[Yearning0723]

When I started seeing my new T, I asked her if I could record our first few sessions because I thought it might help me process things better and have a better sense of whether we're on the right track or not. I was transcribing our first session today and I think I figured out why it doesn't feel quite "right." It's because she tends to...not exactly interrupt me, but jump in before I'm finished my thought to say things like "wow" or "uh huh" and then paraphrase/reflect what I was saying. But when I was reading back the transcript of our session and listening again to the recording, I realized I couldn't tell if she actually understood what I was saying or if she was just repeating things back to me.

For example, I was telling her about my friend who took a lot of money from me, and when I said, "When I stopped talking to her, a lot of my anxiety just went away and I felt calmer and more centred," she said, "Yeah, like it was situational," or when I was saying, "Everyone is drawn to her and thinks there's something so special about her, and I did too," she said, "Yeah, sounds like she has that affect on people." Or when I said, "I brought my other best friend to be with me at that point because I just needed someone with me to support me," she said, "Yeah, on your side." And part of me is confused as to why this bothers me, because I think it's a pretty normal thing to do...I think it possibly just reminds me of a previous T I had who I didn't really "click" with and who I just felt was parroting things back to me in slightly different words.

My current T occasionally does this, but she says lots of other things too, and she usually waits for me to finish what I'm saying before she starts talking, and when I'm talking the only thing she tends to do is say things like, "Mm hm," or "Aw," or whatever...not like long sentences just reflecting back what she just heard. I know this is a common therapist technique, but I already know that "my anxiety went down when I stopped talking to her" = "my anxiety is situational," and it just feels odd to hear it back and like maybe she's repeating but not understanding so much.

Like for the first 40 minutes of our session, I don't think she actually understood that I had stopped talking to this friend, even though I'd mentioned it eight times. But at the 40 minute mark she started saying stuff that made me think she still thought I was in contact, but then I scrolled up and listened again and realized I'd been pretty clear several times, but I think she missed it...for some reason it just doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel like she's said anything particularly helpful thus far. I know we're only four sessions in and she doesn't know me so well yet, but our sessions aren't reminding me of sessions with my current T who I think is really wonderful or past Ts who I thought were great and who I clicked with, but it's reminding me of the one T I had who I never felt anything towards and accomplished very little with over the course of four years.

Does this make any sense?

[stopdog]

If I am paying attention - I stop them at the time and correct them or go back the next week and tell them.

[Coco3]

Did you have a session with her that you didn't record? How did you feel after that? I think recording and transcribing might give to much importance to every little detail.

But... always go with your gut. If it doesn't feel right, she might not be the right T for you.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by Coco3

Did you have a session with her that you didn't record? How did you feel after that? I think recording and transcribing might give to much importance to every little detail.

But... always go with your gut. If it doesn't feel right, she might not be the right T for you.

Perhaps, but whenever I've recorded sessions with my current T, I've found it very helpful. For example, I've noticed how often I deflect the question and change the subject when she asks how things make me feel. Also I've noticed that I typically say "like" at least 200 times within an hour long session and have resolved to eliminate that word from my vocabulary. I find it helps me pick up on patterns and I don't tend to get stuck on the little things; only the things that repeat over and over.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

Also I've noticed that I typically say "like" at least 200 times within an hour long session and have resolved to eliminate that word from my vocabulary.

Not to ignore the whole "is this T right for you component," but OMG! Like, I totally know what you mean

I was once giving a 6 minute presentation and there was someone assigned to count "filler words" like um, like, y'know. It was awful to hear how much I said it. But once I knew of my bad habit, I was able to break myself of it. Now my talks are a bit slower, but cleaner.

[wa(o)rrior]

Hi friend

went thru your article and wanted to share my insight. in the above listed examples every time you said your feelings she was paraphrasing with the terminology. it's actually a right approach from their perspective and it shows that they have understood your feeling and give it a terminology which actually positively affirms your point has been taken. your subconscious mind reads this mild cues from the therapist infact it actually expects these. your conscious mind may feel odd when they keep parroting things back to you, but its a message intended to your subconscious mind.

and people do slip up sometimes as in your case when she said stuff about thinking you still had contact with your friend. maybe she was overwhelmed and you know how draining it can be for them listening to so many people's trouble and issues all day long. of course we pay a ransom and expect them to do their duty properly but sometimes you need to cut them some slack, after all they are also human beings.

[LesFleursDuMal]

Actually I think this would bother me too. Paraphrasing is normal for a T, that's what they do 1) to make sure they understand cleraly 2)for you to be confronted to what you've just said. But I don't think they should do that too often, it doesn't feel "real", like she wants to show you she's with you but it's too much. I would also be bothered by the fact that she doesn't seem to pay that much attention. Forgetting things is normal, it's human, but not during the session and not when you said that 8 times.
Despite all of those things, do you like your T ? Do you feel comfortable with you ? Does she help you ?

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by wa(o)rrior

and people do slip up sometimes as in your case when she said stuff about thinking you still had contact with your friend. maybe she was overwhelmed and you know how draining it can be for them listening to so many people's trouble and issues all day long. of course we pay a ransom and expect them to do their duty properly but sometimes you need to cut them some slack, after all they are also human beings.

Actually - I think you pay them so that you don't have to cut them slack. They are therapists - they signed up to listen to people all day. If they don't like they can find a different job.

[SkyscraperMeow]

A major reason I quit therapy with my therapist is because she thought that her job was just to 'reflect' things. So she spent the whole session doing what you've described, rephrasing what I'd said and repeating it back to me like a mad budgie.

When I pointed out that it wasn't helpful, she became very confused and asked what response I wanted from her. It completely floored her when I said I wanted her to have a reaction that came from her and wasn't mediated by what she thought I wanted, ie, an actual conversation.

She said that would be intrusive. Uh. Okay.

Fact of the matter is, you can't deal with any serious issues with someone just parroting things back at you to 'validate' you. There are a lot of problems (which I experience) that I don't need validation for. I need, you know, actual constructive help from someone who is capable of doing more than repeat my words.

I terminated with her and felt nothing, which pretty much confirmed to me that the 'reflective' model of therapy not only fails to be effective, it also fails to create any kind of real connection (and I'm repeatedly informed that connection is important in therapy.)

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

but I already know that "my anxiety went down when I stopped talking to her" = "my anxiety is situational,"

I was surprised when I read her interpretation, that your anxiety going down "there" meant the anxiety was situational! I would not have known/thought of that and how it makes a difference if it is situational or not?

I think that you did know might be getting in your way? She's confirming what you already knew but, does she know you know it? It would have been a revelation to me if my T had said that and/or I might have picked up on the "situational" and asked, "why does that make a difference?" or otherwise explored what she had to say so it would have been a fruitful comment for her to have made. In your case though, that particular comment you already knew so it is just a confirmation for you that she's "following" what you are saying, is on the same page.

Some of the repeating what we say is to help us learn to really listen to what we are saying and how we are saying it and what effect it has on other people, turn us into a "third" person in the room, our listening ear as if we too are listening to the conversation. This then allows things like, "Situational? What's that? What other kinds of anxiety are there? Do I show other kinds?"

If I were you I would bring up the issue of not knowing whether she is just repeating stuff by rote and not really understanding and explore what you would "like" to hear from her?