What a horrid few days! I was so speedied up that I got my house sparking from top to bottom!! I've felt like so many people, so strange in my own body, so alien.

Felt like a chick trying to hatch itself out of its shell and all I could do was sit and wait.

I just picked up my journal and pen and wrote the following. written with such speed and with my eyes blurred, not from tears but from a dissocated blurredness, where it feels like you are the body for smoeone else that is trying to communicate, once it was out its like all my mania stopped, soothed.....:

"No matter what anyone does today it cannot change the past. Know matter how much T stays with me, or anyone stays with me, it doesn't change the times I was abandoned, It doesn't make the past go away.

Some how I need to look at the past, ignore what I can't control todoay but really see how powerless I was.

The fact I was placed with new parents by people I never knew. Remember that awful day mum told me about it. It doesn''t matter if T sat with me 24/7, that doesn't help the child inside, she needs to come out now, needs to talk about how it was.

T being there now doesn't change the past, that part of me is trying to carry T with her and rescure her, physically that can't be done, she was alone when she experienced that stuff.

History cannot be changed, I've run from that state lf aloneness trying to make it all better by getting people to "see" me now. I can never go back, I have to accept I ws alone then, that I feel angry at T because she wasn't there then.

I feel I want to acccuse T of not caring, but how could she? Shew wasn't there, so who am I really accusing? My mothers? They were there, they did this, they didn't care, and I was alone with that.

Its a lot to tak in, to understand, that as a child I had to deal wiht such big issues alone! How the hell did I do this? I never had the adult part of me that i have now? maybe I'm angry at myself too?

But I did the best I could with what I had. I'm angry my mothers dumped their %#@&#! on me, I'm angry I had that happen. It doesn't matter how many firends and help I have now, it wasn't happening then! I needed someone, that someone wasn't there! Mums abandoned me how dare they do that!!"

[SecretGarden]

Thank you for sharing all of this Mouse. I am glad that your house is sparkley and hope that some of that sparkley will spread to your other world in the way of hope. It really sucked Mouse. How alone and scared you must have been and so sad. I am sorry. Keep working it through though... I am beginning to know it still hangs out to a degree for life....though we hope to lessen it's power on us.

I have missed you here while you were sparkling and stuff.

This list is a keeper for all that you have experienced and shows your journey. I hope also that you will make a list and revise it suitably over time as you have better days of all that you have done with your life and know that you are a survivor. Roar Mouse.

[Perna]

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mouse_ said:
Its a lot to tak in, to understand, that as a child I had to deal wiht such big issues alone! How the hell did I do this? I never had the adult part of me that i have now? maybe I'm angry at myself too?

But I did the best I could with what I had. I'm angry my mothers dumped their %#@&#! on me, I'm angry I had that happen. It doesn't matter how many firends and help I have now, it wasn't happening then! I needed someone, that someone wasn't there! Mums abandoned me how dare they do that!!"

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But then, isn't now, either. You still had "you" whether adult or child and that was enough because here you are now, albeit battered and bruised, but you are here.

The literal hard stuff has passed, it's just the "coursework" of therapy and the mental and emotional understanding you have to work through now. The sparklies are "easy" to live through after what you went through before. I think you're doing great.

I see what your saying Perna, but the then does still reside inside of me and has a greater hold on me then the present. At times I feel as If I am back in the past. I can't just "see" as then and now, its still or mish mashed up. Each time I take a couple of steps backwards, I know I go forward again, but the past really still does have a hold on my "today". At times in therapy its not a feeling of just working through, its like I'm fighting to just remain in the here and now..as far as my insiders are concerned, its really still happening..if this makes sense??? I guess thats why I feel so up in the air at times...I'm on one hand here in the present with my family but inside my insiders are awake and dealing with all the old stuff which to them is happening now. Its like living on to time lines..sometimes different insiders are in the dominant role then the %#@&#! hits the fan :-(

[Perna]

I think I understand what you're saying; I use to feel like someone had suddenly grabbed me by the back of my shirt (blouse?) and yanked me back 45-50 years sometimes. It was very disorienting and scary. I was always afraid I wouldn't be able to "come back" to the present but I always did. Sometimes grounding would help, if I could get "interested" in something in the here-and-now, see the "normality" of the present day. I use to go out and watch the cars pass in the street or, literally, touch a tree, wander down to the nearest convenience store and buy something small/inane, etc. Once when someone, not my T, called to tell me my T wouldn't be back for the next session like she'd thought she was, just rubbing my hands over the material of the couch and "registering" its color and presence saved me there.

[SecretGarden]

Perna.... Do you never feel this way anymore...even in difficult times?

I think I go through phases of feeling fine and whap....

[withit]

Mouse, I so could've written what you did in your journal! Whoa!
I remember the time I came to the realization that ''my therapist cannot rescue me'' from the past. (I used to think that being with her twice a week she was gonna rescue me....).

The first dream I had with t in it was a scene in which (abuse) occurred and t was sitting there in the living room (in my childhood home) and did not intervene! Did not stop the (abuse)!

You need to self-nurture as much as you can...I know it can be difficult with the responsibilites of wife and mother....but it goes a long way in soothing the inner child...a massage...a stroll in the mall....a walk in the botanical garden....whatever soothes you....

Take gentle care,