[SkyscraperMeow]

Does anyone ever get the feeling that therapy kind of breaks down what I strongly suspect one's therapist would call 'defences' and makes you aware of a whole lot of pain, and then (because that cannot feasibly be dealt with in one hour) just sends you out into the world to be crazy for a week?

I'm finding therapy to be quite a disruptive influence, because one hour is not even remotely close enough time to really have any kind of a conversation, or really resolve anything at all, and more often than not what happens is I end up emotionally wrecked by the time the hour comes around and then I just have to leave.

And then what? You're just supposed to go back to your everyday activities while it feels like you're in agony?

It bothers me how there's supposed to be this 'team' element in therapy between client and therapist, but the therapist gets to basically spend one hour, keep their sense of self entirely intact, while you get taken apart like some kind of badly made lego toy and left to limp home at the end of it :/

[JaneTennison1]

Yes I do. I referred to it once like Kintsugi (which someone here posted about) I feel like a bowl with a few (invisible to most) cracks and T comes along smashes the bowl on the floor and says don't worry eventually I'll put you back together and you will be better than before. Meanwhile I'm just left broken pieces to try and survive week after week.

[SkyscraperMeow]

It's the aspect of therapy that downright makes me angry. I feel like they should at lest put the spare tyre on before rolling you out of the shop. (Mixing metaphors is deeply therapeutic.) It seems to me to be massively irresponsible to go poking around inside people, prod this, expose that, have a wee jab over there and not bother at all as to how they're going to function the rest of the time.

[unaluna]

I told my t i need to leave there happy, cuz otherwise i dont know when im supposed to make the switch. He said, "oh you have problems with transitions?" Which is what they told me at work, and something they say at schools, dont they? Anyway, now we make sure i leave there happy. I highly recommend it.

Yep, I totally totally get this! It's one of the reasons that I finally left therapy for the final time. It wasn't that my therapist was damaging or abusive. She was a really good, skilled and caring therapist, but I felt ripped from one end to the next after a session. I decided that maybe I'm just too old and fixed in my personality to make the changes necessary to feel more whole.

I'm a LOT older than many people on the board and came to therapy later in life. I decided I just didn't want to feel that kind of pain and lack of forward movement any more. The end of the session would come and I'd feel as though I was rushing around, scrambling to pick up the pieces of myself to stuff back inside and get out of there so she could meet with her next client. It wasn't that she wasn't compassionate and carrying or that she didn't attempt to ground me and help me develop skills to cope with emotional overwhelm, it's just that I'm one of those people who takes a bit of time to warm up in a session. By the time I get to the "meat" of the session, time is almost up. It's just me. I realize she didn't purposely allowed me to rip open the wound and then shoved me out the door. I'm just a bit slow when it comes to doing therapy, and I got to the point where I didn't feel that things were going to change. I sure hope you are able to find a way to get some peace in this area!

[musinglizzy]

I went through a period of time where I was dissociating. A LOT. I was being prodded way down deep, and there were some days I just couldn't handle it. One day, I realized I was sitting in a snowbank in a neighboring parking lot after my session, not really realizing how I got there. That day really scared me. What if I'd been driving, instead of sitting in that snowbank freezing my butt off? So there were some sessions where I had a hard time getting a grip on myself as it's time to walk out the door. I'd just sit there, I guess, not responding. Not often, but occasionally. My T decided that I was being manipulative (she did not use that word) and she thought I was trying to change the time boundaries, so to speak. She decided that I was having a hard time leaving, and that statement really pissed me off. I told her it had nothing to do with just not wanting to leave therapy, or leave HER. I told her the story of the snowbank, and told her that all I needed was to feel safe when I left, meaning I thought we could spent the last 10 minutes or so winding down from a hard session. She still didn't buy it, she wanted to think I was having a hard time leaving my sessions. So I started watching the clock, which kept me focused enough not to dissociate, and was out the door the SECOND my session was over. She wasn't liking my watching the clock.... but I had to prove to her somehow that it wasn't about "not wanting to leave," it was about wanting to be safe when I did. It was frustrating, but I think she finally "got it."

[AnaWhitney]

I can't help myself I have to say that I am just loving the metaphors here, they are so brilliant
Sorry that I have nothing helpful to say tho

[ScarletPimpernel]

This is why I think out-of-session contact is important. Yes, you use your coping skills for the rest of the week, but having T there inbtwn sessions is so helpful. You get a little more support, a safety net, and someone encouraging you along.

It means so much to have access to my T via email or phone. If I have a difficult session, I can tell her. In return she can offer advice or support. If things get really bad, I can call her and have a mini 15min session. It might not seem like much, but it's better than nothing and a little bit does go a long way.

[atisketatasket]

The original post is the best description of the problem I've seen. I haven't been miserable after therapy only twice in six months: after the first session, which gave me a sense of giddy hope (ha) and last week, when somehow two hard sessions energized me instead of draining me. Hope that happens again this week.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[FNMM]

I definitely think having a more instant way of communication with your therapist would be REALLY beneficial to any patient. Even just being able to text or email or call quickly a few times a week would be really great.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by SkyscraperMeow

Does anyone ever get the feeling that therapy kind of breaks down what I strongly suspect one's therapist would call 'defences' and makes you aware of a whole lot of pain, and then (because that cannot feasibly be dealt with in one hour) just sends you out into the world to be crazy for a week?

UGH, YES. My T gets it because she's been in therapy. Last session she said "When I first started therapy, I would walk out and tell my T that she just sliced me open, rubbed salt in my wounds and then asked me to leave." Of course, it doesn't really help ME in the moment. I hate it. The thing that helps is that I walk to and from therapy, and my T suggested that I name everything I see as I walk home, it helps ground me and get me out of that post-session carp.

It is terrible, though.

[missbella]

Unfortunately therapy only brought out the worst in me, leaving me feeling self-absorbed, like the world owed me something because of my unfair childhood, that I was entitled to coddling and special treatment. I fantastically believed I was undergoing some kind of transforming rite that would lead me to clarity.

I lost a few precious friends on my deluded journey because of both my self-pity and my magical thinking. And the focus on my life's injustices, wounds and defects led me into a depression I never had prior.

Any "recovery" I've achieved from this state has been on my own, unaided by more therapy.

[SkyscraperMeow]

Thanks for the replies, everyone

Obviously this is a pretty common experience with therapy. I agree that being able to get some kind of help between sessions is good. I ended up writing a super long tearful email to my therapist, who offered a call to check up with me, which was really nice and made me feel a lot better about things.

It's still kind of hard, but I do feel better, and reading everyone else's experiences lets me know I am not alone in it at all!

[SkyscraperMeow]

Originally Posted by missbella

Unfortunately therapy only brought out the worst in me, leaving me feeling self-absorbed, like the world owed me something because of my unfair childhood, that I was entitled to coddling and special treatment. I fantastically believed I was undergoing some kind of transforming rite that would lead me to clarity.

I lost a few precious friends on my deluded journey because of both my self-pity and my magical thinking. And the focus on my life's injustices, wounds and defects led me into a depression I never had prior.

Any "recovery" I've achieved from this state has been on my own, unaided by more therapy.

I don't think therapy has made me feel entitled to coddling, etc, however it has made me feel as though maybe a little coddling would be nice every now and then. For me, it's not about an 'unfair' childhood, so much as a 'well I raised myself and now I have to keep doing everything for myself and I can't connect with other people almost at all without being a huge jerk'.

I totally agree that framing oneself as being broken and wounded and sinking into a perpetual victim state would be really counterproductive, but I'm kind of hoping there's some middle ground between being completely independent to the point that other people are an inconvenience I can barely tolerate, and being completely self-absorbed and dependent.

[SkyscraperMeow]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

I went through a period of time where I was dissociating. A LOT. I was being prodded way down deep, and there were some days I just couldn't handle it. One day, I realized I was sitting in a snowbank in a neighboring parking lot after my session, not really realizing how I got there. That day really scared me. What if I'd been driving, instead of sitting in that snowbank freezing my butt off? So there were some sessions where I had a hard time getting a grip on myself as it's time to walk out the door. I'd just sit there, I guess, not responding. Not often, but occasionally. My T decided that I was being manipulative (she did not use that word) and she thought I was trying to change the time boundaries, so to speak. She decided that I was having a hard time leaving, and that statement really pissed me off. I told her it had nothing to do with just not wanting to leave therapy, or leave HER. I told her the story of the snowbank, and told her that all I needed was to feel safe when I left, meaning I thought we could spent the last 10 minutes or so winding down from a hard session. She still didn't buy it, she wanted to think I was having a hard time leaving my sessions. So I started watching the clock, which kept me focused enough not to dissociate, and was out the door the SECOND my session was over. She wasn't liking my watching the clock.... but I had to prove to her somehow that it wasn't about "not wanting to leave," it was about wanting to be safe when I did. It was frustrating, but I think she finally "got it."

Your T makes me want to kick things. I read your posts and they make me feel this burst of protective indignant outrage for some reason. You've had a really hard time in therapy!

[Cinnamon_Stick]

This happens to me all the time. I have a hard session and then after an hour, I leave and her door shuts and I have to deal with my feelings by myself. Its made me question if I should be or stay in therapy. I still don't know the answer. I wish therapy was easier.

[Pennster]

Yes, I definitely felt like this in a previous therapy experience. It is so, so hard. I really think I was retraumatized by that - all of these traumatic experiences got dredged up and I had no way of handling it, and my therapist didn't really seem to appreciate what it was doing to me.

With my current therapist, it's different. He has told me that he believes it's wrong to strip away someone's defenses without giving them anything to replace them with. He works on being really supportive - he insists I can always call him if I am starting to feel like I need a bit of coaching or am overwhelmed. This has been so helpful - usually I just touch base with him (perhaps twice a month or so?) and it's enough to get myself going in the right direction again - but knowing he is willing to be there really keeps from feeling cast adrift the way I used to with my old therapist. I feel as well like he's got a whole program I can slot into - he's done lots of guided meditations that are available online, for example. I've also started doing yoga and really ramped up the exercising. All of this makes me feel like there is stuff I can do every day for myself, with the backup of my therapist being there if I need him. Another thing this has done was form a little loop in my head that now says "T will help me", and this helps me to be braver and take on issues head on instead of avoiding them.

But I'm sorry - I don't know how helpful this would be for someone whose therapist is from a different orientation. Unless maybe it might help to look into other things like yoga, meditation and mindfulness, exercise, and going into these with the idea that these are supplements to the help you're getting from your therapist? As well as asking if you might do more regular check-ins between sessions.

I've brought it up to my T - how I feel like I'm getting poked at for an hour, then have to deal with two weeks of being destabilized between sessions.

She uses the last 5 to 10 minutes of the session to help me "gather myself" so I don't feel as raw when I step back out of the therapy room. I still tend to feel more unbalanced for a couple of days afterwards though.

We work on coping skills during some sessions because like Pennster's therapist, she doesn't believe in stripping away defenses without giving someone coping skills to replace them. She believes defenses are there for good reasons.

[Bayblue]

Hi all - I loved the description of the issue. It's how I feel more often than not when walking out the door. And i'm only early in the process, but I am seriously questioning all the time - is it worth it? Is it better or worse?

I think the thing that keeps me erring on the side of sticking with it is that my goals are to be a more whole person, to be less avoidant of negative feelings and to know myself more fully. I also have a lot of unprocessed pain thats slowing me down in life anyway. So in a way I feel like - yes therapy is messy, but thats part of what I want. I want to go through my mess in a safe, constructive way - not to solve it but to at least know what it is. And hopefully it will back the **** off me in the rest of my life. As in, in my work, relationships, community etc. Therapy is painful and deconstructive, but theres something for me in the fact that I am choosing it. I think this is a pretty luxurious position though because I haven't had to deal with a lot of symptoms, for those of you who really struggle, and were already suffering greatly before starting the process, I just think your so brave for going into it and that all of your T's should be open to the text, or phone contact between time. Heck I'd like some of that action too, but probably couldn't bring myself to ask for it...

[ruh roh]

I totally get what you're saying, meow. When therapy gets to that point, it helps to have a therapist that's open to between session contact. With a good therapist, it can be done well.

Also, thank you for your honesty with this post. You've always come across as someone with an impenetrable shell. For all the pain, something is working right for you in your therapy. Being human and hurting is hell, but the deepening of compassion and empathy is not a bad side effect.

[SkyscraperMeow]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

I totally get what you're saying, meow. When therapy gets to that point, it helps to have a therapist that's open to between session contact. With a good therapist, it can be done well.

Also, thank you for your honesty with this post. You've always come across as someone with an impenetrable shell. For all the pain, something is working right for you in your therapy. Being human and hurting is hell, but the deepening of compassion and empathy is not a bad side effect.

Aw, thanks, ruh roh! I agree, I am slowly turning into slightly less of a huge jerk So I think therapy might be having some kind of effect.

[musinglizzy]

I really appreciate this thread! Thanks!

[Middlemarcher]

I understand exactly how you feel, and it's an awful feeling. I felt like that for a long time at the beginning of my therapy.

For what it's worth, my personal experience is that finally, over time, things began to be contained in the room. It took a long time-- probably a year-and-a-half or more of twice weekly sessions. But now, almost 3 years in, I can have sessions that are emotionally very difficult, and then go out into the world (maybe still very upset, still crying), and within a half hour or less, sometimes almost instantly, those feelings settle down, and I go on with my day, my week. My T is precisely what I need: as absolutely consistent as possible. I'm sure that it's due to this that I've gotten to this point. And I always hope for everyone else on this board that they might be able to get to that place. But it did take me a long time, even with an extremely skilled T and frequent sessions.

[SkyscraperMeow]

Originally Posted by Middlemarcher

I understand exactly how you feel, and it's an awful feeling. I felt like that for a long time at the beginning of my therapy.

For what it's worth, my personal experience is that finally, over time, things began to be contained in the room. It took a long time-- probably a year-and-a-half or more of twice weekly sessions. But now, almost 3 years in, I can have sessions that are emotionally very difficult, and then go out into the world (maybe still very upset, still crying), and within a half hour or less, sometimes almost instantly, those feelings settle down, and I go on with my day, my week. My T is precisely what I need: as absolutely consistent as possible. I'm sure that it's due to this that I've gotten to this point. And I always hope for everyone else on this board that they might be able to get to that place. But it did take me a long time, even with an extremely skilled T and frequent sessions.

Thanks for sharing, Middlemarcher! I'm not that far into therapy really, only a few months with this therapist, and certainly starting to enter territory which is new for me which is probably why it's so challenging to deal with.

I'm glad to hear that it got better for you!

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by SkyscraperMeow

I'm finding therapy to be quite a disruptive influence, because one hour is not even remotely close enough time to really have any kind of a conversation, or really resolve anything at all, and more often than not what happens is I end up emotionally wrecked by the time the hour comes around and then I just have to leave.

This was frequently my experience. The way therapy is "dosed" has always felt unnatural and problematic to me. Looking back I think each time I left a session feeling exposed and taken apart, then left alone with painful feelings, I felt slightly traumatized.

And I cant help but think of the analogous situation where the therapy relationship ends completely, and the client is not sufficiently put back together.