[rhcpchance]

My T's mom died today. I found this out while I was looking at his Facebook... (don't judge me!) He hasn't said anything to me about it yet, but I wouldn't be surprised if my appointment for next week is moved. What do I say to him? If he never mentions anything to me should I just pretend like I don't know? I know that he is in charge of his own boundaries and can make decisions for himself, but I would feel guilty talking about my problems when his mother just died!

And now the selfish bit... I'm kind of afraid that the next few sessions will be a waste of time and money because he'll be grieving/thrown off. Ugh. I feel bad that I even think this.

[atisketatasket]

I would pretend I didn't know unless he says something. If he says something, express condolences briefly and move along with the session or whatever.

I doubt he'll be thrown off. It's probably not the only major life event he's weathered while a therapist, and he's certainly provided therapy on days he was having terrible days.

If he tries to turn you into his grief counselor, though, I'd run.

[stopdog]

I would do nothing unless the therapist told me about it - and then I would express condolences and go on. If I was worried about the therapist being distracted, I would take a few weeks off.

I know my T is able to carry her pain and still have room for mine.

[Rive.]

I wouldn't say anything to him, unless he brought it up. If you do bring it up, just be prepared for the whole facebook-boundary convo. I don't know your T's stance on that, but if you reveal how you found out then yes, be prepared for a potential unpleasant aspect of the discussion.

As for him being dedicated to your needs. I hope he is aware enough as to practice self-care (e.g. taking time off if need be) so he can be fully present. Also, don't feel guilty or compare who has the bigger problems... That's his job after all. And he knows to take care of himself, so you don't have to (nor shouldn't) take care of him.

Facebook has privacy controls to keep anyone who's not a friend or follower from seeing your timeline. If a therapist doesn't use that, I don't think he/she should be surprised if their clients look at their page.

I wouldn't say anything unless he brings it up. You're also not being selfish hoping your sessions are not disrupted.

[Lauliza]

You shouldn't say anything unless your T mentions it to you. You found out from his Facebook page which he doesn't even know you've seen, so acknowledging his moms death in a weird way might become more about you than him if you do say something. And don't worry about him in your sessions. If he needs to, he will take time off from work. He is a professional and should know how to handle it.

[bounceback]

I had this happen. My T's father died. I read about it in the obituaries. I didn't know how to deal with it. I felt so bad for her especially after losing my own father. I felt really anxious but she assured me she had a lot of support and was okay.

[feralkittymom]

Though inderstandable, you needn't feel guilty about wanting full attention and support for your therapy. That said, I think a lot depends upon the relationship you have, and how you feel about this knowledge. I would engage normally, and then if you feel he's "off" in your session, bring that sense up. No direct reference to FB and what you know. Not because I think you should hide it, or feel badly about it, but because I think it's respectful to allow him the prerogative of whether he shares this news with you or not. I would do that with anyone I knew was grieving. Then take it from there.