty would be great.

[stopdog]

I have found a lot more intelligence in other people than I find in therapists. I also have others who have empathy, self awareness (or at least as much as I have ever found in a therapist) and humility in regular people in my life. For me the distinguishing characteristic for a therapist is the staying back part and the not caring part. Granted I like the not caring part - it is the thing that makes them reasonably not entirely unsafe.

Perceptiveness; Discernment; Adroitness; Compassion

[msjblonde]

I need my T to listen to me and actually hear what I'm saying, even if that means reading between the lines a bit. She is actually pretty good at this, annoyingly sometimes she catches things I don't particularly want her to.

I also need to learn to trust so I suppose she needs to prove that she is worthy of that trust somehow. Non judgemental and kind. I don't much care if people aren't kind to me but I like people who are generally kind to others, so I suppose it's quite important that she isn't a complete ahole in session

I echo what most have already said here. The most important quality for me is a willingness to learn and to try and understand. The relationship between this t and I has been very healing and through it I have become more integrated because I am learning to accept all of me and to begin to learn how to be more authentic by expressing what I really feel and not by keeping it in and punishing myself.
I like a t to be real and to share their experiences with me. She also can usually admit when she makes a mistake which is very important for my process. I like a t to have empathy but to be able to put that aside enough not to let their emotions lead their reactions.
It is important to me for a t to give me hope when all i can see is black and white.

I guess I'd never even formulated a thought about this before therapy. I had no idea.
Now I've been in therapy I can see just what it takes.
But, I still don't tend to drift toward thinking to much about it.
I'm more a 'nike' client - I just do it.

[justdesserts]

Empathy, boundaries, intelligence, patience, sense of humor, kindness and perseverance.

[stopdog]

I think I misunderstood this as being a question about what makes a therapist different from everyone else.

When I was writing the title I was going to put something after 'what makes a therapist....' but I couldn't find the right word. Perhaps it's an interesting question to think does a therapist behave differently to other people in the world (I'm not sure if that was the question you were thinking of SD), or do they behave differently as a therapist than they do in their daily life. I have a feeling that my ex-t was being her genuine self - speaking her thoughts out loud to me, sometimes it felt like a stream of consciousness, and she said that her relationships in life outside therapy were like her relationship with me. Unfortunately I found some of her thoughts hard to hear, and felt oppressed by therapy with her in general. I imagine that I would like my relationships in life to be relationships where each person says what they really think and feel more, but perhaps in practice they would be as painful as my relationship with her was?

[stopdog]

I actually hope the woman is different to real people in her life and I expect from what she has said and what someone I know who knows her has said. The ones I have known friends and the ones I have dated were different in real life than with clients from what I know about them. The second one I see has another profession going on too and she is quite a different personality in the second profession than when she is playing therapist.