I don't want to cry

I will be opening up the package from my ex-T this Wednesday to see what the object is. I'm so excited and so nervous!

But new T wants me to open it in front of her. This scares me. I'm probably going to cry either happy tears or sad tears or both. But I don't want to cry in front of new T. I have already cried a little in front of her and I was extremely uncomfortable. I felt no empathy, no connection or comfort. We sit so far away from each other and that bothers me. And she didn't even offer a tissue! I have a weird issue with tissues, and it makes me miss ex-T every time I use them.

So I either cry and be uncomfortable or try to suppress my emotions. That sucks though. I want to fully experience opening this package. I want to be allowed to feel whatever it is that I'm feeling. I owe that to myself. But if I feel forced to suppress my emotions, I miss out on this special situation.

I don't know what to do. I do plan on emailing my T tomorrow. There has to be another alternative. Maybe she will be willing to make adjustments to make me more comfortable? Or maybe she'll agree to let me open it on my own? Or is there something different that I could do? Idk!

All I know is that I want the object so badly. The wait is killing me. I touch the package everyday and try to feel what's inside. I hope it's her book that she used to let me borrow. I dream about how much it would mean to possess that. And it would mean ex-T does care and does love me. I want that so bad. Then maybe one day she'll be willing to be in my life again.

I don't want my new T to ruin this for me.

I would not let the therapist dictate how I did something if I wanted to do it another way. I would open the package by myself if I wanted to.

Can you not just tell the new one you will do it the way you want?

I'd just open it. If you felt close to this therapist and wanted to share the experience with her... then that would be fine. But you are not a child and the therapist is not entitled to *make* you wait until your next session. That's just ridiculous of her.

Open it right now! I wouldn't want my T to dictate when I can and can't do something, why should she have that right? If it feels more comfortable for you to open it in private, do it! You can open it, then if you choose, process it during your session. If I were in your shoes, I would want this to be a private moment myself.

This is 100% your deal. If you want to open that package alone then you go ahead and do it. I'm with musinglizzy--open it now!!

I'm eager....
Did you read the letter yet, or does that happen, too, when the object is opened?
Therapy, or anything within it, isn't about what the therapist wants. I assume your T suggests you open it with her so you have support and can process it immediately, but you know your internal resources, and this is very personal to YOU, not your T.... so, yup, it's your deal. Better than Christmas morning! LOL

I don't want to appear negative, but are you prepared if the item is NOT the book you're hoping for? I hope that it IS, but if you're disappointed once again, by your ex T, can you handle it alone?

What about opening it alone, right before your appointment, but early enough so you have your privacy. Then, process it with new T.

I hope you get what you need from the letter and gift.

As others have stated your T is not s.o. who can decide for you. She shouldn't have that power over you. I'd discuss it with her and if I felt like it open the gift in front of her, if I didn't (which is more likely) I wouldn't no matter how she felt about it. It's my life afterall T is paid to be there x hours a week

Yep, I agree with the opening whenever you want to. I especially like rainbow's suggestion of doing it right before session. If it is upsetting/disappointing/bad, you'll get some support soon.

That package would be SO open if it was in my house.....

Hope the object satisfies your needs.

I like the idea of opening it just before I see my T. Well, day of session. If I could have it my way, I'd want to open it in private in my bedroom. I would want to process it and then scream (good or bad) for my fiance. Then I would go to session and talk to T about it. Btw, she already knows what the object is. Ex-T told her.

Actually, what I want can't happen. I would want my ex-T to physically give it to me, and let me cry with her.

Can I handle it if the object is not that book? Well, I will have to handle it at some point. That package will be opened this week. But I'm 99% it's it. It's the same shape and thickness. It can't be copy because they're no longer sold on amazon or the bookstores. And she always said that the object would represent our relationship. She already knows how much that book means to me. Well, if it's not that book, I'll be sobbing and crying it all out on here.

As for the letter: it's also inside the package. But I'm not ready to read it. That will be difficult to handle right now whether it's positive or negative.

Scarlet, hoping so much it's the book! And maybe do what you feel you want to, and open it the morning of therapy, then take the letter to therapy?
Also, can you ask your new T to sit a little closer? She may think she's respecting your boundaries by staying back.

I would open it alone too. Sometimes I need to "process" my real raw feelings alone before I feel comfortable sharing them with anyone.

I emailed my T this morning. I told her I wanted to open my package Wednesday morning. I told her I want to open it alone and experience my feelings and then share those feelings with my fiance. I made a point that we're not at a comfortable place yet to hug, so I want to get hugs from my fiance. Then I would process it with her.

I gave her another option: she change how she reacts to me when I'm crying. I told her I want her to sit closer, speak in a quiet voice, to offer tissue, and to better express care and support via facial expressions and posture.

But I warned her that something might go wrong if I open it in front of her. What if she doesn't act in a way I percieve as caring? It could really affect the relationship. Or what if she can't handle my raw emotions? And then I compared this all to an intimate moment that I don't want to share with someone I don't trust.

I know a lot of you think I should just open it. I don't know why, but I try to please others too often. I wish, in this instance, I could resist it and just do what I want.

I will echo what the others have said - you do what feels right to you. I would not give the power to a therapist to control my actions.

Hopefully your therapist responds like you're hoping with regard to support when you cry. It can't hurt to express what's helpful, even though it's her right to make or not make whatever modifications she feels comfortable with.

Also, I think it's healthy to want your fiance there to support you instead of a brand new therapist. It's not like you're trying to isolate.

I'd be a bit weirded out if my new therapist was already controlling like that.

I think it's GREAT that you told her what your needs are as far as her reaction to your crying. I will not get my needs met in that way, so it tugs at my heartstrings a bit!

Would it help you in any way to open it with your therapist? It just seems like such a very personal thing to me. I think you have a right to your privacy, even in therapy. Sometimes people feel like sharing an emotional experience with their therapists would ease the potential pain, but it doesn't sound to be your case. It's your moment and your grieving - please don't let anyone take that away from you. It's your right to decide when and how to open your package. I hope there's something good and helpful in there!

Now I feel bad... I think I hurt her feelings

Email summary: She thanked me for expressing my concerns. She apologized that I feel like she hasn't been warm enough. She doesn't feel comfortable discussing this (about the object and how she reacts to me) over email, but she does want to talk about it. It's my choice when and where I want to open the package.

Her apologizing is what makes me feel bad. I'm afraid she took what I wrote as a whole and not just about how I feel when I cry. She's a very warm person in general. /sigh I suck at relationships.

Now I feel like I have to put this off for another week. I should have just kept my mouth shut. It's not fair to open it w/o discussing things with her first. And technically, even though I don't want to, I can survive putting it off for another week. I feel worse that I hurt her feelings....

I don't know if it would be helpful. I keep going back to what it possibly is. But no matter what it is, I'm scared of expressing my emotions in front of T. What if I want to scream? Jump for joy? Cry? Want comfort? I always try to control my emotions especially with people I don't know. I don't even express excitement with people I don't really know.

If I knew my T better, then this would probably be something I'd want to share with her. But right now, not really.

Now the letter... I'll be in the similar situation except there will be a benefit of her being present. In that case, I will probably be confused and have a lot of questions and doubts and concerns. While I won't want to express myself to her, I will need her help processing it.

I guess I just wish I knew her better.

I get into the same kinda fixes when i get snail mail or even voice mail from my family. I usually save it to open with my t, so he can protect me from the harmful contents - thats pretty much a given. Thats not the case here, so i see why you are in a quandary. But i wouldnt worry too much about your ts feelings. You are being more than considerate.

Wow. Sorry you feel this way about this whole situation!
I understand why you would feel badly, but you were simply expressing your feelings. You shouldn't have to worry about hurting a T's feelings! Plus what you said was not a personal attack in any way.
That said, I can also understand way a T would not want to discuss it via email, but would prefer to talk it through in person.
However, the way I see it, she just gave you permission to open it. OPEN IT!!

/sigh. I'm going to wait it out a little longer. I think I need to learn how to say no and set boundaries. Who knows what's going to happen.

Idk. Maybe I'll just get it over with and open it with her. I'll wait for Wednesday.

Oh, and she told me I didn't hurt her feelings

Do you still like her and think you can build a good rapport with her?

I do still like her. I know I'm having a lot of difficulty simply because of how things ended with ex-T. It makes me feel like she's a step-mother trying to replace my real mother. Instead I'm betraying ex-T by seeing new T. It's hard to trust her because of what ex-Tdid. It's hard to let her in. And I keep comparing the two and it just makes me miss ex-T.

But, if I try and take ex-T out of the equation and look at only my new T, I think she has the potential to be a great T. It's just growing pains. She doesn't know me and I don't know her. It's only been 9 weeks. She has been helpful so far. And she did get my T to give me the package. I feel a little indebted to her because of that.

She is nice, she seems smart. She uses psycho-dynamic and DBT, as well as, other techniques. She's female and pretty, not scary looking. She's just not as warm as I need her to be when I'm upset.

I'm used to ex-T turning off the lights, leaning forward, whispering, touching my knee or arm, and offering hugs. But it sucks because I'm not ready to be touched by T.

This might sound weird, but I think this whole drama is a good sign. It shows that I care enough to say something and I'm wanting more from her. It also shows I'm trusting her because I spoke up and yet don't fear any repercussions. And I have been thinking about her daily and look forward to seeing her. Maybe I'm finally developing more of a connection? That or it's all pure coincidence.

Well, the good news is that I have no desire to quit this T yet.

I'm sorry if this is out of line (because I fear it might sound that way, mostly because I don't know the whole of your relationship with this t beyond what I've read in this thread) and I apologize if that is the case. It's not meant in any way to be disparaging or with judgement, just Something to think about and accept or reject, as appropriate.

From an outside perspective, you are setting up a dangerous dynamic with this t. You are already placing her in a position of great power over your actions. I'm not sure how much of it she is encouraging, or if it's something you do almost instinctively (I know I've automatically done similar things with certain people in my life, so I know the instinctive part can take over). As so many others have pointed out, you are giving her a lot of power over something very meaningful to you. If there is a safety concern around all this, I can see the benefits of holding off to open it in her presence (if opening it would potentially be so destabilizing that you would do something impulsive or dangerous after opening it and without reaching out), then there's merit to forcing yourself to wait, but I'm not getting that sense from this post. It would also make sense to open it in her presence if she provided some insulating factor (also mentioned above), but you say you don't trust her enough yet to get that.
I'm guessing t will not become angry and punitive (as a controlling parent might) if you choose to take the power back from her by opening the gift on your own. I think it might actually be quite empowering to make the decision and act on it without seeking her approval. her response to your email does not strike me as angry or upset in any way. I think there's a fair amount of transference or projection in your reaction to all this...
if she really is demanding you open it with her, I would consider another t. Even with safety being an issue, you are an adult who currently has freedom of choice.