Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

Dear G,

Do you have any idea how much power you have over me? Do you guess what my feelings for you are? Do you know how important it is to me to be liked by you? Do you have any idea what it's like to be the one with transference issues? Will you be disgusted by me if I tell you that I think my feelings for you are romantic? Do you have any idea how agonizing it is for me to have these feelings for you? I wish I could just put you out of my mind. I am afraid this is going to end very badly. I've written a letter to read to you at our next session, but I'm afraid I might chicken out.

Another night I don't have you because you had to have her to satisfy your huge ego trip. Have you noticed that you're never really satisfied? Therapy is all about YOU isn't it?

Why, why, why did I let myself fall for you like this? I am in agony over my transference to you.

Thank you for today. Your house is beautiful. Well, the outside of it anyway! I can't imagine the inside of it being any less beautiful. You are so funny what you said about owning a pool now. Be proud of me for resisting the impulse to ask to see it. But I meant it when I said you should take swimming lessons!!

You are one miserable rotten low-life. Did she bring you down to her level? Or were you BOTH just rotten from birth?

You are miserable for using MY IDEAS, MY WORDS and MY SUGGESTIONS as if they were your own.

FIND ANOTHER CLIENT TO USE AND HUMILIATE YOU PIECE OF WORK!!

(correction- I don't want anyone else to suffer like I have been. I just wish I never told him anything because he is benefiting from ME after he almost destroyed me. Think about that you miserable creature.)

I appreciate yesterday's appointment. I am going to try really hard to be the person that I want to be. I love that I can tell you ANYTHING and still you don't judge me. I appreciate that you tell me that what I'm doing isn't bad but it can hurt me and you don't want to see me hurt. I am going to try to respect and honor my friend, like the Buddhist monk told me, instead of lusting after her.

Finding out that there are many other women who have had bad experiences with you does not make me feel better at all. It makes me more angry. It makes me feel so sad and so bad for them. I cannot understand how anyone can treat people, especially women, the way you have. There's no accountability. It's sad to know that others have been damaged. You seem to be a sociopath.

It's horrible that so many narcissistic people end up being therapists. It sounds like he is definitely one.

Dear ex-T,

Please come back to work. I need someone who I can trust and who understands me. These two therapists you referred me to don't get it. I'm in crisis and they just sit there and look at me like ok so you are in crisis what do you want me to do. I don't feel like I'm being heard. I feel like I have regressed drastically and I'm at the point of shutting down and giving up. In fact I've already given up. I've given into bad behaviors things I shouldn't have done. Please I need someone soon.

I'm so sorry to hear the two therapists aren't helping you but please don't give up. Your ex T believes in you and so do we hope it is possible for your ex T to return to work

T, I'm afraid that you would be disappointed with my efforts to stop lusting after my friend. How am I going to go two weeks before I can talk to you about this again?

28 days until I see you again. It gives me anxiety. Since I started seeing you again, the longest I've been without you was 2 weeks. You talked about not seeing eachother for a month like it's so easy for me. Like it's nothing. So I haven't said anything about that I find it hard. But didn't it come across your mind that it could be hard for me?
4 whole weeks without anyone to talk to in real life. I just want to sleep for those weeks and wake up when it's the day of our session. How sad is that. Gosh, I'm so useless.

I totally get that!

Dear T,
Did your face flush or was that my imagination?
I wish I had stated my request better. I hope you understood the sentiment I intended. It wasn't a flirt, I promise (not even a subconscious one.) I just felt rude for not looking you in the eye our whole session. I can't stand the fact that I can sit in a room with someone, and talk about this important stuff, and not look you in the eye once.

I just wanted to say, "Hello, I see you and acknowledge that you're seeing me too, and that we're in this room together. I know I'm not alone when I'm here and I acknowledge your presence and careful attention."

But... woman, that "Hi" you gave me back, was ... some form of pure energy. How do I learn to do that?

Well you are officially on vacation now. 2 weeks until I see you again. After the couple of emails I sent you I am not sure I want to see you. It will be a hard decision when the time comes. I just am feeling like you would rather me not come back.

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Darling T,

I don't want to text you how I feel all of the time because I don't want you to think I need something from it. I don't. All I need from it is to just be able to tell someone how I am feeling by doing this is helps me share it and not feel so much alone. I know I don't have to clarify this to you and you already know that. I just feel Ike I am going to mess something up amd I don't want that something to be you. I don't understand why I miss you. I don't understand why I feel the way I do. I don't understand why I feel like this and today, inside. I feel so torn and split apart. Confused, like a human who can't understand anything. Lost in a void of pain and hurt.

EM

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I see you tomorrow, and feel like I have SO MUCH i want to talk about, but not sure what is most imporant for me. UGH. I feel like my intenstines are coming out of my body--and the natural reaction is to shove those intestines back in the body, except you really can't because of all the bacteria, so you are forced to deal with intestines outside your body, which is not pleasant to say the least. AHH.

Dear G, it's been 4 days since I told you once again about my attachment to you getting stronger. I've gone through a roller coaster of emotions in the last 4 days. After spending several hours by the river this afternoon, collecting interesting rock and taking lots of pictures on my phone and eating blackberries off the bushes, my thoughts have untangled, and I'm feeling so much better this evening. I still don't know if I will tell you about the romantic aspect of my feelings for you, but I still have 12 days to figure that out.

**** it, doesn't matter.

Dear T,

My feelings are all confused.
I have told you I have caring feelings toward you like I have caring feelings, love, for PrevT.
Maternal-ish feelings.

I feel you care. I feel connected. I feel comforted. I feel protected. I feel guided.
But I think most of these feelings originate with me. They come from me, right?

I remember I felt love for PdocAbuser, too. I cared about him. I felt so happy to be able to feel love for him. I felt connected, comforted, protected, guided. But he turned my feelings into something else. He sexualized our relationship.

I still feel wary about caring for you and PrevT. I wonder since I felt similar feelings for PdocAbuser...was this love? Were my feelings real? These feelings came from me. They didn't come from PdocAbuser, PrevT or you.

Are my feelings love, at all? Are they something else- with a fancy psychological name? Am I being tricked? Are my feelings valid? Are my feelings wrong? Am I confused? Am I being foolish?

It just took a puff of smoke to reveal that I did not really feel love for PdocAbuser..when I was betrayed.
I just have these doubts..these cautions.

Love should not be easily dissuaded.
Are my feelings for you and PrevT as thin as a veil?
What would it take to tear my caring feelings away from you?

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We are not done talking about you, PrevT, PdocAbuser and love/caring - whatever it is.
But I won't talk about it easily.

My doubts, fears, cautions remain.

And when I think about my relationship with you with a cautious heart, I am so sad.
It makes me feel unanchored.

My doubt, fears, cautions remain because I did feel caring for PdocAbuser and that was so stupid and careless of me. How can I feel those same feelings for anyone else and it be a good thing?
I don't want to be stupid or careless ever again. It has been more painful than any divorce. The pain is still with me. I am still confused.

And my fears remain because I am afraid of some psychological trick....like maybe you are supposed to give me unconditional positive regard...because it's what psychologists do...not because you really want to.
----

I want to know that you do care about me ...(not sexual)...at the same time-I am afraid you might.

do your other clients know that talking to you, is like talking through a bullhorn? You broadcast everyone's sessions all over the state!! I hope you don't attend AA because that is supposed to be confidential. You don't know what the word means. You don't have any respect for your clients. Why don't you put a sign out that "only the beautiful need call me, I will trash the rest of you". You are a low-life scum bag who doesn't care who you hurt.

Dear T,

So after a 2 year gap here I am again...reaching out to you. I thought I could cope but I was wrong. I feel like a failure. I was amazed you agreed so readily to work with me because I know I'm not a model client and I must frustrate you a lot but thank you for doing that. I expected you to reject me like before but you said you were wrong to give me ultimatums. How do we restart after so long? I barely talk to you at the best of times! I'm glad we're not doing face to face therapy to start with. I know you wanted to but I really can't face you. Dropping payment off in fear of meeting you was hard enough. Was hoping the place would be closed. Hope you didn't see me. I have no idea how to talk to you but I hope I can.

Ps I really don't like your new office and I don't know why you thought telling me there was a coffee shop on the next floor would help. I'm not sure I could go there and talk to you...it doesn't seem as private and I'd feel exposed. Maybe email would be for the best now. Thanks again though

I was so so angry with you for a week but now I've calmed down. Is this why you space out your sessions? So I get an ordinary week after feeling so much anger or despair for a week after seeing you?

My insides miss you. I wonder what would happen if I wasn't too ashamed to text that to you right now...

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