[AnaWhitney]

I didn't want to hijack the original post by SeekerOfLife, so I hope nobody minds me posting this. I read the whole thread and I'm going to admit I'm sort of in awe of everyone's stories about disclosing.
I haven't been able to disclose, I've just acknowledged that it may have happened when I led my T to ask me. After reading everyone's experiences I feel so different from all of you and a million miles away from being able to talk about it. Everyone found words to use and I just don't feel like words will ever match my experience. It's too confusing, it just doesn't seem like it can be labelled. Not that it's too big to be labelled, but more like no label will fit if that makes sense?
I hope it doesn't sound like I'm assuming that disclosing was easy for anyone that posted, as I am sure it was not. But it seems to have gone well for most and I just don't see this as a possibility for me.
Did anyone actually feel this way before disclosing? Please be honest so I'll know if I should just accept that I am always going to be some sort of oddball or not.
I hope I haven't offended anyone in posting this

I don't think you're an oddball at all - I can relate quite a lot. I certainly didn't have any words planned out, and every session we'll hit a wall where I go non verbal and if Im lucky I can just about nod or shake my head.

I did not in any way 'plan' to disclose. It just happened quite naturally. Obviously I had been very consciously holding back and not saying anything (also because its too confusing and I can't describe it right), and I think one day my T just asked a question where I could be honest, or I could not respond, and i just decided in the instant to go for it. I didn't say much - just gave one word answers (where I had words), and gave facial expressions to express what i didn't have words for.

If you have a good connection with your T, then you will disclose when you want to, and when it is the right time for you. You don't need to rely on finding the words - I would expect your T will help you with that

[Argonautomobile]

Originally Posted by AnaWhitney

I didn't want to hijack the original post by SeekerOfLife, so I hope nobody minds me posting this. I read the whole thread and I'm going to admit I'm sort of in awe of everyone's stories about disclosing.
I haven't been able to disclose, I've just acknowledged that it may have happened when I led my T to ask me. After reading everyone's experiences I feel so different from all of you and a million miles away from being able to talk about it. Everyone found words to use and I just don't feel like words will ever match my experience. It's too confusing, it just doesn't seem like it can be labelled. Not that it's too big to be labelled, but more like no label will fit if that makes sense?
I hope it doesn't sound like I'm assuming that disclosing was easy for anyone that posted, as I am sure it was not. But it seems to have gone well for most and I just don't see this as a possibility for me.
Did anyone actually feel this way before disclosing? Please be honest so I'll know if I should just accept that I am always going to be some sort of oddball or not.
I hope I haven't offended anyone in posting this

I ABSOLUTELY felt that way. Still do, to a certain extent. I don't think you're an oddball at all.

It's funny, I think we all feel this pressure to find the 'right' words; have the
'right' feelings and the 'right' reaction. I don't think I ever did find the appropriate words. Maybe I will, someday, but I've found that, far from finding words that match my experience perfectly, it's become less important to find those words.

I guess I just think about it less. It seems less important. Maybe that makes sense.

Anyway, don't feel weird. Your T. can help when you feel ready.

Take care.

Originally Posted by AnaWhitney

I didn't want to hijack the original post by SeekerOfLife, so I hope nobody minds me posting this. I read the whole thread and I'm going to admit I'm sort of in awe of everyone's stories about disclosing.
I haven't been able to disclose, I've just acknowledged that it may have happened when I led my T to ask me. After reading everyone's experiences I feel so different from all of you and a million miles away from being able to talk about it. Everyone found words to use and I just don't feel like words will ever match my experience. It's too confusing, it just doesn't seem like it can be labelled. Not that it's too big to be labelled, but more like no label will fit if that makes sense?
I hope it doesn't sound like I'm assuming that disclosing was easy for anyone that posted, as I am sure it was not. But it seems to have gone well for most and I just don't see this as a possibility for me.
Did anyone actually feel this way before disclosing? Please be honest so I'll know if I should just accept that I am always going to be some sort of oddball or not.
I hope I haven't offended anyone in posting this

I'm with you on this one. When I read stuff like 'I wrote it all down and handed it to my T' I'm like, what?!?!?
It all feels to contrived when I read some posts.
I struggled for years, a bit here, a bit there. Gaps of years worth no words, memories.

[stopdog]

I think csa is way too broad of a subject to be able to judge anyone elses response to talking about or compare to ones own ability or approach to talking or not talking about it. There is a broad range of response to having it in one's background also. In my case, for example, the therapists completely over reacted to what I relayed.

I told my therapists from the very first session, in very very general terms, that I had been abused. That was my primary reason for needing therapy, so they needed to know that. However, getting to the details, fleshing it out, really talking about it in depth was a long, slow, piece-by-piece, little bit at a time, very careful process.

My therapists were very objective about it most of the time, particularly in those moments when I was discussing details. I needed that. My own emotions were enough to deal with; I didn't need theirs mixed in at that moment. Their own feelings about what I went through came out at other times that were more appropriate for me than right in the midst of the details.

[Knittingismytherapy]

I replied in the first thread about my experience, so I won't repeat it here, but I can definitely relate to what you are saying about not having the words for it. I went in with the intent to discuss that I felt like I needed to talk about it, but didn't know how, and didn't have the words for it, and that was all I was going to talk about; just HOW to learn how to talk about it. But my unconscious had a different view, and took over. I still don't know exactly what I told my T that day, beyond a few things like who and when.

My recommendation is tell your T exactly what you said below, and that you want to talk about not knowing how to talk about it and feeling like you'll never be able to do so, and see what happens from there. Nothing says you have to talk about specifics just because you are talking about not being able to talk about it.

Good luck - it's not easy but talking around the subject might take you closer to talking about the abuse.

Originally Posted by AnaWhitney

I didn't want to hijack the original post by SeekerOfLife, so I hope nobody minds me posting this. I read the whole thread and I'm going to admit I'm sort of in awe of everyone's stories about disclosing.
I haven't been able to disclose, I've just acknowledged that it may have happened when I led my T to ask me. After reading everyone's experiences I feel so different from all of you and a million miles away from being able to talk about it. Everyone found words to use and I just don't feel like words will ever match my experience. It's too confusing, it just doesn't seem like it can be labelled. Not that it's too big to be labelled, but more like no label will fit if that makes sense?
I hope it doesn't sound like I'm assuming that disclosing was easy for anyone that posted, as I am sure it was not. But it seems to have gone well for most and I just don't see this as a possibility for me.
Did anyone actually feel this way before disclosing? Please be honest so I'll know if I should just accept that I am always going to be some sort of oddball or not.
I hope I haven't offended anyone in posting this

[AnaWhitney]

Originally Posted by Knittingismytherapy

My recommendation is tell your T exactly what you said below, and that you want to talk about not knowing how to talk about it and feeling like you'll never be able to do so, and see what happens from there. Nothing says you have to talk about specifics just because you are talking about not being able to talk about it.

I tried and I said that I was too confused about it, I only like talking about facts and that I didn't think that was possible for this subject. She asked if I had blocked things out and I played dumb and asked her what does that even mean/ how does that happen? I was sneakily trying to get some sort of definition out of her so that I would know if what I might have done was acceptable to her or not. She didn't pick up on this though and seemed to think I was just giving a long winded 'no' so we sort of left this discussion shortly after.

[Knittingismytherapy]

Originally Posted by AnaWhitney

I tried and I said that I was too confused about it, I only like talking about facts and that I didn't think that was possible for this subject. She asked if I had blocked things out and I played dumb and asked her what does that even mean/ how does that happen? I was sneakily trying to get some sort of definition out of her so that I would know if what I might have done was acceptable to her or not. She didn't pick up on this though and seemed to think I was just giving a long winded 'no' so we sort of left this discussion shortly after.

It sounds like you are worried about her judging what happened to you or how you coped with it, which is why you weren't being straight up with her, and trying to make her guess or intuit what you need is not going to happen the way you want it to. If she has guessed at the subject, she is likely assuming that you aren't ready to speak of it yet, so is respecting the boundaries that you are putting up.

I don't have any suggestions for how to open yourself up, drop the boundaries, and trust that she will support and not judge what you may have done as "unacceptable".

[AnaWhitney]

Originally Posted by Knittingismytherapy

It sounds like you are worried about her judging what happened to you or how you coped with it, which is why you weren't being straight up with her, and trying to make her guess or intuit what you need is not going to happen the way you want it to. If she has guessed at the subject, she is likely assuming that you aren't ready to speak of it yet, so is respecting the boundaries that you are putting up.

I don't have any suggestions for how to open yourself up, drop the boundaries, and trust that she will support and not judge what you may have done as "unacceptable".

I know it sounds stupid but I don't even know what I did to 'cope with it.' I come across so uncertain at the best of times even when I know what I'm talking about. But I feel like this topic is such a wordless, confusing mess and if I get into it, I'm afraid the whole thing will have to be picked apart until T believes me.

And thank you everyone who replied to me so far, I really appreciate it

[feralkittymom]

I think the confusing wordless sense you have reflects the reality of a child's perception. When trauma happens to us before we have the cognitive and verbal capacity to understand it, it produces emotions that are global and indescribable. One way that therapy can be healing is through the very process of engaging in order to give voice to that indescribable mass of feelings. I think that very much is the challenge of therapy. But it's not simply your struggle alone; the process of trying on different ways of expression and negotiating their meaning with another person both builds the relationship and clarifies your experience. I think your belief that you need to somehow build an explicit case in order for your T to believe you is understandable--it's the fear and maybe a reflection of past experience--but it isn't accurrate. Most approaches in psych concern themselves with the client's reality and the thinking and feeling it creates--not with any objective "truth" of that reality. But clients often unconsciously focus on the objective truth as a way of protecting themselves from painful feelings.

[AnaWhitney]

Thank you so much, your answer is really helpful to me
Can I be a pain and ask you to clarify the last part though?

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

But clients often unconsciously focus on the objective truth as a way of protecting themselves from painful feelings.

I'm probably being dim but it's not making sense for me and it might be helpful info seeing as the rest of your post really helped
Thanks

[feralkittymom]

Well, just that focussing on whether or not you can pin down enough "facts" before risking to start talking about it can be a defense. It can distract you from confronting the feelings about telling and what you think you will feel after telling, what you think will change after telling, maybe other fears? It's a bit like how I feel compelled to clean house when I'm coming up on a writing deadline: that procrastination masks fears about competence and judgement. Knowing that helps me to accept it--and move forward.

[Knittingismytherapy]

Originally Posted by AnaWhitney

I know it sounds stupid but I don't even know what I did to 'cope with it.' I come across so uncertain at the best of times even when I know what I'm talking about. But I feel like this topic is such a wordless, confusing mess and if I get into it, I'm afraid the whole thing will have to be picked apart until T believes me.

And thank you everyone who replied to me so far, I really appreciate it

It does not sound stupid. It sounds like you have packed things away so effectively you just literally don't even know where to begin anymore. I'm sure this means that you do have a lot of blanks that you're not fully even aware of yet. Would it help to start by saying "I'm so confused by what happened that it is all a wordless confusing mess. I'm worried that...." Eg worried that you will have to talk about it in too much detail, worried about more memories coming up that you are suppressing, worried that she won't believe you, worried that you will convince yourself that it's all in your head and didn't happen, worried about being so worried and confused about it, worried that you will never have the words to talk about it, etc etc, with whatever applies.

Truth time, I told T that I was scared that nobody would believe me because my abuser is so like able - (insert curse word of choice here) even I like him! How's that for messed up? - and it had me even questioning myself and my own memories. There was a huge difference in how I saw it myself, when he quietly, calmly said "I believe you".

I hope that you are able to find a way to open up and talk.

[AnaWhitney]

Again, thanks for all the advice! Writing what I wrote and not getting slammed online has been such a help. I'm a bit relieved actually.
Knittingismytherapy I know there are a lot of blanks, I just don't understand why they can't be filled before I speak and not after. I don't think I am that scared of the knowledge as long as nobody else finds out about it. Like I would rather know fully what I am dealing with before I share it. I realise that this is prob very unusual but I think that's how I feel about it.
And I can see why you would think it's messed up to like your abuser but if it's of any help, I asked somebody about this person from my past and I was told about how funny he was and how much I liked him.
FeralKittyMom, thanks, I used to do that all the time right before an exam I would start tackling cleaning jobs that would take hours and then I'd go 'whoops, I didn't have time to study, if I don't do well at least I know why!'