[SydneyD30]

im having a really hard time right now trying to figure out which side of the fine line my therapy is falling on when it comes to being 'good enough'. there are so many things my therapist does right and just the fact that ive continued to go to them is astounding. they seem to understand me. they do not label me with right or wrong diagnoses. they are consistent and available. they are not pushy. however there are also things i just do not understand about them and feel they don't get or do well. for example. in the past they had known i was having suicidal thoughts but never asked me about them. i dont know if they assume i won't actually do anything so it's not important enough to talk about, if they don't want to talk about it, if they don't want to make me uncomfortable, or what. they have never offered to give me terms or meanings of symptoms/conditions, i have found out on my own about many things. they dont ask me about SI, ever. they will let me sit in prolonged silence when i feel lost, unable to find words, scared or whatever. i know that they sort of keep a distance because thats how i want it. i am phobic of needing anything or depending on them much at all. but aren't there are just certain things that make sense in themselves that would come from them as a counselor i? 'm not able to initiate or bring stuff up on my own. they know that. so it seems like i'm often left floundering and without much direction. maybe they're a little too gung ho on forcing, what is it, where they put me in the place of having to bring things up, say what i need, etc. but basic psycho education about me and my issues? asking somebody when you know they've been more depressed than usual and thinking of suicide? what i have is very hard to find a counselor for even in major cities, let alone in nowheresville here, so even when i think maybe i'll find someone else, i know i won't. and im terrified that it would just be worse somewhere else, and it probably would. i need but i can't need. sometimes, like now, i just get to a place where i think maybe i should just give up.

[Leah123]

Have you shared all these concerns with your therapist? Once you do that and get their reaction and see if you can resolve your concerns, then I think you'll have what you need to know what side of the line you're on.

[SydneyD30]

thanks. i know you're right but i can't. i guess thats what im saying is when it is impossible for me to bring something up, it would be nice if they helped me get started. so maybe we're at a stand off/still. i might be able to bring up why they don't tell me things...actually i've just expressed frustration before that ive had to find some things out on my own because THEY didn't tell me. but to bring up suicidal stuff or SI? i'll think on how i might be able to queue things. but i don't think very fluidly while in T. i tend to have 'ant under a magnifying glass' syndrome. maybe that needs a dsm code.

[Leah123]

Sometimes I email those things, or print them out to share, then I don't have to be so clear-headed in session, the work's done for me.

I think other Ts may be better or worse or the same, hard to say, but that no matter who you see, there will be concerns. So, whereever you go, the issue of having a hard time sharing your concerns will follow and it might be worth making it happen now, even though I know it's hard.

[Chummy]

Maybe they don't know that you would like help to bring things up?
And maybe they assume you already know things and that's why they didn't offer you terms and meanings etc? When I started all this therapy stuff, I haven't been explained lots of things. Over the years I found out things, read about things and now I wonder why I haven't been offered information then.
I agree with above. You could write in short what you want to talk about and tell them it's hard for you to start talking about it and you would like them to help you.

About the SI, m T doesn't ask me about it either. I once told her in an email how bad it was. We talked a little bit about it in the next session. But she hasn't asked me about it after that session, while I was doing really bad for many months. I was afraid to bring it up. I still think about it, but I don't tell her. A few times I was really close to doing it, but I didn't tell her that. I get the feeling she doesn't want to talk about SI. She is a great T, but I wonder why she doesn't check in with me about those thoughts. Maybe because I've said that I (probably) would never act on it? Maybe T's are just oncomfortable talking about SI? My pdoc does ask me about it.

[SydneyD30]

thank you both. you both make good points. it doesn't matter where i go or who my T would be i would have the same huge challenges communicating and the same phobia of needing anything and having to speak up. i would still dwell on the good for a while and be ok with things, and later dwell on the negative and get spooked and wonder if i should leave.
Chummy i agree with you on the SI and therapists not wanting to talk about it. even therapists who are great in so many ways, very likely have strong aversions to such a topic. i get that. it just makes me feel like its an aversion to ME.
i have written things down before to take in. sometimes it has been helpful. sometimes it gets read and never really dealt with. sometimes i take it but don't end up having the guts to hand it over. but i do think you're on to something that i should write this stuff down as IF i were trying to articulate it to my T and it will help me sort it out, even if i don't end up saying much.
thanks again to you both.

[Leah123]

I'm sorry it is so hard. I can't speak for what your therapist's process is or the reasons for it, but I will say that my therapist is extremely careful not to push me on difficult topics- she is strongly invested, based on her training and experience, in not traumatizing or controlling or directing clients, so she won't discuss a topic with me until I tell her I want to in pretty direct terms. And yes, that can be hard for me, but I've come to really appreciate it. So, it's possible your therapist is trying to follow your lead. However, whatever they are trying to do for whatever reason, I'm so sorry it feels personal and I hope you get some relief soon.