[runlola72]

So T's birthday is next week. He did not tell me this, this is information I found out a long time ago when I was looking for a T, and scouring the net to be sure I vetted any potentially bad T's out before I committed. I found some good reviews he had posted on a resort he stayed at, and some journal articles, and then something I wish I could unsee, which is a family tree one of his relatives put up online, which details birthdays and birthplaces of all his family. I haven't looked at it again, but T's birthday stuck in my head.

Anyway.... this week I sent T a list of my negative self-talks that I do, because they are so horrible and vile I could not stand to tell him in person. But I do believe this self-talk, plus the noise and yelling in my head, is really affecting me so I do want to put it on the table. I also asked, knowing that his b-day is on the day of our next session, if we could switch to the following day, because I don't want to subject him to this on his bday. He usually has availability. After I sent it, he replied with a "thanks for sending" note, which was short but longer than other notes he has sent, noting that he would be gone the other days of the week, so he couldn't switch me. Ugh. Well, I ended up cancelling because I just know it's going to be a super emotional session and I really don't want T to have this negativity on his birthday.

Have you ever felt you needed to spare your T from your emotions on a birthday or other important day? Was I right to cancel?

Lola

[runlola72]

I feel so sad. He sent me message canceling our session through my calendar. No note. He's probably happy that he doesn't have to see me on his birthday but I wish he would at least pretend to worry.

[Waterbear]

Sorry that sounds tough. Info once seen that we wish we could unsee is difficult enough but not knowing what to do with it must be hard for you. Maybe just try and get through the week and then forget about it. Not normally something I would advise when in therapy but maybe the only choice unless you can bring it up.

[Prism Bunny]

Next time you see him, just ask if he meant to send of note or not on the scheduled day. And then wish him a happy belated birthday. I am sure he will be reasonable and even say how he actually feels on the subject. He knows he needs to earn your full trust, and that is something he is trained to do as a therapist.

Just breathe for now. And wait until the next appointment.

[runlola72]

Originally Posted by Prism Bunny

Next time you see him, just ask if he meant to send of note or not on the scheduled day. And then wish him a happy belated birthday. I am sure he will be reasonable and even say how he actually feels on the subject. He knows he needs to earn your full trust, and that is something he is trained to do as a therapist.

Just breathe for now. And wait until the next appointment.

I can't tell him I knew it was his bday. That is something I found online even before I started with him. I don't want him to think I am stalking him. :/

[Prism Bunny]

Just say that you did extensive research before you met him to see if he was the right fit. Which in this day and age, many people do that. Just be honest, or the session will get awkward fast, and he will pick up on it. You should be honest with your Ts and Pdocs if you want to get the best results.

I doubt he will think you are a stalker if you say it was a source from a work portfolio. I know on my Pdoc's page it states his birth year and his current age. And he knows that is public knowledge that anyone can find.

[runlola72]

Thanks PrismBunny,
I'm still not sure that I'll bring this up. But I will definitely mention that I am having a hard time because I feel like he doesn't like me and is happy if I cancel sessions. He is nearing retirement age and I have suspected he may have health issues... I wonder if he just wants clients who are easier to deal with. I wouldn't blame him.

[stopdog]

You could try talking to the guy about why you seem to have an urge to protect him.

I pay them so I don't have to worry about them - so no, I would not cancel to protect the therapist from me. They decided they wanted to be therapists, if they don't like their job, it is not my problem.

You don't have to take care of your therapist. They can do that for themselves.

As far as him cancelling, I doubt very highly he cancelled because he's "happy that he doesn't have to see me on his birthday." He probably just decided that since he was taking the rest of the week off, he might as well take his birthday off too.

[brillskep]

If you trust him, you could explain to him that you inadvertently found out when you were checking out your options for a therapist. It seems clear to me that you were not stalking him and he should understand the need to check out your options before you choose a therapist. It might be helpful to discuss with him what you told yourself about having a difficult session on his birthday, as it might help you to understand your process, better your therapeutic relationship, and work toward your goals.

I was in the same boat as you - found out my therapist's birthday without meaning to when I checked out his resume online.(And his birthay is the day after mine, too!) While as a therapist I assume responsibility for when I work and when I don't and when I decide to work on my birthday I don't expect or want clients to spare me, when I know it's my therapist's birthday on the day of our session or even just a little before I also avoid difficult subjects. But I never avoid talking about my negativity - I just try not to give him very negative feedback on his birthday That said, I feel very special when he works with me on his birthday. So I understand this may bring up feelings and thoughts of going easier on a therapist if you know this. But if he is working on that day, he is probably expecting that his clients (including you) may bring some really heavy stuff. Now that you've canceled, I wouldn't worry about it.

[Prism Bunny]

Originally Posted by runlola72

Thanks PrismBunny,
I'm still not sure that I'll bring this up. But I will definitely mention that I am having a hard time because I feel like he doesn't like me and is happy if I cancel sessions. He is nearing retirement age and I have suspected he may have health issues... I wonder if he just wants clients who are easier to deal with. I wouldn't blame him.

And that is something that is most important to bring up. Your self-worth. You automatically have the assumption that he dislikes you, and that he would gain personal joy in not seeing you on his birthday. I promise his cancellation has nothing to do with you. If you think he may be canceling due to approaching age to retirement and wants easier clients, just ask him if he sees you as a serious case. I had to ask that a couple of times before with therapists and they were quite honest.

But here is a question, do you see yourself as just a burden on someone who is being paid to give you therapy in an hour's time?

[runlola72]

Sorry I think I didn't make myself clear because a few people seem to have misunderstood. *I* cancelled on him, because I found out it was his birthday. He did not cancel on me. I canceled because I have lots of heavy emotions going on and I don't want to rain negative emotion into his special day. I am upset with him because he doesn't seem to care that I canceled, or is perhaps glad, or that's at least what I am projecting.

[runlola72]

[QUOTE=brillskep;5078648]If you trust him, you could explain to him that you inadvertently found out when you were checking out your options for a therapist. It seems clear to me that you were not stalking him and he should understand the need to check out your options before you choose a therapist. It might be helpful to discuss with him what you told yourself about having a difficult session on his birthday, as it might help you to understand your process, better your therapeutic relationship, and work toward your goals.

QUOTE]

I honestly think he would dismiss me as a client if he thought I had looked something personal up about him online. I know that sounds over the top but he is so very boundaried.

Originally Posted by runlola72

Sorry I think I didn't make myself clear because a few people seem to have misunderstood. *I* cancelled on him, because I found out it was his birthday. He did not cancel on me. I canceled because I have lots of heavy emotions going on and I don't want to rain negative emotion into his special day. I am upset with him because he doesn't seem to care that I canceled, or is perhaps glad, or that's at least what I am projecting.

It isn't about him not caring. He's just taking you at your word that you need to cancel. From what you said, you didn't tell him why you were cancelling. Even if you did, it isn't unusual for clients to cancel, and most T's won't call to check up on the reason unless it has been pretty explicitly stated that they want a return call/contact.

The only time my T ever called when I cancelled was because we had talked on the phone the night before because I was suicidal and had a plan. When I cancelled the next day because I was physically ill due to an attempt, he called to find out what was going on because he suspected I had made an attempt. Otherwise, if I cancel, he simply respects my decision to do so and if it needs to be discussed, we talk about it the next session.

[brillskep]

[quote=runlola72;5078676]

Originally Posted by brillskep

If you trust him, you could explain to him that you inadvertently found out when you were checking out your options for a therapist. It seems clear to me that you were not stalking him and he should understand the need to check out your options before you choose a therapist. It might be helpful to discuss with him what you told yourself about having a difficult session on his birthday, as it might help you to understand your process, better your therapeutic relationship, and work toward your goals.

QUOTE]

I honestly think he would dismiss me as a client if he thought I had looked something personal up about him online. I know that sounds over the top but he is so very boundaried.

I think that would be unprofessional if he did that, but it may be. You're the one who knows him. But still, that would be unreasonable. How are you expected to pick a therapist unless you can get to know that he's out there an know his credentials? We often do that on the Internet these days. Sorry if your therapist isn't open to you even looking up therapists online.

[Prism Bunny]

Originally Posted by runlola72

Sorry I think I didn't make myself clear because a few people seem to have misunderstood. *I* cancelled on him, because I found out it was his birthday. He did not cancel on me. I canceled because I have lots of heavy emotions going on and I don't want to rain negative emotion into his special day. I am upset with him because he doesn't seem to care that I canceled, or is perhaps glad, or that's at least what I am projecting.

Sorry that I went by another person's post. The poster, lolagrace, has a point. Why do you have the need to protect your therapist from something you feel may be downright awful for him to endure on his birthday? I still think you feel as though you are a burden to him (his life), but I think if you spoke about your insecurities with him he would have a more clear picture of what is going on.

And if you think he would dismiss you as a patient if he knew about the birthday information, then bring up what has been written on your thread. I do not understand why he would ever let go of a patient for finding out public information that can be found even on doctor review websites. I am sorry if I am not doing so well in making you feel better, by the way. :S

[runlola72]

Prismbunny- I so appreciate your responses and others' responses as well. I'm sorry if I conveyed that I didn't. I am grumpy at myself and it's probably coming out in my posts. You're right though, along with LG, WHY do I feel I need to protect him from my feelings? I guess I should think on that. I was unable to bring up specifics of my negative self-talk in session because the talk involves a lot of vile language, completely unlike how I come across to others, and completely unlike how my therapist comes off to me (very mannered, dressed in jacket and tie). I felt like I was protecting him from my ugly parts. I thought better of it and emailed him, thinking that would be more tolerable. I guess I hate feeling so needy, and don't want to step on toes, take up too much room, etc...so I didn't want to swamp his birthday morning with a tearful session. I'm sure it would have been ok, now that I am thinking of it in hindsight. But my immediate instinct is that if I end up being too much for people, they will leave me, so I am careful to space out my craziness I guess. This just felt too much.

I really appreciate your responses, and I am sorry if my last response came off as sharp. It wasn't intended at all. Promise!

[runlola72]

[QUOTE=brillskep;5078687]

Originally Posted by runlola72

I think that would be unprofessional if he did that, but it may be. You're the one who knows him. But still, that would be unreasonable. How are you expected to pick a therapist unless you can get to know that he's out there an know his credentials? We often do that on the Internet these days. Sorry if your therapist isn't open to you even looking up therapists online.

I may feel it out and consider bringing it up. I will play it by ear. Hopefully he trusts me and wouldn't think I'm a horrible person for looking him up. I have alluded to having looked others up online so maybe he knows this happens. Thank you for your feedback

[runlola72]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

It isn't about him not caring. He's just taking you at your word that you need to cancel. From what you said, you didn't tell him why you were cancelling. Even if you did, it isn't unusual for clients to cancel, and most T's won't call to check up on the reason unless it has been pretty explicitly stated that they want a return call/contact.

The only time my T ever called when I cancelled was because we had talked on the phone the night before because I was suicidal and had a plan. When I cancelled the next day because I was physically ill due to an attempt, he called to find out what was going on because he suspected I had made an attempt. Otherwise, if I cancel, he simply respects my decision to do so and if it needs to be discussed, we talk about it the next session.

I didn't tell him, because I didn't want to lie. And I know you are 100% right. I know I have a tendency to read into things...

[runlola72]

I ended up emailing and asking him to please reinstate me for appt and he did. I think he knew I might want the appt back. I've canceled and then changed my mind a few times before. I go tomorrow but have decided to act as if I don't know it's his birthday. If he didn't want to listen to me he could have planned his vacation a day earlier. ��

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by runlola72

I ended up emailing and asking him to please reinstate me for appt and he did. I think he knew I might want the appt back. I've canceled and then changed my mind a few times before. I go tomorrow but have decided to act as if I don't know it's his birthday. If he didn't want to listen to me he could have planned his vacation a day earlier. ��

My t thinks an interesting appointment is just the best birthday present ever. To really engage in his life's chosen work. Or he may have just been blowing smoke up my bum. That happens probably more than I am aware of.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by runlola72

So T's birthday is next week. He did not tell me this, this is information I found out a long time ago when I was looking for a T, and scouring the net to be sure I vetted any potentially bad T's out before I committed. I found some good reviews he had posted on a resort he stayed at, and some journal articles, and then something I wish I could unsee, which is a family tree one of his relatives put up online, which details birthdays and birthplaces of all his family. I haven't looked at it again, but T's birthday stuck in my head.

Anyway.... this week I sent T a list of my negative self-talks that I do, because they are so horrible and vile I could not stand to tell him in person. But I do believe this self-talk, plus the noise and yelling in my head, is really affecting me so I do want to put it on the table. I also asked, knowing that his b-day is on the day of our next session, if we could switch to the following day, because I don't want to subject him to this on his bday. He usually has availability. After I sent it, he replied with a "thanks for sending" note, which was short but longer than other notes he has sent, noting that he would be gone the other days of the week, so he couldn't switch me. Ugh. Well, I ended up cancelling because I just know it's going to be a super emotional session and I really don't want T to have this negativity on his birthday.

Have you ever felt you needed to spare your T from your emotions on a birthday or other important day? Was I right to cancel?

Lola

I do worry about T however, not about something like this. Many people work on their birthday so T is no different. Plus if he wanted the day away from his clients, he would just take the day off.

[nottrustin]

I honestly think he would dismiss me as a client if he thought I had looked something personal up about him online. I know that sounds over the top but he is so very boundaried.[/quote]

I bet it has become the norm for clients/patients to look up providers. I have never told T I have researched her. However, she has told me she does lot of research before going to see a medical providers so I am sure she figures I looked her up..

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by runlola72

I ended up emailing and asking him to please reinstate me for appt and he did. I think he knew I might want the appt back. I've canceled and then changed my mind a few times before. I go tomorrow but have decided to act as if I don't know it's his birthday. If he didn't want to listen to me he could have planned his vacation a day earlier. ��

Glad you were able to get the appointment back.

Another thought is that, for many people, birthdays just aren't a big deal. Or they may want to celebrate them, but it doesn't have to be on the day itself. Plus birthdays can be depressing because they remind you that you're getting old, so maybe your T would rather be distracted on that day!

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Glad you were able to get the appointment back.

Another thought is that, for many people, birthdays just aren't a big deal. Or they may want to celebrate them, but it doesn't have to be on the day itself. Plus birthdays can be depressing because they remind you that you're getting old, so maybe your T would rather be distracted on that day!

That's for darned sure. I give my own birthday very minimal attention anymore. In fact, I swear I was 47 for two years because when I turned 49, I had to do the math and realized I had never called myself 48. (You think I'm kidding, but I'm not -- 48 was a bad year.)