Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

Thank you.

Struggling very badly here. As neither of you can help, I am just trying to stick it out.

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Trigger warning:






i am so glad that i really hate blood/that kind of pain, because my knife is glittering at me so beautifully

Dear G, your holidays are almost over, and it's 5 days until I see you next, and I am getting so anxious because I have to tell you about the romantic aspect of my transference to you. I still can hardly eat, my appetite has been barely there since I started writing this letter to you, planning what I'm going to say. I'm so worried about how you might respond or not respond. I'm so scared that you will be disgusted by me and not want to have anything to do with me anymore. I am afraid that you might not want to hug me anymore. If you reject me because of these feelings for you that I wish I didn't have, I think it would hurt so much that I would want to kill myself.

Dear G, please don't be revolted by me when I tell you about my feelings for you. Please don't abandon me the way so many people have. Please understand the torment I am in.

I still think he might be playing you. He knows how much you want in on the action.
Sometimes men are right stupid. Even the awesome ones like you.

T,

Todays session was rough. The pain and hopelessness that I felt. You were not totally there today. Your mind was on something else. I wish you would hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I need you and it feels like something has changed. I hope I am just being sensitive or paranoid. Why does therapy have to be so hard?

I see now the similarities between you two. All that you had "in common". Ha! I just never thought you would stoop to her level. If someone had let me know I would have ended things with you much sooner. If someone let me know, it could have save me some embarrassment. It could have saved me some dignity. It could have saved me some tears.

IF ONLY SOMEONE HAD THE HEART TO LET ME KNOW THEY WERE EXPLOITING ME TO THE UMPF DEGREE!

Dear MC,
Wish you were here to hold me tonight. I feel like you more than anyone else would be able to make me feel better about the job thing. Which for some reason I seem unable to let myself cry about. Maybe I'm saving it for when I see you on Monday? Anyway, still wish you were here...

Dear t: I am really stressing over this house-buying stuff and work right now. But you know what, I guess I oughta be proud of myself for one thing anyway. I'm reaching out to friends and talking to hubby and I haven't bothered you about it. Last week when I saw you it wasn't getting to me this bad yet, but since then it's like every damn day something else is a problem with getting the loan and at work it's been crazy-busy and people have been more demanding and mean than usual so I'm an emotional puddle before I even get home, then have to deal with the loan crap. If I make it to next thursday w/out bothering you, well damn what do I need you for? Actually I know the answer to that question. I've gotten far enough to have learned how to rely on other people for help when I wig out, but would really truly honestly love to get to a place where I don't wig out in the first place.....

Dear T
I didn't realize my husband called you or why when you spoke to me you acted so angry. I was trying to understand what was happening. When you yelled at me to shut up, I felt myself break. I can't speak of this in person but that night I did some dangerous behavior. I felt hurt and confused and no one would or could explain what was going on. I have doubts about seeing you any more and that will break my heart.

T2, if we could just forget the last 15 minutes of the previous session ever happened, that would be excellent.

I wish u hadn't cancelled today. I really needed to talk.... But a friend stepped up to help.

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dear T

ANXIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! see you in an hour for group

me

Dear T
It was lovely to see you last session. And I felt that you were glad to see me too. Maybe the break helped me/ us out of the transference bog, but it was so good to feel back in the room again

Dear Pdoc

I'm not sure if I should go to my appointment with you. I think this everytime when it's close to the date. I don't know what to do. These meds aren't working enough. I don't know if I should keep you as my pdoc or that it's better to go to another one. I can't handle these feelings for you. It cause me to much hurt, sadness, anxiety. Maybe if I won't see you anymore, the feelings will go away.

I'm not even sure if I should continue therapy. Therapy, medication... I feel like nothing is going to help me. I don't think I can be helped.

Not sure if I should tell you this. It's so hard for me to talk about personal things.

I am really, really afraid that I will never forget you, that I will never find someone who loves me and doesn't abandon me and that I will never be able to get over abandonments and to stop meds now.
I am afraid that this pain, uncertainty, distress, anguish and longing will never stop. Then it would not be life.

I don't seem to be able to stand up and move on any further.

#
You're obsession with trying to control MY LIFE can be traced back to your inability to control your own life and those around you. Think about it!!

dear T

thanks for handing me the prn pill case on my keys during group. i wasnt gonna do it cuz i didnt want everyone staring at me. i already felt like they were. i think you knew things were bad and i think u also knew that i felt paranoid about taking the prn in front of the group. so when u handed it to me without saying anything it felt safer and ok. and im glad you did because i feel better now. i feel weird from not enough sleep so i hope my nap helps.

me

ps wanna say thank you again for telling me your struggle with delusions and letting go of them while u were manic. it helps me to know you have struggled too and that i can sit across from you now and see you as a happy healthy man. it gives me hope. i hope i get there some day. i think i will.

[
You are a miserable human being for breaking my confidentiality with someone like her. You never should have told ANYONE ON EARTH my business. You had NO LEGAL RIGHT TO DO SO!!

I will live without you, I will live without all the others you turned against me. I probably know better than any of your clients how to live without. When your time comes that you need someone, I hope you find no one there, just like you did to me. Left me with NO ONE.

Some day you should know what it's like.

I am so afraid I ruined everything and I'll have to leave. If this is going to end and if it's going to be because of my own stupidity, I don't think I'll ever recover. Thinking of you makes me cry, and I know you could be the scar that wouldn't ever heal.

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I wish I didn't have these feelings of romantic attraction to you. The one thing that was good about being on such a high dose of seroquel is that I didn't have any sexual desire, and now, on a much lower dose, it's starting to come back, and I DON'T WANT IT. Sex is way too scary.

[
Why was I the one you picked to treat so badly? Why me? Haven't I suffered enough in this life? You had to add to it.

I'm struggling at work and I'm feeling pretty low about it. I'm tired of being "weird" , the neurotic one, the typical artist type. Tired of being judged as I try to take on corporate bull sheet stuff I'm just no good at. I just want people in my life who are positive and praise me and like me for me, and help me with the things I struggle with.

The world doesn't care if I have a rough history, have a mental illness or if I have a learning disorder. I need you more than ever to make up for the deficit in support in my life. I know it is a lot to ask of one person, and maybe unfair.

I don't want to go down the road of feeling suicidal again but I feel like I'm drowning.