To those of you who have full lives, marriage, family, interests... how do you do it? How did you manage to achieve that with everything else going on?

I read about people who are doing great things with their lives, have friendships, go out and do things for fun, enjoy holidays, and so on. I don't know how you do it.

I know that our common 'thread' lol is psychotherapy here but still there are so many dealing with so much yet their lives are full of achievements and accomplishments that I have only dreamed of. It just amazes me.

I'ms so happy for those who can, but I'm also in awe and jealous and curious. My way to cope is to avoid, recluse, isolate. Nothing gets accomplished that way and it becomes a habit that's hard to break. I haven't always been this way, but have been for some time now. Wondering how to get out of it. Having ambivalence about it.. like it but don't like it. It serves a purpose of feeling safe but also reinforces my notion that I can't be safe if I fully engage in life.

Would love to hear about your ability to move forward in spite of it all, if you care to share.

[winterbaby]

OK maybe I'm one of those who "seem" to have it all together outside of therapy. But really, I think for myself anyway, it's forcing myself to do things even when I don't feel like it. Forcing myself to go out with friends, to clean the house, to keep my job going and to try to have some fun in life. I think it's hard yes, but the more I force myself to do something the easier it becomes. And I know I won't do it naturally so I do have to make myself do things. Strange but true. I could truly isolate myself all day because that in all honesty is what I really want to do. Hide from the world just like you. But I know that would not get me anywhere.
I think you have to start small, with something you think you might enjoy doing. And then just do it! There is no magic answer, unfortunately.

[Perna]

One thing I try to do now is remember that the breadth of my life I see looking "out" from within is a bit like having blinders on as opposed to what it looks like from others looking "in"? Too, I try to remember "Time" and how things get done/accomplished over "long" periods. Next week I'll get my second BA but my first was in 1972 (in the "wrong" subject is why I went back and got the second in the "right" one :-) and I've been going to the school where the 2nd BA will be from since 1974. LOL.

I think too there's a lot of "trading" going on. I use to "do" nothing and read 3-5 books a week; which reading, by itself, sounds good but I literally was doing nothing else and yet people look at one on the outside and assume a person "has a life" which isn't necessarily true. So, the book-reading stands on it's own. But, getting back to trading, now I'm going to school, however, I don't read very much! That doesn't take from my "previous" accomplishment and how people think of me as a "reader" -- now they also think of me as a full-time student; even though I only take a course or two a semester because I also only "study" despite that much time not being needed for those few courses. Too, because I'm going to school, I'm automatically seen to be a "scholar" and "intelligent" which are inferred rather than necessarily true :-) I am intelligent but I don't know about that scholar-type but one sister-in-law gives me "learned"/scholarly-type best seller books each Christmas. LOL -- she has 2 Masters degrees but thinks somehow I'm some genius, learned somebody (my husband is, so I think some of it rubs off from her thoughts about him; if he married me then I must be. . . :-)

So, I think Echoes that you're not quite accurate about yourself :-) and you're just as with-it as we all are. Mostly now I'm just following my "interests" as I come across them. I'm "playing" basicaly, seeing where things "go." Not at all hard to do. Enjoying most of what I'm doing and having some success helps me with some of the harder tasks I take on, gives me a bit more confidence (10+ people coming for brunch next weekend for Mother's Day, all of them from my husband's famiy/former family (his ex-wife and her mother and sister :-) which is okay because we get along fine)).

[MissCharlotte]

Echoes,

I have been pondering this post all day. Moving forward is a current theme I am grappling with as well. I am finishing my Masters degree this summer and should be diligently looking for a job and putting myself out there. But I retreat, literally, to the corner of my room where my comfy chair is and where I can sit and talk to you guys on my laptop. i feel so safe here (safety = another big issue). Hmmmm I even went to the library today to work and decided it was too stuffy there so I came back home and here I am back in my room again.

I have a full and busy life. I am married and have 3 sons, 25, 21, and 13. So I am very busy. But i have hid behind my role as a mother for a long time. When my 2 oldest sons were young I worked in business and stayed home when the youngest was born. There was always that pull to be at home and protect my kids and myself! I really don't know who I am outside of this role.

I realize now that the way I accomplished so much was by splitting myself into different people so to speak. Not necessarily multiple personalities but distinctly different parts of me. When I stayed at home, I became a different person completely than the working mother was. I have moved from role to role over the years without acknowledging myself becaues I don't really know who I am. So, although I looked like I was just doing it all, I was not all there and now I am not all here.

Serious illness with 2 of my children catapulted me into the therapy I am in now, and everyday is a struggle to participate in the human race. I have a very difficult time maintaining friendships, etc. And as far as famly gatherings are concerned, let me tell you that although i participate in holidays, etc. I do not really enjoy them. I always wake up feeling ill on Christmas and Easter and if it weren't for my children I would probably stay home in bed and watch movies all day.

So, why am i going on and on and on......I guess your post touched me in a deep and meaningful way. Although I have achievements, I paid a huge price for them. I think we're back to that connection theme again. Either we are connected or we are safe but not both.

Oh, Echoes, the grass is always greener on the other side, isn't it?

Peace, love and Woodstock.

Thanks for your replies, Perna and sister! Lots to think about there.

Perna you're right it is a different view looking in versus looking out. That thought in itself could be a few session!

Sister, like you, part of my struggle is that the things I hid behind, rasing my son (he moved 1,000 miles away a year ago), food, cigarettes, etc. have all fallen away and.. here I am... Who am I and NOW what do I do?!

Some days I feel like I fell asleep and woke up somewhere else and as someone else.

One thing I do is go ahead & do what I am fearful of. For ex., I don't like to drive downtown so I took a class where I had to drive there every week. I was in a bit of a panic, but on the way home I felt such a great sense of accomplishment.

I've also had a group of people over for dinner when I felt completely incompetent. I just put one foot in front of the other & planned how to cook the meal, how to get the house ready & talked myself out of obssessing that I had to be perfect. I reminded myself that if you get a couple glasses of wine in people they will be focussed on visiting with each other & not scrutinize my cooking or hostessing abilities. Though I have to admit I was completely drained afterwards. I hope the experience will make it easier for me next time.

Right now I'm having difficulty going to see my internal med doc to check my thyroid & blood pressure. She put me on meds for both about 9 mos. ago & I was supposed to return in 3 mos. to get my levels checked. I keep making appts. & rescheduling them for later times. Now I'm scheduled in June. I'm just feeling really bad that I haven't lost a significant amount of weight since I saw her last. I know the weight is triggering the high blood pressure, but with the low thyroid I could have problems with losing weight so it doesn't make sense for me not to go, but I'm still balking. My pdoc hasd offered to come with me to help me get to the appt., but I hate to put her out for something I SHOULD be able to do, but for some reason can't.

So I've managed to do some things that were stumbling blocks for me, but I have many more to address!--Suzy

[sunrise]

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To those of you who have full lives, marriage, family, interests... how do you do it?

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ECHOES, what helps me keep on the path is my kids. I have a lot of responsibilities as a parent, and I can't just shirk them. I put my kids before myself. Even at the worst of my depression, the kid responsibilities helped drag me through life. They gave a structure I had to stick to, for their sake. Due to depression, I did drop a lot of other things, like socializing and friendships, helping at my kids' schools, cleaning the house, gardening and keeping up our yard, and even talking much to people, both at and outside of work. I did the minimum to get by. I think we do as much as we are able to at the moment. As my depression improved, I had more energy and desire to do other stuff--take on new projects at work and at home, talk more to people (sounds trivial, but I had really become a hermit of few words), and the biggy: deal with my failing marriage. My house and garden are still a mess, but I feel at least I'm placing energy in solving a huge problem (the marriage).

Normally I have been able to separate my difficulties from my work/school life. There are times in which the depression has interfered and I've had to drop a class. Aside from that, school has always kept me grounded. I have always been very academic, and the thought of not going to school horrifies me. Being a T is my dream. It has been for years. When I am working with clients, even at the level I am at now, I completely transform. I am in my element. I get nervous that my junk will interfere with what I am trying to do. I have reason to. There was a time in which my panic attacks got so bad that I could barely do anything. It's hard not to dwell on that and be fearful it will happen again. I guess I have also kind of accepted who I am for the time being-- and whether or not that is going to change as a result of therapy, it is what it is for now. So I need to live besides that. My husband asked me today if I have any concerns, should I get accepted to doctoral school in the fall. My only concern is if I fall into a depression or a severe anxiety episode and that it would interfere with my work. The other stuff-- the disconnection, the hurt, the SI, whatever.... it exists, but I can work alongside of it. The depression and the anxiety interfere with my ability to work hard. And I hate that. Otherwise, I can't imagine what would stop me. There's me and there's doctoral school-- just because I am a bit of a mess doesn't mean the two of us won't get along swimmingly.