I am the other woman

I have been seeing my guy for a year and 1/2 now. When I first met him he told me he was single. I later found out he was married with two children. But it was too late. I was so deeply in love I could not stop the relationship. I forgave him and pretended nothing had changed. He and his wife basically live as roomies but he will never leave because of his kids. He is the most wonderful father I have ever seen. He also has a big problem with sex/porn online and tends to take it too far. he is a habitual liar, which I accepted and understood this about him. He has no conscious when he is doing a bad deed until the deed is done and he has hurt someone. I love this man with everything in me, I know him as if I know my own self. he just recently acknowledged his problem and it is literally driving him insane. At the cost of maybe losing him I told him to get professional help. I am scared, I am lonely, and I am in love with a man who is obviously taken with some serious problems. please if anyone has words to help me through this or has an idea of where I can help him, please let me know.

Hello gypsy and welcome to the forums here.

I personally would say that you have to consider the likelihood that you will eventually end up hurt by this guy, and whether putting in time with him now will be worth it. Also if his marriage does get broken up, if his wife finds out or something, how you will feel being mixed up in all that.

I do feel that urging him to get professional help is absolutely the right thing to do. It will definitely be the best thing for him even if it doesn't work out the best way for you. The best you can hope for anyway is to be stuck with someone with severe problems, it will be best for all, I think, to try to improve the situation.

Good luck with this, and keep posting here, there are a lot of supportive people here.

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--http://www.idexter.com

Thank you so much for the kind words and not degrading me for being in the situation that I am.

I know where you are coming from because I was in situation with a married woman. Honestly it was a horrible experience after all said and done. When I was in the relationship, I was always haunted by my moral conscience. I new I should not have been involved but I rationalized and made black seem like white, when in fact I was blinded by the darkness of it all. In the end, I ended up getting hurt after she ended it and went back to her husband. I realized I played with fire and I got burned. Don't let it happen to you. If I was in your shoes I would get the hell out of the relationship because it is not what you think it is, regardless of your feelings for him. In my opinion what he is doing is wrong and has no good excuse for cheating on his wife and kids. You are also doing the same to his kids and wife. If you guys did try to hook up in the end, his kids will never accept you. After all you will be seen as the bad girl who broke up their parents. Becareful, you don't want to get burned emotionally nor spiritually. the latter being the worst imaginable. just my opinion.good luck

Welcome to the forums.<font color=purple>

I think you already have many of the answers you wish, by the way you define yourself, and what you posted?

People like him, well, there is no helping them IMHO... he isn't asking for the help, he's happy as a lark ah hem having his cake and eating it too pardon the analogy.

Oh well, he's another "looter" as I have called them here...

I'm sorry you are on the short end of the stick in this relationship, and wish for you to be able to find your own life, be your own person, and maybe then find someone who you deserve....

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

Gypsy....

I can relate to your situation. Before my divorce I was having an affair with a woman, who was also married. All I can tell you is please be careful, with children involved there are too many lives at risk. Please take a moment to consider the impact of your actions on them.

I can also relate to the problems/issues that the man you are seeing has with sex and sexuality. For me I became much more interested in sex because I spent years in a marriage that was devoid of real passion and sex was far too infrequent. The problem is that sex became an escape for me as I endured the pain of the loss of my marriage and the resultant depression. Sex was my way to self-medicate. I entered in to relationships for teh wrong reasons. And, I lost a wonderful relationship because of my sexual exploitations. It wasn't until I hit rock bottom that I got the help I needed and replaced the bad "esacpe" behaviors with healthy and productive behaviors. So, if you don't d anything else make sure that he gets help. He may very well be depressed and sure shows some signs of a possible sexual addiction.

You are involved in a very difficult situation. First, I think that it has a high probability for disaster... for him, for you, for his kids and his wife. Second, he is in a period that is very chaotic, he needs time to figure out what he wants personally. You may be a way for him to cope. But, it may or may not mean that he is willing, or able, to be your life partner. Affair relationships are not like real, committed relationships. You don't have to deal with the day to day struggles of married life. You tend to be apart from each other for longer periods so when you do come together both parties are typically happy to see each other. Third, you said he wouldn't leave because of his kids. That makes me very nervous. He wants his cake and eat it too. You just can't do that. He needs to make a decision one way or the other. This is not healthy for his kids, nor any one else involved.

I can't tell you what to do, but for the sake of his children he needs to make a decision one way or the other. Either committ 100% to his marriage or end it. And, if he did decide to end his marriage, I would suggest taking a good LONG time before taking your relationship to the next level. Trust me, from experience these "rebound" relationships often end in disaster.

Gypsy, let me give you a story of it from my side of the coin..
I was the person who cheated, and had an affiar with a man while I was married. I had a child, and I was desperatly "unhappy" in my marriaage.. It takes two to make a marriage work, if is will not leave because of the kids, something eles is also keeping him.. I am sorry, that is not the only reason he is staying.

Being unhappy, and looking at porn online, and offline is one thing, to do, but when you go and act out on it, and lie to a female, how do you know that you are not the only one he is seeing.. Yes he may be a wonderful father, but that is not the only thing that makes a marriage work, or not work.. Take it form me. I know..
I have made many mistakes in my past, and I do regeart them..
Haveing the affair is one of them.. I wish I had talked more with my ex-husband and told him why I did what I had done, and tried to leave on better terms..

You say he takes internet porn to far, and does not relize it till someone gets hurt? What do you mean by this??? I am wondering???

Asking him to get help is a good step in the right direction.. I am proud of you , and I will never degrade you for your life decsions, for I hvae made worse, and I can not judge you, because you have to do what is your heart.. And yes falling in love with a married man is a very easy thing to do...

<font color=purple>
take time to heal thyself before trying to help others, or you will never get better

Gspsy,
Hi, I just wanted to let you know that 20 yrs ago I was the person who cheated on my husband. He was a good man why I did it must have been for different reasons that to this day I still don't quite understand. But I found going to the bars and picking up different men fulfilled some kind of sexual fanasty for me. I would lay and think of things to do and go with these men. To this day I count my blessings that I never got aids. I had a child and this affected him so much.
I didn't want to leave my husband. Then I met a man that I came to care about. In the start it was just great sex. Then my husband found out and gave me a choice. I choose to leave with this man. But, then he really didn't want me cause of the way we meet.
Through the years I have changed and relized what I had done and pulled my life together. Yes I left my husband because how could you have a marriage with no trust and there was no trust because of all the lies.
My advice to you is that if you decide to stay the other woman when this man goes through the trauma of making hard decions in his life More than likely you are going to be the ONE THAT IS HURT. He is going through some emotional things that only he knows how to handle and IF by some chance he decides to leave his family there are going to be promblems that you are not going to beable to handle. There will be no trust either side .....you will know what he did to his first family and always wonder what he is up too.... and then he will not trust you, he will have these feelings of guilt and be thinking oh she is out with someone else when you are not with him. There will be fights and etc...
This just is not a good thing to be in.
I hope you think long and hard about this sitution and come to the right decison for YOU! Cause this is a no win sitution. GOOD LUCK!
Kathyp.