[Petra5ed]

My therapist did the impossible really, caring or at least pretending to care about me, when no one else really does. But I think it's dangerous for people like me to have a therapist. How do you reconcile the fact the person who cares the most is just doing their (very difficult) job?

I am so sick of this life and being so alone. It feels like swimming up current just trying to exist when no one wants you. I'm in a Hell on earth and not sure what I'm even being punished for. Even when I reach out for help with my hands full of wadded cash I have no luck. It's only a matter of time until my therapist too burns out on me and I cant even pay someone to be nice to me for an hour once a week. If my therapist fires me I'm not sure I will survive it. I wish I could pay someone to help me die.

[Leah123]

Oh my goodness Petra, I am so sorry you're feeling such loneliness and despair. I wish I lived nearby, I'd be happy to hang out with you!

((((Petra5ed)))

I hope you find some companionship soon. Have you tried volunteering? I've found it a fulfilling way to socialize and ease the depth of such dark feelings.

[Gavinandnikki]

I totally agree with Leah that volunteering is a great way to lift up out despair. Unless, of course, the depression is so profound you can't move.

I am so sorry that it is this bad for you right now.

Does your therapist know that you are in such a bad place?

[Bipolar Warrior]

I'm so sorry you feel this way. I can really empathise, because I have been there so many times, and I also, occasionally, feel like my therapists, especially the one I have been given through university, feel like they are pulling teeth with me. But honestly, they are just doing their job, and it's a job that most of them love doing, otherwise they wouldn't be doing it.

I agree with the others; go out and find something you enjoy doing. Volunteer, take a class, whatever strikes your fancy. Unless, of course, like Gavinandnikki points out, your depression is so bad you don't feel like getting out of bed - if that is the case, get yourself to a doctor instead!

[Petra5ed]

Thanks all. I know you want to help. I have volunteered before. I think the loneliness is a much much deeper problem. I feel alone when I'm around people even.

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

Thanks all. I know you want to help. I have volunteered before. I think the loneliness is a much much deeper problem. I feel alone when I'm around people even.

I know that feeling. I hadn't realised I felt that way until I started therapy and felt that I wasn't alone any more. I'm guessing it stems, for me at least, from being left alone as a baby and toddler. Friendships and my husband have not alleviated it. It's only the closeness of being with a T that has met some need that I didn't even know I had.

I saw on a different thread that you were looking for a new T, did I miss you posting on what is happening with your current T?

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

I know that feeling. I hadn't realised I felt that way until I started therapy and felt that I wasn't alone any more. I'm guessing it stems, for me at least, from being left alone as a baby and toddler. Friendships and my husband have not alleviated it. It's only the closeness of being with a T that has met some need that I didn't even know I had.

I saw on a different thread that you were looking for a new T, did I miss you posting on what is happening with your current T?

Looking 4 couples counselor.

[Leah123]

Oh, alienated. Yes, I HATE that feeling. I'm sorry dear. I hope it gets better soon. I've found telling my T about it helped some, and then emptying out some of the pain I was in left me feeling more open to connecting with other people at times. (((Petra)))

I don't feel that way. I never believed you could pay people to care. That's an emotion. Money cannot create that.
The feeling of no one caring comes from us projected or into the world and comes back at us a thousand fold.
It does get better, IF you have a skilled T.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

I don't feel that way. I never believed you could pay people to care. That's an emotion. Money cannot create that.
The feeling of no one caring comes from us projected or into the world and comes back at us a thousand fold.
It does get better, IF you have a skilled T.

Yes it's a vicious circle. I don't give much of a **** about anyone right now. It's impossible to find compassion when you're in so much pain you want to die.

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

Looking 4 couples counselor.

Ah, I get it now.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I am sorry you are struggling. I don't think you can pay someone to care. You pay your therapist to help you and listen to you but you can't pay for feelings. Feelings come on there own. A therapist doesn't have to care about you, yes they should and its part of being a therapist, but to truly care about someone is something that comes on its own despite that you are paying to see a T.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

I am sorry you are struggling. I don't think you can pay someone to care. You pay your therapist to help you and listen to you but you can't pay for feelings. Feelings come on there own. A therapist doesn't have to care about you, yes they should and its part of being a therapist, but to truly care about someone is something that comes on its own despite that you are paying to see a T.

Ur right. I'm just feeling sorry for myself. If he cares I'm sure it's for free. I care about him! I'm just sure too that I'm a lot to deal with. There's no one clambering to spend time with me. Hopefully his fees are compensation enough.

It seems like everything I do is wrong and every problem I have is my fault, somehow. And I will also say, nothing I try works, not meds not therapy not volunteering, not trying to be social, not working or working harder, not taking time off, vacations, not concerted efforts to think of others, not helping others, not reading self help, not yoga, etc. I just wish sometime I could find a solution. Since I'm so difficult for people.

I wouldn't wish the way I feel on anyone. I'm afraid of my depression now, and afraid to even talk about it because quite frankly no one wants to hear it, and why would they.

[Leah123]

Perhaps acceptance and smaller goals would help? Those things you mentioned sound pretty intensive and like you might be looking for a massive transformation, or... hoping for it maybe. Would it help to start really really small?

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by Leah123

Perhaps acceptance and smaller goals would help? Those things you mentioned sound pretty intensive and like you might be looking for a massive transformation, or... hoping for it maybe. Would it help to start really really small?

Any ideas? I feel like all I do is try things. Big, small... It seems like if just one or two people ever tried for me things would be ok. We are social animals you know, but I have been ostracized by my own kind and family.

There should be a mental hospice for people like me.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

My therapist did the impossible really, caring or at least pretending to care about me, when no one else really does. But I think it's dangerous for people like me to have a therapist. How do you reconcile the fact the person who cares the most is just doing their (very difficult) job?

I am so sick of this life and being so alone. It feels like swimming up current just trying to exist when no one wants you. I'm in a Hell on earth and not sure what I'm even being punished for. Even when I reach out for help with my hands full of wadded cash I have no luck. It's only a matter of time until my therapist too burns out on me and I cant even pay someone to be nice to me for an hour once a week. If my therapist fires me I'm not sure I will survive it. I wish I could pay someone to help me die.

I think a T can start out just doing their job, and sort of caring in a professional way, but it become more authentic over time.

I also feel like i live in a hell on earth, and have reached out at great expense but with little return. Sorry you feel this way. I have no advice but I can say that you are not alone if that is any consolation.

Why do u think ur T will fire you?

[Leah123]

Well, let me ask... when you volunteered, for how long was that? (Just wondering if you gave it time, or the other efforts, I've heard creating those habits and reaping the benefits can take a good while.)

As for small goals... well, an example would be complimenting someone randomly during the day, reaching out to one person for help in a small way, telling a coworker you're feeling low and asking if they could share one thing they like about you because you're just having one of those mornings where you can't see it, paying for the coffee of the person behind you in line...

just a tiny little pebble thrown into the river. (And without expectations.)

And I would also take some time and meditate or write on the topic of moments of kindness you've experienced from others- each of us reaching out to help you at PC, try to list all the names in a given week or month by reviewing your post history, past teachers, coworkers, aquaintances, whomever, whatever... a... deliberate weaving together of a metaphorical shawl of kindness to wrap yourself in.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by BudFox

Why do u think ur T will fire you?

Sorry you know the feeling.

I'll say it's just my normal pessimism I use for self preservation. I do think that he'll do what's best for him and that means if I become too much cutting me off. That's what healthy people do right?

[Leah123]

'Well, darkness has a hunger that's insatiable, and lightness has a call that's hard to hear.' -Indigo Girls

I think we just have to focus on heeding that call sometimes. Not to oversimplify, just to offer a little bit of relief.
Speaking of which, do you use music to help with your moods? It's been a lifesaver for me.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by Leah123

Well, let me ask... when you volunteered, for how long was that? (Just wondering if you gave it time, or the other efforts, I've heard creating those habits and reaping the benefits can take a good while.)

As for small goals... well, an example would be complimenting someone randomly during the day, reaching out to one person for help in a small way, telling a coworker you're feeling low and asking if they could share one thing they like about you because you're just having one of those mornings where you can't see it, paying for the coffee of the person behind you in line...

just a tiny little pebble thrown into the river. (And without expectations.)

And I would also take some time and meditate or write on the topic of moments of kindness you've experienced from others- each of us reaching out to help you at PC, try to list all the names in a given week or month by reviewing your post history, past teachers, coworkers, aquaintances, whomever, whatever... a... deliberate weaving together of a metaphorical shawl of kindness to wrap yourself in.

Thanks. Maybe volunteering did help. I've done various forms of volunteering and being on charity boards. I suppose I have made some shallow "friendships" acquaintances doing that. More recently I worked with kids and I did feel like that did something for me. It was hard on one hand, I'm very sensitive so I would feel really bad for these kids, but I think it was good for me too.

I should do a major gratitude list, yes. I know I'm just in a seriously toxic thought pattern. Got in a big fight this weekend trying to reach out for more intimacy with my spouse and instead he threw something at me, I'm not hurt, I'm just in that sick shock feeling as if someone died almost. I'm just in a tailspin and too tired to pull out. Thanks though Leah

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by Leah123

'Well, darkness has a hunger that's insatiable, and lightness has a call that's hard to hear.' -Indigo Girls

I think we just have to focus on heeding that call sometimes. Not to oversimplify, just to offer a little bit of relief.
Speaking of which, do you use music to help with your moods? It's been a lifesaver for me.

I'll try rocking out when I get off work .

[Leah123]

Oh goodness, I just read your prior post replying to mine, didn't see it til now. Well of course you're feeling even worse than usual, sorry he acted like a JERK. Throwing things is not cool.

Anyway, am rooting for you and sorry you're struggling, hope you get a little relief soon.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

Sorry you know the feeling.

I'll say it's just my normal pessimism I use for self preservation. I do think that he'll do what's best for him and that means if I become too much cutting me off. That's what healthy people do right?

Yes I know the feeling, and I do the same. But your T is paid to NOT do what's best for him, but rather whats best for you. Doesn't mean he will though.

I do not pay my t to care. She says her love cannot be bought, it is given freely. I do, however, pay her for her mind- her knowledge and experience. But she says her heart is not for sale.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

Thanks all. I know you want to help. I have volunteered before. I think the loneliness is a much much deeper problem. I feel alone when I'm around people even.

I know exactly what you mean. Like you can have people around you but just don't feel anyone understands? Like, truly understands what you're feeling. It's what led me to text my marriage counselor at 3 a.m. Saturday night while sitting by myself on the beach on a family vacation. I was down there with my husband, daughter, and parents but felt horribly lonely in that moment (was crying) and told MC that in the message. (Thankfully, MC responded very kindly the next day to my text).

We talked today in our joint session with my H about it. MC was trying to describe to my H the difference between literally being alone (me on the beach) and feeling lonely (how I felt on the beach). MC then asked if I ever just felt like there was a void inside of me that no one could truly fill, like stuff from the past. And I said that yes, I did. He said it's something that, with the help of my T, him, and my H, that only I can figure out how to fill, that no one else would be able to fill it. That they could help, but it's really up to me.