Couch 97: Prime Pyramids

There is more than one gay community. And within those communities there is a lot of individual difference.

At its best, "the gay community" is about individuality, freedom and finding your own path.

Good point!

I found that accepting my weaknesses and being able to share them with someone (Madame T, no less!) was very freeing.

Therapy is a place where it ought to be safe to let your guard down.

He sounds better than the rest of your FOO, anyway.

Thats what i used to think. At its best, humanity is. But the gay community is probably just a statistical cross section of humanity. X pct omnivore, y pct vegetarian, z pct vegan for example. Or democrat / republican. Or open minded / closed. Or friendly to strangers / xenophobes. Good spellers / not. Whatever. Or maybe i just wasnt cute enough to talk to.

Thanks CE. i just had an insight regarding my T I thought "Well CE T is a man, and I have to be better than a man." I'm not sure what that means or where it comes from but I'll think on it.
Problem with letting your guard down is someone slips their sword in first...

I guess the question is, is H inside or outside the loop?

And with all respect to Mastodon and Stopdog, I personally prefer an "inside-the-loop" marriage.

Yes, that is the risk. But if a T abuses your trust you can always dump them. Harder with a spouse or relative.

A valuable insight and worth pursuing.

IF it works for you, it is fine with me. I don't see it as black and white as in or out of loop myself.

Cat with a stuffie. Just, yanno, because...


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Yeah, this. You don't want to wander into anything all starry-eyed. Learned that the hard way. I'm not about to repeat the same mistakes in a different forum.

I don't see it as black and white either, which is why I framed my response to LT that she needed to consider what she and her husband are working on in marriage counseling -- that that would probably give her an idea how to proceed.

LT, it sounds like you would feel more comfortable talking about it in session where you would have additional support, and that sounds like a good plan.

I understand the worry about your husband's reaction, not wanting to worry him, etc. That sounds very much like the reasoning my husband and I both used for years in withholding information about our own well-being from each other, but that created a real gulf between us that was hurting our relationship. We have since learned that knowing is much less stressful than suspecting but not really knowing, and much much less stressful than being blindsided by things going way south without us even realizing how bad things were. We're now very open about discussing really difficult feelings and thoughts, and we've found that openness has brought much more transparency and intimacy to our relationship.

I love when cats pretend they have rabbit feet like that

Hi couch. I'm having a bad time. I hope this is dealing with trauma and it gets better. It feels like.... breaking. I am tired and sick and stressed, and possibly triggered. I have to remember those things. They, if strong enough factors, mean I am understandably in a small emotional crisis, not crazy. I sound arrogant and over-analytical and maybe pessimistic and such to you all in general right, but not crazy? Right.

You sound like you're stressed out and tired

I have never thought of you as arrogant or over-analytical. And you're probably no more pessimistic than the rest of us.

I ended up telling him. I think he could tell something was up, so figured I may as well. He took it as well as could be expected. He definitely wants to discuss it more with MC on Monday, but seems OK with it for now. I think it helps that we in general discussed self-harm in there a few months ago because I was having thoughts about it. So this isn't coming completely out of left field. And he understands that it's not the same as wanting to end things.

This way, too, he can have a couple days to think about any questions or concerns he has rather than being blindsided on Monday.

Incidentally, my MC wrote back to my e-mail saying he'd had no cancellations and that he didn't want to give much advice but said to just trust myself and my instincts because I've been doing well in dealing with H lately. By the time he'd sent his e-mail, I'd already told H, so I guess MC was right! (It was nice that he wrote back, too, since he often doesn't--but I know to expect that from both him and T).

Thanks for all the advice--it's interesting getting so many different perspectives. I think I just feel like I need to be open and authentic with my H if we're going to have the kind of marriage I'd want. (And if he doesn't accept it, then it's not right for me...)

Good for you! I agree with you about being open and authentic to create a strong, good marriage, I try and do that too, and I know it can feel risky. Take care over there! Kudos.

As I lay with my arms out like the wings of angels yet so heavy I can't lift a finger. my heart is spread across my sleeve and the color of my eyes fading as i numbly stare into the darkening clouds. A few raindrops spill from the sky and dance with the tears that are gently rolling down my paling cheeks. I begin to forget why I am here. My dreams, passions, the woman I wanted to become - vanishing. The world has turned into a blurry haze as I realize it's not death I've often found myself wishing for but to know what truly living would feel like? For just a brief moment to know and feel what living something you love feels like. To find and feel joy in accomplishing a dream. To wake each day truly thankful for more time. I want to curse those that have cause me to feel and be in this terrorizing and everlasting pain. Yet, I don't care enough. I see nothing before me but I am aware of what I am expecting. It's as though I am about to open a door to a room I've never before been but I've already seen inside. It's the place where I entrust my tears, where emotions become sight. It's a place where I feel as though I am reliving my favorite memory with all senses over and over again. It's not Heaven and it's not hell. It's simply the place I need to be the most. A place of everlasting peace.

Now i feel like i would feel bad if people i know/ used to know come to my mothers visitation and funeral and im not there to thank them for coming. Plus the hours my brother set up are pretty minimal so its doable. And i think my gf talked me into it. If they dont show, thats okay too.

I think funerals are like sex. You THINK you know whats up, but until you actually DO it...! My brother left a voicemail, "the casket etc will cost x thousand dollars..." i was like, is he asking me for money??? I called another friend who said i should not have to pay out of pocket and that the money should come out of the estate. My friend asked who the executor of the will was. I was like, i was told its me because they didnt trust my brother but they probably lied about that like they lied about everything else, plus the ole lady said she was writing me out of the will. So who knows.

T and my pdoc and my friends have been terrific. As have youse guys. So far my head is still on my shoulders!

Oh Hankster, I am just getting caught up with posts... I am SO sorry. Sending huge hugs and supportive thoughts.

I had never heard this before. Thank you for sharing such lyrical truthful beauty. On the Nature of Daylight | Rosalie Parker ~ Wayshower for the New Earth

One of my favorites. It's beautiful and resonated with me very, very strongly this evening.

I talked to my therapist, had been 11 days since we really spoke, a very long time for me adding in

MIL hospital + PTSD flare up + too busy + bad sleep + asthma + prednisone = Leah under siege

I was glad to finally get through to her, took some time. I need to settle, hope I will now, I think we did well together, just having a rough time, but we have a plan. I must be desperately tired, but maybe now rest will be enough to turn the corner. I do not like this dark and threatening old road. Sometimes it's hard to believe in PTSD, to believe in explanations when I just feel so irrational and upset.

I'm going to do all my self care though and prepare for session Monday by choosing five excerpts I love from A Wrinkle in Time to warm me back up again to the book, literature was my great solace in childhood and should help me again now.