[SecretGarden]

Well this is another one of THOSE posts... I have just started back to weekly therapy and I am ready to roll so to speak. My pdoc is not in the office this week and today is my normal day. It seems funny that I have only been back to weekly for about 6 weeks or so and only last week did he say I could come back every week.

I feel ready to go... like my engine is in overdrive...ready to go. I feel kind of lost right now... like no where to go...

Do you have those times when it is time you wish to get business going and then like being put on hold for some reason? Thoughts.... I just hope to keep the motivation up.

I like want to get deep and productive and forceful like in our exchanges ... and poof.

What is a girl/woman to do. Not sure who is here right now... kind of a combo deal.

[lauren_helene]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
SecretGarden said:
Well this is another one of THOSE posts... I have just started back to weekly therapy and I am ready to roll so to speak. My pdoc is not in the office this week and today is my normal day. It seems funny that I have only been back to weekly for about 6 weeks or so and only last week did he say I could come back every week.

I feel ready to go... like my engine is in overdrive...ready to go. I feel kind of lost right now... like no where to go...

Do you have those times when it is time you wish to get business going and then like being put on hold for some reason? Thoughts.... I just hope to keep the motivation up.

I like want to get deep and productive and forceful like in our exchanges ... and poof.

What is a girl/woman to do. Not sure who is here right now... kind of a combo deal.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yes, I feel this indifference often. Since you've been back to weekly were you able to schedule weekly or were you waiting for him to say see you next week? I do that sometimes. I don't think T's always like to push us into a timeframe.

I think what you mean about going deep, getting productive etc. means you would like to go to the scary places regarding your feelings but might be afraid to show him that? I could be way off base on this.

[SecretGarden]

I am not indifferent at all....I am wishing to be forward moving and feel with his absence...like there is a brick wall there for the moment.

When I started weekly he was following for my meds and probably my depression or both as they interchanged.

He is solid in timeframe generally but this last time I nailed him on wanting to come weekly and he is on the same page. I am pretty adamant about having my times be regular, same day...same time... like my space. Business.

Yes I want to go to scarey places... and get through them... start digging.... I have been ambivalent lately as I have not been sure on both of our parts in terms of sharing this amount of anger... or emotions.

I have trouble sometimes with discussions that sometimes I think there are altercations when they are actually discussions... need to work on that too...and hope to with in this framework. No you are on target except that I am feeling solid about going forward....and think he does too.

He actually looked disappointed that he would be gone this week...given I think where I am... but could be that he just did not want to do what he is doing this week. But I do think it was me... as I see vestment and I think his way of caring.

I suppose if any indifference ... it would be my anxiety level right now of not quite knowing what to do with myself in the mean time. Going swimming again in an hour...sigh... like it though... and it helps for a bit.

I dunno if this is similar...but sometimes I have very lucid and energetic times when I want to jump in and tackle everything...get my hands dirty and just roll these therapy things.

Trouble is keeping them going, like the adrenaline that might go with those people who do those "spinning plate" acts. The processing keeps spinning and you have the energy to keep the therapeutic processing going, spinning like those plates. But then, one of the plates falls and crashes and pieces shatter everywhere!!!

So then everything briefly goes in slow-motion, where the other plates continue to spin and you have just brief moments to make a decision:

(1) will that "falling plate" cause you to lose focus entirely, and the energy and work and progress being made on every other piece break down too, so that in the end everything crashes down

OR

(2) do you just move on and keep those plates spinning and do your best?

If something "crashes" in my life, I tend to lose focus and any of my lucidity and energy turn to grimy dark depression. Not all the time, but most of the time.

So what is the way to keep yourself from losing the energy and focus? Writing about it? Speaking about it here? I dunno precisely. Plus, sometimes, you just get tired and need to rest.

Spinning plates might not be an entirely appropriate metaphor, because what is the point of spinning plates in the first place? The therapeutic process has more point than spinning plates.

[MissCharlotte]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I feel ready to go... like my engine is in overdrive...ready to go. I feel kind of lost right now... like no where to go...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Secret,
Oh gosh, we are such creatures of habit. I think this is a natural reaction to a change in routine. I think our mind and bodies store up about just enough thoughts to get us through to the next session. (Or in my case, until the next phone call.) When that rhythm is disrupted, we don't know where to put the stuff we have piled up. We are geared up in anticipation of the great solution or the great debate, and pfffft....it fizzles out because no can do.

Hmmmm, so what to do about it when we have to wait? Well, journaling is one thing only the dialogue is one-directional and you don't get the feedback you anticipated. You could try talking to empty chairs...but I don't know if that would work solo. Maybe you could write a play with dialogue between you and p-doc OR you could post here lots and we will all give you feedback.

Hang in there sistah!



]smiley[/url]

[SecretGarden]

Ipse... You are an insightful soul and I just know you have been here before. I think that the sign of success in life in many is #2... keeping those suckers spinning regardless. I think that also ultimately is the goal of therapy or ... I think in my case my pdoc has noticed that #1 will happen but increasingly less often and will not last as long... perhaps I can reglue that plate. I think actually my goal is to through particular plates in the cosmos to never return...though that might not be realistic. Dang it.

I suppose I am afraid to stop spinning the plates as I do not wish to lose enthusiasm but one can not always continually spin plates as one needs to rest once in a while.

These are new plates...(well actually old ones) that are coming out to be exposed. I just did feel like sharing today. Otherwise... work was productive..and that makes me feel good.

[SecretGarden]

Is that Toto.... running at the bottom of the screen? I love that dog. I could get exhausted in just watching him/her run. Is that me or you?? LOL. As I was swooshing around in the water this evening I was thinking OMG... I need to get home and let these folks know this is a rant... vent... either/or/both.

I think that you had one of those experiences where things went from one gear in one session to another gear in ... wow... two days. So hey...I am not sure what to expect. I can only express the spray of what I am feeling. Seems rather willie nilly right now with occasional landing.

Thanks for your thoughts. I am sharing now... and will consider journaling and some extra swims perhaps. Thanks ... you are right... I was ready for my regular visit...and pfffffst.

[lauren_helene]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
SecretGarden said:
Is that Toto.... running at the bottom of the screen? I love that dog. I could get exhausted in just watching him/her run. Is that me or you?? LOL. As I was swooshing around in the water this evening I was thinking OMG... I need to get home and let these folks know this is a rant... vent... either/or/both.

I think that you had one of those experiences where things went from one gear in one session to another gear in ... wow... two days. So hey...I am not sure what to expect. I can only express the spray of what I am feeling. Seems rather willie nilly right now with occasional landing.

Thanks for your thoughts. I am sharing now... and will consider journaling and some extra swims perhaps. Thanks ... you are right... I was ready for my regular visit...and pfffffst.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You seem to be feeling better since the swim! Sometimes water cures all misery. I love boating actually for this reason. Picture us all on a boat, I mean yacht, sipping whatever it is we all drink and wizzing through the ocean breeze at sunset.

I've been there and it's perfect!! I'm off on vacation until the 29th. I'll try to keep up with you while I'm gone...

[SecretGarden]

On a boat??

However, Wherever... have fun and keep in touch.

[MissCharlotte]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I'm off on vacation until the 29t

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Hey Almeda,

Have a great vacation!

I could see us all on a boat--except I would get seasick.

I agree with sister, to journal, that helps put the energy somewhere. Plus I find the other part is a kinda of "instant gratification" thing. I want it now ! LOL well thats something I have to deal with, and I dont want to deal with the other feelings, like containing my own pent up emotions, like when T is away, having to deal with the "missing" her, which of course I will be doing next week. Its almost a case of "yuk, get these anxiety/irritable feelings out of my body NOW! LOL

[SecretGarden]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
mouse_ said:
"yuk, get these anxiety/irritable feelings out of my body NOW! LOL

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That about covers it.... ready to spew...lol... Sleep was not settled last night but that could be increased dosage on meds. Not a good time for that buckaroo to leave town.

Really psyched about work today and know they will get their nickel out of me... debatable.
Many folks are taking a 4 day weekend anyhow.

Thanks Mouse. I am glad you are here.

[MissCharlotte]

Okay, yes, I understand the need to spew and get things out of body....That is exactly why I wrote that 4-page letter to T AND mailed it this time. LOL

Oh yeah, I think it's a good thing -- not to hold this stuff in -- we will be better off for it and healthier.

So, I say spew away in any way you can until next time with T.

]pukey[/url]

[SecretGarden]

Gee thanks for the spew.... ewwwwwww.