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  #1  
Old May 13, 2007, 10:14 AM
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when i was little i never had anyone to talk to. took a long while to realise that other people didn't feel as bad as i did. didn't know why i felt so bad.

then therapy. so hard to talk. so hard to talk. terminated for not talking. would just curl up into a little ball and dissociate. then dbt. 'its hard to do therapy when you do that' so i stopped. went a bit better. learned a lot in dbt. then some therapists who i didn't click with... then such a fight to get treatment. such a fight... so... i started to read.

w. reads a lot. he introduced me to the lit on DID and showed me that that was what was wrong. when i couldn't study he studied that and wrote a couple research papers for my degrees. then p-docs who meant well but didn't really have the time to work with me properly. now this guy.

its hard. after the last session i read w.'s papers again. an exercise in rationalisation. an exercise in making the dx palatable to me. focus on cross-cultural variation. focus on how alters are possible (multiple systems instead of single systems).

just don't focus on the trauma. 'cause its too hard.

he accepts the dx so now i don't have to. had to push it back home or i'd get nothing. its hard.

he left me. he promised he'd email but he didn't. kt said 'i feel abandoned' and he didn't respond. he left me.

and now... he wants me to trust him. he doesn't credit w. but w. has been whats been keeping us ticking along. an intellectual understanding of whats happening. whats going on. he can't just cast him aside like that. he can't. we won't let him. we don't trust him. he left us. he left kt. she didn't know he was coming back. he left her. and she still feels like that now. whatever connection we had is gone.

memories. trauma. round and round and round. need to lock myself away from people 'cause they're just too scary. can't go to work. can't do any work. can't function. just kt in the room crying and crying and locked there. abandoned.

cracking up.

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  #2  
Old May 13, 2007, 10:14 AM
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for the last month.

what the hell am i going to do?
  #3  
Old May 13, 2007, 10:18 AM
pinksoil
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is w. angry that T is discrediting him? in what way does T do this?

is there any way that kt can earn T's trust?
  #4  
Old May 13, 2007, 10:20 AM
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alexandra i'm so sorry you feel this way. i have probs with abandonment too. and rejection. reach out to us here at pc we will try to help you. you are amongst friends here. you can trust with time. pm me anytime if you need to. i am your friend. without this site i would be abandoned still, i have true friends here from all over the world who i love and respect.

hope you feel better soon, all my love kerry xoxoxoxox

((((((((((((((((((alex))))))))))))))))safe hugs
  #5  
Old May 13, 2007, 10:39 AM
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i'm really struggling with looking at things this way...

last session was pretty much w. arguing with t about appropriate treatment for DID. not arguing, exactly. but cross feelings. indignant. disconnected. t was saying the odd thing about 'well your thoughts on your experiences are important to therapy of course. your thoughts on DID, however...' yeah. discrediting what he had to say. mostly because... t probably thought it was... an exercise in rationalisation. and when i think that w. feels really %#@&#! mad. really %#@&#! mad. 'cause he has kept things ticking along.

but of course w. won't even let me look at things that way. 'i don't exist' he keeps saying to me. 'its just a manner of speaking and it isn't inevitable'. 'talking about 'w.' is just a way of disclaiming ownership of YOUR thoughts and feelings etc'.

but i can't face them :-(
i know they are mine
but i can't face them
they can't be mine
but i know that they are mine
and wooooooooooooooosh down the big black hole :-(

but if its just rationalisations... the disclaimed action stuff... then maybe its okay for me to talk about w.'s feelings and thoughts as w.'s feelings and thoughts.

something happened at the end of the last session. w. / I was talking...

'i don't want you to meet them 'cause it's not about them telling you stuff its about me telling you stuff. i mean, what am i supposed to say? "i'm a.?" (he nodded). no. i won't do that. they are just stories i make up 'cause i can't face things. i don't want them acting out. sometimes i can't face things.

then i kinda saw that that's maybe why he wants to meet them. if i say 'i'm a.' then... its not disclaimed. i'm claiming it. being them IS taking ownership.

and w. is so %#@&#! mad. so %#@&#! mad. and i feel scared.

need to act it out and narrate around it.
not impose a narrative from the top-down like w. / I have been trying to do.

but what the hell was i supposed to do all those years that no one would help me? w. doesn't need him. don't need him. this hurts. it HURTS. it hurts too much. i don't want to do this. it hurts too much. its not about trust so much as hurt that he can't do anything about. to bring this up... and not be able to do anything about it. nice for some. but i don't want to do this. can't. hurts too much.
  #6  
Old May 13, 2007, 10:58 AM
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SecretGarden SecretGarden is offline
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If you are the center one...and excuse me as I know nothing about your diagnosis Alexandra... will you not eventually need to stop pushing this back? Does that have anything to do with how you feel right now?

W is the knowledgable one of your diagnosis and able to deal with it. W will hopefully help you find the way that you would like to move forward to integration if that is what you wish. Do all of your alters wish to be integrated or are they able to answer that? You are wishing to do this your way or possibly W's way. How is T not accepting W? Is it a matter of W's paper and what it shares that is not agreed with?

Is t not willing to try things your way and why not?

My t keeps talking of developing a unconscious alliance with him. I am not sure if you to even the conscious allilance yet. I am finding that my alliance is being found by putting what each of us are thinking right out there. Not easy but either progressive or not.
It sounds like you are working toward the treatment but the alliance is now at risk or currently not solid. Perhaps this needs to be addressed?

Just a thought. Hope I am somewhat helpful.
  #7  
Old May 13, 2007, 11:04 AM
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SecretGarden SecretGarden is offline
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sorry cross posting
  #8  
Old May 13, 2007, 11:38 AM
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SecretGarden SecretGarden is offline
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

'i don't want you to meet them 'cause it's not about them telling you stuff its about me telling you stuff. i mean, what am i supposed to say? "i'm a.?" (he nodded). no. i won't do that. they are just stories i make up 'cause i can't face things. i don't want them acting out. sometimes i can't face things.

then i kinda saw that that's maybe why he wants to meet them. if i say 'i'm a.' then... its not disclaimed. i'm claiming it. being them IS taking ownership.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That sounds scarey Alexandra... taking ownership and that would require one hell of an alliance given all that you have experienced with previous therapists.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
but what the hell was i supposed to do all those years that no one would help me? w. doesn't need him. don't need him. this hurts. it HURTS. it hurts too much. i don't want to do this. it hurts too much.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

w has been there for you when so many have let you down.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
its not about trust so much as hurt that he can't do anything about. to bring this up... and not be able to do anything about it. nice for some. but i don't want to do this. can't. hurts too much.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Can you share more on this. are you speaking on w's behalf? t needs to be aware of how much w has helped you through difficult times. He kept you together and has been your strength. It would, in my mind, be like mourning a death of sorts or giving up something that has worked for you. Your distress is understood and is not going to be simple to discharge.
  #9  
Old May 13, 2007, 12:20 PM
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MissCharlotte MissCharlotte is offline
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(((Alexandra)))

It sounds like you are at a very intense point in your therapy right now and KT is suffering and so are you. You have been through so much, and your experience as a child wit no-one to talk to must have been so frightening then and now. But you can talk to your T now!

Be extra gentle with yourself if you can, and just keep going.

hurting and confused right now hurting and confused right now hurting and confused right now
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  #10  
Old May 13, 2007, 03:53 PM
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sunrise sunrise is offline
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
alexandra_k said:
last session was pretty much w. arguing with t about appropriate treatment for DID.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I would think your T would be thrilled by this, alex. Your T got to talk to w! Isn't this what he's been wanting, to talk to your alters? Did he know he was talking to w?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
just kt in the room crying and crying and locked there. abandoned.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Could your T help you work on ways that you (your dominant self) can help kt? I know that ego states are not as dissociated as alters, but my T taught me ways that my adult self could help younger, hurting ego states. It was very powerful, to learn these coping skills and how to comfort and "rescue" my own needy, little girl ego state. I wonder if this sort of technique could also be used in your situation, with full-fledged alters. Then your T wouldn't have to be so obsessed with meeting all of your alters himself. He could teach you the skills to deal with them, and make progress that way. Sorry if this suggestion is just totally off base... Hang in there, alex_k.
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  #11  
Old May 13, 2007, 11:32 PM
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thankyou Jillyann. that was a lovely post.
  #12  
Old May 13, 2007, 11:38 PM
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hey. yeah i guess he doesn't know about w. about his role and stuff. when i realised near the end... about how switching kind of was taking ownership / responsibility... i kind of looked a bit stunned and kinda smacked myself in the forehead (which makes some noise but doesn't hurt too much). not sure if he knew what that was about. but he was grinning kinda. so maybe he got it that it was a kinda 'eureka' than recoil in horror kinda moment.

grr.
cringe.
rrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmpppppppph.

yeah. meebe i need to tell him some more about w. how he feels about all this...
  #13  
Old May 13, 2007, 11:40 PM
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((((sista))) thank you.

yeah. i guess i need to be a bit gentle with myself right now. i guess things are pretty intense. suffering yeah :-(
  #14  
Old May 13, 2007, 11:44 PM
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hey. i think t is more interested in meeting EP's (kt in particular) rather than ANP's (w.). sigh. he didn't know he was talking to w.

yeah i guess i gotta learn how to look after kt. i just feel kinda... powerless to know what to do with her. kind of.. dunno...

> I wonder if this sort of technique could also be used in your situation, with full-fledged alters.

yeah. its the same thing really. i think that is what i'm supposed to be doing. i try. but sometimes its hard to communicate with / connect with her. its like she is locked in this room inside and nobody can get in. i'm not sure. but yeah. need to work on this yup.
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