Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

Dear possibly former T and Pdoc, since things are up in the air with insurance and future covered providers, and Dear very first T from when I was 9 or 10,

My very first session at such a tender age began with "this is not your fault." At the time it angered me, I found it dismissive of my comprehension of the situation, at the time. And it perhaps struck a nerve with the condescending tonality that I was exposed to, albeit at the time too young to recognize. Had an aunt once question if it had to do with the age bracket he was exposed to educating, but that's a digression of a more complex scenario.
I thought of that very first session, today, as I've been reexposed to behavior that brings that expression in for a grand slam home run, of sorts. It transcends the whole your parents divorced, this is not your fault impression.
I deared pdoc in this salutation since combined with "this is not your fault" comes his statement of "that was his choice."

Deception...original description of the running through a toll in my registered vehicle after I walked into the airport for my flight for my vacation.
Not accepting responsibility...the response about the fine.
Blaming...yes, the checked box for the type of filed divorce of my stepmother....how he portrayed my late mother last visit and her fault in divorce..as it was in the beginning with a twist.
Only attending therapy long enough to spout off about others, no look in the mirror, no step four...check.

Oh I forget the rest of the new book authors list that differentiated from self assured, confident, mislabeled types.

This dear post is a bit choppy, by virtue of being sleepy and trying to write it out.

Purpose is to mention my therapy came around full circle in thirty years. My therapy has been about learning to cope, discovery of my needs, introspection, assertion and various life skills.
"This isn't my fault, he made a choice. "

-Me

Why don't you ever check on me to see if I'm okay? I don't think it's right that I have to deal with this alone. I'm sad, lonely, and depressed and I know that there's a way out of this but I just can't get it. I don't understand how to do it. I need you. You say I don't need you and that it's all inside me but I can't find it. Please. Why can't you feel that I'm hurting? Why can't you sense it? We don't live that far apart. I'm calling you with my mind but you aren't answering. Please pick up. I don't understand what this intense sadness is even about. Or, I don't want it to be what I thought it might be about.

If I yell your name would you hear me?

Dear T,

I have been leaving you alone the past few days. Good luck with your surgery tomorrow. I'm thinking good thoughts about you all day long. I hope my good thoughts find you and comfort you.

Have peaceful dreams tonight. I hope you can tell yourself that many people care about you and support you-because it is true...and that your dreams will listen and take you to kind and gentle places.

I am not doing well. I'm not going to tell you that, of course, but I am not doing well.

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Dear ex-T,

I still miss you.

T, I did what you suggested. When I'd finished, I promptly lapsed into a bout of hysterics. What I'd written was too terrible and painful to look at. Nothing will be accomplished by it. NOTHING IS THAT SIMPLE AND ALL POTENTIAL SOLUTIONS ARE LIES. I don't want to see you tomorrow. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to wake up.

I don't know how you live with yourself after what you did to me. Carrying on with people behind my back that you met from knowing me. STILL talking about ME!! You have not learned anything. You are a LOUSY THERAPIST!! YOU ARE A FAKE!! YOU ARE A MISERABLE EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING!! I will be sure to remind you of what you did to me. I HATE YOU!

I wish I had spent that session talking about how low I am instead of skirting round it and now I feel just as bad plus p'ed off at myself for wasting a session.

I'm sorry that I made you cry. I feel really bad about it. I'll try to be less sad and pathetic in our next session.

I miss you, but I am also terrified to see you again in a couple weeks. Will I ever trust you enough to help me?

how are we supposed to FIND A WAY? It's you the one who left. You leave or you don't, we have sessions or we don't. I think it's only black or white here, or do we have a mid option like mind-reading at a distance!? I'm really curious about it, only hearing what brilliant idea you have in mind is worth coming to session.
Ah come on, help me let you go. Please.

Dear Pdoc

It's raining outside. And there's some thunder. I wish I could be with you. I wish I could sit next to you on the couch. Your arm around me. And just watch some tv together. Talk a little bit.

I don't want these feelings. I don't want to long for you. I know I can never be with you. I don't want to long for something I'll never have or experience. I won't ever have someone who I will love and who will love me. I know I'll always be alone (unless I would settle for someone I'm not interested in, but I don't want that). These feelings, this longing, it's hurting me. It makes me so sad. I want those feelings gone.

I'm feeling so lonely. You would think that after so many years alone and never have known the love and touch of a guy, that I would be used to that. I wish I didn't long for love and touch and everything. But I do. And it hurts, knowing that I won't ever feel that.

Why does it all feel so pointless?

Dear T,

Please don't be too disappointed in me.

I wish I could really tell you what I really feel about you. We talk around it and you've even asked me and I deny it because it embarrasses me. I can't really have any feelings about you at all because you aren't real- I only know the work part of you, and while you are kind and thoughtful and caring and that's real, if you, the whole person, knew me in "real life" you would have nothing to do with me. You would hate me like everyone else does.

dear t: next week i wanna talk about something that scares me. the closer my son gets to 18 (he'll turn 17 on 11/2) the more acute my fear gets. you see, one of my dear friends, and i fear so much that the same thing could happen with my son. i don't know why. i know it's irrational. he is a very well adjusted 16 year old. at least, that i am aware of. but what my friend went through... i don't know that i could survive it. i don't know how to even begin to talk about this but i need to. sometimes it keeps me awake at night, the fear. i really need you to help me with this.

It's hard to believe you were going to try to coerce me into being her friend. Did it ever occur to you to ask? I mean if you explained to me that she needed a friend because no one else wanted to play the role, well maybe I would have considered. Instead you just tried to force her on me. You played a deceptive trick to coerce me and when it didn't work out, you dropped me like a hot potato. Is that what they taught you at the University? To secretly coerce people to do what YOU WANT THEM TO DO? I'm not into control freak therapists.

I think you need to take a course on how to help your clients. Maybe try an internship at the hospital to learn about listening, communicating and ethics.

Got lots and nothing to say. Ho hum

Dear old therapist,
you never treated me right. and you call yourself an LPCC!!!! you are full of **** that I came to you . you don't show me your treatment plans for my anxiety and depression . I guess you're not a real counselor old therapist .you make yourself look good on paper but you don't practice what you preach .im seeing a better more qualified therapist now who is also an experienced registered nurse . it proves to show that you weren't cut up to be a therapist at all my ex therapist . its no wonder no one goes to you anymore or the counseling center that you're affiliated with . I think people got the word how bad you and the clinic are . you pissed me off . I will never come back to you or the clinic if you and that clinic was the last clinic on earth.

Dear T

A week ago was our session. Normally I would have session today, but you're on vacation. In a beautiful country, probably with your boyfriend and daughter. I'm here, all alone. I'm jealous on you. It hurts so much. You have so much, I have so little. I won't ever know how it feels so be happy. Or content. I know you think things can get better for me. At least you say that, but what do you really think?

I should talk to you about this. But it's so hard. Because it's also about you.
I'm once again thinking that it's better to quit with therapy. And also to quit with pdoc and meds. There's nothing that will make me feel better. I've been feeling like this for 1 year and 8 months now. So the last two months I've felt a little less bad. But I'm starting to go back to how I felt before these anti-depressant.

3 more weeks. How am I going to get through that?

You looked beautiful today.

T i am a giant bundle of emotion again or still. I start to get a grip and then it overwhelms me again. I have no choice but to feel my way thru. I have been doing that and it gets better but comes back so i guess I'm not letting myself feel it all. I dunno cept i hate how i feel atm.
Maybe I'll take a day off work and go out in the desert and let it all come and not go home til I'm purged of it. I wish i was seeing u today instead of next week

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We talked about hard things today. They may have seemed easy, but just the fact that we talked about them has left me feeling incredibly anxious. Talking about love or lack of lack of love, hurts so much. I appreciate it when you say you love me. I mostly believe you, but there's a part of me that finds it hard to trust anything.

I just left you a can telling you what I've really been struggling with. I am sure you will be nice about it but I'm just hoping you understand and can read between the lines and reassure me about it. I'm feeling more and more lonely and afraid everyday and I'm trying so hard to change my life for the better and I'm hoping by talking to you and sharing with you that I can move forward instead of staying stuck in self destruct mode.

Dear T

I am kind of angry that you took such a long vacation when I have such a short time left with you. I know it is your birthday but still couldn't you have taken it towards the end of October or November.