[Soccer mom]

What a strange situation. I had maternal transference with my ex-T due to similarities to my mother and the therapeutic relationship of feeling cared for and seen. Most of the intense year was feeling like she didn't care, feeling like I didn't have support and wanting more and more from her. I wanted her to check on me, I wanted her to acknowledge how hard things were for me, I wanted her to not space sessions, etc. I guess my mind/body was trying to get what I never had from my mom.

Now, I have the opposite. New T. is very attentive, emails me, I've already cried in both sessions with her (about ex-T. of course) and definitely shows she cares. I wanted to show her picture of my daughter's wreck that happened a week ago and she sat by me which felt odd. All things ex-T. didn't do. Now that I have what I wanted from ex-T, it feels strange and it's the care/attention from older women that I have a hard time accepting. I want to put my wall up.

How bizarre that I'm finally receiving what I wanted and have a hard time accepting it. Have any of you had this experience switching T's?

[JaneTennison1]

I have in the past. I had such a horrendous time accepting care from my T. I used to say that if she were the light then it was too bright and I couldn't handle it. Love and acceptance was almost worse.

[unaluna]

I dont know how many times i asked, "is this alright?" during my first years with current t. Like even to borrow a magazine from his waiting room.

[TangerineBeam]

Yep, same for me. I have a hard time accepting care from anyone, not just from my T, though I constantly crave for acceptance and attention. Sometimes it's very strange, finally getting what I want and feeling that it's too much for me to handle. I try to put up a wall, to distance myself, to run away. It's that fear of rejection, and some kind of belief that no one in the whole world would care for me. And even if they do, they are probably just pretending.

[AllHeart]

I had a horrible time learning to accept my T's compassionate care, even though it's what I had always wanted. For me, the trouble to accept was fear of eventual rejection or abandonment, as well as feeling like I did not deserve this good treatment. It took a long while before I was finally able to accept T's care and it was overwhelming to deal with it many times. Now that I do accept it, I can see it was so worth the battle!

[atisketatasket]

Not quite the same, but I never wanted my therapist(s) to express any caring, or check in, or comfort me. Still don't. But now they are both doing the first two, of their own volition, and it makes me uncomfortable and certainly I am not accepting of it. It is like they are not the therapists I started seeing months ago, so I can only assume this is some sort of concerted effort on their part.

But your new therapist sounds like she might be very helpful.

[Soccer mom]

One of my biggest challenges is accepting care/love/attention from older women. I have no problem with friends but I do with maternal figures. I want to overcome this so maybe this is the best way to do it - through my T. It just feels wrong since ex-T. reminded me she can't be there for me in this way. Maybe that's the biggest obstacle.

Yes. I will NEVER accept any kind of care from a therapist again. I will never put myself in a position to be so hurt.

[AnaWhitney]

I can't say I have experienced this in therapy but I've experienced it again and again in my actual life. I crave strong friendships with people that I barely know but have picked out as 'perfect' and I want them to really care for me but once they begin to, everything changes and it feels so wrong so I reject them to put them back where I'm more comfortable with them being.

I wonder if you were so desperate for care from T1 precisely because you didn't receive it? I wonder if her distance simply brought up a lot of childhood abandonment issues and fueled the problems rather than healing them?
I have a feeling that in time you will be able to accept T2's care and in turn show more compassion for yourself. It may be a very healing experience for you.

[Crescent Moon]

I'm wondering if you're just finding it hard to believe that you have what you want, and are sort of insulating yourself against it disappearing? Or, you know how we can build up a lot of expectations about something we have never had but badly want? Then if we get it, we have to figure out how to resolve whatever doesn't match the expectations we had about it. Just my ideas.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

I wonder if you were so desperate for care from T1 precisely because you didn't receive it? I wonder if her distance simply brought up a lot of childhood abandonment issues and fueled the problems rather than healing them?
I have a feeling that in time you will be able to accept T2's care and in turn show more compassion for yourself. It may be a very healing experience for you.

Agree. T1 only told me once that she cared and then would just ask why I don't feel she does. When I asked her to reassure me she said "don't make me regret saying it the first time". I said "if you really feel something, why would you ever regret saying it". I will never forget that moment. I guess she doesn't tell people that much so maybe she regretted it? So, yes, the distance didn't help.
I've also told myself maybe this is exactly what I need but I hate that it's hard for me to accept.

[unaluna]

"Dont make me regret saying it the first time"? Lets be real - imo! She meant, she SAW herself using those words as a tactic that even she didnt buy into, so how could you?

When you go to the movies or live theatre or even just watch tv or read a book, do you give yourself up to the experience, or do you constantly remind yourself "this isnt real"? It sounds like she hadnt figured that out for herself.

When i was in college, the math people and the engineers took a lot of classes together, and the engineers liked to tell this joke: theres a beautiful person (used to be woman!) at the end of the hallway. You can only get to her by traveling half the distance each time. Will you ever reach her? The mathematicians say no, you will ALWAYS be half the last distance away. The engineers say, you can get close enough for all practical purposes. T is like engineering!

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I agree with another poster that once you accept your new T's caring for you, you might develop more caring for yourself and it could be very healing. I wish the best of luck to you.