I can't do it (tw)

Thank you! I hope maybe if I use "words" to tell her what's wrong I won't need to hurt myself so severely anymore.

I think the cutting so bad was me screaming that I need help.

When will you be giving her this letter? I want to make sure you get encouragement to actually give it to her.

It's really important that she know this.

On Wednesday. I almost chickened out this week then told her at the very end I wanted tell her something that's really hurting. She got right away it was connected to the self-harm and she wAnted to go over time to talk about it but I didn't want to feel rushed at all. I told her I would write it down for her because I wanted another week to make sure I wrote it okay

I'm still so afraid it makes me look weird and creepy. But I trust her and I know she can help me.

It does not make you look weird or creepy. It shows her to be a narcissistic, toxic person and therapist. I wish you the best with this.

Therapists generally won't visit or call clients in hospital unless they are a part of the treatment team (have privileges).

Note that I am not trying to defend your former therapist at all in the following text.

A former friend that I met in hospital wanted a lot more than I could ever provide. He called me whenever he was in hospital and only when he was there or when he was intoxicated. I tried to develop a friendship outside of the psychiatric world, but I wasn't successful. Eventually, I told him that I needed to part ways, because I couldn't cope with visiting him in hospital. The hospital triggered me, because I had terrible experiences in there. It was all I could think about. I didn't dislike the man at all, I just couldn't cope with his issues and the hospital. - My point is that sometimes people make tough decisions because they are hurting themselves and cannot provide support or their behavior is hurting another person. Is it possible your former therapist was in a similar situation? I sensed this in your letter.

Why do you feel responsible for her decisions? She made those poor decisions, not you. Why do you punish yourself for them?

When I talk about her not answering my text from the hospital, I am not talking about inpatient psych but about when I was in there for surgery. She had ASKED me to text her after the surgery.

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Note that I

I think the difference between your story and mine though is that she was my therapist... I mean, our relationship should have been in control enough that my safety was at least considered a priority. It's different in a friendship. Plus everything was "fine" and then all of a sudden she hurt me when I was physically ill. She could have waited. It hurts that she didn't seem to care about my wellbeing at all after promising if I trusted her she wouldn't hurt me like that. Plus, our whole relationship was initiated by her. The only time I asked her outright for support was at the end in the hospital (not the psych hospital, I had just had my gallbladder out) and I was panicking because I had a complication where I couldn't pee for 2 weeks. With the exception of emails ("you can never send me too many emails, you express yourself so well in writing,") everything was initiated by her, every phone call or appointment.

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Why do you feel responsible for her decisions? She made those poor decisions, not you. Why do you punish yourself for them?

I feel like I was too dependent and that's what caused this. I'm afraid I look borderline.

Yes, but therapists still have to recognize when they are hurting their clients. They are obligated to fix it (ethically), not by mothering, etc... A client's needs come first.


Are you sure about that? A therapist who wouldn't let you discuss your self-harm indicates to me everything wasn't fine. She should have addressed it immediately and referred you to someone who could have helped you.

I think someone with BPD fears abandonment, because they don't know who they are when they are not around others.

I wish she would have ended it ethically and honestly and after I had other help. I don't really think that's what she did.

Oh, therapeutically was not fine. She shouldn't have let this continue for as long as it did. But everything between us was fine until she pulled a complete 180. She didn't go about it in a way to protect me at all. In the end it wasn't even her who referred me up, it was my pdoc. She just withdrew emotionally and said it was for my own good. I also find it odd she chose to do it while I was in the hospital.

I keep feeling guilty that if I tell, she could lose her job. But she left me alone with nobody to help me through this. It's not fair to keep it quiet when I'm in so much pain. It's just so hard.

I've reread this thing I wrote over and over. Maybe I should stop.

Stop what, Pink?

Stop cutting -YES
Stop blaming yourself -YES

Give your therapist the written word of your awful experience -YES

Don't stop coming here for support. We've got your back.

Stop reading and editing this stupid thing and let it be until I give it to her on Wednesday.

Thanks so much!