[musinglizzy]

If you decided therapy just wasn't helpful for you.... how did you terminate? Did you give your T notice? Did you Email/write a letter? Did you just cancel? Did you just show up at a session and decide it was going to be your last?

A lot of you know I've been considering this awhile, and I want to make sure it "feels right" when/if I do. Actually, I think the question for me is when. T knows I'm unsure of my future in therapy with her, and I know she won't agree with my decision if I do terminate.

It's an absolutely heartbreaking decision, and one I don't wish to take lightly, so I'm just trying to coast until I know for sure it's what I need to do. By coasting, I guess I mean I'm going to my sessions, hoping my trust will just miraculously return and I will immediately feel connected again.

I'm not asking IF I should terminate, I'm just asking for stories of how people have done it. Despite our differences, my T does mean a great deal to me, and I don't want to leave on bad terms.

Part of me considered just taking a break.....and possibly not coming back. But I would want some closure for both of us. We HAVE worked hard this past year.

[SoupDragon]

I think there are a few ways to do it. Just stop or give notice to stop (my T has said it is really important to work through termination over a minimum of 3 months).

I have never managed to stop despite trying the first one above, but would give notice to stop when the time is right.

Good luck.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Years and years ago I had a different one I saw for about 3 yrs, who made the decision I was done and we had to end in 6 months. We spent 6 whole months working through termination (which was not my choice and my heart was broken) and I was terrified and filled with dread the whole time. I literally felt like I was counting down the moments to my execution. I would never, ever, ever personally go through a long termination process like that again. When I'm done, I'm done. Maybe a few sessions at the most. That long termination just made everything a million times worse and more painful.

[musinglizzy]

Thanks, Soup. I actually have given notice (down to a final session date) and some here didn't agree with me. That was a months notice. She basically said "don't you dare quit now," and I did not respond to that comment, nor have I brought it up again. But, I still believe it is in my best interest to stop seeing her. That could change....we did work SO well together for a long time, and I am having a hard time giving up hope that that can happen again. But, I think too much damage has been done... and I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. It will be heartbreaking to quit, but it's heartbreaking to stay, too.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

Years and years ago I had a different one I saw for about 3 yrs, who made the decision I was done and we had to end in 6 months. We spent 6 whole months working through termination (which was not my choice and my heart was broken) and I was terrified and filled with dread the whole time. I literally felt like I was counting down the moments to my execution. I would never, ever, ever personally go through a long termination process like that again. When I'm done, I'm done. Maybe a few sessions at the most. That long termination just made everything a million times worse and more painful.

We must have been posting at the same time! I can't imagine going 6 months through a termination process! OMG you explained it SO well when you compared it to, perhaps, a prisoner on death row waiting for their execution. That definitely made it more real.

When one goes through a "termination process," what happens? What's different?

[stopdog]

The first one I ever saw, way back when I was in my 20s - retired and we became friends until she moved 1000 miles away to be near her children.

The second one I tried fifteen years later for just a few months - it was not working and finally one appointment I asked her how I would know and she told me I could not just quit - I said watch me and she went to make a new appointment and I said "no" she said "No?" I repeated "No" and walked out never to return.

[ruh roh]

I've been through forced termination twice. Once with no notice, and once with two months notice (because the therapist was going to move). Neither felt like closure. The two months of termination was just as hard as the unexpected no-notice one. Maybe it would have felt different if it had been my choice, but I think it's hard no matter the reason.

Unless termination is happening because an individual feels they've gotten what they came for, I think it's going to be hard to find closure. I really feel for you on this. I totally understand how it feels to know when it's not working and not be able to walk away because of a connection. If I could go back, though, I would have liked to be the one walking away, no matter how painful. In the end, I am better off for those terminations because it made room for me to find the right therapist.

Whatever you decide to do, do it for yourself and not because of what anyone (including your therapist) says.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

We must have been posting at the same time! I can't imagine going 6 months through a termination process! OMG you explained it SO well when you compared it to, perhaps, a prisoner on death row waiting for their execution. That definitely made it more real.

When one goes through a "termination process," what happens? What's different?

We talked about how it was an ending, not abandonment. She'd still care about me, blahblahblah. I was 22 and still very unstable and very clingy and childlike with her. All that talk about it didn't seem any less like an abandonment. I cried and begged her not to end every week, but she said I was "better" and needed to move on. I think I cried about it every day for at least a year afterward. I ended up in the hospital and then a group home. It was hard and I was young. Probably the hardest thing ever. What I am going through now hurts really really really badly, but I think back then it hurt even more. I didn't understand how she could care so much and then just turn it off.

We ended just before Christmas, and I tried to be put a smile on my face for my grandpa because I loved him so much and we knew he only had a few more months, but I sat there with tears streaming down my face for the whole Christmas season.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

Unless termination is happening because an individual feels they've gotten what they came for, I think it's going to be hard to find closure. I really feel for you on this. I totally understand how it feels to know when it's not working and not be able to walk away because of a connection. If I could go back, though, I would have liked to be the one walking away, no matter how painful.

This is SO true. With that therapist when I was young, I even went so far as to get accepted into school in a different province and plan a move so that I would be leaving her instead of waiting for that horrible, scary termination date.

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

.


When one goes through a "termination process," what happens? What's different?

It's like the last paragraph of an essay where you sum everything up. Touch on the high points/ things that stand out in your memory and clarify them. If anything is still bothering you from the relationship it should be brought up and discussed, but no new material should be put on the table. It's simply closure. You are 'processing' the relationship so you can let it go in the same way you processed your issues earlier in therapy so you could let them go.

This is the ideal of course, how healthy therapy should end. If there are issues you are afraid to bring up and/or just simply can't process in regard the the relationship it's going to follow you around for years... (Ask me how I know)

But then again, staying in a bad T relationship will never solve those issues, merely add to them. If that's the case it's better to get out while you're ahead, but it is so hard to see the truth when you're trapped in distortions. (Again, ask me how I know...)

[musinglizzy]

Thanks JustShakey,

That's very informative. Unfortunately I think I'll be in the same boat as you... issues that can't be processed regarding the relationship.... we talk about it but don't get anywhere. It's been a huge road block for me.

[emwell]

I have terminated in so many different ways.

1) I got pissed, walked out, and never returned. I remember seeing a new picture in her office of someone I knew and completely freaked out. No contact ever again. (I did not think I was capable of living without her, but did remarkably well. This was similar to breaking an addiction)

2) I moved too far away and we said a simple goodbye. (was not really invested in the relationship)

3) Canceled my next appointment and never returned. (this was a psychiatrist and I replaced him with a better one)

4) Just had a psychiatrist inform me he was retiring in June. He told me this in January. He wanted me to continue with him until June, but I chose to end after 1 more appointment. He had nothing left to offer me. I was getting ready to fire him anyway so this worked out well.

5) My most recent change. I was with this therapist for 3 years. I did a lot of work with her. My gut started telling me I needed something more or different. No real reason why, just what I felt. I discussed this with her in-depth over a period of a few weeks. I was very honest about what I was thinking and feeling. We both agreed a change might be just what I needed. I now have a new therapist with new ideas. Ideas I need to hear. The old therapist will be available temporarily in case this new relationship does not work out.

there have been other terminations, but these are the ones I choose to share.

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

Thanks JustShakey,


That's very informative. Unfortunately I think I'll be in the same boat as you... issues that can't be processed regarding the relationship.... we talk about it but don't get anywhere. It's been a huge road block for me.

Then you have to accept that you're not going to get anywhere with those issues. Successful processing doesn't necessarily mean you're going to like the outcome, just that you accept it, grieve, and let it go.

Yeah, easier said than done, and it simply may not be possible to do this with your current T (if you do choose to go ahead and terminate), particularly because it seems she is not accepting of your wish to terminate.

Eta: My previous T did a proper termination with me, but I wasn't ready for it. The situation was such that neither of us had much of a choice though, and she really did feel that she was not the best therapist for me. She was probably right, much as I hate to admit it...

[musinglizzy]

Thanks....I think I'll accept it ok, but in order to do so, I think I also need to move on.

[stopdog]

Sometimes knowing when to walk away is the better part of valour.

With my ex-T I talked about my thoughts of quitting for a while. When I actually did it I didn't tell her beforehand. I sent her a note saying I was not coming anymore. I followed this up later with a letter. I considered writing in the letter about things I was unhappy about, but decided against that in the end and just wrote a few positive thoughts I had about my therapy. It wasn't a letter of thanks though because at that stage I was kind of at rock bottom, feeling that the therapy I had had with her had really harmed me. She wrote back, and that exchange of letters helped me I think. She left the door open for me. I guess she'll never understand the effect that my therapy with her had on me. My example of termination is not one to follow, if you do terminate I hope you can figure out a better way than I did. I think it is probably better to talk about it in person.

[musinglizzy]

Brown Owl, I feel like you do, and I'm the type of person to handle it the same way you did. I'll try not to....ugh

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

But, I think too much damage has been done... and I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. It will be heartbreaking to quit, but it's heartbreaking to stay, too.

I can relate in some ways. Tough place to be. Hope you can find some peace with this.

[lunatic soul]

I texted him. Then I called him, we talked for 30 minutes, I was crying and explaining reasons why I'm leaving, I canceled the session.
After cancellation I texted him that I need that last session, so I came, gave him something, wanted to hug him saying goodbye but he rejected me, I wanted to die, I ran to church, then called the pastor and went to him to talk about it because it hurt so much.
After termination I started to smoke, gave up all my psych meds, started to abuse drugs, couldn;t eat, couldnt sleep, cried so hard all the time, aftr some time I emailed to him, he replied, then I emailed again after some time asking to see him again, he denied it, he said it's not possible, I called him, he said it was my decision to leave and I can't go back anymore. It was hell. After some time I called him again swearing I am changed and I will never do bad things again, I said I need his help so much, he said that we can see each other only after a month.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

Years and years ago I had a different one I saw for about 3 yrs, who made the decision I was done and we had to end in 6 months. We spent 6 whole months working through termination (which was not my choice and my heart was broken) and I was terrified and filled with dread the whole time. I literally felt like I was counting down the moments to my execution. I would never, ever, ever personally go through a long termination process like that again. When I'm done, I'm done. Maybe a few sessions at the most. That long termination just made everything a million times worse and more painful.

PF, couldn't you have bailed out somewhere during that 6 months? Wow that is a long time. Did you have no say in the termination nor the duration of the process?

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by BudFox

PF, couldn't you have bailed out somewhere during that 6 months? Wow that is a long time. Did you have no say in the termination nor the duration of the process?

No say about ending. It was through a clinic and they decided I was "better." I hung on because I was young and desperate and didn't want to let go of her. Now if this happened I would leave right away.

She didn't "push" discussion of termination for the full 6 months but once I was told I only had 6 months left, I couldn't think about anything else.

[wotchermuggle]

My only real termination wasn't my choice. I was given three weeks notice. I tried really hard to say everything I wanted to say so there was nothing left over at the end.

Those three weeks initially felt like it wouldn't be enough but I was ready for the drama of him leaving his practise to be over by the end.

The hardest part of it for me was that he said he would communicate with my new T and he never did. That hurt the most. He did call the place I was getting therapy from to see if I had signed on with someone else but that was it. I was so hurt by the fact he didn't keep his word.

It took me a long time to get over that loss, though. I never had any romantic transference issues, but it was difficult to mentally let go, even though I just wanted it to be over.

[musinglizzy]

Thanks for all the feedback. I knew y'all would understand that this is not an easy choice. I've been working on a termination letter for weeks....to send, give, Email, or most likely READ during a session. The more time that goes by, for the most part, solidifies my thoughts that this may be the right path to take. Still doesn't make it easier...

I told him he was not going to get away with this and I walked out.

[Giucy]

Ok, as we say in French, my answer will be a Normandy answer (réponse de Normand). Meaning that this answer will not be a black 'n white answer variety.

If you choose to terminate as a client who comes voluntarily, there is no right or wrong way to terminate.
It depends of how do you feel with your T and the therapy.
It's a whatever works situation : if you choose to terminate with your T, what you do is not written in the stone.

If your therapy is Court-ordered, that's an entirely different ball game. Since I don't have the slightest scooby, I gladly leave my seat to more competent folks here.

Rules for termination are body licensing regulations for therapists. If your T chooses to terminate, he has to follow his professional regulations for not being liable of abandonment.

OTOH, if a client who comes to therapy voluntarily chooses to terminate, he is free to terminate.
You owe nothing to your T. You hire your T, your T doesn't hire you.

If you feel comfortable with giving your T a N time notice before termination, it's the most important.
No one holds the universal truth about how to terminate with your T because this situation doesn't know the universal truth.

The way you terminate the T you voluntarily see is your freedom of choice.

The only rules you have to respect in terminating your T is the basic common sense like no physical violence, no uttering threats etc...
Aside from these rules of basic common sense, I repeat that the way you choose to terminate the T you see voluntarily is your personal freedom.