Signs of a bad therapist

Very much agree. I became an addict, and then termination triggered a horrible withdrawal. My T was definitely feeding her ego. But she was also craving the connection, as you say. Took me a long time to understand this. Therapists can become intensely attached to clients, via transference or other factors, but nobody talks about that. Seems they are trained to see this in others, but some cannot or will not see it in themselves.

You are right bud fox...t's typically don't talk about their neediness for certain clients. To make matters worse, the t usually winds up "waking up" and then cutting off ties with the client. It's so messed up. I am sorry you experienced this.

I think this is true. I think most therapists have HUGE egos and that is why they go into the profession. They truly believe they can become godlike to vulnerable people. It's disgusting and somewhat evil.

Funny you said that..because that's been my impression throughout all the time I've been in the field..Despite some serious flaws my therapists had that caused me harm, they were actually best of the best. The rest of them..it wouldn't even cross my mind to seek help from them.

Yes I agree, thanks. My T sort of woke up, but I don't think she quite knew what was going on, or would not admit it. I don't fault her so much for her neediness, or even for those needs intruding, it's the inability to own up to it and repair the damage. Seems that's when it becomes traumatic -- when you are left alone with the wounding.

I finally get this. I realized today that my T has a massive ego on her. Always has. I knew she had ego, but it is indeed huge. She also has mental illness (severe depression and effects from trauma). So between the ego and the MI, I actually believe she thinks she's almost godlike. Her saving grace is that she does have a heart of gold, so thankfully she is not an evil-doer.

EXACTLY!! Of all people, a T should know better than to behave as such with those who already have struggles and problems. Ugh!

I love my t, she has been great and has helped me SO much, but y'know sometimes....sometimes.... I do wonder.... there have been several different times when I have tried to quit.... and have felt like she was unwilling to let ME go.... but then something comes up in my life and I'm glad she's there again.... I dunno how I truly feel about this...

My t has his own issues admittedly, but he is humble. Every time I've been angry at him, he's been reflective and receptive to criticism. He's quick to admit when he's made a mistake and open to feedback. I must be one of the lucky ones.

It's good to hear that there are Ts out there who respond like this.

Definitely a lucky one. My ex T can't handle criticism or reflect on her mistakes. She just says it's in the past and we can't change it and moving forward it seems like all the feelings that arose from past things she did are my fault. I'm defective. Never her.

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Agree. That sort of humility and honesty could really go a long way.

I was previously abused by in therapy by a Psychiatrist who was also a bonafide psychopath who would spend upwards of a year or more psychologically manipulating and grooming his patients, alongside a gradually increasing sexualisation of therapy, with an end goal of eventually commencing a full blown sexual relationship (when he wasn't just outright raping those patients he had placed under twilight sedation as part of his drug treatment 'clinic', or deriving obvious pleasure from putting patients in physically painful and oftentimes humiliating situations that he would then gleefully observe).

Needless to say my experience, along with a myriad of other disappointing (albeit not quite as overtly damaging) experiences with both Psychiatrist's and other Therapists, left me with a lot of emotional scarring and damage, and above all a complete and utter mistrust of anyone who fit into the category of 'Male' and 'Psychiatrist'.

It took me 15 years to even agree to see another male Psychiatrist after what I went through previously, but 5 years ago I reached a point where my symptoms had become so intolerable, and were taking so much away from me, and my ability to 'live', that I pretty much hit crisis point and felt as if I had no other choice but to return to a situation that quite frankly terrified me down to my core in the hope that maybe, just maybe, just this one time things would be different.

And it turned out, they were...more than I could have ever thought possible.

I have the most fantastic Pdoc now. He believes in treating the individual person, and their unique presentation of symptoms, as a whole, rather than arbitrarily slapping a label on someone and following some 'paint by numbers' formulaic guide to treatment ~ He doesn't believe in pathologising normal human emotions, or that the only acceptable emotions one should be allowed to show are those deemed to be 'positive' ~ He never just sits there and dictates things to me, like his observations and his opinions are the only correct interpretation of a given situation, he always encourages me to disagree, to question, to argue and debate, and to never be afraid to tell him when he's wrong about something ~ He constantly strives to maintain an appropriately balanced and empathetic response towards any of the work we do together in therapy, as well as towards the therapeutic bond itself, so he doesn't try to foster a sense of over dependency by rushing in to play saviour, but at the same time he doesn't foster a sense of abandonment by suddenly withdrawing empathy either ~ And if he does make a mistake then he admits it, he owns it, and he genuinely apologises for it (on top of everything else he his always humble enough to willingly admit his own faults).

I've made more progress, and felt more empowered, working with him in the last 5 or so years, than I have in the last 20+ years I've spent going in and out of the mental health system and feeling completely let down and failed by the so called 'treatment' I received then. There are good therapists out there, I know I found that hard to believe after what I'd already been through, but then I met one who proved me wrong.

I have been seeing my T for the last 4 years. I've learned some things, but I have to question whether or not I am getting anything accomplished by continuing to see her. Last year I was diagnosed with bipolar and ADD, along with my anxiety. My T seems to steer our conversations back to anxiety, because I guess that is what she feels comfortable with. I am trying to wrap my head around the other stuff as well. There are a couple of things that concern me. When I took a short-term leave from work because of a bad depression, I told her that I had SI, and she told me that her brother had sui'd and seemed to have no empathy toward him. Another is that she would suggest things and get defensive when I explained why they wouldn't work for me. (For example, she suggested I go to the movies when I am not a movie person.) I've decided to start going to a DBSA support group, and so far, that seems to be helping more than my sessions with my T.

willowbrook, that is quite a story. A case of real extremes. Glad you are getting help.

I never doubted there are good Ts out there, just have a growing sense that they are quite rare.

This article kind of makes me laugh.

The 5 types of therapists you should avoid | Individual Therapy and Couples Counseling

Before I started seeing my current T (who I've seen for almost seven years although it's not been weekly for seven years), I saw a counselor that I swear was trying to fix herself by fixing me. I dreaded my sessions with her and I felt sick every time I left. I ended up getting referred to a DBT program where I met my current T.

What has made it a positive relationship is that it's very practical. We worked on skills to reduce distress, improve quality of life, etc. My T validated my efforts and was the one that helped me realize my depression was biological. I appreciated his honesty. We tailored therapy to what I needed which was keeping me safe, and continuing to find treatments. He was an advocate for me with my pdoc who works in the same clinic and he spent extra time looking for treatments to try.

Ultimately he was the one who got me connected with a ketamine pdoc. The ketamine is the only thing that has touched my depression and for the first time in 20 years I don't have depression. Therapy has now switched to helping me learn how to experience "normal" - we both foresee me eventually having a handle on that, but one doesn't unlearn 20 years of survival in a few months.

I'm not sharing this as a means to invalidate poor experiences. I've certainly seen here very detrimental experiences and I think I would have had a very horrible experience if I'd stuck it out with my first counselor (as it was, I only saw her for a few months).

There are good Ts. There are terrible Ts. There are mediocre Ts.

For me, I didn't have a "it gets worse before it gets better" - it was just plain bad all the time and therapy, no type of therapy, was going to fix that. My T was very honest in his limitations and I appreciated that a great deal. I also appreciate that he doesn't take credit for my improvements but acknowledges the work I have done. It's helped me realize that even if he ditched me tomorrow, I would be very wounded, but I know what kind of therapy I need and I know what work needs to be done, and as long as the person sitting in the chair is competent, then I can do it.

I'm of the opinion that Ts should be empowering their clients, not forcing them into dependence. If a T was pushing me to be less empowered, I would run for the hills.

Sometimes I wonder... I feel very dependent on my therapist. I wonder if it's something he did, or if it's because it's my nature based on past hurts to attach like I have. It seems like a fine line sometimes whether therapy is helping or not. My husband says I'm improving, I do seem better in some regards...

Just curious, how did he do that?

That's a good sign. Humility in a T to me is huge.

Does the work require a T to be sitting across from you, or could you do this work on your own or in another context?

I found that the running for the hills part was completely submerged by the addiction-like dependence. Rational mind was not in charge at all.

He's a skills based therapist. He has a great deal of experience and education including having worked on a psych ward. Through him and consults, he told me I was doing everything right but wasn't getting better. For him, therapy was primarily trying to help me not make it worse, but he was certain there was a strong biological component (I don't know how else to explain it). He researched treatments for me, even experimental ones and eventually we found one and it has put my depression in remission. So it proved the hypothesis I guess would be the best way to put it?

For me? Yes. I need someone sitting across from me. I process best through discussion. Furthermore twenty years of suicidally bad depression on top of a nomadic childhood means I have a lot that I need to relearn so to speak. I don't think I'm skilled enough within my own mind to do that. A therapist is, to me, like a physical or occupational therapist - that is, a PT or OT helps someone relearn skills either because they have to live with a disability or after a traumatic event. I suppose I could fumble around and figure it out but my therapist has been quite good at helping me efficiently. I've worked with my T for seven years almost (not all as a weekly client though so perspective). He's done his job well.

And that's where someone has to decide who they are. I'm not an addictive personality by nature. For me, therapy has been a good practice in relying on another individual. In fact, my husband has talked about how much more open I am and my ability to communicate my needs over the years as become much improved.

I think highly of my T. I'm not going to pretend I don't. But he's demonstrated a level of skillfulness that has been beneficial to me. My money has been well spent. My life is better, I'm doing better, and I foresee a time when I no longer require his service as regularly as I do right now.

These are all things that have happened to me, by the way:

1. Tells you who should vote for in a presidential election.
2. Tells you not to come back if you don't vote a certain way.
3. Repeatedly asks you to have dinner with them.
4. Offers for you to live in their house.
5. Tells you personal details of other cases while naming all the names.
6. Offers for you to work in their office.
7. When you meet their spouse.. if looks could kill..
8. You find out that all the things they've prescribed to you are exactly what they take as well.
9. They give you bags full of prescription samples that aren't even remotely applicable to your needs.
10. You start to feel that you are objectively and by far the sanest person in the room.

I realize not all therapists can prescribe, and therefore not all of these signs are universal.. but they are all bad, and all happened to me.

That sounds more like he doesn't know what is going on, so he went with the "it's biological" thing. When Ts and Docs have tried that on me, I questioned the validity of it, and they have no response. It means their training or expertise has reached its limit, and they fall back on drugging, or they don't have the time or inclination to sort it out.

I don't think deciding who you are has anything to do with it. If early childhood involved an emotionally absent mother or there has been lack of intimacy in other areas, and you're seeing a T who is behaving in a distinctly maternal way and seeming to fill some of the void, then you are likely under the influence of deep unconscious needs. If you have been walking thru the desert and are dying of thirst, and someone offers you water, you drink the water.

Anyway glad you are making progress.

I guess I'm confused by your response. I certainly didn't say my experience was indicative of everyone else and it comes across as condescending to go with "he doesn't know what's going on" - I just told you point blank that we've *proven* it's biological.

As for the secondary piece, again, didn't say it was for everyone just speaking for me. I didn't mean you choose who you are, I mean you look at yourself and are honest about what kind of personality you have. You can disagree with me, but then I don't lend a lot of credence to the "distant mother or unconscious childhood intimacy issue" - but plenty of people here do so if it works for them, I'm not going to tell them not to explore it. I personally find little value in it.

I did not mean to be condescending. Am just trying to understand what you are suggesting and why. Apologize if I crossed a line.

But if you say you have proved your depression is biological, then I infer that to mean it applies to everyone. Or are you saying you have a rare biological depression that the rest of us do not have?

I guess you are aware you are being very condescending too. We should probably stop now.

Seriously? You inferred from my statement about *myself* that everyone else's was biological? I don't know about anyone else. Neither do you actually. I know that mine is biological because we found a treatment and my depression went into complete remission.

I mean how much more blatantly do I have to spell it out?

Here's what I said before:

"He researched treatments for me, even experimental ones and eventually we found one and it has put my depression in remission. So it proved the hypothesis I guess would be the best way to put it?"

And then I belabored the point *again*:

"I certainly didn't say my experience was indicative of everyone else and it comes across as condescending to go with "he doesn't know what's going on" - I just told you point blank that we've *proven* it's biological."