[MissCharlotte]

I am so confused.

My "negative feelngs" -- the anger, sadness, pain, fear -- I think they are from the little girl inside who was so abused and neglected. The little girl who was so alone. It is difficult for me to say that out loud.

My "positive feelings" -- the laugher, joy, sense of accomplishment and satisfaction--I think they are from the adult me, who can take some pride in her work and in the love of those around her.

So when I get angry at T--like I was after last week's session--who was angry? Who felt rejected and who felt like she was not listened to? My little girl?

Who wrote the letter to T that analyzed the session and told him the mistakes he made?
Who mailed that letter? Who is afraid of rejection? retribution? Who cries and screams inside my head?

Who wants to hurt herself at times? And who can sometimes pretend that self-harm never happened?

Who will go to therapy terrified tomorrow morning to face the music?

Ohhhhhhhh, why am I so split?

[SecretGarden]

I think that both of you are there. Put that on the agenda... lol...

I think that the adult has a right to demand certain things and the child does to... though perhaps in a less formal way. I do not know... It depends on your needs and your childhood. I think that you can/will talk of this if you wish and it would make good conversation but sometimes there are both the adult and child involved.

What do you possibly recognise from your needy childhood?

Yes you are nervous but ... you were just saying what was going on in your head. Time to sort it out. I think you will both do alright.

hey... transference, yeah.

those feelings we have as kids... the anger, sadness, pain, fear, humiliation, rage, lonliness etc

i've got them too. it can be hard to express them. i get a mental picture of a dog lying on the ground exposing its belly. therapist standing over one... will the therapist lick me (so to speak) and allow me to get up, or will he go for my belly with his teeth? scary, yeah.

i think i got the courage to express my vulnerability to my therapist because the session before i was being really very oppositional / defiant / critical (asserting my seperateness from him) and he was trying to figure out what i needed (by saying various things to try and meet different self-object needs and then observing my reaction). at one point he kind of idealised me and i got this mental picture of him as a dog lying on the ground exposing his belly to me. i'd been giving him a hard time all session and yet... he did that. so i got up the courage to tell him about my vulnerability over the next week...

when one expresses vulnerability and it is well received then a wonderful sense of connection and safety and love arises. it can be really very hard to take that risk, however. teeth. one must be wary of the teeth.

> So when I get angry at T--like I was after last week's session...

maybe you are testing to see if he will use his teeth?

i hope... i so hope...
that he doesn't criticise you for expecting too much.
that he doesn't get defensive trying to protect himself from your onslaught.

i hope...

he listens to your concerns and takes them seriously...
and shows you that he won't use his teeth.

then maybe... with that sense of safety... you will be able to share some of your vulnerability with him...

and a wonderful sense of connection will arise

i so hope.

[MissCharlotte]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
maybe you are testing to see if he will use his teeth?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Oh yes, I think you may have hit the nail on the head.....I hope he doesn't show teeth either. I don't think he will, but one never knows what will transpire. If he can take it, then we will have arrived at a new level of intimacy in the relationship. It's so frightening. Yes, the vulnerability that I never want anyone to see.......it's well-hidden.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
i get a mental picture of a dog lying on the ground exposing its belly.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

LOL, Now how will I keep a straight face in the morning with this mental image embedded.

Thanks Alexandra for the hopes & encouragement. Will post tomorrow if I am in one piece.

[MissCharlotte]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Secret said: What do you possibly recognise from your needy childhood?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Oh Secret, so much is in this little question.....but certainly looking for acceptance/permission to use my voice.....to express myself in some small way....without retribution.

Yes, saying what was in my head....a permissable activity, no?

Thanks for your support. And oh, love that poke.....

> If he can take it, then we will have arrived at a new level of intimacy in the relationship.

yes. one needs to know whether it is safe to express ones feelings. one needs to assess (test) whether the therapist is capable of handling them (whether the therapist will be overwhelmed or not; whether the therapist will take them personally or not).

how can you show him your rage if he isn't capable of holding a little anger?

could you... tell him any of this? tell him what you think is going on? email him or write it down and give it to him?

could help the process along...

maybe.

(if it doesn't go well then... i understand the conclusion that 'not me, that is not me, they are not my feelings they aren't'. i think the splitting is about not being able to face those feelings as ones feelings. most often because... one needs to put those feelings aside in order to receive care. because... ones parents couldn't handle them. but of course the million dollar question is: can t handle them? if not... then what hope is there for me? such a risk...)

[MissCharlotte]

So, I just got back from therapy and.....

Ok, so, NO TEETH.

Validation about my feelings, response to the letter.

We discussed the letter and then talked about our relationship and how frightened I am of closeness--my expectations are that I will be blown off in some way. I talked about my fears of his reaction to the letter. I had other things to discuss.

I do believe that we are taking the path to a deeper relationship and that is so meaningful to me but I am terrified at the same time.

Hmmmmm, it was a gooooood sesssion. Healing, challenging, qualifying, reassuring, -- but normal all the same.....no, i won't be sending any nastygrams this week.

[sunrise]

That's great news, sister! So glad your session went well...

[SecretGarden]

Hurray for you.... did you talk of who was who in the letter? I am pleased for you.

[MissCharlotte]

No I ddin't get to that part....so much to talk about and so little time, AND I was there for almost an hour, noticed on my car clock when I got in to go home.