[Walking Man]

My T isn't helping, and I'm starting to feel like I can't be candid with her. It's a long story, but there is a reason I'm seeing her, and she has been seeing me without charge for two months. She will be getting paid starting this month. On the one hand I am very appreciative of what she has done. She hasn't really done anything "wrong". On the other, I really need someone I can feel a connection with and who will be warm, sympathetic, and understanding. More than anything right now I need support. Unfortunately, she is a little too much like my mother. I need someone to hold my hand, not correct my thinking. She does try to say the right thing, but it seems rehearsed, rather than genuine.

I feel so bad about the situation because she hasn't even been paid yet. If I could reimburse her, I'd look for someone else right away. (Initially she thought she would see me free for a few sessions, which turned into a month, and then two - because of insurance.). I honestly think there is something about me that bothers her, something specific, which makes me think she wouldn't mind if I stopped going. However, I still feel like it would be cold to leave her right when she is actually getting paid.

The thing is, how am I supposed to tell her, "I need sympathy not solutions, and you don't seem genuine.", especially when she has been so generous with her time. She means well, but we're not connecting. I'm very lonely and alone right now, pretty depressed, and feeling rejected. The last thing I want is have a conflict or personal discomfort with my T!

Beyond needing sympathy, the other big problem is that it's really difficult for me to talk about myself. I need someone to draw me out, ask questions, etc., but she seems to put too much burden on me to explain things, rather than helping me to do so.

[ejayy78]

Regarding your last paragraph, I'm exactly the same way. And my T didn't get it for a long time which led to a lot of sessions that were mostly me being quiet and her getting frustrated. I finally had to tell her that I can't talk about myself and I need her to draw it out of me and to ask me the hard questions. T finally understood and things have gotten a much better. I'm glad I told my T about needing her to get me to talk instead of just giving up. My relationship with her has been rewarding because of this change in my time with T. Thought I would share my experiences. Good luck with your T!

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by Walking Man

The thing is, how am I supposed to tell her, "I need sympathy not solutions, and you don't seem genuine.", especially when she has been so generous with her time. She means well, but we're not connecting. I'm very lonely and alone right now, pretty depressed, and feeling rejected. The last thing I want is have a conflict or personal discomfort with my T!

Could you tell her this in an email? Less threatening, and gives T time to mull it over and maybe not be too reactive.

I guess you risk permanently altering the relationship in a bad way, or killing it off, but seems the true test of any relationship is whether it can withstand conflict. Anyway, I hate giving or receiving advice, so just some thoughts...

[divine1966]

She was probably getting paid by the insurance or government etc who can work two months for free?

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[Walking Man]

She's been seeing me without any compensation.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by divine1966

She was probably getting paid by the insurance or government etc who can work two months for free?

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Mine did. But we won't go there.

[PinkFlamingo99]

You would think if she thought you didn't "click" she would just refer you on though?

[Walking Man]

This is the thing. I have good reasons for seeing her and she is very generous. The problem is that she is trained in CBT and Acceptance Therapy. It reminds me of my mom, the bad part. A lot of it comes down to, "Just do it." or "Just accept it." (I'm oversimplifying of course.) I'm hurting pretty bad, and I'm also stubborn. Even if she's right, I'm not ready to hear it.

I think she likes me ok. She doesn't like me complaining or being frustrated. She thinks I'm angry (maybe I am, but it's not that simple). She seems to be good with understanding and responding to sadness and hurt, especially when I write it down. It's very hard for me to express (or feel) like that without it turning to frustration. I have a hard time engaging her when she responds positively. She begins to express sympathy, but I look away.

I think she's beginning to understand how depressed I am, and how distressed. Our session yesterday went well.

In some ways I think she tends to see things as straightforward and simple, whereas I see them as obscure and complicated. That's not a value judgement, just a generalization. I want someone to take care of me and draw me out, make me feel safe, and validated. (And loved, frankly - although that's not her job.) Maybe she can help me better by getting me to do the work of learning to express myself. I just wish we could do that without me feeling like I'm resisting so much. Maybe I come across too strong.

The other thing is that her treatment is based on the idea that thoughts cause emotions. To some extent that may be true, but I often feel like it's the emotions that direct the thoughts.

[BudFox]

I'd be concerned if a T didnt like me complaining or being frustrated or angry. I see things more like you do, not so straightforward, not linear. I have issues with CBT and fixed ideas like thoughts lead to emotions. I think it goes in every direction, and you have to put physical sensations in there too. The body is having a big say in emotions and thoughts and vice versa.

[Walking Man]

Things are going much better now. We have a better understanding. She is actually working with me on the body aspect. We did some meditation, but the best part was she gave me some Play-Doh to help me calm down physically. I am in an immensely stressful situation, and it helps.

[mcl6136]

I think the fact that you don't feel safe and validated is....worth examining. From my perspective, basic safety in a therapeutic relationship is absolutely essential...the ground from which the two of you operate. Unless this is a feature of *most* of your relationships, and you have been seeing this T for a while, I say you may want to consider other Ts and other approaches.
Safety first!