Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

Not to worry. The day will come when you will never hear from me again, it's just not today.

I would guess so too

I'm mad at you. That is all.

Dear G, sometimes I wish you could be my mom. Which could never have been possible, because you are only 10 years older than me. It's just that you are so nice and caring and gentle and tender with me. How could I ever forget you wiping tears from my eyes? How could I ever forget you telling me in an email that I am amazing and brave? How could I ever forget the time I asked for a hug and you said "always!" and smiled so vibrantly at me and opened your arms wide to embrace me? How could I not want you to be more than a temporary person in my life? Why do you have to be SO nice, SO kind, SO sweet, and NOT expect me to fall head over heels for you? I am contradicting myself now, but sometimes I wish you weren't SO, SO, SO everything I've longed for, because then it wouldn't be so hard to say goodbye to you in December and never see you again.

Dear G, sometimes I wish we had never started hugging. Sometimes I think I wouldn't have become so emotionally enmeshed with you if we didn't hug each other. And yet, I crave your hugs. When you hug me I feel special, I feel like I matter.

Dear T: Have I told you lately that you're awesome?!

Dear G, what made you reach out like that and wipe that tear away from my eye? Did you have any idea how such tenderness would affect me? Sometimes I feel like you set me up to feel this way about you. I told you almost right from the beginning about these feelings of attachment to you, and yet you still did all these sweet things that would further intensify my feelings for you. Why? Do you have any idea how much this hurts?

Dear G, why do I have all these confusing and conflicting feelings about you? One minute I love you and I feel utterly grateful to you, and 2 minutes later I feel angry at you, but I can hardly even acknowledge that because I don't want to be mad at you.

I don't understand WHY you did this to me. WHY you took HER into your confidence and told her my business. I can't understand it at all. It makes no sense. I thought you were .......doesn't matter now what I thought. I was wrong. You were just looking to gang up against me with her. HER, HER, HER, are you crazy??? You'd have to be to do this to me.

Why didn't you own up to what you'd done? WHY?? YOU TURNED YOUR BACK ON ME FOR HER!! You betrayed me in the worst way possible. Are you related or something?? What is it about HER that you fell for?? That you would risk your job for HER? I don't get it and I don't understand why you didn't just explain what happened and ask me to forgive you.

I look at that picture of you online, and I'm overwhelmed. And I fantasize, again, about you and me together. And I break down again, and I hate myself. And I realize how insignificant and superfluous I am and wish I were gone.

I'm in a really bad place again. I see you both this week and everything is so log-jammed in my head. IDK where to even begin.

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I am quickly coming to the conclusion that I am unhelpable.

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Dear T,

I am feeling very insecure, and greatly lacking in self confidence. I can hardly wait to see you on Tuesday.

I wish you would call me and tell me that everything is going to be ok.

hey t! it's a new work week. i'm going to do that visualization thing that we did the other day, as I go in the building, and will 'step into' camp-counselor-swimming-instructor-confident me and see if that makes a difference today.

p.s. I'm so glad you're back!!!

Dear MC,
I completely adore you. You giving me advice for my job interview tomorrow was weirdly endearing, particularly you showing me in an exaggerated manner the various ways that I should not sit to demonstrate about the importance of body language. And it's like you genuinely care and want me to do good and also have faith in me. When all my parents will say (and did say) is stuff like "Make sure you're not late!" and "Be sure to pick out your clothes the night before." (Yeah, I know, total paternal transference there, but it's not like that's news to you.)

I just felt really connected to you today. I hope if I get this job that we really can work something out, as you said, so that we can keep seeing you. (I know you have some evening hours, but I'm not sure if they're all slotted for people already.) I just want you to stay in my life...

Dear T:
I want to give up on life. I swore I'd never get this way again but my body is betraying me. I'm 35 and feel like my body is that of a 70 year old.

Dear G, the past week has been absolute chaos inside my head, loving you, being mad at you, feeling like I am in love with you, hating you for being so kind, sweet, gentle and tender. But today I feel nothing but despair. I need to talk about my transference issues with you, but it's still 9 days before I see you again.

Dear G, I was drawn to you from the very first time I met you.

T,
congratulations, you can procreate. again.

Why am I jealous of your baby? I feel like a jealous toddler. I'm a parent. How do you **** me up so?

Dear T,

I am both looking forward to tomorrow's session, and nervous about it.

Me

dear t: i guess you probably already know this but 15 is crazy about you all over again. I'm not going to fight her on it this time. She needs to be allowed to feel what she feels, right, because that's what was missing before? i think i may want to talk about this next time. be ready 'k?

T, at random moments this new medication gets me high as a ****ing kite. And still, all I can see is your face. The fantasies about you have gotten more intense though, so that's one pretty neat side-effect.

I dreamt that you were not leaving anymore and I was so stupidly happy and was still feeling light when I woke up.

Why do you all dump me? You all say how nice and kind I am and then I'm always a reject. I hate you all. I hate my life so much. F*** it. F*** it F*** it F*** it.