[MissCharlotte]

So two days after writing that ridiculous letter I feel like quitting. I don't want to go to therapy, Tuesday feels like a month away. What's the point if I keep going round and round and round in circles, repeating the same patterns, not letting anyone within the walls I have built up around me, under the guise of personal space. Pushing pushing pushing everyone away from me, wanting to change everyone else instead of myself because I feel like a hopeless case.

Two days ago I missed him now I am afraid to face him. I am worried I will be blank, that it's not worth continuing because I am not making progress, that he will think I am an exhausting drain.

I think about the time he told me that he thinks I don't always tell him what I need to tell him. (about a month ago) What the hell does that mean? I fell right into it at the time and told about some SI, but who knows if that's even what he meant? I find myself thinking about thngs he has said in the past and wonder if they are relevant now. Like, "Sister, you have to take care of yourself." or "Sister, are we connected?" or "Aren't we talking about shame?"

Maybe this is just the anxiety that builds up before or maybe I need to get a grip.

(( sister ))

As my T told me when I said I don't think I'm doing well, talking enough, etc.. "You are where you need to be.".

You are pushing him away right now with your thoughts and worries about what he's thinking. But you can't know what he's thinking until you ask him and he tells you.

Falling right into it.. is a good thing. Connection is there or it wouldn't happen. But it is scary too.

Going round and round in circles is ok. Frustrating, but ok. And now that you see it, you aren't doing it in ignorance, but with awareness and that's a step toward resolution!

Take this post with you.. then you won't be blank, you'll have a place to start. See where it goes from there. Or maybe explore 'shame' and take some thoughts on that to your next session; there is always more to learn about a topic, so yes it's all still relevant; it's a continuum.

I think you're still missing him. It is so hard. That darn time of disconnect where worry and insecuirty creeps in. Tell him about that, too.

So now what? Write a new letter about what's goind on right now. Keep focusing on Tuesday and your reconnection with him. Be good and kind and gentle to you.

[Perna]

Sister, what helped me was my T reminding me that things "change" so just hang in and see what happens :-) Remember 2 days ago, then now, then ??? By Tuesday things will have changed again; your perspective, your feelings, your understanding, etc. Rock gets built by the sediment getting deposited, calcifying, etc. Let yourself settle so you can see what you have.

((( Perna )))

Perna said:
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Rock gets built by the sediment getting deposited, calcifying, etc. Let yourself settle so you can see what you have.

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You are so wise and kind.

Thank you for being here.

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sister said:
I find myself thinking about thngs he has said in the past and wonder if they are relevant now. Like, "Sister, you have to take care of yourself." or "Sister, are we connected?" or "Aren't we talking about shame?"

Maybe this is just the anxiety that builds up before or maybe I need to get a grip.



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Before you make yourself get a grip..... remember-- you have lots to talk about with you T! No quitting! If you are thinking about the relevancy of the statements that I quoted above, ask him! If ever you feel that there is a disconnect in therapy, and you are overwhelmed with your thoughts... focus on that disconnect. Maybe focus in on the disconnection in your next session. Whenever I feel confused and I feel a "glitch" in my therapy.... or in some way feel that we are not on the same page.... I zero in on it at my session.

[SecretGarden]

Perna.... You have been through so much and have come out the other side. Have you had times that were incredibly difficult in your efforts to change... unpleasant...crappy? I wish to come out the other side but it is difficult.

Sister... wish I could help ...

[MissCharlotte]

Thank you all. Echoes, you are so kind, yes I understand that it is a continuum, but I don't feel it; right now I feel more discontinued! I may take you up on your letter suggestion, in my journal, because clearly I have more stuff to get out.

Perna, the image of the rock forming over time lends a sense of timelessness to this topic, which I suppose we should have, but again I am just not feeling it right at this moment...I am more feeling stuck in the calcification stage of the process.

Pink, thank you. Does it really help when you zero in on things? I think that maybe some airing out of feelings is due here. I'm not as brave as you are though and it will be a difficult thing with me hestatingly spitting out words with huge pauses in their midst.

I think that there is a connection between my wanting to quit and weekends when my husband is home. I woke up really grouchy and anxious but after a while we were sitting together in the kitchen and laughing and sharing and for a brief moment I felt normal again for a minute only to remember that life has changed. Somehow in my twisted sense of logic I decide that therapy is the problem and if i quit life could be normal once again. Great big sigh.............hmmmmm

You have great insight, Sis... hang onto that. I don't often "zero in" on stuff in therapy, but.... if I feel there is some type of disconnection between me and T during session... or a confusion.... that we are not on the same page.... then I will zero in on that. Because I to come up with answers; I want to know where the lines are getting crossed.

(((((((((((((((Sister))))))))))) Healing is so painful. You have incredible insight, so there is no doubt that you are healing. I wish you could feel my hug b/c I want you to know we are there for you and we are here to walk through it with you. You are strong enough to walk thru it. Many hugs.
ev

sister, I'm glad you and your husband had a nice time sharing and you felt good about it. I think when in therapy that outside relationships are hard. I think we unconsciously compare them to our therapy relationship and outside relationships just aren't the same and pale by comparison.

I have to say that I too have thought that therapy creates more problems than solutions but I am new in it so I can say it is early yet and to be patient. I think it's just a natural reaction to avoiding pain in any way we can.

ECHOES

[SecretGarden]

am glad that you enjoyed a conversation with your hubby. It is like a little mini vacation. :-) I do feel like I am in the middle of something and quitting therapy would not solve it. I think we are in motion or emotion.

Peace!

It is the mini-vacations that help me...and that may be cleaning or talking to a friend or many things but lately I need to keep busy to keep myself o.k..

I find myself now looking forward to Wednesday. Mixed bag...love/hate kind of thing... just trying to understand it all. Well not to those extremes but ... ?

[jacq10]

Sister, you are nothing, NOTHING at all that resembles a helpless case. I can tell just by reading some of your posts that you are so bright, and care so much about those around you.

You said that "he thinks I don't always tell him what I need to tell him" and also that you were afraid to face him. Maybe all he meant by that was he felt like you wern't telling him the complete truth about how you're feeling? I'm not at all saying that you lied to him in any way .. but maybe if you're anxiety is getting in the way when you see him, thats holding you back from truly opening up to him? That being said, it is no easy feat to open up to anyone, let alone open up when you are talking about personal matters, so don't take it to heart if that is the case - I know i sure am working on that one!

Maybe you could read your letter to him? That might make things easier... you already have it written down, and that way if you can be sure to tell him exactly how you feel. Or if you don't feel comfortable doing that, maybe give it to him before or after your session? Just a thought ....

You can do this, hang in there
Hugs,
Jacq