I don't want to cry

msjblonde · Jun 16, 2015, 06:12 AM

Scarlet, I just feel so much for you, I can see how difficult all of this is.

I wonder though if the real issue here is the actual opening of the package and not necessarily who is there or what their reaction is likely to be? I wonder if the emotion is actually about the item itself and what it represents for you. Also, the finality of the opening of the package, this is in effect the final piece of the puzzle in the relationship with your ex T so there are bound to be lots of emotions around that. Is the desire to delay the opening of the package about some of these things? or is it really about your Ts latest email?

musinglizzy · Jun 16, 2015, 07:12 AM

Thinking about it some more, I think I can see where the T is coming from. Actually, if I remember right, wasn't your XT NOT going to give you these things as originally promised? And new T helped you to get them by trying to work with your XT? If so, I suppose new T could feel like she has some interest in these items because without her, you might not have gotten them. If it's possible (if I remember correctly) that it is partly because of new T that you got these items, I can see why she wants to be a part of opening them.

ScarletPimpernel · Jun 16, 2015, 10:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

Thinking about it some more, I think I can see where the T is coming from. Actually, if I remember right, wasn't your XT NOT going to give you these things as originally promised? And new T helped you to get them by trying to work with your XT? If so, I suppose new T could feel like she has some interest in these items because without her, you might not have gotten them. If it's possible (if I remember correctly) that it is partly because of new T that you got these items, I can see why she wants to be a part of opening them.

You are correct. New T was able to convince ex-T to give me these things. Not only that, ex-T requested that new T be present when I open it. Both are worried about my reaction. Remember, new T barely knows me. She knows that I have struggled immensely with this loss and that I have required stitches for my SI. To them it is a safety concern. And I agree it's a safety concern about the letter, not the object.

musinglizzy · Jun 16, 2015, 10:12 AM

Interesting that xT requested new T be there when you opened it. I think, since she knows you well, she probably has your best interest in mind. If you said that before, I missed it. If you both agreed new T would be there, I probably would do it that way. Sounds like it was a requirement for her giving you these things?

ScarletPimpernel · Jun 16, 2015, 10:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

I'm sorry if this is out of line (because I fear it might sound that way, mostly because I don't know the whole of your relationship with this t beyond what I've read in this thread) and I apologize if that is the case. It's not meant in any way to be disparaging or with judgement, just Something to think about and accept or reject, as appropriate.

From an outside perspective, you are setting up a dangerous dynamic with this t. You are already placing her in a position of great power over your actions. I'm not sure how much of it she is encouraging, or if it's something you do almost instinctively (I know I've automatically done similar things with certain people in my life, so I know the instinctive part can take over). As so many others have pointed out, you are giving her a lot of power over something very meaningful to you. If there is a safety concern around all this, I can see the benefits of holding off to open it in her presence (if opening it would potentially be so destabilizing that you would do something impulsive or dangerous after opening it and without reaching out), then there's merit to forcing yourself to wait, but I'm not getting that sense from this post. It would also make sense to open it in her presence if she provided some insulating factor (also mentioned above), but you say you don't trust her enough yet to get that.
I'm guessing t will not become angry and punitive (as a controlling parent might) if you choose to take the power back from her by opening the gift on your own. I think it might actually be quite empowering to make the decision and act on it without seeking her approval. her response to your email does not strike me as angry or upset in any way. I think there's a fair amount of transference or projection in your reaction to all this...
if she really is demanding you open it with her, I would consider another t. Even with safety being an issue, you are an adult who currently has freedom of choice.

You're not out of line, and I do see your concern. I would agree with your concern except that this whole thing (ex-T abandoning me, T shopping, new T, grievance, getting the letter and object) has been so complicated.

The comment about transference... I personally hate that term. I am acting towards new T differently because of what ex-T did to me, so maybe that's transference or projection or maybe it's simply me being cautious. But I see new T as herself. There's no other transference.

But yes, I do tend to hand power over to people. This is not something new. Right now I'm putting it off for another week. I want to give new T a chance to discuss all of this. Who knows? Maybe she will be more comforting to me when I cry? Maybe she can't be? Maybe I should let her try to be? Or maybe I'll take my fiance to session so I can get the comfort I need?

I will admit this: I sure caused a bit of drama in my life. But it needed to happen. The more I think about it, this is a good thing for my relationship with new T. We're learning about each other, the boundaries, how each reacts, etc.

And like I responded in the other post, my T does have a concern about my safety. So does ex-T. And I also have a concern, but it's with the letter not the object. Plus, it is because of my T that I even have these things.

ScarletPimpernel · Jun 16, 2015, 10:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

Interesting that xT requested new T be there when you opened it. I think, since she knows you well, she probably has your best interest in mind. If you said that before, I missed it. If you both agreed new T would be there, I probably would do it that way. Sounds like it was a requirement for her giving you these things?

Ex-T wanted new T to be present for both items. New T really wants to be present for letter. I thought I would be opening the object by myself. Guess she wants to be there for that too.

You know though, I just had a thought. What if the object is that book? What if new T knows I'll be excited and not sad? Maybe that's why she wanted me to open it with her, but now said it's my choice?

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I don't want to cry

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