[granite1]

kind of panicking already this morning. a lot went on with my last T session that I did not share here. it has left me with a lot of decisions I think I need to make . my T seems to think that everything is just fine with me .to the point im not sure she believes anything I say and really wants me to wrap things up with my T. it is hard to wrap my head around this one . she also was saying I need to work through the stuff that went on with my brother. why only my brother . she even touched on her thinking I have processed the abuse from the mother . I don't know why she would think that .I have not told her much of anything . im so darn confused . she is saying it is my decision about my brother that its my choice if I want to . so I don't get what she is saying . I don't think I can just talk to her about my brother . there is so much I cant do .I think she knows this. does she want me to decide between talking about this stuff or wrapping up my T . I guess I need to start deciding that this is as good as it gets

Is this related to her talking about the positive things you are doing in your life? Are you assuming that means she thinks you are all okay and don't need therapy? Or did she actually say the words you are okay and don't need therapy? I ask, because you are prone to misinterpretting her words into meanings that aren't there.

As I mentioned the last time you mentioned she seems to think your life is wonderful (or something along that line), all she seems to be doing is trying to help you give yourself credit for making positive changes in your life -- not actually saying you are all fixed and don't need therapy.

As far as working on the issues surrounding your brother, that sounds like a good plan. Again, I don't think she's saying you don't need to work on the rest, but that particular issue underlies a great deal of your negativity and guilt about yourself, so perhaps she see that as a fundamental issue to work on right now. But she's leaving you in the driver's seat about what you are ready to work on; she's always done that with you so you can have the control there.

I guess I'm not certain what you have posted is actually words she said, or if it is interpretations you made.

[granite1]

thanks for your thoughts chris . I think it is a mix of both words and interpretation . I don't remember her exact words. I know it is a lot of feelings but if I cant talk about this stuff . why be there . she does think that am ok and that I am doing a lot of good things . or she calls them normal . like the party had for my husband ,or the convention I worked at , or hanging with my crafty peeps . she refuses to see how stressed I am doing these things .even when I say it directly .it is like she doesn't believe me . or believes the extent that I feel that it is all fake and will crash soon because who can keep that pretense up forever .

[stopdog]

I never find their attempts at normalizing stuff to be useful, but I do think the therapist is trying to get you to see that your current life is something that you have created well - like you can give yourself credit for it despite your mother and how your mother told you you were horrible etc - so your current life is a sort of proof that you are not horrible and incompetent and useless etc. I don't think, from what you have posted, she is saying you don't need therapy or that you are just fine.

I did find being reminded of normality in my life helpful. It is easy to get caught up in the dysfunction and issues and depression and anxiety, and not be able to see the small steps in progress along the way. (The whole can't see the forest for the trees scenario.) My T was able to help me acknowledge that not everything in my life was horrible, I wasn't a total failure at life all the time, I wasn't completely stuck -- I was moving forward in small, measurable steps. That was helpful for me.

It didn't mean I was all fixed. It didn't mean I needed to stop therapy the moment I started a bit of forward movement. It just meant that I could acknowledge those small gains along the way, that life had its good moments, that I was finding ways to manage when I was completely unable to at previous moments along the way, that I wasn't as awful and weak and broken as I kept knocking myself down for.

I suspect that is all she is trying to do Granite. You are SO hard on yourself and I suspect she's hoping you'll find some mercy for yourself somewhere. It isn't as black and white as "T sees I do some 'normal' things; therefore, she must think I'm fine and don't need therapy anymore."

[unaluna]

I'm hearing guilt in there. That was a big thing holding me back in my life. Unfortunately. Cuz when it comes to the end of your life, i think you forget that guilt held you back, and just regret is left.

[pbutton]

I think asking her if she wants you to to decide between talking about this stuff or wrapping up your therapy would be an excellent place to start. Maybe have her write down her answer to that so you could look at it later?

[pbutton]

How did it go?

[granite1]

i think it went ok. im just having a bit of a trust issue. she started with she isn't going to be here next week . then I asked her if she wanted to read what I wrote about last weeks session. she said sure and as I was handing it to her she said "don't you want to read it instead" instant panic on my part and said no . I thought she was going to take the fact that she will read my journal away from me again ,I don't think im ready for that yet. but she said ok and took it and started to read it to her self. she asked me if she has said that she thought my life was perfect because she didn't think that was something she would say . she said that I have been doing well and that she understands that this is not how I am feeling at all. she said this comes from the fact that the internal me has not yet caught up to the external me . she didn't say anything about stopping therapy. I explained to her how I feel like it is all fake .a complete act .that all I am really doing is waiting for it all to fall apart .that it will and had done this in the past . she responded with complete conviction that this time it will not .. I don't trust her confidence in me. I know what is going on in my head. I asked her how long does she think that I would be able to handle walking in a room of people to do whatever I am doing ,teaching ,talking or just hanging out crafting, knowing that they all hate me. in my mind they all hate me on some level and are just being nice. I said over time I am going to tire of always feeling the shame of this and not pretend it isn't there. im going to tire of questioning everyone's motives.it is a lot to do over time. its very tiring. my T said something about blaming myself for my parents and hating myself and if I think it is possible to stop doing that at al . I told her not a chance. I was a horrible kid and did some horrible things. she talked about responsibility and how she agrees that at a certain age a person can take responsibility for there behavior but not a young child .(we were back to that argument) I feel that I was just born miserable and unhappy. she disagrees. at least she didn't argue with about these things as much as she usually does . she disagreed but listened more this time and seemed to hear how I am feeling a little better. she talked about maybe dealing with my level of self hate in therapy. I don't know what that means and I don't know how you do that . my feelings about myself have been there for a long time and I don't think are going to change very easily if at all. I don't know if she is aware of how ingrained in me these feelings are