T's Inconsistency

My only problems with her are the ultimatum, the scheduling inconsistencies, and being inconsistent with how she supports me.

My fiance just found out that he's more than likely getting a new job (he supposed to sign papers next Thursday). If that happens, we will be moving in about 6 months to a year at least 5 cities away because he'll be working in a different county. I don’t want to drive that far every week to see a T. On top of that, if he gets this job, we're getting married next year. So I will get insurance from his new job and it might cover therapy. So many ifs and maybes right now.

I don't know if I should just stick it out with this T until I move? Or find a new T even though it will be short-term? My fiance thinks I should try looking for a new T somewhere btwn here and where we might move. But what if we don't move?

And I just hate that I will have to go T shopping. It's draining on me. I wish someone else would do it for me

I just don't know what to do. I wish you could take the decision out of my hands SkyscraperMeow. I hate change and I hate making big decisions. I'm kind of hoping my T would choose to terminate me, then I don't have to worry about making the wrong decision.

Hugs to you. It sounds so so frustrating.

She actually said that she wanted to help as many people as she can? Ouch. That would make me feel like she's prioritizing other people over me.

I work part-time from home, so my schedule is very flexible. My T has to give me a different time every week because she only works 3 days a week and has some biweekly clients, so she said it wouldn't be fair to give a weekly person a set spot. It's frustrating though, because I often see on her on the last day of the week she works, and by then she only has one or two slots open the next week, so I have to work with those. If I have something scheduled on a day in the upcoming weeks, I'll often e-mail her and ask her to save me a slot, say, on Tuesday afternoon, and she'll usually do that. But the more I'm thinking about it, the more I dislike the inconsistency.

H and I used to schedule week to week with our marriage counselor, but about 6 months ago, he just asked if we wanted a regular slot. It's nice having that to be able to plan around, and also because if the appointment has to be canceled for some reason, we have another one already set up (he was not the best in getting back to us to reschedule in the past). We've had to move it a couple times due to one of us being out of town, but mostly it's a set time/day.

If your T is worried about finding slots for people who work, could you make a set time that's not, like, at lunchtime or when people would be leaving work? So maybe 10 or 2? Definitely talk to her more about how the time changes are affecting you. It's also sort of ironic that she's telling you to get structure in your life, yet can't give you a set therapy schedule! Maybe if you tell her that you want that as part of your structure?

And as for possibly moving, if your F is supposed to sign papers Thursday, I'd at least wait till then to see what happens. And then there might be a better timetable as to when you'd move, etc. It does make sense, if you know you'll be moving, to look for a T located closer to where you'd move to. That way, you'd have someone supporting you throughout the move, which will be stressful because that's how moves are!

Ugh, this thing keeps killing my replies. How I read your problems with her is as follows: She 'only' triggers your fear of abandonment by holding the therapeutic relationship to ransom, she 'only' makes other people a priority over you, thus reinforcing feelings of low self worth, and she does not provide the support you need.

Here's the thing, it's amazing how much less 'support' one finds oneself needing when one is being treated well. I understand that a therapist is really important to you, but it sounds like you are going to have to T shop anyway at some point in the future, so change is inevitable here.

I think it would be better for you if you were to find someone you like on your own so you don't go through another termination which reinforces the idea that people abandon you. Because that seems to be how you frame things whenever jerks behave like jerks. You blame yourself for it, even if it has nothing to do with you.

You'll find out on Thursday if you're going to be moving or not, so that's a good start.

Also, I don't think it's a good idea to be afraid of 'wrong' decisions. The thing with decisions is that you can always make another one. If you change therapists and you don't find the next one better, you can always see another, until you find one you actually like and click with - and when you do find a T that works for you, you will be glad you did. And, as a side-effect, you'll end up feeling empowered that you made the right choice for you instead of letting someone else decide the terms of your relationship.

If you think about it, there's really a lot more tied into this than just getting a decent therapist who can help you through things. There's a real sense of achievement and empowerment in selecting the people you want in your life because they're good for you, rather than just hoping someone isn't too awful.

This is a big deal! When you can't depend on your T, who can you depend on (at least that is how I feel). Consistency with my T is critical considering my background. Sometimes we expect more of a person than they are capable of giving, including a T. It is difficult, but sometimes you have to ask if there is another T that would be a better fit. It is unlikely that their behavior will change if they have done this multiple times.

The problem is my schedule. My fiance works late at night. He doesn't come home till 10:30pm. So I stay up late to spend time with him. I don't go to bed till 1-2am. I wake up around 11am. He leaves for work at 4pm. So if I can't take an early morning appt becauseI sleep later. I can't do a 2:30pm appt because that means I won't see my fiance from 2-10pm. I need as much time with my fiance as I can get since 75% of my support comes from him.

My new appt time is 1:30pm. It's my set time until she decides she needs to change it again or something unexpected happens. But she will not make any guarantees. She always says "it's my intention".

I will wait till Thursday to see if my fiance gets the job. But I still won't know about moving for several months. It's a huge pay increase, so we will pay off loans, credit cards, etc first. Then we will pay to have our teeth fixed. Then we'll move. But there are 4 cities we might move to and we might even build our own house. So everything is up in the air.

But I do have to say, it will be nice if my fiance gets this job. Not only for the pay increase and insurance, but also he will finally work a 9-5 job. And after a 10yr engagement, we can finally get married and I can get off of SSI. My life will completely change.

If you believe that things happen for a reason, then maybe that's why things aren't working out with my T. Maybe she's only meant to be a transitional T. Maybe my long-term T is out there where my new life will start.

Beware of being passive. Passive people can only have things happen to them. And a lot of the time, those things are bad. You can't wait for your new life to start upon meeting a therapist. You have to make your new life start now.

If you take an active role in your life, then you can make things happen, and because you have more control over them, there's a much better chance of a positive outcome

I'm not being passive. It radical acceptance. Kind of like the serenity prayer. You accept what has happened even if you don’t like it or agree with it. It's meant to help you stay focused in the present and not the past. The present is perfect. So everything happens for a reason. I.e. I am not with ex-T because I wasn't meant to be with her.

Btw, I still have choices. I still have power over me.

If you disagree with this concept...well it's your view not mine. This is DBT. This is what I'm learning. But I'm not being passive.

Plus she doesn't just do this out of the goodness of her heart. She gets paid.

People who work should have priority over people who don't work when it comes to scheduling.
It seems pretty logical to me. You don't work so you're more flexible.
Is 1.30 pm instead of 4.30 pm such a huge difference to you? I understand you'd want her to be more consistent but your therapist has to make a living and that means accomodating people with less flexible schedules.
Sorry for the dissenting opinion but I think it's pretty unfair to resent her for changing your time slot.

Says who? You think just because someone isn't employed their time is less valuable, or their therapeutic needs less important?

Let's take your argument one step further. Let's say that people with more important jobs should have precedence over other people. Let's say your if your job isn't considered as meaningful or important, you get your slot moved to a time you don't want. Sorry, you only work at a gas station, and this doctor needs an appointment, so you get moved.

Does that still sound fair to you? Just because you're not employed doesn't mean your time is automatically worth less, or that you don't have prior commitments on it. Some unemployed people have other things going on in their lives, maybe they have family members to look after, maybe they have prior commitments to volunteering. Or maybe, just maybe, it's not up to a therapist, or an online commenter, to tell other people how much their time is worth and that they 'should' accept lesser treatment than they'd otherwise get.

A therapist can ask you to change your time slot. They can't demand it because they have decided to schedule your life for you.

This inconsistency would definitely bother me. It would trigger me because I already feel like a bother to people in my mind. That my needs are not important has been an issue for me. Have you tried speaking to her about it? Is she at least apologetic when she does see you?
I understand they are human but if you are suffering because of her inconsistency maybe a different T might be better. I know its not easy to change so I wish you luck and that things get better.

I understand your need for consistency, but I also undetstand your Ts dilemma. Many therapists can't guarentee the same appointment time each week, so I think the time frame she's giving you is reasonable.

This isn't meant to be critical so I'm sorry if it sounds that way, but her other clients may not have flexibility in their schedules either. As a service provider she is obligated to try to accommodate all of her clients as best she can. Her other clients are not your concern however, so her telling you she wants to "help as many people as possible" was a poor choice of words and I'm sorry that she was insensitive. It is the reality, however, and most people have to sacrifice something in their day (such as their lunch break) for appointments. For what it's worth, I don't think you're being passive at all. It sounds like despite how much this bothers you, you are coping really well.

I would wonder why one couldn't schedule out multiple appointments. My clinic lets me schedule three appointments in advance and my T has an exception for me so I can schedule as many as I want (I have a long drive and we've worked together for many years).

I think also the issue was being late? Am I remembering correctly?

No. Both my T and I have never been late for our session. Actually, I'm always early and she's always right on time.

Every single T I've ever had has scheduled me in the same time slot every week for the duration that I was with them including the T I saw for 4 years and another for 2 years. Same with ex-T.

Right now, one of my goals is to make sure I have support in my life. Because of her switching my schedule, I will now spend less time with my fiance which means less support.

Look, I'm not fighting her to change back my time. I'm upset because I want consistency. She says that's her intention, but clearly she's not living up to that. I get she's sick, so she needed to take off. I get she has a conference to go to on Wednesday to learn something. I'm glad she continues learning. But she is affecting my life in a negative way. I have to go 16 days w/o her. When it was memorial day? she fit her clients in on other days that week. Why would she not offer up at least a supportive email this week? Or a phone call? She has done those before for me.

It doesn't matter anyways. She won't do it. And even if she did, I don't really want anything from her atm. I don't really even want to see her anymore. The only reason why I'll see her Friday is because my Pdoc doesn't want me w/o a T.

It sounds like you want consistency more than you need HER. Like youre angry at her for messing up your plan. The plan is more important than the people in it. Because if the people stick to the plan, then it means, it proves, they respect Scarlet?

Structure in your life should come from you having commitments to others, not so much from others having commitments to you, when she said you needed structure in your life. My only commitment right now is going to t, and coming on pc - i HATE commitments, either way.

Deleted.

When I read this thread I don;t know if I am readin g it a certain way because of who I am. Forgive me if I am. I know that because I've been traumatised a lot that I like people to follow a specific pattern. I have rules that I think if I stick to then they cannot change. I like people to respond the way I like. What I realise over time is that you cannot control how people act. They may be inconsistant or offer support in a way I don't care for or cannot see. It's like if they do not support me in X manner I get upset and cannot see that actually they are supporting me in Y manner.

I would get quite angry that people were being so damaging until I realised that no one owed me perfection.

I have learned, through therapy, to let go a little bit and accept who people are. I accept the love, care and support that I am offered rather than get hung up on what someone "should" do.(Although not accepting crappy treatment just because it;s something, just that love doesn't arrive only in the form I decide) All of that said if she is not a person you can accept then my advice is: Don't. If her care is subpar or her appointment changing is too annoying then move on. (BTW I think it's common for therapists to move things around a bit. The 3 or 4 I've seen now all seem to have moveable times as their practice gets full)

Is the pain from this therapy better or worse than the pain of interviewing?

One that I used to work for had to play a pretty active game of musical chairs with appointments, to try to make sure every regular client could be seen who needed to be, which was always a lot of people. "Okay, see if we can move (person) to 2 o'clock, and if the (couple that comes in together) can come in at 1:30 this time or maybe later in the week, then we can make enough time for (dude) before he goes into hospital." Constantly with this, juggle juggle juggle.

But we never pressured anyone to change their appointment, and as a result people were pretty accommodating. Mutual respect goes a long way. (Plus, the pharmaceutical reps were *so* accommodating that we could change those appointments three times over and they would still show up cheering and smiling with free lunch and buckets of samples in tow, so that really helped the scheduling along.)

It's certainly true that some people have jobs that really don't allow for midday appointments (even if their job descriptions or human resource policies suggest otherwise), and depending how many of those folks a psych practitioner has in their client base it can make it quite difficult to provide care to everyone. However, if your time with your fiance is limited then I don't see your need to have time with him as being any less important. I can imagine how getting that kind of pressure about giving up your time slot to someone else could feel like somewhat of a value judgment though.

When parents and teachers say they love/like their flock equally, we generally roll our eyes, because it's usually patently obvious who their favorites are, but since a relationship with a therapist happens in such a vacuum from the rest of the world, I think it can add a lot of sting to these types of interactions: because without anything for our brains to compare to, it's easy to zero in on the possibility that it's personal. (Which doesn't negate the possibility that it is, but it can muddy it.)

I did have one that kept trying to get me to come in earlier, but I struggled just to make the times we'd set up, working in a super-competitive and overworked culture in which I could barely count on getting out by 6, with international conference calls and planning meetings that were always going long. In my case, he took offense to what he seemed to perceive as *my* inflexibility. Perhaps he wondered if my job was really as tough as I described, and if *I* was being preferential about not prioritizing our meetings. Even though I was working well over 70 hours a week, and still driving an additional hour out of my way to see him twice a week for hour long sessions. Point being, the vacuum works both ways: I couldn't prove it to him one way or another either, whether it was a value judgment personal to him somehow.

In the end, I guess it's just a question of whether you think that your investment with a particular therapist is worth working it out. That's one value judgment that at times I've wished I'd considered sooner.

Therapy is a two-way commitment. I agree to be there and pay her, she agrees to be there and support me. My session with her is part of my structure.

And yes I need her. That's why I'm also upset about the inconsistencyof her support.

Btw, I even keep the same appt times with my primary and Pdoc, just I see them every 4-6 weeks. But it's the same day of the week and same time.

I don't think the OP is so much upset by the exact time as by the overall inconsistency, of which this is but one example. Also what sounds like the dictatorial nature of the change.

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