[Soccer mom]

Please be gentle with me when you respond. I am in therapy for the death of my mom which caused maternal transference. I had only been in therapy before due to problem solving. I don't have depression/anxiety or any other "issues" other than relationship stuff/abandonment fears. I am fully functioning and ironically therapy seems to be my biggest issue affecting my life.

My T. suggested spacing to every 2 weeks to help with the transference plus I was in a better place. We've talked a lot about it, how I feel and today I told her that it seems "everyone" feels you should come weekly to move through it. She asked what I've found about spacing helping. I said I haven't. She said I need to remember there are a lot of variables - what brought the client into therapy, their past, their current situation, etc. She said there are times when the spacing will help. So, she suggested that I look for articles on spacing helping transference.

I can't handle everyone writing that it won't help and what a horrible idea. So, if you don't have anything supportive, please don't respond. Trying to protect myself from a post-session hangover and I'm doing well right now.

[unaluna]

I found a pdf called "going home again" from fsi stg dot com dot au that looked relevant. I was googling "managing the transference by spacing".

Strange you ask this, because I've just willingly put myself on an every two week plan to deal with transference. T doesn't agree, but I insisted. I can only speak from personal anecdotes, but it lessens the bond and pull I feel towards T. The first month and a half were very difficult, almost like grief from death. But the feelings have normalized and feel way more okay than they did before. Very freeing in a way, and I'm not as strung about when T takes a vacation.

[Gavinandnikki]

I found that the longer I was away from her, the less powerful the transference pull.

It might be worth a try. I think one of the reasons I stress less about changes in contact and scheduling, etc. is that I don't have a regular day and time each week for therapy. It isn't a clockwork pattern that I ever came to rely on, so variability in time between sessions is just par for the course for me. I sometimes think if I had a set day/time each week, I would have had a sort of Pavlovian response to that day/time just out of habit. (Yes, I'm using that metaphor very loosely and a bit tongue-in-cheek). I would have perhaps felt possessive of that day/time; It's MINE!! Yadda yadda. This way I've never had that kind of association with any particular day/time equalling therapy. Instead, I arrange my therapy around other aspects of my life.

Perhaps you could try a compromise: maybe set your sessions about 10 days apart-ish. It will create a little more distance between sessions but not a full two weeks and perhaps not having a "set" day and time will help you not fixate on your session schedule as much. Might be worth a try.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I searched transference and scheduling and found this:
Dynamics of Development and the Therapeutic Process

Whether based on research or just facts, my opinion is that sessions should be spaced out. Before your mom's death sessions were spaced out and you did fine. Now you've become dependent on the relationship with it being weekly (and the loss). I won't say it again, but you know my opinion on your transference already.

If you wish to get the transference under control, it's going to be hard no matter what you do. And I think spacing is the best thing in your situation especially given you have a great support network outside of therapy. But that's just my opinion. I would even suggest changing Ts and starting out 2x monthly, but I'm not sure you would be willing to do that.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

My sessions are about once every three weeks or once a month. Its tough to go so long between seeing my T but we email and sometimes have a check in on the phone. I had very strong transference and attachment to my T. I have noticed lately that its not so bad when I don't have a ton of contact with my T. I think my long time between sessions is helping. I know how suffocating it is and there is light at the end of the transference tunnel.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by hankster

I found a pdf called "going home again" from fsi stg dot com dot au that looked relevant. I was googling "managing the transference by spacing".

Thanks! I'll google it too. I haven't started looking yet. Just curious if anyone else has experienced it.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by Clementine K

Strange you ask this, because I've just willingly put myself on an every two week plan to deal with transference. T doesn't agree, but I insisted. I can only speak from personal anecdotes, but it lessens the bond and pull I feel towards T. The first month and a half were very difficult, almost like grief from death. But the feelings have normalized and feel way more okay than they did before. Very freeing in a way, and I'm not as strung about when T takes a vacation.

That's really brave of you! I think my T. is hoping I free up my brain some. I tend to work very hard and think a lot so I rarely give myself a break. When it was weekly, by the time I stopped thinking it was a day or two before my next session so I never got time to just be. As much as I am dreading it, I also hope it works. The few weeks I haven't thought as much about her, it's been so nice!

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

. I sometimes think if I had a set day/time each week, I would have had a sort of Pavlovian response to that day/time just out of habit. (Yes, I'm using that metaphor very loosely and a bit tongue-in-cheek). I would have perhaps felt possessive of that day/time; It's MINE!! Yadda yadda. This way I've never had that kind of association with any particular day/time equalling therapy. Instead, I arrange my therapy around other aspects of my life.

Perhaps you could try a compromise: maybe set your sessions about 10 days apart-ish. It will create a little more distance between sessions but not a full two weeks and perhaps not having a "set" day and time will help you not fixate on your session schedule as much. Might be worth a try.

I used to have a set time during the week and then we compromised on every 10 days for June and July. August will start the true spacing. It's all the mom crap. I want her to say she wants to see me as much as I want. but, she's being a strong T. and trying something she thinks will help. I agreed on August because that is when school starts again and I know I will be a lot more busy.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I searched transference and scheduling and found this:
Dynamics of Development and the Therapeutic Process

Whether based on research or just facts, my opinion is that sessions should be spaced out. Before your mom's death sessions were spaced out and you did fine. Now you've become dependent on the relationship with it being weekly (and the loss). I won't say it again, but you know my opinion on your transference already.

If you wish to get the transference under control, it's going to be hard no matter what you do. And I think spacing is the best thing in your situation especially given you have a great support network outside of therapy. But that's just my opinion. I would even suggest changing Ts and starting out 2x monthly, but I'm not sure you would be willing to do that.

Thanks for sharing that link! Your memory amazes me! Yeah, can't change T's right now. I've looked into most all of them in my area and none are as well versed with transference as mine. While I don't want to have it with another T., I feel they need to understand it to be able to help me grieve my T. if I left her.

[Rive.]

I think it’s worth a try. Sometimes, the ‘distance’ can indeed help. Change can sound scary at first but this might be an opportunity needed to show you that you do have other coping resources or in finding your own coping skills, that you are strong (or stronger than you believe?)... You may also gain some objectivity (as in, not so enmeshed in transference and/or ‘dependence’) or simply that you can even cope quite well without her. So, I’d say worth giving it a go.

[Lauliza]

I think it is an excellent idea to see her less frequently. The spacing could help you put your focus back on other things in your life; things that may have been overshadowed by therapy. You may find that the change in schedule isn't as upsetting as you are expecting it to be. Sometimes the anticipation is much worse than the reality.

[QUOTE=ScarletPimpernel;4563330]I searched transference and scheduling and found this:
Dynamics of Development and the Therapeutic Process

QUOTE]

This was REALLY interesting. The article actually seems to encourage strong transference, especially pertaining to the undesirability of the client getting needs met outside of therapy. I do notice that when I space sessions better, I rely on my own support network more heavily which is the more mature, adult, healthy thing to do IMO.

My issue is with the lack of disclosure about all this. I wasn't warned till it was too late about the risks of transference and attachment. For certain personalities, I think it can be really damaging and leave us worse off than before.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by Lauliza

I think it is an excellent idea to see her less frequently. The spacing could help you put your focus back on other things in your life; things that may have been overshadowed by therapy. You may find that the change in schedule isn't as upsetting as you are expecting it to be. Sometimes the anticipation is much worse than the reality.

I have wanted this - to put my focus back on other things in my life. Adult me seems ok with it, child me is like WTF??!!!

[Leah123]

That's because it is in our child selves where this work you began is done, but those needs/desires will fade again in time. In the meantime, like some mentioned, there will be that pain of disconnect but you can create a plan to deal with the loss and mitigate it. Replacing appointments with other self-care and things you enjoy, focusing on other supports.

I don't have an opinion one way or the other, I just wanted to say I hope this works for you.

I don't have transference with the therapist I see, but I do only see her every two weeks and it is helpful for me because I don't ruminate about the therapy in between sessions. I wish you the best with this.