Another Painful Thought: Should I take formal action against my therapist?

Hello. I don't know if it is appropriate to discuss this and I hate to be even contemplating this at all (it literally makes me sick to my stomach to think of it):

I was in therapy with this same therapist for 3 years and we have had, up until a couple days ago, a very strong and caring relationship. I was seeing her for sexual abuse issues, ptsd, depression and a self-esteem that is close to zero. About 3 months ago, I decided I needed to take a break from therapy from her because there were some health insurance issues, work issues, the stress of the issues I was dealing with in therapy and then my attachment to my relationship in general. And in the last month, I was discussing with her about returning again and she seemed fine with it and was ready to accept me back. Then, just before I was going to make an appoint to come back, I submitted some questions to her about some concerns about our relationship and my attachment and how we might address them in therapy....and then some questions about my general goals in therapy. They were bascially "yes or no" questions and "on a scale of 0 to 10..." questions. And it would give us a starting place to pick up when I returned.

However she never answered the questions and two days ago, on the 31st of May, I received a certified letter stating that she was ending out therapeutic relationship. There was no explanation at all in the letter, it just said: She felt it was the best decision she could make on my behalf. And she listed some referrals. And that she could be reached via phone for the next 30 days, for emergencies only. That was it.

It felt "out of the blue" and shocking and traumatizing. I tried to get a hold of her right away to get some explanation. She answered her phone and was in the middle of a session with someone else (if she was in a session, I don't know why she answered the phone). She basically told me she was in session and couldn't talk and just leave her a message on her voicemail. So I did and asked her to call me back in that message. This was about 3 pm in the afternoon. We have been in therapy for 3 years and have had a good relationship and she she knew this would be upsetting to me. She didn't call me back at all that day. And she knows I have no relationships besides her (which is partly why I am in therapy in the first place) and so I had no one to help me out.

I ended up calling a suicide hotline and this resulted in two police officers coming to my home at 230 am in the morning and putting me in "protective custody" and handcuffing me and taking me to the hospital. The hospital released me at 5 am and said I needed to call a therapist. I had no therapist, except the one who just left me, so I left her another message telling her what I had just gone through with the suicide hotline and being taken to the hospital by the police.

Later that day, my therapist called me back. I thanked her for returning my call. She said I told you I was available for emergency calls and that is the reason I have decided to return your call. And she was calling me from the parking lot outside of her office getting ready to go home...so she wasn't really taking time to listen to me...and she said she couldn't talk long because she was standing in the parking lot. This was her attitude after I was coming down from a suicidal state? I tried to get some information out of her why she was using such a cold and clinical and uncaring way to end our therpeutic relationship? She basically said she thought that after 3 years her method/style of therapy hasn't been helping me and I wasn't making any changes and thought it best I was with someone else. I tried to tell her I was seeing changes and that I was willing to try medications and basically begged her to not end our therapeutic relationship like this, with a form letter. One of the most traumatic events in my life was when I was 16: I was bonded with another individual and I was separated from her with a "form letter" too and that previously caused me to be suicidal. Being that it was such a trauma in my life, it was discussed in therapy many times. So my therapist was aware of this incident and its horrendous impact on me. But my therapist chose to end out therapeutic relationship with a certified letter, with no explanation. When I talked to her on the phone, she was very cold and uncaring. And basically she didn't want to talk to me. She would not even hear of seeing me for one more session to have better closure. (Is this her form of "tough love"? If it is: that isn't the kind of care i need, because it hasn't worked in the past and only served to make me loath myself more)

This is especially confusing to me and there is an extreme contrast with her previous affections. In the course of three years she has given me physical care, including: regularly holding me, in her arms and lap and wrapping us up together in a blanket, regular long hugs and allowing me to explore her face and lips with my hands, and she has allowed me to give her long foot massages. She has taken me to an outside therapy session for a therapy ceremony and, when I brought up my concerns about being abandoned, she consistently claimed: "I am not going anywhere." And when I reminded her of this statement on the phone, she claimed again she wasn't going anywhere. To which I said, "But you are leaving me. You are going away." And she didn't really have much of an answer for that.

I have huge abandonment issues and she has reinforced them. And her quick change from "the caring and touch permitting therapist" to a "send me a certified form letter and clinical/robotic therapist" is very traumatic and confusing. I begged her to have just one session with me to have some better closure to this, rather than just having it end with her upset on the phone and saying "I'm not going to argue with you" and her claiming "I (me her client) just keep seeing things in black and white". That doesn't seem like a legitimate reason to push me away so harshly. In fact it seems, if that is how I am seeing things, she should have had more courtesy of taking that into account and giving me something less traumatic in the way she ended our relationship. And she has a double standard, because I previously sent her a letter asking for some copies of treatment plans that she submits to my insurance. Granted, I didn't tell her why I wanted them and she was concerned. So in an attached letter she stated she thought it would be good to have a session to discuss any of the issues in the treatment plans that I had questions about. She wouldn't allow me the same courtesy of having a session to talk about the questions I had about why she was ending our therapeutic relationship. So there seems to be a double-standard in her.

I don't want to sue her for money or anything...but I want to file a formal complaint about her to my state's department of health, under the official terms that decribe: "Incompetence, negligence, or malpractice which results in injury to a patient or which creates an unreasonable risk that a patient may be harmed."

I was handcuffed and taken to the hospital for being suicidal and I haven't slept more than 5 hours and the sleep I have had has been plagued with nightmares. And I have had to call in sick to work and I haven't been able to eat much.

Is this a reasonable case to make a formal complaint? I have had such a good relationship with her in the past and, in my heart, I don't want to go along such an avenue. (I have already made an appointment with a new therapist too.) But I feel like I need to take care of myself in some way and my exiting therapist needs to know what she did was very harmful. And since she won't talk to me for more than 15 minutes on the phone and only did so grudgingly and she won't agree to see me for one last closure session...my only avenue is to file a formal complain. So I ask again: is this a reasonable case to make a formal complaint?

Another option, since I wish she would see me for one last session for better closure and I wish to avoid taking any formal action against her (God knows I really want to avoid it), should I call her (despite the fact she seems to adverse to talking to me on the phone) and tell her I'm contemplating formal action against her and give her another chance to end things better...or would that be imprudent of me?

Well this is obviously effecting you a great deal, so I'd say do whatever it is you feel will help you. I'm not sure if you are inviting critism of your T? I know yesterday you felt that wasn't what you wanted.

Other then that I've not come across a T that operates in this fashion and do not know how I would react to it either.

Take care.

As much as I really really don't like what she did to you by terminating abruptly and by letter, I'm coming to think that when your pain and anger about it has been worked through, you might think there is some good in this in that she didn't keep stringing you along in therapy if she felt she couldn't be helpful and useful and she encourages you to continue because she does see that you can feel better with the right therapy/therapist.

This in NO way excuses her for hurting you!

About filing a complaint, I would consider that myself but I don't know what I would do. I think I might 'suspend' that thought a while, and talk to the new therapist a bit about it.

Hi Ipse, I have also been following your posts over the last few days. I am so sorry that your therapist has chosen to terminate therapy so suddenly, by letter. It must be very painful for you and my heart truly goes out to you. I know you didn't want criticism of her, but I do have to say that I find it very very unusaly for a therapist to allow you to explore her face, cuddle you up together in a blanket and allow you to give her foot massages.!! I'm no expert, but I would say that is definately crossing the theraputic boundaries. Of course you will feel an even greater bonding to her if you have had all that physical contact. I'm glad you have found another therapist . I agree with echoes about letting a bit of time pass before filing a complaint. Good luck with your new therapist. Take care.

What you describe your relationship to be seems highly unusual and improper. If you agree that this was improper and she did not give you the proper care or termination you can do a couple of things.

You can either report her to the Department of Health in your state. Or if you have health insurance, you can report it to them. They have to treat it as a "quality of care" issue and they may take their own action against her, such as not allowing her to participate anymore.

Beyond that sweetie, you will just need to take a little grieving time. Whatever you do will not change what she did. I'm very glad that you already have an appointment with another therapist - they will help you process this whole thing.

Peace is being sent to you
Tranquility

Ipse, having been through this whole process I would recommend that you first find out what the statute of limitations are for reporting (most state boards have a 1-800 number where you can find out that information). This will give you some time to think through what it is you feel you need to do. Secondly, if you haven't done so already send a request (by certified letter - this gives her about 2 weeks) for your therapy records to be sent to your next therapist and put as the reason "for treatment." This will decrease the liklihood that the records will be altered should you decide to take action against her in the future. Don't have them sent to yourself because she can claim it would be harmful for you to read then and can refuse to send them. She cannot, however, refuse to send them to your next treatment provider. Third, do NOT continue to contact her (after the records request has been sent). As hard as it is, don't do it. It will be viewed as harassment. Fourth, do not give any indication to her that you are thinking of filing a complaint.

I will say from experience that the process of filing a complaint can be very painful. My therapist is the one who filed the complaint against my psychiatrist. Most cases are thrown out during the investigation stage due to lack of evidence. It can take a long time, years even. You have to decide what it is you can handle. In my case it did make it through all the different levels before the date where he had to appear before the state (it rarely makes it that far). I chickened out at that point and did not testify. I still felt very protective of him even though he practically destroyed my life. I even commented that I was afraid they were going to be too mean to him. Which makes absolutely sense to me now, but that's how I felt then.

I want you to know that it is very normal for you to feel protective when criticisms are made about your therapist's practice. I felt the same way. I think it's because we've spent so much time idealizing our therapists that when that view is shattered, it leads to a lot of confusion. You need to know that all of the feelings you have - fear, loss, anger, grief are very normal. Hang in there. You can get through this. You WILL get through this.

I really don't want to take any formal complaint against here. I just want closure.

Plus reading what you wrote about the process.....feels very intimidating already.

I just feel like I've been vicitimized all over again and every thing about what happens is so confusing and for her not to really allow me to get closure and compassionately explain to me why she made her decisions, just makes it that more confusing.

Ipse, I don't know that formal action will accomplish anything for you, make you feel any better? It certainly can't make your therapist "come back." I had a literal medical malpractice problem a few years ago and ended up not seeing the point in doing anything about it; it's a lot of work that wouldn't really have helped anything.

When my husband left his first wife, moved out to an apartment of his own, he gave her a very generous amount of money twice a month with no settlement, no legal requirement. His first wife was a bit naive and called social services and ask them to literally "get him back." They first worried/asked her about legal agreements and "isn't he giving you any money?" and she explained the situation and how much he was giving her (without any sort of agreement, no legal "need" to but just because he is a "nice" guy) and they actually laughed at her. You can't force someone to love you/live with you.

Too, since you are the one who "took a break" three months ago and you all weren't seeing one another again yet, I don't know that anyone legal would see any grounds for your action. Your therapist merely took her option of not wanting to getting back into therapy again with you. She's "allowed" to do that, no matter how poorly she does it. She did it legally with the letter, she's talked to you on the phone; I don't think there's any other legal obligations she has to do. Legal actions would only look at legal obligations, not moral or hurtful, etc. ones.

Plus, I wonder if I should ask my new therapist about my feelings about taking formal action against my previous therapist......

...i don't want to "upset" my new therapist or make her think i'd just go around filing complaints against everyone...and she would feel that I might eventually file a complaint against her.

....i'm not really one to file complaints. the only complaint letter I wrote was to my insurance company ... about the insurance companies practicies.....and they initiated a review services and one of the representatives of the insurance company talked to me on the phone for about an hour....being very compassionate and apologetic. and that really made me feel better about my insurance company.

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Ipse_Dixit said:
I just want closure.

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I know.

I think you are too raw right now to make any important decision. But, what I would suggest is to start just writing down everything you recall (including dates if possilbe) which MAY have been inappropriate. It will be good therapeutically to vent it all and it will help your new T to see what you went through.

Then later when you can think more clearly - you will have what you need if you decide to move forward. The only reason I could ever conceive of filing a charge against a T would be to protect the next patient. That person might be even more vulnerable.

Take care!! em

i still wonder if i should mention to my new therapist this question about taking formal action against my old therapist.....

Hi Ipse,
Like I said in another reply to you in another thread, I'm sorry you're suffering.

It sounds to me like it was a very strange therapeutic relationship. From your posts over the last few days, I'm thinking she might be afraid of you. Perhaps knowing that you've reported that you have zero other relationships, maybe she thinks you've grown too dependent on her. Is that a possibility?

I agree with others here that it might be best to give yourself some time and space to heal. I know she was very important to you and losing that relationship is a painful loss. Once you accept that it is over, you can begin the grief process. As you well know, we have to experience the pain to truly heal from it. It's no fun, for sure.

Please keep posting. We're all here for you.
Take good care,
Okie

i have been too dependant on her.........not doubt..........

i fear she may be afraid of me sometimes....but i don't know why.........i have never done anything in my life to hurt anyone....

i'm just so lost and in agony because of how it ended.....so.....so abruptly........

my entire system is keyed up and in CRISIS mode

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okiedokie said:

It sounds to me like it was a very strange therapeutic relationship. From your posts over the last few days, I'm thinking she might be afraid of you.

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....and to even think that she might be afraid of me adds another measure of agony to me.....she and I discussed my dependency on her before and I have said I don't want to be....but i've been to afraid of the world to make connections.

....god....it hurts to add more thoughts to my already confused mind......and now i ramp up the fear she might be afraid of me.........and that does wonders for my self-esteem too......

When we don't know the answer to something that's troubling us, we often fill in the blanks with horrible possibilities. But remember, they are just thoughts, not reality. Please don't torture yourself thinking your therapist was afraid of you. I suspect if that were the case, you would have known it.

So sorry for your loss and pain.

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Cheri said:
When we don't know the answer to something that's troubling us, we often fill in the blanks with horrible possibilities. But remember, they are just thoughts, not reality.

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my soon-to-be new therapist (i don't see her until Tuesday officially) was kind enough to say I could call her before hand if I needed something.....and i left her a message today and she returned my call.

.....but man i felt like i was rambling to her by the end.....

but what you said above....sounds like what she exactly just said to me...about when you don't have answers you fill it with such thoughts.

Your soon-to-be new therapist sounds really cool... calling you back and offering support before you've even met. Good sign. Maybe this will turn out to be exactly the kind of relationship you need to grow.

(I like all these icons)

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Ipse_Dixit said:
Plus reading what you wrote about the process.....feels very intimidating already.

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It can be intimidating, but I was treated respectfully by the state investigator. I have no complaints about the way I was treated. I found them to have integrity and to be concerned with finding the truth. I thought they would be on his side, and write me off as a lunatic. That didn't happen. Knowing I was believed has been very helpful for my own healing. (Even though I still have a long way to go).

Maybe the thought of taking action is a way for you to stay connected to her.

I say, live and let live.

Move on with your life and your new T. It will be better for you in the long run than to hang on to this dysfunctional situation....

Good luck.