[ThingWithFeathers]

I guess I'm interested in what actions your t takes or words your t says to encourage or discourage attachment and/or dependency.

I think my t encourages it by using self disclosure, reliability in responding to all emails I send and calls I make, checking in on me during hard times, accepting my home made gifts and, well ... a few other things too.

I'm interested to hear what your experience has been.

[Leah123]

My T seems to just follow my lead as far as honoring and meeting my requests whenever she can.

[ruh roh]

I have no sense of it. Our interactions feel really normal. There's no sense of being "treated," although I'm sure she's very aware of maintaining a balanced dynamic where I know what to count on. She has said emails help her understand me better, but she's not pursuing an attachment; at the same time, she doesn't push me away if I get insecure because of other losses/departures. I think it's more like how Leah describes her experience.

I honestly don't see this as an active factor in my therapy. We interact pretty much very naturally. I don't see my therapist as encouraging or discouraging anything in regards to him because my therapy really is about him; my therapy is about me. So, whatever he does in regards to working with me is simply with my well-being and healing in mind. What he does isn't designed to foster or discourage attachment or dependency, it is designed to be supportive and effective in my therapy.

[stopdog]

I don't know if it would be considered encouraging dependence. The first one has said she thinks I am not attached enough to people in general and that I should be attached to her - she got overly excited the one time I made an additional appointment in the same week.

The second has not mentioned it except to say - when I asked if she thought I had a problem with not being attached enough (based on accusations by the first) that it would make sense if I did. She stopped short of the conclusion. She has encouraged calling etc between appointments but I have only tried it 5-6 times in about 4.5 years. I am not sure what it is supposed to do.

She explores it.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Not sure that my work with my T is that specific when it comes to attachment or dependency. My T encourages me to contact her outside of session, especially when I'm really struggling. I don't think she necessarily wants me to be dependent on her and for the most part, that hasn't happened. There are some things that only my T knows, but that's because I don't feel comfortable sharing those things with even my closest friends. I think that I feel some attachment to her, but it's born out of the 6 year relationship we have, more than anything that T has tried to encourage.

Generally, my T just tries to connect with me in ways that are helpful. She encourages me to reach out to my friends when I'm struggling, but she also encourages me to contact her. She knows that I get different things from difference people, and so she tries to get me to have as many resources as I need.

[Chummy]

I'm not sure if my T encourages or discourages attachment or dependency. I don't think we have really talked about that. She does encourages me to reach out to other people in my life, like my mom. I need to trust other people and see that they won't leave me if I tell them personal things about myself.

[musinglizzy]

In the first 9 months of therapy, I think it's pretty safe to say my T encouraged it. Very much so. She answered every email and text, she was quite physical with me (holding, providing a shoulder to cry on, prolonged hugs), she disclosed quite a bit, and she told me she loved me. That all came to a screeching halt and now, the touch is gone (except for a quick hug at the end,) she no longer holds me or gives she a shoulder, she leaves plenty of Emails unanswered, and she discloses very little. As far as taking the touch away, she said she didn't want to do it for too long, because it could promote dependency. I told her I wasn't dependent on it and she said "I know, that's why you don't need it!" I went from feeling extremely close to my T, having an excellent connection with her, to flying around in midair with nothing to grab onto. I've been trying to get that connection back, as has she, but I'm still having a hard time. I thought by disclosing things I've never told anyone, that would make it easier to find that connection again...and sometimes I feel more connected than others. She has been trying to help me get that connection back as well, but I have a hard time not knowing what's around the next corner. I'm so afraid she will add more boundaries without telling me she is. I need to trust her again. I WANT to trust her again. We work GREAT together...when we work!

[RedSun]

My T hasn't encouraged or discouraged. She told me after a few sessions that I can email. When I have, which is quite rare, she says she's pleased that I did. But she doesn't actively encourage it, or other contact. She has told me that something comes 'from her care' but we don't hug etc. Therapy is about other stuff, for me.

I don't think my T does anything to encourage or discourage. She has made no self disclosures. I have never contacted her outside sessions and we have never discussed that. She sticks firmly to 50 minutes.

[Coco3]

I think my T created attachment at the beginning. I could call and email between sessions and he'd always respond in a short period of time. He was always very supportive, in and out of session. He wanted to create a safe place for me to open up. That gave me the positive experience I needed to open up to other people too. Later on in therapy he encouraged me to call or email him less and reach out more to my friends and family.

In short: he created attachment to make me independent. And that worked out really great.

I don't know. I have no desire, interest, need, want or obsession to have dependency or attachment. It's not something I think about.

[LonesomeTonight]

Not sure what the intention was of either my T or my marriage counselor, but whatever they did, I'm attached to them, particularly MC. I think he may have inadvertently encouraged an attachment and dependency and now is trying to disengage from that. Which is very hard because it seems kind of sudden and I don't think I'm ready.

I think T is just more of a natural attachment built over time and support.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Coco3

I think my T created attachment at the beginning. I could call and email between sessions and he'd always respond in a short period of time. He was always very supportive, in and out of session. He wanted to create a safe place for me to open up. That gave me the positive experience I needed to open up to other people too. Later on in therapy he encouraged me to call or email him less and reach out more to my friends and family.

In short: he created attachment to make me independent. And that worked out really great.

How did you deal with him encouraging you to call or e-mail less? Did he discuss the whole process with you when that was happening? Was it gradual? Just curious...since it turned out well for you.

[ruh roh]

The therapist prior to my current one told me she cared, but didn't want to make it personal. I told this to my current therapist and when I finished, we both said at the same time, "So why even bother saying it?"

I don't know if the previous one was trying to discourage anything, but whatever it was, she succeeded in leaving me feeling confused and chilled. Honestly tho, there was no reason to even say it.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

The therapist prior to my current one told me she cared, but didn't want to make it personal. I told this to my current therapist and when I finished, we both said at the same time, "So why even bother saying it?"

I don't know if the previous one was trying to discourage anything, but whatever it was, she succeeded in leaving me feeling confused and chilled. Honestly tho, there was no reason to even say it.

That's such a good point you both made. Why would someone tell you they care but then say it's not personal? Caring is in of itself, personal. It doesn't mean you're best friends or in love, it means you have a relationship or some kind. You can't and shouldn't "make" someone attach to you - some will and some won't. You can encourage someone to depend too much on you. The dependence a baby has is very different anything we have with our Ts- they are not able to do anything for themselves. As soon as a baby is developmentally able, parents begin to foster a certain amount of independence. Just like the post that mentioned the baby who cries it out. It's not done with newborns and it's not done with the intent to dismiss or be cruel to the child. Its encouraging the baby to foster it's own skill set and to self sooth. It's an important skill that some kids really have trouble with. comparing therapy to a parent infant relationship is tricky since even though a lot of people missed this bonding with parents, they are still developmentally beyond the point of allowing dependence. A T should know the difference between between sincere caring/attachment and dependence. They are not the same thing and some Ts reallh seem to struggle with this the same ways some parents do.

[msxyz]

Originally Posted by Lauliza

That's such a good point you both made. Why would someone tell you they care but then say it's not personal? Caring is in of itself, personal. It doesn't mean you're best friends or in love, it means you have a relationship or some kind. You can't and shouldn't "make" someone attach to you - some will and some won't. You can encourage someone to depend too much on you. The dependence a baby has is very different anything we have with our Ts- they are not able to do anything for themselves. As soon as a baby is developmentally able, parents begin to foster a certain amount of independence. Just like the post that mentioned the baby who cries it out. It's not done with newborns and it's not done with the intent to dismiss or be cruel to the child. Its encouraging the baby to foster it's own skill set and to self sooth. It's an important skill that some kids really have trouble with. comparing therapy to a parent infant relationship is tricky since even though a lot of people missed this bonding with parents, they are still developmentally beyond the point of allowing dependence. A T should know the difference between between sincere caring/attachment and dependence. They are not the same thing and some Ts reallh seem to struggle with this the same ways some parents do.

I made that comment to illustrate how some therapist are at the extreme end of avoiding anything resembling dependency to the point of even withholding any reassurance which is so contrived it doesn't even remotely resemble an authentic relationship. That to me is the equivalent of letting a newborn scream until it vomits, no scaffolding whatsoever. Nobody is perfect, we as fallible humans can never be a 100 % responsive so life itself will provide adequate frustration motivating people to grow beyond one person to depend on because one person can never be enough.

[PinkFlamingo99]

I think attachment is fine and a certain amount of dependency, but if they ask for it they have to be prepared to protect you. It's a huge risk for people who struggle anyway.

I think my ex-T encouraged/created majorly unhealthy depencency and put me at risk when she hurt me.

[ThingWithFeathers]

My t has never spoken of it either - we don't really discuss our relationship. But there are things she says and does that make me feel like she's okay with me depending on and attaching to her. She offers extra help and is the top on my list of people to call when I need support.

[Whiteroses02]

I think there is only one area that I "depend" on my therapist and that ishaving her as the only outlet to talk about my csa. She's the only perso in my life that I've told. I've made it very clear that I'm unwilling to tell anyone else. She is very patient with that but when the topic does come up she gently encourages me to think about talking to my husband about this topic. Someday maybe, but until then she is willing to give me that safe space of therapy to depend on her for this topic. Actually she's taking a break for a few months and actively looking for short term coverage and knows and respects that I'm very conflicted about whether I am even willing to let the new theraoist in on my secret.

[divine1966]

She neither encourages nor discourages it. Dependency and attachments don't come up as topics ( well they do but not in regards to a therapist).
She is reliable so in that sense she is dependable. But that's a given

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Sarah1985]

We have never talked about it, but she shares some personal stuff, and encourages me to text, call or email her between sessions if I need to. I feel this really helps though, because I shut down a lot during session and can't share what I need to. So, I don't know..

[Coco3]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

How did you deal with him encouraging you to call or e-mail less? Did he discuss the whole process with you when that was happening? Was it gradual? Just curious...since it turned out well for you.

At first, I found it really hard. He was easy to talk to, I trusted him and knew he was always supportive. But I knew I had to learn to reach out to others too, that's what I wanted to learn. I knew I couldn't lean on my T forever.

Yes, we talked about it a lot. Because it was of such importance to me and because it was scary. I could still email and call him all the time, he didn't cut back on that. I might have even called or emailed him more at times, because I wanted to share how it went, either positive or negative. I remember one time I was overwhelmed, in a good way. I had all these feelings I'd never felt before, I felt so happy and strong. I just needed to tell him that, I was so grateful at that moment.

Because of his support, the tools he gave me, I changed and I was ready to move on. Unfortenately, that's when I discovered the downside of the attachment. I had a hard time breaking lose. I learned I could only do that by not having my safety net anymore. I needed to end therapy in order to move on.

I think I've done the most work after therapy. It's like driving when you've finally gotten your permit. That's when you really learn. Recently when I was struggling with all kinds of things and I almost reached out to my T. I didn't think I could do it without his help. But I did, it was the "perfect" situation to do my homework. I reached out to several friends for help and I got through it. I was so proud of myself. I could do it because of what my T had taught me, and because I could still feel his encouragement, his love, his support.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Coco3

At first, I found it really hard. He was easy to talk to, I trusted him and knew he was always supportive. But I knew I had to learn to reach out to others too, that's what I wanted to learn. I knew I couldn't lean on my T forever.

Yes, we talked about it a lot. Because it was of such importance to me and because it was scary. I could still email and call him all the time, he didn't cut back on that. I might have even called or emailed him more at times, because I wanted to share how it went, either positive or negative. I remember one time I was overwhelmed, in a good way. I had all these feelings I'd never felt before, I felt so happy and strong. I just needed to tell him that, I was so grateful at that moment.

Because of his support, the tools he gave me, I changed and I was ready to move on. Unfortenately, that's when I discovered the downside of the attachment. I had a hard time breaking lose. I learned I could only do that by not having my safety net anymore. I needed to end therapy in order to move on.

I think I've done the most work after therapy. It's like driving when you've finally gotten your permit. That's when you really learn. Recently when I was struggling with all kinds of things and I almost reached out to my T. I didn't think I could do it without his help. But I did, it was the "perfect" situation to do my homework. I reached out to several friends for help and I got through it. I was so proud of myself. I could do it because of what my T had taught me, and because I could still feel his encouragement, his love, his support.

Thanks for responding. I've thought this before from your posts, but you really had a great T!