[amuseable]

Hi. I am new to this so please bear with me. I am a 48 yr female and have been with my therapist for almost 3 yrs. He also goes to my church and I have met his wife and so on many times and chatted with them. I became deeply, deeply attached to him and I wanted him to to love me like I love him. This includes sexual feelings. I realize though that he is married and my therapist and so on but I kept feeling this guy genuinely liked me. We have discussed many times how we would be friends the moment I was no longer his patient. One day I got the nerve to ask him if he loved me and he said he did. Eventually I asked him if he did not have his wife and I was not his patient would he date me and he said no. I asked him why and he said it was because of how I looked. I was absolutely devastated because not merely do I have a crush on him but the main goal in my therapy has been for me to feel better about myself. I know it sounds really stupid, all this, but I almost commit suicide over his remark. Seriously. I am not joking or exaggerating about my response. I cannot bear the idea of leaving him but I am miserable everytime I see him now. Even when I feel decently before the session I know feel deeply depressed by the end of it because I feel ugly and unloved. Thanks for reading this.

[RACEKA]

This entire situation sounds unethical to me.

Try not to take him too seriously. He is one person. He might have said that so he wouldn't be interested in you. You are probably a beautiful person. Also, it's what's on the inside that counts.

I know how you feel being attached to your T, but if mine said something like that I would no longer be attached. In order for the therapy to work you should not know much about him. If I saw my T outside of therapy I would turn the other way. I don't want to ruin my therapy experience. I wouldn't be able to open up to him.

You are loved.

[sunrise]

amuseable, that sounds so hard. ((((hugs))))

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amuseable said:
We have discussed many times how we would be friends the moment I was no longer his patient.

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That statement makes me really uncomfortable. I think he is blurring the lines between client and friend and this is bound to be very confusing for you. I don't think it is really very therapeutic.

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I asked him why and he said it was because of how I looked.

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I find this very damaging. He should not have commented on your physical appearance. I find it really inappropriate. The way you are feeling about this is totally understandable. That was a hurtful comment--it seems he must have known it would cause a breach?

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just a little aside:
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RACEKA said:
In order for the therapy to work you should not know much about him.

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This is actually not true in all therapy models. Only some therapeutic approaches favor no self-disclosure. My therapy, which emphasizes the collaborative, mutualistic relationship with the empathetic therapist (think humanistic), is working just fine, and I know quite a bit about my very, very human T. He uses self-disclosure skillfully to further our therapy in a positive direction. I'm not in any way trying to defend amuseable's T, but just wanted to point out that such a blanket statement about therapy is erroneous. Maybe it would be better instead to state something like, "for me, therapy works best if I don't know much about my T."

[OliviaC]

I also find the statement about your appearance totally inappropriate and likely unethical.

If you are looking for psychological help, it doesn't seem like this guy is for you! I would also be looking for a new therapist asap!

Best wishes,
Olivia

Very unethical. I'm sorry he hurt you. If a therapist does want to become friends with a client after the individual is no longer a client, the ethical guidelines state that a minimum of two years after termination date should pass. However, it is never a good idea for a therapist and former-client to become friends, regardless of how long the waiting period is. I hope you get a new therapist soon.

[PetulantWolf]

What an awful thing to say!!! Maybe he just said that so you wouldnt put the moves on him now? If my T ever said that o me I would be devastated.
I would either re-open this questionand give him a chance to clarify....or dump him. Are you sure he meant what you think he meant???
Also, I fiind it impossible to love someone and think they are unattractive at the same time. So something is amiss. Maybe he was just trying to put you off becasue of the sex thing.
Im so sorry youve been having a rough time of it. If you have interpreted this situation right he sounds like a big jerk. The reason I say to clarifiy is im BPD and I overreacted to something my T said the other day..could it be the same type of thing? Evenif your not BPD? Did he really straight out call you unattractive?

[sidony]

Wow. I'd have to agree with everyone else who has responded on here! I've only had one therapist and I have no background in psychology, but it's clear to me (just on my limited experience with therapy) that this would be unethical. Your therapist definitely shouldn't be talking about how you guys would interact if you weren't therapist/client. That seems wholly inappropriate to me.

I remember wondering how I would know if my therapist was any good or not (since I'd never had a therapist before). Well now I know. It's obvious to me when I read therapist interactions that would be hurtful (or at best unhelpful). I have no idea how your therapist could think that saying some of those things wouldn't be hurtful.

I am sorry you've had to experience that. I hope you will find better help if he's not able to give it to you.

Sidony

> I asked him why and he said it was because of how I looked.

I wonder what he meant...

Did he mean you are brunette and he typically goes for blondes?
Did he mean you are tall / short and he typically goes for short / tall?
Did me mean that you look depressed and lacking in self confidence?

Did he say anymore? Did you ask him what he meant?

I'm just trying to think up whether there was some sort of miscommunication thing like that...

Or quite what is going on.

[SecretGarden]

Well...I am amazed that you talk with him and his wife (wow) at church and that he told you that he loves you. All of that seems unusual.... but....

If you think that he loves his wife and is happy with her (which you might be able to tell by how he treats her in church or if/how he talks about her) then compare what she looks like with how you look. Are there similarities?

I think that my pdoc likes me and sometimes enjoys me (actually he said so at the last visit) but I know that I am too large for his liking and I bet he likes a woman that is more feminine and cute (nails, makeup...) than I but I do not KNOW this. I just have to accept what I have there... I know that we have a good working relationship and that we get along...optimally in the work we are doing.

I think that your feelings are hurt and I understand that. I do think that you need to ask him further what he means. I think that it might be more appropriate to ask you about your emotions toward him but ... maybe he is wishing to create change or movement.

Is there anything that you are speaking of in therapy that might be connected?

You just need to ask him and talk it out. It may all be connected to the work you are doing. It does sound rough ... but we do not know all that is going on in your therapeutic relationship.

[Hope4me2]

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OliviaC said:
I also find the statement about your appearance totally inappropriate and likely unethical.

If you are looking for psychological help, it doesn't seem like this guy is for you! I would also be looking for a new therapist asap!

Best wishes,
Olivia

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AMEN!!!!!!!! I have to totally agree....my T has told me he loves our family and that someday he hopes to be friends but that is IT nothing more..........my T would never cross that line..........{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}
take care

[Perna]

amuseable, I've been in a similar position and it might help you to get another therapist, maybe a female. I was in group therapy at the time and that helped me, one of the co-therapist picked up my distress and when I told my tale she was senior to my therapist and able to call him and give him heck and also found me a "better" therapist who wouldn't make mistakes like that, putting you in a corner.