I couldn't say anything back I just sat silently I feel weird about it but it isn't personal to him I don't feel connected to anyone or anything I don't even feel like I am real or in this world like I am just floating around bumping into things and apologizing because I don't belong there I don't belong anywhere. It is like I am trapped in this fake world with all these fake things and fake people or creatures. Like maybe when I was born I slipped into the wrong dimension and can't find my way back. I don't feel human I look at them and they aren't like me their movements they way their brains process things like they can't see all the other things around them they way they talk and ignore each others true feelings but say they are being kind and caring. How do you know if something is real? I am scared to be in this world sometimes because it knows I am not meant to be here and wants to hurt me I can feel it everything all the trees the people even the buildings don't want me here and I want to talk to someone but I am scared to talk to my psychologist because he may tell other people who can hurt me and then I will have to run but it won't be safe anywhere because they will always be able to see me and I don't know what to do I don't feel very good i am sorry.

[TheWell]

I was watching "I Bought a Zoo" this weekend and something that the main character said came up when I read your post. "Sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of bravery." I think you should use those 20 seconds to tell your therapist what you said here. He can help you if you let him.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Some of the things you talk about seem more than just the OCD.

I would show your T some of the stuff you have written.

[Georgia Bridge]

E-gads that sounds terrifying! My therapist... I can't talk to her at all anymore. She studied me like I was from her textbooks, made her own conclusions. It feels like my own self is not allowed, she doesn't listen to anything I say... especially if it contradicts her decisions. Just the slightest hint of disagreement with her feels dangerous... and of course her status in society makes her opinion correct. I know my going on and on is probably annoying. I've felt similar to what you seem to be experiencing, but it was a long time ago and hard to think about. You do belong here though... not helping probably. I bet the trees and the breeze aren't at all of the same opinion as they seem to be.☔.

[Crescent Moon]

That would be very weird for me to hear early in therapy. I just remember my therapist, nearly every time I saw her for the first six months or so, asking me how therapy or the relationship was working for me. She really wanted to know. She kept telling me that she is not perfect, and that if I didn't tell her if something was going wrong, then she would not be able to fix it. I'll never forget the day she said "I've got to be able to trust that you will tell me if there is anything about this relationship that's not working. If you will tell me, then we will work it out together." That was huge for me. And the main thing is that it wasn't about her at all. It was all focused on me. Not how she felt, or whether things were working for her. It was an amazing way to handle me, that's for sure. I'd have freaked out if she had told me she felt connected to me.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by TheWell

I was watching "I Bought a Zoo" this weekend and something that the main character said came up when I read your post. "Sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of bravery." I think you should use those 20 seconds to tell your therapist what you said here. He can help you if you let him.

"Sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage."
I actually used that quote with my T recently!

Originally Posted by Crescent Moon

That would be very weird for me to hear early in therapy. I just remember my therapist, nearly every time I saw her for the first six months or so, asking me how therapy or the relationship was working for me. She really wanted to know. She kept telling me that she is not perfect, and that if I didn't tell her if something was going wrong, then she would not be able to fix it. I'll never forget the day she said "I've got to be able to trust that you will tell me if there is anything about this relationship that's not working. If you will tell me, then we will work it out together." That was huge for me. And the main thing is that it wasn't about her at all. It was all focused on me. Not how she felt, or whether things were working for her. It was an amazing way to handle me, that's for sure. I'd have freaked out if she had told me she felt connected to me.

I am not new to seeing him i have been seeing him for about 4 years i have just struggled to talk to him fo a long time because talking is very hard for me to do. I am not annoyed he said that i just feel bad that i didnt say anything like maybe he thinks i hate him now.

Originally Posted by TheWell

I was watching "I Bought a Zoo" this weekend and something that the main character said came up when I read your post. "Sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of bravery." I think you should use those 20 seconds to tell your therapist what you said here. He can help you if you let him.

I dont know how to start though everytime i try they tell me not to and i cant because they say it isnt safe and then i get too scared.

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Some of the things you talk about seem more than just the OCD.

I would show your T some of the stuff you have written.

Well i have BPD, Major depression, GAD and social anxiety as well as the OCD. But my psychologist saod he wants to make sure there is nothing else going on as well and my psychiatrist agreed. But they havent said anything else.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by eden1515

Well i have BPD, Major depression, GAD and social anxiety as well as the OCD. But my psychologist saod he wants to make sure there is nothing else going on as well and my psychiatrist agreed. But they havent said anything else.

The way you talk about the OCD almost like it's a person and that it's going to harm you. Like with depression, one would say "I stay in bed because I'm depressed" not "the depression makes me stay in bed. You have given the OCD it's own identity.

Same with saying the trees and buildings don't want you. It's one thing to feel like you don't fit in, but saying abuilding has desires or feelings?

I don't know if it would be considered delusions or hallucinations or ? But it goes beyond the diagnoses you listed.

I've had the feeling in the past that I was somehow not quite real like other people were. That I was not a proper person. That feeling has really faded now. I didn't ever feel that way about the trees and buildings, but I can see that it is an extension of the other feelings. I say to myself that I have just as much right to be here as others.

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

The way you talk about the OCD almost like it's a person and that it's going to harm you. Like with depression, one would say "I stay in bed because I'm depressed" not "the depression makes me stay in bed. You have given the OCD it's own identity.

Same with saying the trees and buildings don't want you. It's one thing to feel like you don't fit in, but saying abuilding has desires or feelings?

I don't know if it would be considered delusions or hallucinations or ? But it goes beyond the diagnoses you listed.

It is not a person it is an entity of some kind but it is its own being sometimes i talk with it but only really when i am apologizing. And the trees do have feelings everything does when i was younger i used to apologize for sitting on the furniture because i didnt want to hurt it. Everything has feelings everything i dont understand why people cant seem to feel it sorry. I just i dont know what to do i am sorry.

[ScarletPimpernel]

No need to apologize. I just think you need to talk to your T about it. You won't take meds, and you don't talk to your T about everything. You can't expect your T to help you if he doesn't know everything that's going on. And you don't want to suffer this way anymore, right? So it's time to change. You need to make a new choice in your life. It's completely up to you, and yes you have the strength to do it. I hope the best for you.

But they will hurt me i am not allowed to do those things especially when it isnt just my body i think i am just meant to suffer i might be able to tell him but what if i do because what if he is bad too one of the other people in my head says i shouldnt trust him and cause i am sorry i cant explain it my head wont stop i dont i cant ugh please stop i am sorry.

[divine1966]

Please seek professional help, you do need to tell your t. I am concerned that you think trees and buildings don't want you around. Even if trees as you said have feelings still how likely is it they have wants and desires? And now you are saying there are people in your head? They are telling you who to trust?

If you can't tell your t tell Pdoc or regular doctor. Tell someone and soon please

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I will try and tell him but i am worried about what the outcome would be. And they do have wants and desires most things do i just what if he hurts me or what if i cant say that i am sorry.

[TheWell]

Bring your first post here and hand it to him.

You've been seeing him for four years. Has he hurt you in that time?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by eden1515

I will try and tell him but i am worried about what the outcome would be. And they do have wants and desires most things do i just what if he hurts me or what if i cant say that i am sorry.

You think he will hurt you? In what sense? Like make bad comments or mistrust you? He can't do anything really , he can suggest but that's about it
And Eden the fact you think inanimate objects have wants and desires is also something to tell someone

Do you have a doctor? Tell him/her

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[stopdog]

If one of those guys told me they felt connected to me - I would think they were lying or crazy or both.

Originally Posted by TheWell

Bring your first post here and hand it to him.

You've been seeing him for four years. Has he hurt you in that time?

Well not physically and nothing that bad emotionally but I am more thinking of an indirect way as in he tells someone who will hurt me or he makes me go to a place where they will hurt me.

Originally Posted by divine1966

You think he will hurt you? In what sense? Like make bad comments or mistrust you? He can't do anything really , he can suggest but that's about it
And Eden the fact you think inanimate objects have wants and desires is also something to tell someone

Do you have a doctor? Tell him/her

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I have a GP but I don't talk to him much but I don't understand why other thingies having wants and desires is a problem it isn't bad that they heave them it just is.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by eden1515

I have a GP but I don't talk to him much but I don't understand why other thingies having wants and desires is a problem it isn't bad that they heave them it just is.

Simply believing inanimate objects have wants and desire isn't a big deal, but the fact that it upsets you that inanimate objects don't want you around is something to address. as well as you thinking there are people in your head. It might be nothing but it is worse to share with someone

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Originally Posted by divine1966

Simply believing inanimate objects have wants and desire isn't a big deal, but the fact that it upsets you that inanimate objects don't want you around is something to address. as well as you thinking there are people in your head.

It might be nothing but it is worse to share with someone

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There are people in my head and I am sure most people would be upset if they knew everything didn't want them around also you said it is worse to share with someone I don't know if that is a typo or not but if not I always thought it was worse to share which is why I haven't.

[junkDNA]

what you describe sounds like psychosis. i have struggled a lot with that in my life and sometimes still do, and i can say that i have gotten significantly better since i started taking the right meds and talking to a T that i have grown to trust and respect. i hope you find a path towards recovery and healing, each one is individual.

Why does everyone keep using that word it is a bad word and I really don't want it to keep popping up first my psychiatrist and now here although it isn't the first time on here at least it is not happening around my parents I don't like that word because it means you lose your rights and people hurt you. That is why I lied the first and second time in the hospital because they were going to hurt me I can't have tha label that would be bad.