[coldnovemberrain]

Browsing thru the forums, i have come across posts where after either a rupture...or termination , some ppl still want to work with the same T. they send emails to take them back...or have more sessions...or plead thier cases etc.

why? when u know T no longer is interested in working with you..or you are not a good fit...why do you want to go back?
what will be different this time around?

[ThingWithFeathers]

I've not experienced a rupture or termination, so I can't say with any certainty. But ... it could be to do with an attachment. When we become attached to someone, including t, I think we're willing to put up with things because the relationship is so important to us. You can care about someone while, at the same time, dislike what they have done or said. Idk, just an idea.

TWF is spot on with regard to the attachment issue, and also, you invest a lot in the therapeutic relationship. It is hard to walk away from that and start again. You could say the same for any relationship that isn't working, it's hard to say goodbye for ever and walk away from the good aspects of the relationship. The therapeutic relationship is complicated and can get messy. It isn't black and white.

I also think that a rupture/disagreement/conflict doesn't have to mean an ending. In fact, that seems to be the default anymore (generally speaking): you have a conflict? Run. When in fact, most conflicts can be discussed, resolved, accepted, moved beyond in life.

I do think if the conflicts are constant, irreconcilable, blatantly unethical, etc., then a client needs to be willing and able to stand up for their own well-being and separate. I suspect that is the kind of rupture you are tuned into. However, many of the so-called ruptures (I really don't like the term) are relatively minor and can be worked through in a way that can actually be learning and insightful experiences.

I've personally never had a rupture with a therapist, so those are just my observations from having been around here for a long time. With my own therapist, we certainly don't agree on everything and it isn't all rainbows and butterflies, but we are both very good about directly confronting the issue in the moment, communicating with each other, and getting through those moments without it having to turn into a major issue between us.

[ruh roh]

In addition to attachment, some people question if the fallout is part of a pattern in their lives and is being acted out in therapy, so they stay to find out. Sometimes, it's worth doing. When the therapist is really awful, though, the person is stuck— like in an abusive relationship — and vulnerable. I really feel for anyone who gets caught in that dynamic.

[mira belle]

I wonder if client will continue to benefit in such a relationship . unless an ethical T who feels they can no longer/don't want to help the client n terminate. In that case , client ll feel rejected and be in more pain. It's easier for client to just go back n be in this unhealthy dynamic and get their needs met for as long as they can. Its better than nothing right ? But eventually the relationship will end. That's the reality.
I feel it will be unethical for a T to take back such a client when T's heart is not in the right place. N client might feel they can change T's mind. For this relationship to work...both parties have to be involved and willing to work towards a goal.

Also I think it takes a great deal of courage and strength to go back...after seeing hints of rejection. You are putting yourself out there and taking a risk .

[ScarletPimpernel]

I agree with TWF and Ruh roh.

I still want to maintain contact with my ex-T because I still love her. I'm still attached to her. Though I know she will never be my T again one because she doesn't want to be my T, and two because I could never trust her in that role again. But through all the pain that her abandonment has caused me, I still love her. There are so many good qualities about her. I mean, for 17 months we had a great relationship (or so I thought at least).

I'm continually told that life is not black or white and that I need to find the grey. Well, my ex-T is not all good or all bad.

And even though I'm told I'm not to blame for the abandonment, somehow I do have responsibility in it. Something I did or didn't do caused my T to want to leave. I'm the one with the mental health issues, so I must have had some hand in the mess.

[Daisymay]

All relationships are complicated and never, ever all good or all bad. I had a few 'ruptures' in therapy too and told T I wanted to terminate sessions. She gave me "permission" or room to do that, but both times I thought things through and realised we had misunderstood each other over something that was hugely emotionally important to me. So I went back, explained myself, felt better understood and we carried on. The third and last time a rupture occurred T actually told me it was not right to terminate but I could if I really wanted to. So we had a long gap. I did go back eventually though and things felt, the relationship felt very different, actually more grown up and less needy on my part. Things then continued and I reached a better healthier ending with the therapy.

Looking back it was almost as if the ruptures, repairs, learning from that and growing through them (for me) were all an important part of the relationship and therapy. Not feeling attacked and running in fear was something I learnt and can now deal with in my other relationships too.

I was very attached to my T too. So the strong attachment and transference were all a part of why I went back - and also a reason why the ruptures happened in the first place. I made myself very open and so emotionally vulnerable with her (not something I'd do with other relationships to the same extent). That made me very oversensitive to her words and reactions. But it was something I came through as time went on with her. Her words and reactions lost power as I gained power and healing for myself.

[LonesomeTonight]

I had a minor rupture with my T, and I think working through it led me to be more comfortable talking with her, because I was able to express that I was upset with how she handled something.

I'm currently in a rupture sort of situation with my marriage counselor. He said last week in discussing it that often when something like that happens in therapy--misunderstanding, anger, hurt, etc.--it can then lead to a big breakthrough and steps forward. It remains to be seen how this will play out. I know I'm very attached to him--though that attachment is kind of what led to this. (He loosened boundaries for a bit with me when I revealed some transference a few months ago, then recently tightened them back up without much of an explanation. And this was right after I'd shared my love--mostly paternal--for him.) So while part of me is tempted to walk away, the other part of me wants to see him and make it better. I'm focusing on the second part for now. And he says it's brave for me to try to continue rather than running away--though I'm not sure if it's so much bravery as attachment/love...

[Perna]

I cannot think of an example where a T has had a problem with a client and terminated with them or referred them elsewhere and then taken them back. Usually I think it is the client who leaves or quits or has the problem with the T and then comes back?

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

In addition to attachment, some people question if the fallout is part of a pattern in their lives and is being acted out in therapy, so they stay to find out. Sometimes, it's worth doing. When the therapist is really awful, though, the person is stuck— like in an abusive relationship — and vulnerable. I really feel for anyone who gets caught in that dynamic.

We never had a "rupture" or anything in 5 yrs until everything fell apart this spring. I had to admit that the relationship had felt unhealthy for a long time. And this, what you said above, I was vulnerable and raw. It's so hard.

[JustShakey]

For all the experience I have with this one I'm finding it hard to comment... Maybe because as bad as it hurts to stay it hurts worse to leave.
Of course I'm talking about the kind of relationship, therapeutic or otherwise, that is not healthy. On the other hand we'll sometimes run from healthy relationships for the same reasons we might stay in abusive ones. The hard thing can be telling the difference. The decision to stick it out or not is a very personal one...

[DelusionsDaily]

I know for me with ex-pdoc it is because it wasn't his unwillingness to work with me but my unwillingness at that point to work within certain bounds and now I believe with progress having been made toward wellness that we could certainly work well together but I could be wrong from his perspective. So I get tempted from time to te to write again but I don't want to be hurt if he says no or doesn't respond.

[musinglizzy]

I'm in this spot now, and I know a lot of people on here think I should leave my T. For me, I think it's my attachment to her. I think of not having her anymore and it kills me. Plus, of the bad things in my mind, there are so many good things. I feel like I'm a bigger person if I can just keep working on this. Also, it's the fear of "being alone," or of starting over with someone else, and going through all of this crap all over again. That's why I feel, if I were to quit my T, I wouldn't try therapy again. It's so painful, and I'd just get attached to the next one too. It's a crapshoot either way.

[growlycat]

With my long term psychodynamic T, our greatest ruptures have lead to my greatest breakthroughs. And the T relationship gets stronger.

There is a fine line between a painful breakthrough and THE END of therapy. They look about the same at the time.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by growlycat

With my long term psychodynamic T, our greatest ruptures have lead to my greatest breakthroughs. And the T relationship gets stronger.

There is a fine line between a painful breakthrough and THE END of therapy. They look about the same at the time.

I know for me that certain things made the relationship way too damaging to continue. I think of a rupture more as a misunderstanding that can be worked out. But certain thing are just not okay in a relationship that requires trust.

[SkyscraperMeow]

I think that a lot of people seek therapy because they're hurting on a deep level, and then the therapist provides something which a person may never have ever had before.

So people think that, because their therapist is the first to address a specific part of them, that they have to stay with that therapist, otherwise nobody will ever care for them that way again.

Objectively speaking, it's not true. Pretty much any therapist is going to be able to address the common wounds. A good therapist will do so while keeping the client in a healthy place.

The problem is, there are people whose therapists have behaved so outrageously terribly that they should have walked out the door months ago, but because the the therapist performed the basic function of therapy first, the client is 'hooked' and too afraid to find something better, or demand something better for themselves.

The problem is, in that situation, if the client can't muster the will to leave, the therapist will not magically improve. They will continue to hurt the client. the client will continue to be hurt, and the whole thing spirals into the toilet.

I wish people could believe that there are therapists out there who don't have bizarre rubber boundaries, can treat them without hurting them, and won't cause them to become hopelessly dependent because they will never foster that level of dependence in the first place.

I honestly think the reason why people get so attached to bad therapists is because they don't realize that there genuinely are so many other people out there who could be doing a much better job.

[missbella]

I stayed longer than I should because my therapists' arrogance led me to think they held wisdom and answers for me. They shamed and insulted me into staying when I wanted to leave. I finally made the break, without their help. Once I did escaped their clutches, I wasn't tempted to return--not for a millisecond. I understood intellectually how empty and pretentious they were. Emotionally though, it was like breaking out of a cult and leaving my gurus. I felt truant for a long time.

[Daisymay]

Originally Posted by missbella

I stayed longer than I should because my therapists' arrogance led me to think they held wisdom and answers for me. They shamed and insulted me into staying when I wanted to leave. I finally made the break, without their help. Once I did escaped their clutches, I wasn't tempted to return--not for a millisecond. I understood intellectually how empty and pretentious they were. Emotionally though, it was like breaking out of a cult and leaving my gurus. I felt truant for a long time.

I've just read your blog. I like the section at the end where you say "what I would do as my own therapist and client". Very sensible

[missbella]

Originally Posted by Daisymay

I've just read your blog. I like the section at the end where you say "what I would do as my own therapist and client". Very sensible

Thanks, Daisymay. I received the most important lessons from the worst therapy.

[coldnovemberrain]

Originally Posted by SkyscraperMeow

I think that a lot of people seek therapy because they're hurting on a deep level, and then the therapist provides something which a person may never have ever had before.

So people think that, because their therapist is the first to address a specific part of them, that they have to stay with that therapist, otherwise nobody will ever care for them that way again.

Objectively speaking, it's not true. Pretty much any therapist is going to be able to address the common wounds. A good therapist will do so while keeping the client in a healthy place.

The problem is, there are people whose therapists have behaved so outrageously terribly that they should have walked out the door months ago, but because the the therapist performed the basic function of therapy first, the client is 'hooked' and too afraid to find something better, or demand something better for themselves.

The problem is, in that situation, if the client can't muster the will to leave, the therapist will not magically improve. They will continue to hurt the client. the client will continue to be hurt, and the whole thing spirals into the toilet.

I wish people could believe that there are therapists out there who don't have bizarre rubber boundaries, can treat them without hurting them, and won't cause them to become hopelessly dependent because they will never foster that level of dependence in the first place.

I honestly think the reason why people get so attached to bad therapists is because they don't realize that there genuinely are so many other people out there who could be doing a much better job.

Totally agree with you...so well written and explained.
the fear is there what if you can not find another T with some connection and ofcourse starting over is so difficult. To repeat everything to a new therapist...the task seems daunting.