Couch 95: No title required

Whew just hung up from talking with t and it was the.best.session.ever.

Wow. All I can say is wow. We got to something very deep today. She said she'd been expecting me to call for an appointment because she had a sense that I was in a push-pull kind of place with all of this and she was right. I was, and I still am, and we talked about that some too, I said that I'd been wrestling with letting our goodbye last month BE goodbye, part of me wanted to part of me didn't because I still have so much work to do, then I had that onslaught of dreams which seemed to say to me "HELLO! Call for an appointment!" So I finally did. I told her that the relentless dreaming did not really surprise me in that regard, coming right after seeing her in person again last month, because that kinda re-invigorated my drive to do this inner work. She asked me if our spending time together last month a bit outside of the therapeutic context changed things for me. I said no, it didn't, and I meant that, already before that I felt the push-pull of needing to get 'out there' on my own and was wanting to end. I don't need therapy anymore, we've both been clear on that, but there's a part of me that still wants this - the analysis part, the dream work especially, the working deeply in the unconscious, with a t who consistently is still doing her own work - I want to do this work, I want to be bold with myself and just commit to the idea of having a therapist or analyst or someone along those lines for the foreseeable future and likely for the rest of my life. And that will mean at some point finding a different t of course, and I am for the first time allowing myself to think about that in a positive, growth kind of way.

And we talked some about my recent issues with h, how I don't feel like I can be myself at home, and through our discussion on that topic it became clear to me that it's MY stuff making me feel that way, not so much h or anyone else. That was kinda painful. She said that when one partner does this kind of work, not all relationships will survive it, and that is something I need to think about.

I also shared with her about the reiki training from over the weekend and my feelings and goals where that is concerned, and we talked about that a little too and how doing that kind of work is using my animus (which one of the dreams since May 30 was kind of about, I realized as we were talking about it.) I took lots of notes today and know where I am going to be focusing my inner work for the next 2 weeks. I scheduled another appointment and I think I'm going to continue (again). Jeez, I need to just stop quitting and get over myself and commit once and for all to being a therapy lifer.

I must say it again: best.session.ever. !!

Art, I love reading your therapy updates

Thanks JS! It was something else today. I just love when she laughs with me like she does, because I can totally feel that she's been there and knows... y'know?

Hi, my name is Art, and I am a therapy lifer.

There, now that wasn't so hard, was it?

My name is Lola and I am in denial of my need for life therapy.....

me too

I was trying my hardest to be in denial about it but my dreams wouldn't leave me alone..... well, that plus I have a very patient and tenacious (in a good way) t.
eta: sometimes I really have to wonder why in the world she continues putting up with me.

So can't decided if my T is really right for me. I am starting to think about quitting therapy but I am scared to take that leap. Maybe I just need a different T. I just don't know.

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Cuz i dont think im gonna be done with therapy, i will probably croak before i get my shyte together

I'm sure I'll still be in therapy in the afterlife.

Well, there's always that!

come to think of it, my t did sound awfully excited today about my perceived predicament.

Unlimited hours, no boundaries, and baristas!

There ya go!!

Just was outside looking at the sky, there's a storm coming you can smell it and feel it in the air, I'm ready for you monsoon! We can use the rain here. For those in areas where you've been getting too much rain, I hope our monsoon will take some of the pressure off y'all and pull the rain here.

Ack Ack Ack.
Now I am going to be having nightmares.

.....only for those who WANT to enter that area, of course.

A Dos Equis commercial I hadn't seen before... "the most interesting man in the world" ones. "Therapists open up to him." bwahahaha that made me laugh out loud.

Helloooo! Just pasing through on way to my online course. I am nowhere near ready for this semester.

My son just came out of his room and said that he is so angry and he doesn't know why and he doesn't know what to do with it. I asked him what's wrong and he said "I don't know." Then I pushed a little more and he said "I don't want to say because you'll cry." Oh boy, worst mom ever feelings again. Dealt with them, took a deep breath, and said "Please tell me, I want to help if I can." He said "I hate not having any money for things I want. I don't feel like you and Dad take seriously that I am in this music thing for the long haul." I told him that we do know, actually, his Dad & I talk often about how good he's getting and how impressed we are. And I said son, I wish I was independently wealthy so I could just buy you whatever equipment you want. But life doesn't work that way. Most of us have to work for the money to buy things. He said "I know. I also hate that I feel this way." He's working so hard this summer in the college course he's taking, he got I think like 5 A's and 2 B's in mostly honors classes this past semester in school, and I want to reward him for his hard work, so we're not going to ask him to help pay for his insurance right now... I don't think he realizes just how much money that is, having him on our insurance. He's actually going to get paid for taking this class, part of the program he's in at school, but he won't get paid until the end of the class. We already forwarded him part of what he's going to get so he would have gas money to get to and from the college. His Dad & I have been discussing getting him a new bass for his birthday in November, but he doesn't know that of course. He and a couple of his friends have a band now, part of the problem is these friends have wealthy parents who basically buy them whatever they want, so my son's equipment doesn't measure up because we are not wealthy. I understand how he feels, I totally do, because my first roommate in college - her parents sent her money ALL the time and she was always buying things and going out to eat and partying and I couldn't do any of that. My grandfather had put money in a savings account starting the day I was born on every holiday, every birthday, and by the time I was ready for college I had most of the money to pay for it, I worked for my spending money. So I get it, I do. But I don't know how to help him through this. I know in the long run he's going to be a much more responsible and successful adult because he's NOT being handed everything on a silver platter. But still... I want to be able to do something special for him because I am so proud of the young man that he is. He's dealing with his feelings, getting himself over it, he said he knows he should be thankful because we're letting him drive... etc. It's tough having a teenager isn't it? After the class is done, he'll be able to work part time machining parts in the shop at school for one of the local companies (again part of the program he got into) but he won't get paid for any of that work until he graduates. And then he gets 2 years of college paid for as well. Sorry couch I really needed to get that out. H is watching a baseball game (what's new) so he's useless to try to talk to about it at the moment. Thanks for listening.

I was wondering who the unlucky t in the afterlife was going to be! he'll do!! Dos equis at session? Is stopdog still complaining?? At least its the most interesting man in the world - top of the heap, cream of the crop!

Art, it's just awesome that your son is able to have that kind of conversation with you. Best mom ever!

I think we figured it out! Love it!

Ack - no beer around a therapist. That only leads to trouble. If I don't advocate drinking and contacting the therapist - surely drinking while near one of them cannot be advisable.