[Abby]

I'm having a hard time and I don't know what to do. I'm trying to just forget about it because generally my life is the best it's ever been and there are hundreds of positives about it and I am happy.

Except I'm not sure I am. Well no, I am but I'm split hugely in two and honestly it is getting hard to manage. The self harm is pretty out of control. I went to see my GP who is lovely and my health is surprisingly okay but I feel pretty sick quite often. But I'm hugely pleased that I'm essentially well, it is very reassuring to me.

Being split this solidly in half, or fragmented or whatever they call it, is seriously hard to manage.

Okay, I'm not being coherent. What do I want to say? I want to move all of myself forward. I am tired of being split and self harming, and I know I have to feel in order to do so but I'm terrified of that because I have so much to do in my life, I'm balancing a lot of things that I cannot drop the ball on - and I don't want to drop the ball on! I realise self harming will eventually force my hand in the matter so maybe it is worth feeling now, but this is not something I feel safe doing without back up.

I have no therapist. My family are wonderful and supportive but they don't always 'get it'. Something important happened the other day in relation to my ex-therapist (I don't want to be specific), and immediately I text my parents sending them what I'd received, and no doubt they cared as they read it immediately but the response to me was "thanks for this, I hope you're having a good day at work - not long till the weekend". So I tried to leave it but I was freaking out and I had to ring them to essentially say "no, realise I'm freaking out - this is my stress point". And that's when I realised they had gone to read it immediately, and also that is when emotionally they did step up and respond as I needed them to (sometimes I react internally a lot but push it down externally in order to act normally yet I really need specific people around me to know I'm freaking out inside and to show that level of external care - does that make sense?). So that is positive - lots of positives in my life!

I realised tonight that what is playing out in the self harm, that I really cannot feel because I can't see a way to resolve this, is the whole "I am bad" scenario...because my therapist left me. Simply due to circumstances, so rationally I realise it is nothing to do with me at all and just a bad situation all round, but emotionally I feel she hates me and that she is.....well the image is of her dropping the doll version of me behind a cabinet and forgetting I was there and that I existed, and then moving house. I don't know what the emotion is that this image represents but it makes me feel awful. My immediate and compelling wish (which is why I've been self harming so often) is to fix it - be good, be seen and put back on the shelf - but I can't, it isn't someone I can contact and fix it with, plus there is no need to fix anything because this is all in my head, but goodness that is the impulse if I allowed myself to feel it...but feeling means reacting and I can't, or at least I don't know how to feel and not react (which is embarrassing to admit to). So I don't feel, or if I do and I'm not sure if I am, then it is coming out through self harm. I can't react externally, only to myself - does that make sense?

I don't know what to do. I'm very stressed. The recommendation is for me to get yet another therapist. But honestly, I don't know if I have the ability to go through yet another possibility of being dropped. I'd need a written contract or something to enter into yet another therapy relationship!... and even then I doubt I'd trust them. I feel I'm just noise....although yes in my rational head I get a therapist is a job not family, but there is something wrong with me emotionally, I guess.

So, I'm trying to know what to do for the best. My rational and competent head says to feel (aka cry) with supportive family and this will release the built pressure inside. My emotional head says, "I don't trust anyone" and my other head says "they care but they don't always quite get it, and as sensitive as I am right now, any tiny misalignment could set me back quite a lot" (and I don't think this is me avoiding as when I try it kinda always does, if I'm honest....even on that last example when I found out my parents had reacted but I just hadn't seen it, once I'd found out and known they cared a lot, I still haven't managed to settle from it because, for me, I feel I was the one who had to show I was reacting a lot first - as in stress that this was important by ringing them....my goodness I'm an idiot, aren't I?!)

I'm a freak. I genuinely want to move forward. I feel I'm kicking myself down all on my own; it's quite a feat actually. I want to be one person and not this fragmented split of people or at least emotions inside. I don't know what to do anymore which is why I'm doing nothing except the things I should do and that do make me happy, or at least one part of me...I ignore the other bit.

I'm happy with no therapist - but I want to be whole. Can I do this alone?

[PinkFlamingo99]

I don't have any great advice but you aren't alone. I'm traumatized and unable to get over the pain of my exT also. I'm actually finding being in therapy with someone else helps, but I'm getting attached to her too and feel like running.

It's natural to be scared after being hurt. I don't think therapy is always necessary, maybe look at how bad things are and weigh it against the risks. Hugs.

I think if you can answer this yourself, you're half way there.

[Leah123]

If you're self-harming, I believe you need more care, but you can address it in different ways than therapy if that's what you need to do instead or to start with. That split you're referring to is concerning. Most family are not at all equipped to deal constructively with self-harm, so there's nothing wrong with you for not being helped by their responses. I would suggest consulting with your GP and considering the different types of specialists and finding someone, some partner, some system to help you.

[Perna]

I think a lot is going on in your head that you need to get out and discuss with others so your imagination doesn't take over completely. You aren't checking out what others are thinking and feeling (your ex-T and any future T) but just assuming stuff in your head and going with it. You are creating a closed loop in your thinking.

You are feeling! You can't escape that, hence the SH and feeling like you are split, etc. You are just not confronting and looking at it with someone so you can triangulate it and see it for what it is and work with it. If nothing else I would get a notebook and write out stuff, the "details", and look at them as if they were about someone else, a case story in a book sort of thing?

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Not knowing you I cannot be sure of course, but what about indulging in some cautious curiosity about your distressing condition - perhaps you could try a new T or several for general chat about whether they think they could help or even assessment sessions (these often seem cheaper than routine ones). Perhaps if you think of it as exploration you may find it easier to cope with. Just a thought.

[Abby]

Thank you for your replies.

One of the ideas would be to use my GP as a base for the moment. It's not therapy, nor can I talk about anything more emotional with her in the time frame allocated but she is consistent and that is helpful.

There is non-private help but the resources and services are terribly poor that I've not seen the public mental health team (which I was referred to after a crisis early this year) for several months. My GP is chasing this but she phones them and can't get through or anyone to ring her back if she leaves a message either. It'll be nearly a month of trying by the time I next visit my GP so we'll see if she's got anywhere by that point. If she does get through then there is then waiting for an appointment which could again take 6+ weeks. I don't rely on that service at all.

I am assuming; a lot of it is emotionally driven not rationally so, but I cannot check. I want to more than anything, just to reassure myself but I don't trust my ex-therapist to reply to me so I don't want to ask.

What would a case story in a book provide? I feel I have quite a lot of perspective because I am split and do have a rational side.

I guess I'm feeling but not willing to confront it head on. Honestly, as ridiculous as it sounds - I'm too terrified to do that. Rationally I know feelings don't and can't kill someone yet, that is my fear. What if I faced being dropped behind the cabinet - that abyss - my physical body may survive but would I? I get that is stupid to say but that is my fear.

I guess my plan has been to wait till it goes away. If I don't face it and try to limit the self harm problems it'll naturally give up freaking out? But then I guess I still won't be whole and it'll be able to be triggered again at some point.

I don't know, I'm really confused by this. Perspective, reflection and logic doesn't seem to have any traction with that other part of me. But at least positively it permits me to keep going as much as I can.

[AllHeart]

It sounds like there is so much conflict going on within you. If only 1 therapist left you because of circumstance, it would seem more than reasonable to try to find another one. It also sounds like you could benefit from a trained professional who can help heal from whatever it is that is causing you to suffer. You are fortunate to have a good support system with your family (something too many people do not have). But sometimes we need someone from the outside looking in with lots of good experience to help guide us towards good mental balance. There is no shame in that.

[Abby]

I'm feeling pretty awful. Just a bad day generally with screaming in my head about how worthless I am. I asked a friend if she gets screaming to and she said she gets very critical of herself but it doesn't scream. My head feels physically loud, I'd imagine it is the physically manifestation of anxiety.

My other ex therapist from awhile back who I traumatically left and then went into crisis which is where I started with this recent ex-t has told me not to contact her anymore as it is a barrier to me finding help.

I'm devastated. Already feel worthless and abandoned. It would be easier to know she is there. I don't rely on her, I won't contact her for weeks at a time. I've made a point of it. Clearly I'm a disgusting waste of space.

I get told "when I'm ready for help"...but I am ready for any support, but I'm incredibly afraid of trusting anyone who will stab me in the back again. I don't want to be sick anymore, and it makes me feel extra worthless when it feels I'm told that the help is there when I want it as though I'm being bad.

I'm doing the best I can. Accessing therapy is really hard when emotionally I feel I'll be stabbed. That may sound extreme, however I think a lot of people on here can relate to it. Most of the recent posts speak to it.

I need to deal with this but I can't, I'm not brave enough. And when people leave me, all I hear is - you're not worth my time. I want to be worth their time. I don't want to be worthless anymore.

Apologies for this post, feeling very emotional.

[Abby]

This is seriously slipping into a lot of my life now. I thought I could make a commitment to go self-harm free for the working week so that I'm not so ill that it affects my work (seriously need my brain in the next 4 weeks to get everything completed to a high standard!)...but I failed today. I guess I'll try again tomorrow, it has to happen at some point....this is getting stupid as it's been 2 months now. I want it to burn out already. Problem is that I want to make a commitment to stop but I did that then she left so the association is - if you're fine, people leave. Damn, that isn't reality brain! They're all leaving now too - as if I can control anything! I feel out of control.

I'm having to negotiate responses to end of therapy reports and remember sporadic appts with my GP whilst knowing deep down things are going to be a train wreck if my ex ex therapist disappears. My parents can't do anything more than they are doing, and my goodness they are hugely supportive but sitting with me for a few hours to get me over the worst of it on the evening which I have told them is my potentially worst night for self harm, whilst being the most amazing and caring thing to eve do, is also quite upsetting because I know it won't prevent anything...maybe it will give me less time? Except they'll make me eat and damn I do not want to but I will for them because I'm not a complete unappreciative disappointment. But then I have to balance that out when they leave because she'll be more angry with me... But what more can any of us do?

I need to get a grip. I want to fly off the handle at her rather than giving a measured and considered response to her report that simply asks for clarification. But that's what you have to do, push it down, be reasonable and responsible, put away your emotions and pretend. I guess I can melt down with my parents, except really...I'm very honest with them but there is only so much I feel I can pressure them with.

[XenaStrikes]

Originally Posted by Abby

I'm having a hard time and I don't know what to do. I'm trying to just forget about it because generally my life is the best it's ever been and there are hundreds of positives about it and I am happy.

Except I'm not sure I am. Well no, I am but I'm split hugely in two and honestly it is getting hard to manage. The self harm is pretty out of control. I went to see my GP who is lovely and my health is surprisingly okay but I feel pretty sick quite often. But I'm hugely pleased that I'm essentially well, it is very reassuring to me.

Being split this solidly in half, or fragmented or whatever they call it, is seriously hard to manage.

Okay, I'm not being coherent. What do I want to say? I want to move all of myself forward. I am tired of being split and self harming, and I know I have to feel in order to do so but I'm terrified of that because I have so much to do in my life, I'm balancing a lot of things that I cannot drop the ball on - and I don't want to drop the ball on! I realise self harming will eventually force my hand in the matter so maybe it is worth feeling now, but this is not something I feel safe doing without back up.

I have no therapist. My family are wonderful and supportive but they don't always 'get it'. Something important happened the other day in relation to my ex-therapist (I don't want to be specific), and immediately I text my parents sending them what I'd received, and no doubt they cared as they read it immediately but the response to me was "thanks for this, I hope you're having a good day at work - not long till the weekend". So I tried to leave it but I was freaking out and I had to ring them to essentially say "no, realise I'm freaking out - this is my stress point". And that's when I realised they had gone to read it immediately, and also that is when emotionally they did step up and respond as I needed them to (sometimes I react internally a lot but push it down externally in order to act normally yet I really need specific people around me to know I'm freaking out inside and to show that level of external care - does that make sense?). So that is positive - lots of positives in my life!

I realised tonight that what is playing out in the self harm, that I really cannot feel because I can't see a way to resolve this, is the whole "I am bad" scenario...because my therapist left me. Simply due to circumstances, so rationally I realise it is nothing to do with me at all and just a bad situation all round, but emotionally I feel she hates me and that she is.....well the image is of her dropping the doll version of me behind a cabinet and forgetting I was there and that I existed, and then moving house. I don't know what the emotion is that this image represents but it makes me feel awful. My immediate and compelling wish (which is why I've been self harming so often) is to fix it - be good, be seen and put back on the shelf - but I can't, it isn't someone I can contact and fix it with, plus there is no need to fix anything because this is all in my head, but goodness that is the impulse if I allowed myself to feel it...but feeling means reacting and I can't, or at least I don't know how to feel and not react (which is embarrassing to admit to). So I don't feel, or if I do and I'm not sure if I am, then it is coming out through self harm. I can't react externally, only to myself - does that make sense?

I don't know what to do. I'm very stressed. The recommendation is for me to get yet another therapist. But honestly, I don't know if I have the ability to go through yet another possibility of being dropped. I'd need a written contract or something to enter into yet another therapy relationship!... and even then I doubt I'd trust them. I feel I'm just noise....although yes in my rational head I get a therapist is a job not family, but there is something wrong with me emotionally, I guess.

So, I'm trying to know what to do for the best. My rational and competent head says to feel (aka cry) with supportive family and this will release the built pressure inside. My emotional head says, "I don't trust anyone" and my other head says "they care but they don't always quite get it, and as sensitive as I am right now, any tiny misalignment could set me back quite a lot" (and I don't think this is me avoiding as when I try it kinda always does, if I'm honest....even on that last example when I found out my parents had reacted but I just hadn't seen it, once I'd found out and known they cared a lot, I still haven't managed to settle from it because, for me, I feel I was the one who had to show I was reacting a lot first - as in stress that this was important by ringing them....my goodness I'm an idiot, aren't I?!)

I'm a freak. I genuinely want to move forward. I feel I'm kicking myself down all on my own; it's quite a feat actually. I want to be one person and not this fragmented split of people or at least emotions inside. I don't know what to do anymore which is why I'm doing nothing except the things I should do and that do make me happy, or at least one part of me...I ignore the other bit.

I'm happy with no therapist - but I want to be whole. Can I do this alone?

In my opinion, and it is only an opinion, I would stick with the Therapist until your broken wings are mended and you can fly.

I view Therapy as a bus ride, there is a point you do have to get off but it would be helpful to stick with it until you are more confident with yourself.

I wish you the best of luck