Couch 95: No title required

Dear MicroManaging Boss - I can't deal with your **** today! Gah. Sometimes I wish I could get angry and tell people how I really feel instead of just writing it out and then feeling bad I wrote something negative.

Morning couch.

Eeek-micromanaging boss? I once had one of those. There is no changing them either with earned trust. Sorry!!!

No there isn't, it's frustrating. Especially when he doubts what I do but not to toot my own horn but I'm damn good at my job and it feels like he doesn't think I'm capable of it. If I were to quit they would be in a world of hurt. Oh, well. I ignore him for the most part and continue on to keep this ship afloat.

Watching Welsh noir on Netflix and trying to formulate a letter for T, to drop off in his mailbox tomorrow. I probably shouldn't. (The letter thing, I mean.)

DD1 knocked the pins out from under me this morning at IOP family session. I took a sick day, came home to clean, expecting the police and DSS to drop by.

When will she ever be finished telling her story? Every revelation is "that's all, that's the worst." Then time passes and she gets to a better place, and there's a new revelation. I'm wondering why she can't trust me and feeling every inch a failure.

Thanks for listening couch

Afternoon, couch.

Well, I came home from C's and ate leftovers from Chili's earlier in the week for lunch. Then I watched some TV with M-A (the lady who I live with). Yes, I should have spent that TV time cleaning, but it was probably good for me to be a little it social.

I got a call from the store manager at CVS about 2pm (not the pharmacy manager) saying that the front end of the store was short tonight as their person called out sick and asking if I could fill in tonight 4-11. I declined and explained that I need a night to get personal things done. I don't want to over work myself. And front store is all cashier, I don't know if I could handle 7 hours on a register. In the pharmacy it is data enrty, register, counting pills, and things like that for the whole shift, so it is more varied. Plus, if someone asked me where a front store item was, I would have no clue what aisle it would be on to help them find it. I would rather just stick to my pharmacy duties. Sure the extra money would be nice, but not for the stress it would cause. I need to take care of my well-being. Now, if I was asked to cover a couple extra hours in the pharmacy, I'd be right there...just not front store.

I did end up getting a little cleaning done after TV time. I pack up one bag of garbage and took it out to the can. I just need to get some more done now. Doing it a little (maybe too little) at a time.

I keep getting anxious that T is going to make me quit therapy before I am ready. He is not one of those 'supportive' type therapists and says he doesn't continue therapy with people who are not actively seeking to change. Once a client has achieved his or her goals, he expects and encourages that person to terminate. So. I know that I am working on changing and he is not kicking me out anytime soon, but I get anxious that he will decide I have made all the changes I can and want me to quit before I feel like I have really acquired the skills I need to maintain a change. Does that make sense? Like my parents not letting me keep the training wheels on my bike because they decided I was taking too long and could really do it without the wheels. All of my life, people have assumed that I am stronger and more capable than I am.

Stupid weird concern at this point because I absolutely know he isn't going to want to terminate when I am still struggling with bouts of suicidal depression.

((MKAC))

You need your T to promise to let you decide when you are ready to quit.

Have you spelled it out like that?

I was a great believer in spelling out what I wanted.
Madame T was a great believer in saying no.

More of the awesomeness that is Weird Al.

Healing powers

That cartoon is exactly what is happening for me now. My ancient cat is lying on my chest purring. Feeling better with her there.

The cat I have now is not much of a lap cat. He sometimes likes to lie on my ankles if we are in bed. He cuddles more with one of the dogs.

My pup is laying like that on me right now. He knows it's been a long hard day for his mamma.

Good morning, couch. I did write a letter to T. I'll drop it off in his office mailbox on my way to work. Or maybe I'll chicken out. I'm a little afraid of offending him.

[edited to add: I did drop it off. Gaaaaah.]

Hello couch, long time no see!

I wish I had a cat or dog companion, but I don't anymore. The neighborhood cat visits frequently, sleeps the night in my bed and just generally soaks up the warmth from my ducted heating a few times a week.

Haven't slept properly in over a week, got lots going on and can't seem to settle. Hope it wears off soon. Any suggestions for keeping restlessness away while trying to sleep?

Edit: That's me who can't keep still or sleep, not the cat

One more exam to give and grade, submit final grades, get a few more check-out signatures and my school year is over. Woohoo!! Oh, and there's that little task of boarding a school bus at 11:15 this morning for the trip down to Austin for the State Softball Tournament!!! Woohoo!! Hopefully I'll be making that trip two days in a row. (I must be insane to be looking forward to a potential total of 20 hours on a school bus with a crowd of 17-18 year olds.) I'll report in tomorrow about how the game goes today.

Hey TWF, good to see you

I listen to audiobooks, I find that can help me go to sleep. Especially poetry. I have a recording of Canterbury Tales (in modern English) which I've been listening to, off and on, for years

Morning couch. I am at C's waiting for him to fully wake up. He's still lying in bed saying 5 more minutes when I go and rouse him. Typical teen.

I ended up falling asleep early last night and no more cleaning was done. Bad Squirrel. I don't know why I am procrastinating on it so much. Hopefully, I will tackle it today.

Well, I need to find my charger. Phone is almost dead. Hopefully I didn't leave it at home. Then to check on the boy.

I'm having to actively stop myself from running over to T's office (it's less than 10 minutes' walk from my workplace) and retrieving the letter from his mailbox. What prevents me is mainly the thought of what if I were to meet him.... Thing is, he doesn't even work on Fridays, but I think he might still go there to pick up his mail. Or maybe he won't. Maybe it will lie there all weekend. I wish I'd asked him to txt me when he got it, but I didn't want to impose on him.

Why all this silly anxiety? What's wrong with me??

Thanks, Mast. I like your ideas - I have a relaxation app I haven't tried in a while, so will give the guided visual meditation a go.

I love the cartoon! Hehe

I know the feeling of wanting to take back an email I'd sent, but it's always worked out for me not being able to. It might be useful to examine what specifically your anxious about - the topic, a certain aspect of the letter, etc. Examining like that has helped me in the past.

Boy is up and dressed. Still declining breakfast. He doesn't like to eat when he first gets up.

He has just been watching TV. Paw Patrol just went off. Cute show. I had never seen it before.

Well, I should divert my attention back to the boy.

Morning couch.

Got severely triggered in T yesterday. Took me quite a long time to come out of it and now I'm even more exhausted today than I have been. Therapy is hard.

T wants me to get a full med workup done (not currently on any) as she thinks it will help with some symptoms of anxiety to help work through the rest of the stuff. I'm conflicted about the topic of medication and or letting someone else "know" about me even if it is their job it's still scary.

The mister is coming into town this weekend spur of the moment, so that'll be nice - I think. Just a lot in my head that I cannot seem to find the appropriate file boxes for. Hope everyone is doing well and hugs to those who aren't.

Anyone have fun plans for the weekend?

Hey, Art want to write me a dream interpretation? - haha :/

I don't like to eat when I first get up either.

I can't eat in the mornings either.